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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think about leaving my DH because I had a lovely day without him without the kids.

108 replies

theClasher · 25/08/2019 21:01

Today I took the kids out all day. I switched my phone off as I didn't want any disturbances and we had a lovely time. The kids had so much fun. But the thing that I really noticed the most was that I actually felt happy, calm and relaxed. The kids weren't getting told off my DH and I wasn't feeling stressed trying to get the kids to "behave" so dh wouldn't get angry. I also wasn't snappy with the kids as a result and I wasn't looking at other couples chatting and laughing thinking why can't I have that with my DH.

I've walked in and dh hasn't said a word to me about my day or even acknowledged me. I've only been upstairs 10 minutes and he's already told one of the kids off for something.

AIBU to rethink my marriage?

OP posts:
Derbee · 25/08/2019 21:30

*let him fuck off and YOU have a lovely life with your children, that was meant to say

Goawayquickly · 25/08/2019 21:31

I left my ex because of similar behaviour, it was like we were just irritants to him. I used to love it when he worked away, like I could breathe properly without a grumpy, joyless grunting man sucking all my oxygen. The day he finally moved out it was like the sun came up.

justasking111 · 25/08/2019 21:31

Well if he likes discipline and order but you are a happy clappy parent that does cause friction. I am more easy going than OH when he gets over bearing I tell him straight that he is being unreasonable, not in front of the children but it does make him think. On the other hand he tells me when I am being too easy going. It is not easy because I do the lions share of care during the week, he works long hours and has a health issue a lot of pain so does have a shorter fuse.

gilliansgardenbench · 25/08/2019 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squashpocket · 25/08/2019 21:41

Have you told him how he makes you feel? Has he ever tried to improve his behaviour towards you and the children?

Molecule · 25/08/2019 21:47

My exh was like this; he sucked all the joy out of the day if we went out (very rarely) as a family. Mealtimes were also stressful with constant bollocking of the children and then snide comments about anyone having seconds. In retrospect everyone was on tenterhooks. Since we split mealtimes are great, and everyone is more relaxed. I stayed far too long, and it never got any better. He also did the ignoring me when I’d been out.

Life without him is wonderful.

w1teUall · 25/08/2019 21:48

He sounds verbally abusive. I strongly suggest going to the Relationships section of this forum where you can get much better insight and support than over here.

Do you feel lonely and disconnected with him even when things are going "good"? That is always how I felt in my emotionally abusive relationships. Something always felt very wrong in the relationship, but I couldn't pin down what it was and I never knew what would set him off.

EffiBriest · 25/08/2019 21:49

OP, you are describing my ex (note) husband. Divorce is hell, but you have reminded me that being in that situation is even worse.

Booboostwo · 25/08/2019 21:55

Having left my Ex two months ago I am now realizing that I had been like a frog in slowly warming water...somehow it had gotten to boiling, I was getting burnt all the time but I had never noticed because it was all so gradual. Maybe the day away from you H made you realize you have the same problem?

Branleuse · 25/08/2019 22:00

Sometimes i prefer Going out without dp too as its less stressful. I sometimes prefer going out without my kids too. Some things i prefer to do with my mum and then there's other things my mum drives me mad for.
Theyre all just people, and people you spend a lot of time with can be annoying.
Unless There's a drip feed coming, i don't see why you'd break up your family for that, but im glad you had a nice day

31RueCambon75001 · 25/08/2019 22:01

Yanbu, you dont have to be married.
Being happier without him is a perfectly acceptable reason to end the relationship

minesapinkgin · 25/08/2019 22:08

This sounds like my life.

Everything is too much hassle/trouble/bother etc. For him.

We went out for a family day today and he was acting like he was the only person that was in 30 degree heat.

I too prefer it when he's not here as I have no one else to expect any help from.

Antonin · 25/08/2019 22:19

There’s nothing as lonesome as being a married single parent.
ExH was depressed and self indulgent and we wee supposed to make life interesting and happy for him but everything had to be on his terms. His nerves couldn’t take noise or what he called fidgeting. Oh the relief when we left. I could really enjoy being a mother in a relaxed environment.
It’s not easy to start with but once you’re settled you’ll wish you’d done it earlier. I know my DC agreed

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 25/08/2019 22:19

I wouldn't want to share my life with someone like you describe Flowers

Charles11 · 25/08/2019 22:25

It’s a horrible way to live.
My dh can be similar but he acknowledges it, apologises and tries to change. We often go out without him but I’ve always told him that my preference is always to be with him when he’s kind, laughing and fun (as he is often too)
If your dh doesn’t even acknowledge you when you get back and doesn’t see how his behaviour is harmful then you’ll be better off without him.

Original poster
theClasher · 25/08/2019 22:37

I have waited for him to talk to me this evening. He's gone to bed. I don't know why he doesn't talk to me. On the weekends, we have breakfast together - he brings the laptop and is on that whilst I talk to the kids and they try to get his attention. The normal everyday banter and chit chat that you get in a family at the dinner table just doesn't happen. He sucks the fun out of everything and it really has an affect on my mood and then I get irritable with the kids and it's not right.

I can talk to him. But I feel I would just be sounding very accusatory. Also I guess that's just the way he is. I can't change him.

OP posts:
Original poster
theClasher · 25/08/2019 22:40

Antonin yes I do feel very lonely- I hadn't even realised till you said it which I explains why I love going to visit my family. I feel I've had some good adult conversation and a laugh or two as well. We hardly laugh too.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 25/08/2019 22:42

So he has gone to bed, I would be putting the light on, turning the tv up if you have one and wake him up. Umm.. I have been known to do this.

Smiler88 · 25/08/2019 22:42

Your poor kids - your gut is telling you to leave your DH for their sake so listen to it. You get one shot at your relationship with your children, dont ruin it as the time flies by. Perhaphs seek therapy but if not leave for their sake.

PurpleWithRed · 25/08/2019 22:43

It sounds as if he's checked out already, to be honest.

Wherearemycrayons · 25/08/2019 22:47

Has he always been like this OP? It sounds like a miserable existence for you and the kids!

UndomesticHousewife · 25/08/2019 22:49

This life that you have now when your dc are little, it will be the same life you'll have in 15 years time. But you won't be able to get that time back with your children, or for yourself.

Look at your life now. Is this what you want

PapaShango · 25/08/2019 22:49

My ex was like this. Just a miserable, moaning fun sponge. I think I became immune to it. He never acknowledged me when I got home, even though I always greeted him. I would sometimes get a grunt but he never looked at me. Never had a good word to say about anyone.

After living like this for years (no dc thank god), my epiphany happened one day his old school friends had come over. I came in from work and he greeted me and kissed me on the cheek. Like a proper warm, loving embrace. I just thought wtf. You’ve ignored me for years and now your friends are here you want to act like husband of the year. I left the next day, never looked back

Original poster
theClasher · 25/08/2019 23:04

We've been together quite a long time so I don't know at what point things have started changing. It's all been a bit gradual- Immediately after having both DC after the birth he gave me a very very hard time. I was so vulnerable, I had a difficult birth and horrific stitches and could barely move. He gave me alot of shit which was quite frankly unforgivable. I literally had my bags packed but he promised he'd change which he did but he was never going to be the person I really needed. I feel so stupid.

early on in our relationship we could just be in bed talking for a couple of hours - it seems unreal that we even did that!

OP posts:
QueefLatifah · 25/08/2019 23:20

This is sad ☹️