To think about leaving my DH because I had a lovely day without him without the kids.

[theClasher]

Today I took the kids out all day. I switched my phone off as I didn't want any disturbances and we had a lovely time. The kids had so much fun. But the thing that I really noticed the most was that I actually felt happy, calm and relaxed. The kids weren't getting told off my DH and I wasn't feeling stressed trying to get the kids to "behave" so dh wouldn't get angry. I also wasn't snappy with the kids as a result and I wasn't looking at other couples chatting and laughing thinking why can't I have that with my DH.

I've walked in and dh hasn't said a word to me about my day or even acknowledged me. I've only been upstairs 10 minutes and he's already told one of the kids off for something.

AIBU to rethink my marriage?

[billsnewhat]

Exactly the same here. I love my days out with kids but minus DH. I have friends who can't cope if their other half is not there to help. I have often left him a couple of times and we often discussing splitting up. Out of all our friends 8 couples 5 have split this year. I think people give up too quickly having kids is stressfull and I know my DH is not going to change - it is the noise and the craziness that kids bring that tips him over the edge. Me doing 99%of the parenting works for us at the moment. I do sometimes wish he did more but he isn't going to but I dont see it as a reason to go through all the stress that a divorce brings.

[AnnieFoxglove]

He gave me alot of shit which was quite frankly unforgivable. I literally had my bags packed but he promised he'd change which he did but he was never going to be the person I really needed.
Do you mean he cheated on you? Sorry, he sounds like a lot of hard work.

[mathanxiety]

YANBU.

Look on this day as a gift - the day you it became crystal clear what you and the children were missing, and how bad things are between you and your H.

Make plans. Consult a solicitor.

The moodiness and criticism and present-but-not-available-for-anyone attitude of your H is going to have a horrible effect on your children. You know how soul crushing it is for you.

[Verily1]

You know the answer yourself.

[KUGA]

Sadly he sounds like a spoilt brat.
Kids come first

[kateandme]

do you think today was the calrity you needed?
do you still love him.
but are you sure.because if you were would you have come on hre with a post on leaving and how your doing it?thats not me questioning you but it doesnt quite sound like you are sure? and that is eqaully ok.this is a huge thing!
but this is one day.it will be forever.how does that feel.
you can keep wring yourself tired with tyring to make this work if it wont though.that wont be good for anyone.least of all the kids.they deserve to see happy mum.happy home.
i think you need to spell it out to him.exactly what your planning or thinking.his reaction would say it all i thiknk

[Queenie8]

OP I'm so sorry that you are in this relationship, if you can call it that. Take today as your epiphany, and strike whilst the iron is hot.

I've been there, got the t shirt and survived. I left my ex DH for dv, but he was like yours, a miserable fun sponge. I hated him coming home from work, dreaded the weekends, holidays, it was all on his terms. He wanted the dc to be seen and not heard. My youngest was only just a year when I threw my DH out. The youngest was a different child after 1830, dc was quiet, subdued, withdrawn, when the rest of the day they'd been a chit chatty, laughing sweet child.

My dc are completely different when with me versus ex DH, even now 8 years later.

You and your family deserve better, deserve peace and tranquility and happiness. With or without your husband.

[Toneitdown]

early on in our relationship we could just be in bed talking for a couple of hours - it seems unreal that we even did that!

It's really sad that something so simple seems so out of reach to you now.

You need to talk to your DH. Tell him how you feel about him sitting at the laptop during mealtimes, and being so miserable on days out, and ignoring you when you get home. Tell him everything, heart on your sleeve. If he is prepared to listen and try and make this work then your marriage isn't over yet. Help him, work with him. It will be a long road but it will be worth it. If he won't listen to you then I suppose there's nothing else you can do. At least then you'll have your answer.

[BeverlyGoldbergsHairAndJumpers]

My ex was like this. When he left us it was like a weight had been lifted from all of us.
Even making my tea made me happy. I felt young and free and my children were more relaxed too.

[theClasher]

It is a big decision which is why I've posted here. I don't know what to do. I'm tired. I don't know if I have the energy for a divorce or to work at it.

[Rainbowknickers]

I had this with my ex
(We didn’t live together)
When it was just me and the kids we had so much fun
When it was him me and the kids it felt like I was in the middle trying to make everyone happy and smoothing over the (non) issues he was determined to being up over the kids (who had done nothing wrong) I was caught in the middle at all times
The last straw was when we where painting our hallway-one day it was just us-everything went smoothly and we where having fun
The next day it was him and us-it was hell
He picked up on everything we did ‘wrong’ and yelled at us for nothing
Two of the kids just walked away and got shit for it from him
I just calmly turned round and told him it was over-and I meant it
Bloody fun sponge-we where better of without him

[FuriousVexation]

My ex was similar. Occasionally we would have a nice family day out with DS. But 9 times out of 10, his moodiness would ruin the day. And then he would turn around and shout at DS "We could have had a nice day today, but as usual YOU have ruined it!" This would be for something incredibly trivial such as asking if he could have another hot dog and going "awwww" when told no. We're not talking tantrums or actual bad behaviour.

When we used to go supermarket shopping on the weekend, ex would constantly berate DS. "Stop touching stuff!" DS would ask what he could find for us to put in the trolley. "Nowt, shut up and stop showing off." We'd get to the tills. DS would try to help load stuff on the belt. "I TOLD YOU TO STOP TOUCHING STUFF you're grounded for 2 weeks." Absolutely pointless.

At one point ex had major surgery so me and DS did the shopping on our own for about 8 weeks. It was a fucking revelation. I would ask DS "Can you find me some nice apples, we need 5" and "We need some shampoo, can you find the one we normally buy?" At the till I would ask him to pass me the items out the trolley and I'd put them on the belt. When packing, I'd ask him to sort the items into frozen, fridge and dry. He fucking loved it. He was so eager to help.

