To stop my partner from watching porn?

[littlepeaegg]

I know there are threads on SO watching porn etc... but I just need some advice please.

I've been with my partner for 3 1/2 years now. We had a rocky start due to my anxieties but we are great now!

Today I asked if I could have a google on his iPad, and when I opened it up his history was open on the left hand side.

Well, he'd been looking at all sorts of porn! This was when he was away for work last weekend.

Bit of a back story; I've previously asked him if he watched porn and he said it wasn't his thing.

My sex drive is quite low due to meds at the moment, but I have communicated with him regarding this. He said it's absolutely fine.

So I guess I was a bit shocked, firstly that he's lied, which he said was because he was too embarrassed to tell me. And just the fact he watches it really!

I know it's considered 'normal'. I get that. But I just feel really shit and inadequate as a partner!!

How do you feel about this? Is it my insecurities creeping up on me again, that's why I'm upset?

And is it reasonable to ask him to not look at it or will that be too controlling.

He stated that what he does in his private time is up to him, and that it doesn't hurt me etc.

I just thought he might want to fantasise about me haha!

I've gone out for a drive to clear my mind as I'm due to go away for two weeks tomorrow and I really don't want to argue with him before I go!

Am I just being anxious? Any advice welcome. Thank you!

Some women don't even realise they have been manipulated to believe porn is ok and even healthy for them.
The fact young girls are being coerced and bullied into accepting porn by their young boyfriends should matter to them.
Don't think just because you may tell your young daughter she doesn't have to accept anything she doesn't like that she can't be bullied or coerced when she believes she is ' in love'

So- all the people on here who make good ethical choices about their porn in the same way that they do about their clothes, pesticides and meat. Could you explain how you do it?

Make it, share it, only watch "scene" stuff, amateur productions mostly

I don't watch mainstream porn that is representative of what I actually (particularly) enjoy in the bedroom as the chances of it not being exploitative is low or impossible. tbh I don't watch much mainstream porn

Well we've all been there haven't we, with whining teenage boyfriends saying just try it go on pleeeeeese,

Or at least most of us have,

And the bucket list for teenage boys around sex these days is long and contains a lot of sex acts that are what you might call 'advanced'. Not the sort of thing that's going to be good when executed by inexperienced kids, one of whom is over eager and just wants 'a go' and the other of whom is half hearted at best.

In my day it was just blow jobs and doggy they wanted a go at, thank God.

That was answering limen

In my day it was just blow jobs and doggy they wanted a go at, thank God

In my day, boys didn't expect that until they were married

It's a fair point though

In one lifetime the expectations/ bucket has gone from blow jobs to strangulation, slapping and anal. And that's not a lifetime it's only 30 years. What will boys be demanding in 20 years? And it's porn driving this 100% , i boggle at anyone who says not, that's a whole new level of wilful blindness.

“In my day, boys didn't expect that until they were married ”

In my day they only expected that from their mistresses......

In my day, they were grateful for missionary position.

Nightie off on his birthday....

Only if it was 29 February.

@Fraggling

That's why I said people click on incest videos because they like the preview video, not necessarily because they have an incewt fantasy.

On tube sites, you can get multiple versions of the same video uploaded with different titles, like when people repost on social media. It's just a caption after all - if they like what they see, they click. Doesn't mean everyone loves incest.

Again, some people do have those Fantasies but I'm just explaining what tube sites are like.

It kind of does show that a not inconsiderable amount of men who use these sites have an inserest in incest. Or at least are ok with it and have no issues with content labeled as such.

They should though shouldn't they. 30 years ago they would have. This is normalisation.

The content and porn descriptions contain racism, gross misogyny and refer to illegal, unforgivable crimes. This would not be countenanced in any other industry.

Yet when it's about porn, its all OK. Incest porn is most popular category. You don't get there by being a casual Additional tag. It's a popular genre in and of itself.

How did we get here and why are so many people not fussed, including lots of women who say what's the problem I love it, it's all great.

My thoughts exactly fraggling

How did we get here and why are so many people not fussed, including lots of women who say what's the problem I love it, it's all great.

So incest is used as a form of click-bait then? That's the explanation which makes it a palatable choice in your world?

Sometimes I think I am in an alternate universe. I have just been trying to find something on online about siblings , quite innocent. A site comes up which justifies having sex with your sister as long as you wear a condom. I actually couldn't believe what I was reading. Beam me up Scottie!

I definitely don't think it's palatable, I wouldn't want my family member being turned on by me.

I'm just explaining how it works as incest videos seem increasingly popular.

Most aren't real incest, yes some people like to pretend they are as it's taboo, and so a turn-on. People click on videos they are turned on by, not just he titles.

In no way am I advocating for incest just putting things out there to think about.

Why though would someone be turned on by incest? Would you want to have sex with someone who gets turned on by incest? Especially if you have children with him? I wouldn’t.

'Most aren't real incest'

!!!!!

I like the attempts to think of ways to explain why this isn't nearly as awful as it seems, but tbh, the most likely explanation is that there's so much of it because people (men) like it and watch it.

Back when Harry Potter was massive, I was aware of a lot of Weasley brothers twincest slash fan-fiction written by women. Never got it myself but it was really popular. People get turned on by taboo subjects and I’ve read that people go watch porn go for more and more extreme videos because the “vanilla” (normal) stuff stops doing it for them. I’m not sure it means they want to shag their sister or mother though. Similarly, I’d doubt most women who enjoyed 50 Shades of Grey really wanted to experiment with S&M. It’s gross but I’m not sure it means anything, provided it’s consenting adults faking it (as opposed to images of child sexual abuse).

No I think there is a HUGE difference between bondage and incest.

One is preference. The other is power and abuse.

Taboo my arse do people get tuned on by cruelty?

BTW, I’m not saying it’s ok that this stuff is available. It’s horrific how mainstream things like that have become. Just saying it doesn’t mean loads of men want to be incestuous.

Written material is very different to material where real people are involved.

This is always brought up isn't it.

Like how the fact that some women fantasise about being raped in their heads, justifies men watching real people enact rape, some of which are not enacted.

And on and on, never any fresh arguments.

I’m not saying they’re the same thing. I’m saying people get turned on by stuff they don’t actually want to do themselves. There’s studies on it - especially on how men who watch porn find they need/want more and more extreme porn to get turned on.

Main porn sites a few years ago announced they would no longer host material that appeared to show rape.

Everyone said wow that's big of you well done.

It's a fucked up toxic industry.