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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think about leaving my DH because I had a lovely day without him without the kids.

108 replies

theClasher · 25/08/2019 21:01

Today I took the kids out all day. I switched my phone off as I didn't want any disturbances and we had a lovely time. The kids had so much fun. But the thing that I really noticed the most was that I actually felt happy, calm and relaxed. The kids weren't getting told off my DH and I wasn't feeling stressed trying to get the kids to "behave" so dh wouldn't get angry. I also wasn't snappy with the kids as a result and I wasn't looking at other couples chatting and laughing thinking why can't I have that with my DH.

I've walked in and dh hasn't said a word to me about my day or even acknowledged me. I've only been upstairs 10 minutes and he's already told one of the kids off for something.

AIBU to rethink my marriage?

OP posts:
Original poster
theClasher · 25/08/2019 21:02

Damn it. My title should read a day without dh but with the kids!!!

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 25/08/2019 21:03

Yanbu if he makes you feel like this. Your children will definitely have picked up on it, too. Sorry no advice but Flowers

IAskTooManyQuestions · 25/08/2019 21:03

Why is he stressed and angry all the time?

I always think a root cause analysis is the best place to start

Shouldbedoing · 25/08/2019 21:05

It is better to travel alone than be miserably accompanied.
He sounds like my exH

IndianaMoleWoman · 25/08/2019 21:06

Have you talked to DH in the past about getting on the same page with your parenting? My DH was initially quite a shouty/overbearing/anxious parent but we’ve talked about it a lot and he’s working on mellowing out. He just worries a lot and doesn’t want DC to get hurt. Is that your DH, or does he just shout for the sake of it/out of irritation?

Herocomplex · 25/08/2019 21:06

Do you think your marriage is over? Does he feel the same? I think it’s time for a proper talk. And yes, you should tell him that at the moment you prefer it when he’s not there, and what do you think you could do together to change that.

I’m glad you had a lovely day, for your kids as well as you. What a shame he didn’t.

Chitarra · 25/08/2019 21:07

That is a sad situation OP. Do you think there is any chance it can be salvaged? How long has he been like this?

Original poster
theClasher · 25/08/2019 21:07

I'm not sure but tbh I'm really stressy too but when I am with him. When Im alone with the kids I'm soooo much more calmer.

He is quite moody and not really a happy chatty tyoe of person and not acknowledging me when I walk through the door is pretty normal for me.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 25/08/2019 21:08

I've only been upstairs 10 minutes and he's already told one of the kids off for something.

Was it deserved?

It’s hard to say. I mean, you could have one parent who has to do all the heavy lifting in terms of discipline because the other parent has a much more laissez faire attitude.

YANBU to consider leaving a marriage that makes you unhappy though.

Bubsworth · 25/08/2019 21:08

I'm sorry but YABU.

Benjispruce · 25/08/2019 21:10

Wow . Not acknowledging me when I walk in the door? Wouldn’t have become my husband in the first place. How long have you been married?

pointythings · 25/08/2019 21:10

It certainly warrants a rethink of all the relationships in your family. Why is he snappy with the DC? It's worrying that you are all happier and more relaxed without him; that suggests you are all walking on eggshells around him. Have you tried to discuss any of this with him, and what has been the result?

I am absolutely not saying you should stay, btw. In 2017, my then H left our family holiday after 2 days because he wanted to drink think. Up until then I'd felt a lot of trepidation about our marriage not surviving. That all ended when I had 12 days of relaxed blissful time with my DDs - we were all so much calmer and happier. I'll spare you the long saga, but we split up, he died last year and we are a happy family of 3 now.

BrutusMcDogface · 25/08/2019 21:10

Why didn’t he go with you? I must admit I assumed he’d been at work or something.

TheVoiceInTheShed · 25/08/2019 21:10

I would tell him how happy you were without him there , he can then choose to try and put this right, or not. One thing is certain though, you definitely can't carry on being married to him and putting up with this behaviour, you've had a glimpse of a better life, you deserve to feel like that all the time, don't settle for less.

MrsMozartMkII · 25/08/2019 21:11

Not enough info to give a considered opinion, but enough to say you need to look at your marriage and what you want and need out of life, see if it all matches up.

stucknoue · 25/08/2019 21:12

Sometimes we do have an epiphany, but it's a huge decision, sit on your thoughts for a bit and try to take time with your dh and remember why you fell in love. If after a few weeks you feel the same then you need to talk and perhaps try counselling. I have felt like you many times (especially when he's away on extended business trips Grin) but he's the one that ended it.

likeafishneedsabike · 25/08/2019 21:13

It’s quite telling, isn’t it, when you prefer to spend time with the DC without him? Does he prefer to be without you too, I wonder?
It really depends whether he’s going through a stressed phase and struggling a bit with parenting, or whether he’s a dick.

SarahSinclair · 25/08/2019 21:14

I’m the same as you, op. Regularly take the kids away for day trips, breaks etc on my own. No idea what to do though as I can’t afford to leave but if I had the money....,

LaBelleSauvage · 25/08/2019 21:14

It depends on whether he tells them off for reasonable things. It's not fair on him if he is the only one who enforces the rules and you get to play at being the 'fun one' all the time.
Time for a talk about how you both feel and decide on what the rules are about behaviour together.

C0untDucku1a · 25/08/2019 21:16

Im away with my dh atm. Ive just yelled at him
For
Being a miserable
Bastard and ordering everyone, including me, to bed at 8 fucking 30! Because he is tired. He comes on one holiday a year with us. I take them away alone at least two times a
Year. He is grumpy, snappy at the children, cant say a good word about anything. Fucking fun sponge.

So i understand where you are! I think
Im calmer without him because i organise everything and do everything. When he is with us, i expect him
To
Be a competent adult and help and take some responsibility. Thats whats the problem.

Right now, at 9.15 pm in bank holiday Sunday he is fast asleep
And the children are wide awake playing rock paper scissors. So, it is still all me.

Original poster
theClasher · 25/08/2019 21:23

C0untDucku1a omg. You've described my life. When I am with him I think I expect him to take some responsibility and have an adult conversation. In reality I just feel I'm talking to myself. When we go out for eg to the beach. He just sits there whilst I play with the kids ana try to make it fun for them. I have to remind him to go and kick a ball with them or whatever. I just feel I might as well do it on my own since I almost already am.

OP posts:
Hecateh · 25/08/2019 21:28

Definitely not being unreasonable to start thinking about what about your marriage works and what doesn't and what you can do about it whether that be together or apart

Derbee · 25/08/2019 21:28

Tell him you had a lovely day. Describe what you’ve said here. See if he wants to do anything o try and save your marriage. Otherwise, let him fuck off and have a lovely life with your children 🙂

pointythings · 25/08/2019 21:29

This was my H in the last 5 years of our marriage. With him the issue was a toxic mix of bereavement, alcoholism and depression, but no matter how I talked to him, he never did anything towards his recovery - just said 'it's how I am' and expected us to live with it. So we didn't. It all got ugly and complicated, but we are coming out on the other side and life is good. If you haven't lived with a Dementor, you have no idea what it's like.

minibroncs · 25/08/2019 21:29

It sounds a really horrible way to live. Not the environment children should grow up in.

Epiphanies happen for a reason.