It hurts my heart now when I look back and think why the fuck did I let his dad suppress his spirit for so long.

My own epiphany came when my ex went to stay with a friend (aka OW) for a week and not only did I not give a shit that he was almost certainly shagging someone else, but it was the most peaceful, chilled out week that I'd had since we got married.

[CheshireChat]

A couple of our worst arguments have been about DP's moaning and groaning about everything, particularly straight as he gets in from work.

Or complete overreactions over minor stuff with DS, yes he's annoying, but he's also a kid, don't start a fight over everything and anything.

I ended up calling DP a Dementor and then DS insisted he should go to work as it's nicer if he's not there, it very much drove the point home and DP was horrified by his behaviour essentially.

[theClasher]

I find that I he balanced out the snappiness with actually spending time talking with the kids that would help as at moment the only communication they get from him is negative. He doesn't play with them, talk to them, teach them anything. Nothing. I

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

Sounds awful. It just sounds a really lonely existence for you.

What was he like when you were first together?
How long has he behaving like this?

Are there any times when he's fun/relaxed /engages with you /kids in a postive way?

[Oblomov19]

Dh is a little bit like this. Not too much, not too bad, but definitely a tiny bit of tenterhooks sometimes, when he comes home from work. He has much higher standards than me. I just don't care that much!

[theClasher]

IamtheDevilsAvocado he can be playful with the kids but it's not a daily thing. It's every now and again and it's only for ten minutes or so and then it's like ok kids now go away. He's not a proactive parent. In all the years he's never read them a bedtime book. Ive done every single one. They are older now so can read themselves but I feel I put all the effort into the kids and he's just not interested. Even emotional support. It's me that talks to the kids if they're feeling sad/ have an issue etc. I honestly don't know if he knows what's going on in their lives if it wasn't for me telling him. I'm getting more and more annoyed as I'm going through this thread.

I don't think behaviour like this can change

[minibroncs]

You don't have to make big decisions immediately. It might be that you need a bit of time to sit with the realisations you've just had (eg of how bad things are, how much better they can easily be, and how lonely you are) and let yourself process and come to terms with it.

There's a bit of grieving that goes on around leaving/ending a relationship even when you know it's the right thing. All those emotions take a bit of time. It's ok to give yourself that if you need it.

You can love the person he used to be, the relationship you once had, and the dreams you had for life with him, and still it be time to move on. You don't have to stay in a bad situation to keep the good memories - they come with you regardless.

Some of the exhaustion you are feeling is from living in this environment with him. Coming home to someone who ignores you, shows no interest in you, and is a source of negativity and unpleasantness leaving you all walking on eggshells will absolutely drain you. It's a soul destroying way to live.

That exhaustion lifts once you're free of it, but you have to be ready to push yourself to make the leap to act, keeping in mind the long term reason and benefit. If that is what you want to do.

It would be easy to minimise this as one day, a one off, but you've described a long term pattern here, including what happened after you gave birth and the fact that although he promised to change he clearly has only changed partially. Enough change to make you feel you couldn't justify leaving, but not enough for life to be how it should be for you. (It's possible it might not be, but that does indicate deliberate coercive control/abuse.)

It's draining and lonely for you to live like this. It will be really hurtful for your children to be living with a parent who makes them feel unlovable (whether or not he does so deliberately, whether or not he protests that he does love them - it's the actions that matter).

Would a few sessions of individual counselling for you to talk it through confidentially with someone neutral be something that might help you figure out what you want to do and how to go about it?

[Herocomplex]

Does he know that he is likely to have the same relationship with them when they’re adults?
It’s also particularly difficult for girls having an emotionally distant father, as they model aspects of future romantic relationships on the one they have with their father/equivalent.

[minibroncs]

Your 07:52 post is so sad. I really feel for you and your children.

[Tooner]

The thought of the kids trying to get his attention while he ignores them and just looks at his laptop is incredibly sad to imagine.

I would leave him just for his. He's not bringing anything to the kids lives except negativity.

You OP sound like a bloody fab Mum.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I was lonely in my first marriage @theClasher, it was awful, so wearing that it eventually just sucked all of the life from me and made me feel completely worthless. I left, sometimes this was horrible and I made some mistakes I regret. However, I'm now with someone who I love and who loves to see me happy. We have fun just sitting together, I'm never bored with him and feel safe. He's steadfast and caring (but absolutely not perfect, sometimes he's a tit too).

I hope you can find a way forward that makes you happy. 99% of my days have been happier since I left my first husband, even the dull and boring days are good. This isn't just because of my second marriage, it's because my first husband always put himself first, and that's not how marriage works.

[theClasher]

I don't know about counseling. I would be willing to try but not sure if I could afford it though.

Tbh I'm scared to leave. I'm scared how I will cope financially. How will it affect the kids. I really really need to think about all this carefully.

[pumpkinpie01]

He is sapping the fun out of life , day in day out with his constant negative attitude and comments. You deserve better , your DC deserve better. You will feel liberated without him in the house. When my very similar exh left I whooped with joy and did a happy dance round the kitchen , our house was a happy place again and yours can be too.

[Oblomov19]

I'm always puzzled by how many MN'ers leave. Or are able to financially.

If you love someone and things aren't that bad. And then the poster has just a normal job, average pay, or works part time. And if their husband too has a normal job. And if the poster doesn't despise their husband! How could both parties separate and live in a house that has enough beds so that mum and dad can both have the kids? Near their schools? So they can have holidays and enough money to have the same treats their friends do?

How does that work?