Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to holiday with DSS ever again?

154 replies

IfeelguiltyIdo · 25/08/2019 17:29

DSS is 19 and at university. DH and I have 2 children together, 10 and 8. Over the years I am the one who researches and mainly pays for holidays which have mainly consisted of caravan holidays in the UK or cottage holidays in Europe. DSS stopped joining the UK holidays a few years ago (he’d go and stay with his mum while we were away. Normally, he lived with us full time until he started university) but still joined the European holidays.

All he wanted to do during these holidays though is sleep and play games on his phone in his bedroom, ignoring his siblings and DH and I. We’d wait for him to get up so we can have a day out. If we were all sitting outside or playing games or setting up a barbecue we’d have to call him to join us. It made me wonder why he wanted to come if all he wanted to do is shut himself in his bedroom just like he does at home. When we went to the beach, for example he come in his trainers and refuse to join in. I found it weird for a 15/16 year old to behave like this.

I am from a country which is a big tourist destination. My sibling is getting married. DSS wants to come along. I don’t really know want him to come. We went last year for another family (my side of the family) event and he didn’t join us. When we are there we spend most of the time catching up with family and kids playing with their cousins. We fit in a few days at get beginning and end of our time there doing our own thing but most of the time we are at my dad’s house with all my siblings and their children (9 children between 11 and 2). I just know DSS would get bored very quickly and expect us to go and do touristy things most of the time. He sees this as holiday and I see it as catching up with family. Our relationship is not that great but it’s not bad either. AIBU, aren’t I in not wanting him to join us? DH feels guilty but also says he doesn’t think he’d enjoy himself. DSS has no relationship at all with my side of the family and has met them only twice.

OP posts:
MynameisJune · 25/08/2019 18:11

I was kind of with you until you said you’d know him since he was 5! So much disparagement of someone who was a small child when you met. Nothing you’ve described is anything but normal teenage behaviour.

I think it’s horrible you don’t see him as part of your family. You want to exclude him so you can put on this perfect husband, wife and two children act, like he doesn’t exist.

Azeema · 25/08/2019 18:12

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss
Yes. I agree. It like OP not want DSS in her life and has jexclude him since he was 5! Awful.
My family not so mean and picky.

gilliansgardenbench · 25/08/2019 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cosytoaster · 25/08/2019 18:13

I found it weird for a 15/16 year old to behave like this - it's pretty normal, I'd say, wait until yours are teens!
I think you're a bit mean towards him, I'd be more disgruntled at your DH for not helping to plan or pay for holidays.

Jaxhog · 25/08/2019 18:14

My parents didn't take me with them on hols once I hit 18. tbh, I'd like to have been asked.

Perhaps your DH could have a word and ask him why he wants to come since he hasn't appeared to enjoy previous holidays with you. And that he can only come if he joins in things with the rest of the family with good grace.

HangryPants · 25/08/2019 18:17

Where’s your DH in all of this??

tryingtobebetterallthetime · 25/08/2019 18:18

A few years ago we had an overseas family holiday, including DGS who was about 14. He was a typical teen, wrapped up in his friends, computer games, and his music (including huge expensive headphones he wore constantly). Frankly, he was a pain. He is now two years older, and much more grown up. He participates, take care off his young cousin, and is the opposite of a pain. Not perfect, but a delight to be around most of the time.

It is like night and day. I of course don't know your DSS but it could be that he has grown up as well. His behavior in the past sounds pretty typical and very similar to DGS.

Thymejuice · 25/08/2019 18:18

It's not the type of place he could go off and do things himself. He doesn't speak the local language

You said in an earlier post it was major tourist destination? I'm sure loads of visitors can't speak the language, and locals will be very used to this. I've been to many places I can't speak the language, including on my own, and you manage - especially in popular tourist places.

I was moody teen at times. I wouldn't have wanted to play with 5 and 7 year olds on holiday. He's now 19 and old enough to go in his own to do touristy things if he wants. I think it would be very wrong to exclude him from what is essentially a family holiday.

Waterandlemonjuice · 25/08/2019 18:20

Yabu

Original poster
IfeelguiltyIdo · 25/08/2019 18:22

Thank you for all your comments.

It is hard trying to balance different age gaps and I did worry if we weren’t being fair booking the type of holidays we’ve booked previously. That maybe they were not good enough for him but I do take your point that he was being a typical teenager.

I don’t really know if I’d take him if he were my own 19 year old if I thought he would be bored most of the time.

Off to explore various options on how he can join without him getting bored and me feeling guilty. I have explained that most of the time this time will be spent just sitting around with everyone.

Thanks again for your comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
IfeelguiltyIdo · 25/08/2019 18:29

Thymejuice, yes lots of tourists do not speak the local language. It’s hard to explain without giving away too much details. He also wouldn’t be confident enough to go off by himself.

