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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to holiday with DSS ever again?

154 replies

IfeelguiltyIdo · 25/08/2019 17:29

DSS is 19 and at university. DH and I have 2 children together, 10 and 8. Over the years I am the one who researches and mainly pays for holidays which have mainly consisted of caravan holidays in the UK or cottage holidays in Europe. DSS stopped joining the UK holidays a few years ago (he’d go and stay with his mum while we were away. Normally, he lived with us full time until he started university) but still joined the European holidays.

All he wanted to do during these holidays though is sleep and play games on his phone in his bedroom, ignoring his siblings and DH and I. We’d wait for him to get up so we can have a day out. If we were all sitting outside or playing games or setting up a barbecue we’d have to call him to join us. It made me wonder why he wanted to come if all he wanted to do is shut himself in his bedroom just like he does at home. When we went to the beach, for example he come in his trainers and refuse to join in. I found it weird for a 15/16 year old to behave like this.

I am from a country which is a big tourist destination. My sibling is getting married. DSS wants to come along. I don’t really know want him to come. We went last year for another family (my side of the family) event and he didn’t join us. When we are there we spend most of the time catching up with family and kids playing with their cousins. We fit in a few days at get beginning and end of our time there doing our own thing but most of the time we are at my dad’s house with all my siblings and their children (9 children between 11 and 2). I just know DSS would get bored very quickly and expect us to go and do touristy things most of the time. He sees this as holiday and I see it as catching up with family. Our relationship is not that great but it’s not bad either. AIBU, aren’t I in not wanting him to join us? DH feels guilty but also says he doesn’t think he’d enjoy himself. DSS has no relationship at all with my side of the family and has met them only twice.

OP posts:
AE18 · 26/08/2019 20:34

This is one of those threads 🙄 I clearly have very different expectations from 19 year olds than a lot of MN. At 19 I was an adult. I fully remember it and I was as much an adult as I am now, just with less experiences. There is a strong argument that you shouldn't have to pay for his holidays anymore (many people only pay for their children up to 18) and so he should pay for himself if he wants to go abroad. It's not cruel it's a very common response to them being adults and reaching working age. This is really for you to decide as a family based on your expectations and finances.

But whether he pays or not, at 19 you should be able to talk to him like an adult and tell him it's not really a touristy holiday, just catching up with family. If he wants to build a relationship with them, great, if he's not interested then that's what the trip is so he'd best give it a miss. If he's invited to the wedding then of course he should go if he wants to, if he's not, then all you should need to say is "it'll be all hanging out with family for the whole time and they'd be offended if you didn't make an effort with them, and you'd have to occupy yourself for the day we're at the wedding". He's more than old enough to understand that.

I can't believe what people palm off as "typical teenage behaviour" either. I would forgive an instance of a grumpy kid on holiday who spent the whole time in their room and refused to interact with anyone if they were maybe 12, just hitting puberty but still with a very childish mind, but at 15/16 I would consider this behaviour extremely rude and ungrateful and would make it clear to them that that is a total waste of money and I would not be taking them again if they don't rethink their behaviour. If I'd been like that on holiday when I was 16 my parents would have been absolutely furious. People will allow their children to be so appallingly ungrateful on this forum 🙄

Alsohuman · 26/08/2019 20:39

You haven’t got much experience of 15/16 year olds. That’s the zenith of awful behaviour.

Longlongsummer · 26/08/2019 20:40

I’m a SM and normally I’d be quite sympathetic to another SM. I have DSDs who are rude and I’ll never go on holiday with them again!

However your DSS doesn’t sound rude. He goes and wants to go. He’s the outsider here. I do think that I wouldn’t give up on him yet. He won’t know how to bond with you all necessarily and if he wants to go, this could be a good sign. Try talking to him first, or DH talk to him first. Ask him for one activity, that he’d enjoy, that his siblings Anything! Then you all go and do it with him.

PTW1234 · 26/08/2019 20:43

He wants a free holiday abroad.

I would say you are willing for him to come, but he has to pay for his own flights and get free accommodation. That way if he wants to do his own thing it’s on his money - labour how you are still doing him a favour by free accommodation.

I can’t imagine any 19 year old wanting to go in holiday with their parents unless there is something in it for them...

Genderfree · 26/08/2019 20:46

Why are posters talking about him like he’s a child? He’s a grown man. At 19 I was working nights on hospital wards having to deal with all sorts of things.

PTW1234 · 26/08/2019 20:54

Exactly @Genderfree I was 16 when I begged my parents to not let me go on holiday with them.

My siblings are 5 and 10 years younger then me and I hated family holidays...

frumpety · 26/08/2019 20:55

Well as long as the OP feels the same way about her own children as she does about DSS, when they reach the age of 19 and are a bit annoying and selfish as most 19 year old's are prone to be at that age, then all is fine. Pinky promise OP ?

AE18 · 26/08/2019 21:27

annoying and selfish as most 19 year old's are prone to be

There's no reason for a 19 year old to be selfish, they are not pubescent, they are past the point where this doesn't reflect badly on them as a person.

I understand a 16 year old on holiday being a bit prone to whinging, trips out being delayed by an hour because they didn't want to get off their phone, maybe thinking they're too cool for certain things. But to expect to be able to spend literally the whole time on their phone in their room (ie what they could do at home making it ludicrous to spend hundreds or thousands of pounds to do it elsewhere) is an enormous waste of money and a huge ingratitude towards somebody paying for you to be there.

My dad had a bloody itinerary - we might dip out of the odd activity to chill by the pool or have a nap if we felt tired but overall it was great, we understood it was a great gift of him to provide us with the opportunity to go and do those things.

