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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to holiday with DSS ever again?

154 replies

IfeelguiltyIdo · 25/08/2019 17:29

DSS is 19 and at university. DH and I have 2 children together, 10 and 8. Over the years I am the one who researches and mainly pays for holidays which have mainly consisted of caravan holidays in the UK or cottage holidays in Europe. DSS stopped joining the UK holidays a few years ago (he’d go and stay with his mum while we were away. Normally, he lived with us full time until he started university) but still joined the European holidays.

All he wanted to do during these holidays though is sleep and play games on his phone in his bedroom, ignoring his siblings and DH and I. We’d wait for him to get up so we can have a day out. If we were all sitting outside or playing games or setting up a barbecue we’d have to call him to join us. It made me wonder why he wanted to come if all he wanted to do is shut himself in his bedroom just like he does at home. When we went to the beach, for example he come in his trainers and refuse to join in. I found it weird for a 15/16 year old to behave like this.

I am from a country which is a big tourist destination. My sibling is getting married. DSS wants to come along. I don’t really know want him to come. We went last year for another family (my side of the family) event and he didn’t join us. When we are there we spend most of the time catching up with family and kids playing with their cousins. We fit in a few days at get beginning and end of our time there doing our own thing but most of the time we are at my dad’s house with all my siblings and their children (9 children between 11 and 2). I just know DSS would get bored very quickly and expect us to go and do touristy things most of the time. He sees this as holiday and I see it as catching up with family. Our relationship is not that great but it’s not bad either. AIBU, aren’t I in not wanting him to join us? DH feels guilty but also says he doesn’t think he’d enjoy himself. DSS has no relationship at all with my side of the family and has met them only twice.

OP posts:
Original poster
IfeelguiltyIdo · 25/08/2019 18:57

Thanks again. Will discuss again and see if he really wants to come and then we can plan accordingly.

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 25/08/2019 19:00

I agree that he's probably much more mature now, esp. having lived away from home for a year, than he was at 15/16. I think it'll be a different experience and he'll interact more with the adults this time - perhaps he could even do some touristy things with one of the other wedding guests. Is there anyone else going (like a cousin) who's close to his age?

Those who are being judgy about your misgiving clearly haven't been on holiday with an awkward teen. DD [14] veered between being lovely and a right pain on our summer holiday. Grin

In fact, we had a family discussion afterwards and have all agreed that we're not going to bother with family holidays going forward unless it's a short trip to the beach with friends that everyone wants to do! As DD said, all she wants to do is "hang out with her friends, go to the beach and ogle boys!" None of this interests DH, DS or I, so what's the point of organising anything else?! S

Original poster
IfeelguiltyIdo · 25/08/2019 19:01

HangryPants, his dad has been a bit passive about things and I think at times might have allowed DSS to see himself (or him and his dad) as a separate entity to me. I don’t really know if this is just in my head.

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 25/08/2019 19:01

First of all, if a 15/16 year old doesn’t want to play with little kids in a pool and would rather lounge around on their phone, that is entirely normal. You didn’t have to wait for him to get up to go and do things. You could have just let him mooch around at the caravan while you went off for the day. My siblings are ten and six years older than me and they didn’t come on every excursion when we went on family holidays; I remember going off to do kiddy stuff and leaving them sunbathing outside the caravan/chalet many times when they were that age. Or they’d go to the pool on their own sometimes. I don’t understand why him wanting to sleep in and do his own thing was a problem.

Secondly, your DSS is now an adult and can do things on his own. He doesn’t have to come to the wedding with you or meet all your family. He can do tourist things separately if he wants to - just ensure that he knows that’s the deal.

Original poster
IfeelguiltyIdo · 25/08/2019 19:07

Yes, DSS and his dad could go off and do something just the two of them but I don’t see DH planning that. Even here they hardly do things just the 2 of them. I honestly do encourage them but all they do is go to the cinema very occasionally. Things seem to happen if I plan to them myself.

OP posts:
Rachelle11 · 25/08/2019 19:13

He doesn't live with his mum, and his dad had a new wife when he was 5. I just want to remind you that he has been through a lot of loss right there. Your other children fortunately have not had those losses and adjustments to make. I think it's important to be compassionate to him.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 25/08/2019 19:15

YANBU if he makes no effort to interact with you all when on holiday then there is absolutely no point in him going with you when you visit your family. Also the fact that at 19 he doesn't have a job and doesn't expect to contribute to his holiday abroad means he sounds like a moody spoiled 13 year old. I would tell him this is just a trip to spend time with your family and as he never seems to enjoy himself with you and obviously cannot afford to pay for himself, then it is not possible for him to go with you on this trip. TBH at his age I would expect him to be going on holiday with his mates and funding himself.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 25/08/2019 19:16

If DSS wants do touristy things, say to him and your DH that it makes sense for them to plan these activities together as you and the younger DC will be catching up with family and probably won't be able to come along.

Your DSS can then tell your DH what he'd like to do and tbh, it's much easier for two adults to sight-see without DC to consider.

Perhaps if they do more together on this trip, they'll realise that it's fun and do more together when they're back home?

pictish · 25/08/2019 19:16

Just you wait till your little cherubs are in their teens and skulking in their rooms, faces stuck in their phones and refusing to join in with anything. Remember this thread then.

SalemShadow · 25/08/2019 19:19

Wow you are so harsh. Can't believe you are thinking of saying he can't come or funding it himself. Really, really harsh. I hope you change your mind. This would be a good opportunity to meet family but you are trying to exclude him!

