To not want to holiday with DSS ever again?

[IfeelguiltyIdo]

DSS is 19 and at university. DH and I have 2 children together, 10 and 8. Over the years I am the one who researches and mainly pays for holidays which have mainly consisted of caravan holidays in the UK or cottage holidays in Europe. DSS stopped joining the UK holidays a few years ago (he’d go and stay with his mum while we were away. Normally, he lived with us full time until he started university) but still joined the European holidays.

All he wanted to do during these holidays though is sleep and play games on his phone in his bedroom, ignoring his siblings and DH and I. We’d wait for him to get up so we can have a day out. If we were all sitting outside or playing games or setting up a barbecue we’d have to call him to join us. It made me wonder why he wanted to come if all he wanted to do is shut himself in his bedroom just like he does at home. When we went to the beach, for example he come in his trainers and refuse to join in. I found it weird for a 15/16 year old to behave like this.

I am from a country which is a big tourist destination. My sibling is getting married. DSS wants to come along. I don’t really know want him to come. We went last year for another family (my side of the family) event and he didn’t join us. When we are there we spend most of the time catching up with family and kids playing with their cousins. We fit in a few days at get beginning and end of our time there doing our own thing but most of the time we are at my dad’s house with all my siblings and their children (9 children between 11 and 2). I just know DSS would get bored very quickly and expect us to go and do touristy things most of the time. He sees this as holiday and I see it as catching up with family. Our relationship is not that great but it’s not bad either. AIBU, aren’t I in not wanting him to join us? DH feels guilty but also says he doesn’t think he’d enjoy himself. DSS has no relationship at all with my side of the family and has met them only twice.

I think it's his age.

If he's in education, I wouldn't exclude him, as his days of coming away with you are numbered at 19. I'd make him feel welcome and wanted, but set down ground rules, as this is a wedding, it's a perfect opportunity to do so, it's not a typical, standard holiday.

It's nice that he still wants to come.

I'm gonna go a different (kinda) way on this and say this.
Sit him down, explain your expectations and that if he wants to come and not join in with the family and do his own thing, he can, at his own expense

I am slightly confused when you say that when your DSS does go on holidays with you, he spends most of the time in his bed, or at least in his room, and doesn't want to do things with you all as a family; why then on this one occasion when it isn't even a proper holiday, would he suddenly want to go out with you all and do 'touristy' things?

It's so difficult being a step-parent, whatever you do will seem wrong to many people. Here OP is trying to be inclusive as she has been all along, that's clear despite many posters not reading properly and saying otherwise. She knows he can't contribute financially as he doesn't have a job and is wondering if DS would be happy coming along to a family event not a holiday, that's all. Some posters have made horrible remarks about her treating him differently or excluding him - he lives with them and is part of the family FFS - she's the one who actively plans to include him in family things as DH seems too passive or lazy. So cut her some slack.

Regarding this family event, I'd sit down and have a chat with him, explain the nature of the event and tell him it should be possible for he and his dad to have a couple of days to go on touristy activities but the thrust of the trip will be the family stuff. Encourage him to plan to go out and do touristy things sometimes but tell him he would be expected to join in with family stuff too.

Then wait to see how he responds, and take it from there. Good luck! My own DSCs can be maddening and never think of me - they've never lived with us but visit frequently and treat the house like a hotel and me as housekeeper. It's all just about what they want to do with their own parent, even if OH and I already have different plans. They'll happily invite OH to do things with them and tell me I wouldn't want to come! But I'd never exclude them, although I have been guilty of over-emphasising the boring obligations of events with my family (family being siblings, aunts etc, I don't have children of my own sadly) in hopes they wouldn't want to come, and doubtless would be castigated on MN for this.