RedTideBlues · 26/08/2019 21:27

Teenager? This is a grown man who should be sorting out his own life and not acting like a child and upsetting others around him. On past history he would not be going with me.

MsJRMEsq · 26/08/2019 21:33

He lives with you and he's part of your family so on that basis I wouldn't exclude him.

frumpety · 26/08/2019 21:41

AE18 , I just remember myself and all my friends at that age, yes we were working and paying rent etc , but we were selfish because we were not responsible for anyone else but ourselves, anything akin to a freebie was gladly taken, you know shit like Christmas presents , Sunday lunch or Birthday meals, getting the odd food parcel from your Mother because she knew you were skint or a parent paying for your car insurance or car tax just to ensure you were legal, and I am talking 30 years ago here, not some new special snowflake generation Grin

quitefranklyivehadenough · 26/08/2019 21:47

OP you're not BU at all. I have same issue with my stepson. Family holiday to Florida last year and he didn't once go into our pool or sea when we went to beach. Was either in his room on his MacBook watching Netflix or on his phone. Moaned the whole time and wanted his dad to reimburse his post wages from his part time job. Made his youngest brothers life a misery. By the end of the holiday I couldn't even look at him.
This year he didn't come-bliss!!!

AE18 · 26/08/2019 21:58

@frumpety

Yeah I don't think there's anything wrong with any of those things (my parents have done similar things for me and my mum still loves to send us away with things today), but expecting to spend the whole of a holiday tucked away on your phone and being rude to people is akin to taking something like those Christmas presents and saying they were crap rather than the obvious "thankyou". I don't think gladly taking things from your parents you could by rights have earned yourself as an adult is necessarily a problem, but being rude and ungrateful about it is.

Sleepsoon7 · 26/08/2019 22:01

My parents stopped taking me on holiday with them when I was 18 yrs. I was happy to miss the trips to Devon but gutted about the 2 weeks in Portugal that year. Thereafter I had to pay for my own holidays - and my parents weren’t poor - they just considered 18 yrs to be the cut off age for free holidays. On the other hand we have paid for one of my DCs to come with us up until the age of 23 - although for that last holiday they are paying us back the flight money for them and their partner. Decide what makes sense for your family and then stick to it for all DCs and step DCs would be my advice.

aweedropofsancerre · 26/08/2019 22:17

its not a bloody holiday its a family wedding....very different. I dont bring my adult DS on my holidays now and he is happy to go off with his friends and has done since he was 19. he has however despite his moods come to family parties or weddings which are quite different. We live in a different country and we all travel back and stay at the same hotel and we pay for it. Can we stop focussing on the 'holiday' which the OP has stated in her title, its not, its a wedding in a holiday destintation which I would assume the poor boy has been invited to?

frumpety · 26/08/2019 22:30

AE18 not having a go at you personally, just remember holidaying with sibling nearly 10 years younger and being berated for not enjoying what they did and actually being quite happy ensconced in my room reading Sky magazine and snoozing when the opportunity presented Wink

AE18 · 26/08/2019 22:35

I get that and I'm not being personal to you either, but I do think that if you do this at that age and it's literally the whole time during the holiday rather than the odd lazy lapse, then you shouldn't expect that person to pay for you to go on a holiday with them again because you have essentially been rude and disrespectful to them whether you enjoyed yourself or not. Manners do include not doing things we would personally selfishly enjoy because it is rude to others, sometimes.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 26/08/2019 22:38

I think that he should be able to join you all if he wants to. As long as you explain what it will be like. Won't your children also want to do some of the touristy stuff? Could you help him to plan the trip so that he can be independent and go off exploring most days by himself? I think that you should just explain to him what you would be mostly doing on the trip. Surely your DH could take him out for a day too though?

dysongirl · 26/08/2019 23:05

You obviously have no idea what teenager's are like.

LellyMcKelly · 26/08/2019 23:15

I’d let him go with you, but don’t wait for him or cajole him. Just say, ‘We’re going to xxx at 10am. If you’re coming be ready. If not, see you when we get back’.

MrsPellegrinoPetrichor · 26/08/2019 23:21

Just because he's not doing what you want him to do it does t mean he's not having a nice time.

What you describe is very typical behaviour that lasts a while but they come out the other end.

So what if he went to the beach in his trainers,maybe he doesn't like the feel of the sand? As for joining in,have you actually ever met any teens before? 😉

justjuggling · 27/08/2019 01:33

His behaviour would probably be very different on holiday now as a 19 year old than 4/5 years ago when he’d have been at the peak of teenageriness (not a real word, I know!). I’m on hols with my just turned 14 year old (and 10 year old ) currently and there’s a difference between her behaviour/attitude this year compared to last. A bit harder to coax out of bed for breakfast in the mornings, bit less enthusiastic about sightseeing, had her nose in a book for two hours this evening etc! I think it’s her age but am optimistic that by the time she’s 19 she’ll be past this phase. Take him, it would be a shame to have family wedding photos without him in them.

Celestine70 · 27/08/2019 01:37

Let him come. He's showing an interest. Just let him know how things are going to be there.

crustycrab · 27/08/2019 02:14

YABU. Why wouldn't he come? Even if he does display some normal teenage behaviour

SleightOfMind · 27/08/2019 02:42

It sounds like you have more of a positive relationship with him than your posts on this thread are necessarily showing and it’s genuinely lovely that he wants to come with you at his age.
I’m sure he will behave very differently from his 15yr old self and you might be surprised by how well he gets on with the adults in your family who don’t know him very well.
A great point from a PP about him and DP doing some sightseeing together too.
As long as you’re clear about expectations and he’s still happy to come, I think you might be surprised by how nice it is to have another adult around.