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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to holiday with DSS ever again?

154 replies

IfeelguiltyIdo · 25/08/2019 17:29

DSS is 19 and at university. DH and I have 2 children together, 10 and 8. Over the years I am the one who researches and mainly pays for holidays which have mainly consisted of caravan holidays in the UK or cottage holidays in Europe. DSS stopped joining the UK holidays a few years ago (he’d go and stay with his mum while we were away. Normally, he lived with us full time until he started university) but still joined the European holidays.

All he wanted to do during these holidays though is sleep and play games on his phone in his bedroom, ignoring his siblings and DH and I. We’d wait for him to get up so we can have a day out. If we were all sitting outside or playing games or setting up a barbecue we’d have to call him to join us. It made me wonder why he wanted to come if all he wanted to do is shut himself in his bedroom just like he does at home. When we went to the beach, for example he come in his trainers and refuse to join in. I found it weird for a 15/16 year old to behave like this.

I am from a country which is a big tourist destination. My sibling is getting married. DSS wants to come along. I don’t really know want him to come. We went last year for another family (my side of the family) event and he didn’t join us. When we are there we spend most of the time catching up with family and kids playing with their cousins. We fit in a few days at get beginning and end of our time there doing our own thing but most of the time we are at my dad’s house with all my siblings and their children (9 children between 11 and 2). I just know DSS would get bored very quickly and expect us to go and do touristy things most of the time. He sees this as holiday and I see it as catching up with family. Our relationship is not that great but it’s not bad either. AIBU, aren’t I in not wanting him to join us? DH feels guilty but also says he doesn’t think he’d enjoy himself. DSS has no relationship at all with my side of the family and has met them only twice.

OP posts:
MorganKitten · 25/08/2019 21:57

He’s 19, he can do things by himself surely.

SpaceDinosaur · 25/08/2019 22:06

Don't take him.
Not because he's 19
Not because he's freeloading

But because he's self absorbed and has no interest in spending time with his family. So don't waste your time, money or effort.

supermum85 · 25/08/2019 22:09

My family went on holiday without me when I was 16. My dad and step mum and stepsisters. They told me I would hate it and it would be too boring for me as I liked going out lots.

Seeing their videos of it after made me feel like a family outcast. I've since visited the villa they stayed it with my husband (we know the owners) and it was gorgeous. It makes me even more sad knowing they obviously just didn't want me with them and I wasn't fully part of the family like my step mum's kids obviously were.

Take him with you!

aweedropofsancerre · 25/08/2019 22:26

It is not a holiday folks it’s a family wedding! Very different and the DS is keen to go.

KarmaStar · 26/08/2019 09:59

Allow him to go,sounds like he is being punished for how he behaved as a teenager and because he isn't a social person.
He could have a lot going on in his head,have you say down with him and asked him how he feels?if he is worried or upset?
He is a member of your family,not an unwelcome lodger.

Jack80 · 26/08/2019 18:27

Speak to him, see if he will be adult enough to get to know your family instead of sulking he is 19 after all so could always go off for a walk etc if bored.

Bennyandthejetsssss · 26/08/2019 18:49

YABVU.

Your own children will also go through this phase. Would you treat them the same?

Teens can be dicks, but you’re in the role of parent. Be kind.

Jeeperscreepers69 · 26/08/2019 18:49

How you find a 15 yr old weird for being locked in bedroom on phone is beyond me. This is what they do. Moody hormonal and just big horrible arses. Shouldnt he be planning a lads holiday now not tagging along with u?????

Nettie1964 · 26/08/2019 18:52

He has always lived with you but has no relationship with your family????? His behaviour sound normal for a young teenager. Now he is older why don't you just say it might be a v boring holiday and as it will involve a lot of family stuff he should be prepared. You don't sound as of you really like him much. So living with you must have been difficult. Very distant did you make him feel lived or welcome or is it your children and the inconvenient step?

EllenMP · 26/08/2019 18:54

YABU. His behaviour sounds quite normal for 15-16. I have two sons aged 15 and 18 and three older stepson, and all put long lie ins at the top of their holiday pleasures in their mid-late teens. You have to work extra hard to make a blended family feel like a real family to the children involved, so please do not exclude him or make him pay or anything. But do talk about what the programme is, especially for the days you will be staying with family and make sure he is clear on what he is expected to do and what's on offer for entertainment. He may be more amenable to playing with the kids at 19 than he was at 16. And he may choose to go off by himself and do tourist things if you tell him that's an option for him.

