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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to holiday with DSS ever again?

154 replies

IfeelguiltyIdo · 25/08/2019 17:29

DSS is 19 and at university. DH and I have 2 children together, 10 and 8. Over the years I am the one who researches and mainly pays for holidays which have mainly consisted of caravan holidays in the UK or cottage holidays in Europe. DSS stopped joining the UK holidays a few years ago (he’d go and stay with his mum while we were away. Normally, he lived with us full time until he started university) but still joined the European holidays.

All he wanted to do during these holidays though is sleep and play games on his phone in his bedroom, ignoring his siblings and DH and I. We’d wait for him to get up so we can have a day out. If we were all sitting outside or playing games or setting up a barbecue we’d have to call him to join us. It made me wonder why he wanted to come if all he wanted to do is shut himself in his bedroom just like he does at home. When we went to the beach, for example he come in his trainers and refuse to join in. I found it weird for a 15/16 year old to behave like this.

I am from a country which is a big tourist destination. My sibling is getting married. DSS wants to come along. I don’t really know want him to come. We went last year for another family (my side of the family) event and he didn’t join us. When we are there we spend most of the time catching up with family and kids playing with their cousins. We fit in a few days at get beginning and end of our time there doing our own thing but most of the time we are at my dad’s house with all my siblings and their children (9 children between 11 and 2). I just know DSS would get bored very quickly and expect us to go and do touristy things most of the time. He sees this as holiday and I see it as catching up with family. Our relationship is not that great but it’s not bad either. AIBU, aren’t I in not wanting him to join us? DH feels guilty but also says he doesn’t think he’d enjoy himself. DSS has no relationship at all with my side of the family and has met them only twice.

OP posts:
VLCDoingIt · 25/08/2019 17:31

Just say no.
He's an adult.
No need for him to come.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/08/2019 17:32

YABVU.

He is so much older than his half siblings so will have nothing in common with them and what 19 year old wants to hang around with younger children.

Perhaps he’s also picked up on the fact that you don’t want him there so keeps himself to himself.

If he has no relationship with your side of he family that’s down to the adults involved.

stucknoue · 25/08/2019 17:34

If he wants to come he is old enough for you to be honest with your expectations and the functions he is expected to attend and feign interest in. By 19 he's probably getting past the moody teenager stage anyway

LEELULUMPKIN · 25/08/2019 17:35

Let him go with you. He is 19 yrs old and if he starts kicking off about doing "touristy" things remind him that he is an adult and if he wants to do that go right ahead but you had explained that this time was for your family not a family holiday.

I doubt he will ask to come with you again.

HerRoyalNotness · 25/08/2019 17:38

he wanted to do during these holidays though is sleep and play games on his phone in his bedroom, ignoring his siblings and DH and I

No point in spending money for him to join you if this is all he does. I’d say no on this one, but maybe, maybe in the future take him on holiday another time

Cordial11 · 25/08/2019 17:38

I feel for you, it sounds like your just want to enjoy your limited time with family and not have to worry about entertaining moody DSS! Does he pay his own way on holiday? You could go down that line and say yes he can come but now older he needs to contribute? Might put him off

Contraceptionismyfriend · 25/08/2019 17:39

Tell him he can join if he finances himself.

Original poster
IfeelguiltyIdo · 25/08/2019 17:39

Icecream, I did want him there during our European holidays but he just didn’t seem interested in joining the rest of the family. Surely, even as a 15/16 year you’d still have fun being in the swimming pool with your siblings. Or are my expectations too high?

OP posts:
ThisMustBeMyDream · 25/08/2019 17:39

I don't even want to take my own 17 year old on holiday anymore. So nope, not unreasonable at all.

Teenagers need to conform to family plans (ie. Get up at a reasonable time, not be on devices contiuously, have conversations etc) or just don't come.

My dad just took me, my other half and my 3 kids on an all inclusive package type holiday. My 17 year old DS was the biggest waste of money ever! Slept til 2pm, off out with the kids club reps half the night, never had breakfast, in fact he only made lunch on one of the days. Sadly, he was staying in my dad's room, which was at the more adult hotel next door. So I couldn't even make him get up, or do much to prevent him being an antisocial knob for the week.

All I know is, if he wants to come on a family holiday he can pay for himself in future.

Engoltheharpy · 25/08/2019 17:39

He wants to come, explain to him what type of holiday it will be and leave him to enjoy the holiday his way. Perhaps if you took off so much expectations from him you'd all enjoy it better. Tell him your plans for the day and when you're going if he's not ready then leave without him.
Teenagers and young adults are very different from children and older adults, it sounds like somehow you've helped rear a teen and understand nothing about them.