TantricTwist · 25/08/2019 19:24

He sounds no different from half the other boys his age to be fair. Accept the fact this is quite a normal way for boys his age to behave and you just carry on as you would do at the wedding, let him come along and maybe he will come out of his shell a bit more when lots of happy drunk people make him have a good time.

My DS is very similar albeit he's only 13. He drives me mad on holiday. Turns out he has traits of Aspergers so knowing that makes it so much easier to understand his reluctance to socialise or pick up on normal social traits.

Original poster
IfeelguiltyIdo · 25/08/2019 19:28

Salem, where did I say he has to fund the trip? I simply replied saying he won’t be funding the trip as he doesn’t have a job.

I will speak to both and encourage them to think of ways of making the trip enjoyable for DSS especially.

OP posts:
TantricTwist · 25/08/2019 19:30

My DS is also prone to sitting on the beach in his trainers and once I had to pull his socks off that he wouldnt remove Grin He would wear his jeans if I let him.

Maybe dont let him come if you genuinely think he won't enjoy himself what's the point.

I mean why does he want to come.

That's what I find the strangest if he didn't interact much last year.

SirVixofVixHall · 25/08/2019 19:31

My nephew was similar at 15. Now at 19 he is completely different, much more outgoing and friendly. Teenagers really change from the mid teens to leaving the teenage years behind, so your stepson might be more sociable now. He might also just be a quiet person who likes being with you all but doesn’t easily join in. I would take him with you, given that things have been tricky, he needs to feel he is as important as his Dad’s other children. Hopefully this time he will have matured a bit and it will be more fun for all of you.

HangryPants · 25/08/2019 19:33

His dad has been a bit passive about things and I think at times might have allowed DSS to see himself (or him and his dad) as a separate entity to me. I don’t really know if this is just in my head.

Can you get your head around that? Can you imagine having such a passive attitude to your own children? Bizarre.

Anyway, that his dad's choice. I wouldn't take your lead from him. Firsly, I would approach this as being the kind of stepmum I'd want for my children. Secondly, I would approach this as modelling the kind of teen/young adult interactions my children could see, and thus expect, of their own relationship with me in adulthood.

Greyponcho · 25/08/2019 19:48

19?! He’s old enough to go off and do the touristy things by himself, surely?
Sounds like he wants you guys to pay for his airfare while he enjoys himself doing things that interest him, and at that age, can’t blame him for trying his luck.
Maybe explain that it is a family thing and to not join in at least some of the extended-family activities is simply plain rude, but if he wants to spend the rest of the time doing his own thing then he’s to fund it himself?

womaninthedark · 25/08/2019 19:53

19?! He’s old enough to go off and do the touristy things by himself, surely?
Just what I wanted to say! Take him. Tell him where you want him and when (eg be back here for XX when we're setting off home) and let him go enjoy himself. He can save up some spending money.

JingsMahBucket · 25/08/2019 20:06

@IfeelguiltyIdo YANBU but I also think your step-son sounds coddled and depressed. He’s 19 years old and never had a job? He doesn’t have many friends at uni and keeps to himself? He also doesn’t seem to be a self-starter, which he may have picked up from his dad. I wonder how he got into uni then. I’d be a bit concerned that something’s a bit off kilter.

Original poster
IfeelguiltyIdo · 25/08/2019 20:10

I am not taking a lead from his dad. I am a planner and always encouraged (or try to) or pushed DH to do things that will help DSS. For example, I was the one who started shopping early in preparation for DSS going off to uni. Getting him pots, cutlery etc. I involved him more in cooking so he can learn more recipes. Showed him cheap recipes like ‘skint dad carbonara’ etc. So it’s not like I do not have a relationship with him at all!

He can’t save up for anything as he doesn’t have a job but that was never a prerequisite for him to join any family holidays (or this trip)

OP posts:
Original poster
IfeelguiltyIdo · 25/08/2019 20:17

Jings, I have worried about him not going out much before but I think it’s just his personality. His dad doesn’t really like going out much which I guess that is why planning things is mostly left to me. I don’t think he is depressed, I hope not!

I have asked him what his friends are up to during the holidays and he mentioned a few are traveling with their other friends etc. One friend has gone travelling in Asia for instance. He doesn’t seem remotely interested in such things but we are all different. I think he prefers to be at home, that’s all.

OP posts:
Original poster
IfeelguiltyIdo · 25/08/2019 20:20

I don’t know how many friends he has at Uni but he does have an activity that he joined and attends some social activities linked to that.

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 25/08/2019 21:09

Travelling to Asia requires money and that requires a job!

Regardless of what you all decide re. this trip, I would strongly suggest that he looks for a summer holiday job starting early next year. Hanging around at home not doing much isn't a great way to spend long university holidays. I know I was working/travelling through most of mine.

leomama81 · 25/08/2019 21:20

Icecream my parents didn't pay for a holiday for me past 18 - nothing to do with step children, it's adult children.

He is 19 OP, he probably should have a job even if he is at uni, and then he could start to pay his own way.

user1493494961 · 25/08/2019 21:24

I wouldn't ask him to go with you, it doesn't sound as if he would enjoy it.

Shmithecat2 · 25/08/2019 21:44

@SolitudeAtAltitude

...despite hitting the magic age of 18, according to which by MN standards you should boot your kids out and never help them or be nice to them again as they are a.d.u.l.t.s...

This. Just why? It's horrid, almost like these parents think they've done the world a favour simply by baring a child. Confused