Justanotherfemale · 26/08/2019 18:58

Never heard such drivel - he is a teenager and reeking havoc

winniestone37 · 26/08/2019 19:06

YABU. wow, he's 'weird' becuase he doesn't conform to your ideas of what he should have been at that age. Stunningly horrible. You want to leave him out of the family let's be honest. He annoys you. 19 Is still a child, fine if you don't want him to come work it out and be honest and upfront but at least have decency to admit it's as much about his failings as it is yours.

winniestone37 · 26/08/2019 19:09

@SpaceDinosaur 19 year olds are still children, they ate not freeloading becuase they don't conform to your standards, one of the nastiest comnents I have ever come across on MN and this is one of the nastiest threads. Mumsnetters should be ashamed of themselves.

mleah2611 · 26/08/2019 19:11

It’s high time he got himself a job,plenty of people get part time jobs whilst at university. There is no reason why he can’t do the same. Maybe then it would buck his ideas up when he actually has to interact with real live people. But also he will be making his own money and won’t have to ask anyone for something in the future.

mleah2611 · 26/08/2019 19:18

Winniestone37 the comment from @SpaceDinosaur was honest and in no way nasty. Why pay for someone who does nothing different to what they do at home.
Also at 19 he is an adult NOT a child. GET A GRIP

Ithinkmycatisevil · 26/08/2019 19:19

I would let him come if he wants to come. However I would make it clear to him that if he wants to come he has to be sociable and interact with the family, as it’s a family occasion and not just a holiday.

If he doesn’t want to spend time chatting and being polite to your family then he shouldn’t come, but if he’s willing to do the family thing, then he shouldn’t be excluded.

Masie24 · 26/08/2019 19:24

Your DSS is family. If he wants to come, let him and tell him that you're happy he wants to be at a family gathering and perhaps he could research/suggest things to do in addition to celebrating your sister's wedding. At 19, he's on the cusp of adulthood. Only the cusp. He's still very young and probably wanting very much to belong.

He's also a student. He very likely won't be able to afford to pay his own way or contribute very much.

My DS3 has is DH's DSS. He's nevertheless as much a part of our joint family as our other kids.

I hope that whatever happens, you have a lovely time.

Birdbox74 · 26/08/2019 19:26

I remember my parents leaving me when I was 16 because I said I didn’t want to go. They left me at home for 10 nights!

ReTooth · 26/08/2019 19:43

When I mentioned my sibling getting married, he excitedly mentioned all the things we could do

There you go. You don’t need to think of things for your DSS and husband to do your DSS has already thought of things. Get them to scoot off on their own for a couple of days while you hang out with your family.

19 years olds who have spent a year at Uni have often matured a little. Holidays can bond families. Rather than seeing this wedding as something he should be excluded from I think you could try and see if you can all come together as family.

Do your other kids and your husband want him to come?

nuxe1984 · 26/08/2019 19:49

His behaviour would piss me off. All those saying he's part of the family, you have to take him ... well, he should act and behave as though he's part of the family, not ignore everyone and do his own thing by himself. And to all those that say he shouldn't be expected to do this at 15/16, absolute rubbish! Teenagers still enjoy playing around in the pool. My 16 year old DSD plays with the grandchildren aged 6 and 3, takes them to the park, etc.

The telling thing here is that he's not bothered with the UK holidays, just the foreign ones.

OP ...you are going to visit your family, they aren't his family. And if he's not bothered to be part of his immediate family when you've been away before he's not going to change now.

He's an adult. How long is he going to scroungers off you for free holidays?

frumpety · 26/08/2019 20:05

All he wanted to do during these holidays though is sleep and play games on his phone in his bedroom, ignoring his siblings and DH and I

He is 19, you know where he is, he is safe, and he isn't costing you anything (extra) if he sits in his room playing games on his phone. Honestly, wait until yours are this age and you will appreciate this. Family wedding is different, get DH to tell him he needs to be 'present' , brush up on his small talk and also limit his expectations re the touristy shindigs and then tell him you would really love it if he was there. Children don't often appreciate the things adults do, its a bit mean spirited to hold that against them as they get older Smile

Livelovebehappy · 26/08/2019 20:09

I was a teen DSC many years ago, and was treated very similar to what you’re proposing to do to your DSS. I sometimes think to myself that maybe these days, when people are taught to be more self aware and tolerant, that times have changed. Then I come onto a step parent thread and realise nope... things are still the same. Don’t be mean, and think for one second whether you will do the same with your own when they are his age - I suspect not.

Peakypolly · 26/08/2019 20:12

I’m guessing many on here do not have young adult DC you described normal teenage behaviour. What did you expect him to do at that age? You will find all this out for yourself when your DC come this age
If he wants to have a poke around by himself in a foreign country he will. He may be happy just being around, what he sees as, his family, even if this is just hearing you all from his room. He has met your family twice? Give him an opportunity to get to know them.
I have two DC at university (and one just finished) and, judging by their experiences, the trips to Asia will be mainly funded by their parents. I’m guessing neither you nor his DM will finance this.

Nettie1964 · 26/08/2019 20:19

If he lived with u full time why doesn't he know your family? Sounds like u don't like him much. Your kids will be the same when they are teenagers. Feel sorry for him tbh.

Italiangreyhound · 26/08/2019 20:33

I'd be very honest with him about what the holiday will be. Then if he choses to come that wold be OK. I am assuming he would need his own room so it is an added cost but I think it's fair for him to come as he is a student. Once he is working he could pay for the holiday.

He does sound like a normal teen to be honest.