GiveMeHope103 · 25/08/2019 17:39

He needs to be made very clear that you are there for your siblings wedding and spending time with your family. Not expecting everyone to go off during touristy things. And if he wants to do that then he's on his own. Then let him decide.

Podwoman888 · 25/08/2019 17:40

Why does he have to come with you?

Hasn't he got any pals his own age that he could go on holiday with?

GruciusMalfoy · 25/08/2019 17:41

At 19 id allow him to come, but it would be on the understanding that of he started whining about being bored, it's be the last time. If it's a family visit, make it clear before booking that he can go do touristy things on his own, but you won't be.

Original poster
IfeelguiltyIdo · 25/08/2019 17:41

No, he doesn’t pay for anything as he’s never had a job before.

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 25/08/2019 17:43

Maybe he picks up on vibes?

Just make it clear that you won’t be doing tourist stuff on this holiday. But he is part of your family and if he wants to come then he should be encouraged.

DelphiniumBlue · 25/08/2019 17:44

Is he invited to the wedding? If not, then he can't really come anyway, can he?
a tricky situation : he is part of your family if he lives with you, and I'm sure you don't want to hurt him. I'm assuming that the wedding will be during university holidays?
I think I'd be talking about how fun it is, all the dc sharing rooms, how lovely to be spending all your time with granny and aunty and great uncle x, long days spent preparing and eating family meals, how delightful to have internet free time ( are they up a mountain with no signal??).
Is the plan that you stay with family? If not, maybe one of his own parents or even he himself could pay for a hotel room and he can take himself off and do his own thing? Even bring a friend? So he's not banned from what he'll see as a family holiday, but a bit independent while he's there?
Btw, sadly its quite normal for teenagers to spend all day on screens when they're not actually sleeping. Maybe him asking to come is an indication that he's growing up, and wants to see new places.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 25/08/2019 17:45

Fantastic then this is the point you look him in the eye and say "but how can you afford to come"

BigSandyBalls2015 · 25/08/2019 17:47

ThisMustBeMyDream that all sounds quite normal for a 17 year old to be fair!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/08/2019 17:47

Quite sad how many would exclude a step child by making them pay for their “family” holiday place themselves despite being a student.

Original poster
IfeelguiltyIdo · 25/08/2019 17:48

He doesn’t do much with friends. I think he waits to be invited by friends. I don’t think he ever plans anything. He rarely goes out. Not sure if his social life is much more different when he is at university.

I don’t think I expect too much from him. Is it too much to expect all of us to have some interaction on a family holiday? I don’t mean spending every minute together. Just having meals together and spending time just chatting or whatever afterwards instead of people rushing off back to their rooms etc.

OP posts:
FuckFacePlatapus · 25/08/2019 17:50

Yabu, you described normal teenage behaviour. What did you expect him to do at that age? You will find all this out for yourself when your DC come this age.

As for this holiday it sounds like you are just being spiteful. Either All The DC go or none of them go including your own.

chickenyhead · 25/08/2019 17:50

I wouldn't leave any of my kids or DSS behind if they wanted to come. They are all part of the family and teenagers are teenagers.

Right now he may be being a nightmare but as your children get older he will no doubt be a great support to them. I wouldn't exclude personally, but this is your family and not mine.

Azeema · 25/08/2019 17:51

YUBVU
All teens go through phase of being moody and awful. He was too old to play with other kids you have on those other holidays. Did you only do things little kids enjoy on those holidays? Did you even say, hey you pick activity for today on any past holiday? He may have felt excluded even when he was there.
Now he 19, maybe he grow out of teen gloom and more adult. He has said he wants to come, it would be very mean to exclude him because he was normal teenager before. Your family is his family too as he is son of your DH. Maybe this good time to build adult to adult relations with your DSS.

Barbarafromblackpool · 25/08/2019 17:51

A no from me.

Flamingo84 · 25/08/2019 17:52

He’s 19 and living away at uni, he’s old enough that he could go off and do a few touristy things on his own.

Judging him by his behaviour when he was 15 is a bit unfair. I spent a holiday at that age complaining, attached to a pay phone and searching for Cadbury chocolate (my parents booked a hol in Spain over Xmas which is my favourite time of year and it was snowing back home so I was very stroppy Blush. By 19 I was at uni, had bought a flat and had a mortgage.

Talk to him about the reason you’ll be away, what events you’d expect him to turn up for and see what his response is.