Yes, his dad could take on more of holiday planning but that’s for another thread 😀

OP posts:
somanyresusablebags · 25/08/2019 18:36

My 16 year old is a grumpy holiday companion. Last year in Spain he was a mood hover with all his gloom. This year we let the 14 and 16 year old join in when they wanted and allowed them to stay in he cottage on phones with no guilt trips. It was a massive success, they said it was a great holiday and my 14 year old has been surprisingly pleasant ever since. Teenagers are odd - I think you should enjoy DSS as he'll let you until this moody phase passes. Fighting the gloomimess does not work.

tolerable · 25/08/2019 18:36

you/his dad could try speaking to him..tell him you feel you mighta fucked up a bit by allowing the family dynamic to settle the way it has..presumeably thought teen\younger kids no much shared interest/he was gaming etc but youve realised you are ALL missing out on his company.especially noticeable during holidays.stress this isnt just a holiday.its special "family time".for everybody-including him...and you wanna start now..its a bit shit you have a couple of kids that arent getting the joy of their big brother.my 2 are 14 yrs apart. the oldests just finished uni,had wee one up there for "boys night"since began..(shares flat with bestmate-who also calls wee one regularly for a chat actually).hes missing out.you all are

Lovemusic33 · 25/08/2019 18:40

I have a 15 year old who doesn’t enjoy going away, I give her the option to stay at her dads but she decides to come and be miserable, I have got to the point where I just let her get on with it, it’s not worth making a fuss, if she wants to join in she can, if she doesn’t then that’s fine too.

If he wants to go then let him but he or his dad can pay.

Original poster
IfeelguiltyIdo · 25/08/2019 18:47

tolerable, I like that suggestion. He is home now from uni and the interaction with everyone is much better so it might not be as bad as I fear it might be.

To all my those who assume I resent him or don’t see him as family, this is not true at all. He is my children’s big brother and very much part of the family. When he was younger I was the one arranging days out for him (well us) and arranging play dates with school friends or ferrying him to various activities. His dad did some of the ferrying too.

OP posts:
ddl1 · 25/08/2019 18:48

I would let him come - after all, he's part of the family, and it would not be fair to punish him forever because he showed typical teenage behaviour as a younger teenager. At 19, he can go and do touristy things on his own, surely? I think you do need to make it clear in advance that you are going to catch up with family, which may not be very exciting for him; that you and dh will not have time to be tourists, so if he wishes to be a tourist, he will have to rely on himself and on local facilities, not on the family.

EileenAlanna · 25/08/2019 18:49

You say that he's very excited about the prospect of going to the country, certainly sounds like he's out grown most of the moody teenage phase.
You & your own DC will probably be very involved with your sibling, other relatives & their equally young children so is there any reason why DSS & his father can't spend a lot of their time together exploring etc? Does your DH speak the language? Even if he doesn't they're going to have a brilliant time figuring it all out together as father & son. It sounds from your posts that that's been very lacking for them both, 1 on 1 time instead of always as plus 1 to the second family.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 25/08/2019 18:49

the fact that he wants to come shows he's a bit lonely or at a loose end and maybe not yet mature enough to figure out a whole summer by himself. (despite hitting the magic age of 18, according to which by MN standards you should boot your kids out and never help them or be nice to them again as they are a.d.u.l.t.s.)

His behaviour to me sounds not abnormal for a teen.

It sounds like you think you finally have a legal reason to exclude him, like you have wanted all along.

poor kid.

or poor "grown up"

aweedropofsancerre · 25/08/2019 18:49

My DH and I paid for my DS his DSS, hotel and travel costs to go to a family party for a big birthday. Doesnt matter if he is your bio or not he is part of your family and it is a wedding I would hope he is invited to. So why wouldn't his father want to assist his own DS in attending? As for him assuming its a holiday that just requires some clear communication but I cant see why his own father and he couldn't go off for a day with him sight seeing while you and the younger DC hang out? My eldest is not my OH and his family have been nothing but loving and caring and treat him exactly the same as his siblings as does my OH. He would not be excluded from a wedding because he happens to be a typical teenager

bluebeck · 25/08/2019 18:50

I found it weird for a 15/16 year old to behave like this.

Really? Why? It's totally normal teenage behaviour, as you will discover when your own DC reach that age.

It sounds like you just don't like him and think of him as lesser than your own DC. At 19, he should be able to cope anywhere in the world that is open to tourists, regardless of whether he speaks the local language or not.

Let him come but explain that for the most part he will have to arrange his own trips/entertainment.

Original poster
IfeelguiltyIdo · 25/08/2019 18:50

By (well us) I mean his dad came too. This was before his siblings were born.

OP posts:
aweedropofsancerre · 25/08/2019 18:50

I should have added my DS was 20 at the time and also attending university

SolitudeAtAltitude · 25/08/2019 18:51

let him come, he can explore a bit with dad whilst you catch up with family.

Aprillygirl · 25/08/2019 18:56

Your DSS sounds like a normal teenager to me. As long as he wasn't moaning on that he was bored on your last holiday with him, I don't quite understand why you're so upset with him to be honest. You've known him for a long time, so why can't you or his dad just tell him that he is welcome to come along but he will probably be bored as you will be spending all your time chilling with your family. Though why his dad couldn't go with him to see the sights I do not know.

HangryPants · 25/08/2019 18:56

Yes, his dad could take on more of holiday planning but that’s for another thread

If that was in reply to me, I didn’t mean where was his dad in the holiday-planning. I meant where the heck is his dad in managing his kids’ and their relationships to each other and to the family!