To stop my partner from watching porn?

[littlepeaegg]

I know there are threads on SO watching porn etc... but I just need some advice please.

I've been with my partner for 3 1/2 years now. We had a rocky start due to my anxieties but we are great now!

Today I asked if I could have a google on his iPad, and when I opened it up his history was open on the left hand side.

Well, he'd been looking at all sorts of porn! This was when he was away for work last weekend.

Bit of a back story; I've previously asked him if he watched porn and he said it wasn't his thing.

My sex drive is quite low due to meds at the moment, but I have communicated with him regarding this. He said it's absolutely fine.

So I guess I was a bit shocked, firstly that he's lied, which he said was because he was too embarrassed to tell me. And just the fact he watches it really!

I know it's considered 'normal'. I get that. But I just feel really shit and inadequate as a partner!!

How do you feel about this? Is it my insecurities creeping up on me again, that's why I'm upset?

And is it reasonable to ask him to not look at it or will that be too controlling.

He stated that what he does in his private time is up to him, and that it doesn't hurt me etc.

I just thought he might want to fantasise about me haha!

I've gone out for a drive to clear my mind as I'm due to go away for two weeks tomorrow and I really don't want to argue with him before I go!

Am I just being anxious? Any advice welcome. Thank you!

So- all the people on here who make good ethical choices about their porn in the same way that they do about their clothes, pesticides and meat. Could you explain how you do it?

I don't use porn at all. There are ethical sites I believe, usually paid for, I remember reading about them.

@BertrandRussell
www.bustle.com/p/8-places-to-watch-ethical-porn-that-focuses-on-female-pleasure-according-to-a-feminist-pornographer-9108930

All of 30 sec search on Google. No need to thank me

So- all the people on here who make good ethical choices about their porn in the same way that they do about their clothes, pesticides and meat. Could you explain how you do it?

My point is people DONT do it.

You aren’t wrong, I think in our heart of hearts we know porn is wrong and explorative. As we know eating living animals is wrong, or using fossil fuels and buying cheap clothing in Primark is contributing to climate change and exploitation of humans.

But chicken tastes nice, using cars and planes is convenient, and going on a shopping spree feels nice.

It’s ok to have boundaries - a vegan may not want to date a meat eater - but you’ll get a negative response from people if you start telling people they shouldn’t eat meat bevause of cruelty and global warming, or to have less holidays or walk everywhere. Or to stop using porn too.

Exploitative, not explorative.

BlanderErrLusts, et al: Using moving pictures to aid in the pleasuring of oneself is entirely unnecessary, unless one gets off on being complicit in the horrors of degradation and violence intrinsic to porn.

#WeToo: Oh you’re so right Blander.

The Unenlightened Masses: Too busy getting off by any means possible, polymorphous perversity being a mere jumping off point.

Can the porn promoters please explain about incest becoming an increasingly sought after theme in porn? Why are you ignoring it? How would you explain it if your kids stumbled across it?

Oh it's just fantasy am I right?

Also, no problem with masturbation here, just not in the habit of thinking of my family members at the time...

@Andysbestadventure

Nanny0gg how many want to work in McDonalds or the chippy or want that as a career for their children?

Give over.
Nope.
If my kid said to me ' Mum, I've had two job offers, McDonald's or adult film, what shall I do?' I know which one I'd recommend

Not a proper comparison though, is it?

You can’t stop an adult doing anything.

If you don’t like porn that’s fine, just don’t watch it yourself.

I very occasionally watch porn, so does my boyfriend, occasionally we watch it together. It’s just one of those things some people like doing sometimes.

It doesn't mean ALL men watch it regularly. Especially not older men

You are a bit naive!....older men DO watch porn....Many because their partners have gone off sex or because they can't get erections easily.

Porn destroys marriages. You are not being unreasonable.

My granddaughter is almost 16. She told her mum most of the boys she knows watch porn. Her friends (and maybe her too,...although she didn't say) have been told they are frigid,....they are disgusting if they don't get rid of public hair and that they should give blow jobs to prove they love their boyfriend.
You may enjoy watching porn but don't kid yourselves it's harmless ffs!

*@HollysTeflonSeptum *
Can the porn promoters please explain about incest becoming an increasingly sought after theme in porn

I agree, there seems to be a lot of that about. But it doesn't mean everyone loves incest...
•uploaded put 'incest' or other attention-grabbing titles so more people click on their videos
•a viewer may click on the video because they like it and not because of the incest itself (you can see a preview of the video and so they click as they like the video)
• most people know that the videos on tube sites aren't real incest most of the time

That's what I think, anyway. And some people who really do like it, do because it's a taboo thing. And since it's online, they can watch this fantasy in private if hat makes sense.

@Limensoda
This is exactly what i was talking about. This is just common knowledge amongst teenagers now If their mothers think porn is fine and their fathers are using it, where does that leave them? This applies to both boys and girls . It has become a normalised part of our culture. How do we ever turn back the clock to a time when sex was supposed to be about love and mutual pleasure? I feel so so sorry for girls growing up now, and boys too, because they are totally missing the point of a real connection. Sex has become a commodity, like everything else.
Self harm and depression are absolutely rampant among young girls now. Boys are also suffering from depression and the suicide rate amongst young men continues to rise.

These threads always go the same way

Every relationship has its own boundaries.

Every man watches porn

Porn is a horrible industry and your right to not want him to watch it

Ltb

a lot of women who enjoy being open and exhibitionist, really regret some of their lack of boundaries and harmful sexual behaviour they engaged in later on down the line.

Can the porn promoters please explain about incest becoming an increasingly sought after theme in porn? Why are you ignoring it? How would you explain it if your kids stumbled across it?

Perhaps they’re too busy thinking of the children to, you know, think of the children.

The damage it’s doing to young people’s sexuality is one of the most compelling arguments for me. Time was when a young guy thought all his birthdays had come at once with a warm naked body in his grasp, pubic hair and all.

You are entitled to your opinion. If you feel that his watching porn is not acceptable to you, then hold your head up high, have the courage of your convictions and simply say so. If he decides he does not respect that you have this opinion, then your relationship is not going to be a happy one.

It is an emotive issue, as it goes to the heart of intimacy on a relationship. If it makes you feel bad, then you are entitled to say so.

For me it is also about the people involved in the creation of the porn.I know I will get shouted down and told that they are happy to do it - but I have been a SW and know the levels of exploitation that are involved in the porn industry.

Stick to your guns - do not feel you are being "twee" or prudish. No-one on a chat site such as this can tell you what you should think - you feel what you feel and should stand by that.

And as for him lying about it - which he clearly did - this is evidence that he knew you would not like it and he wanted to just get on with it regardless of your feelings. That is not a sound basis for a long term relationship.

You are a bit naive!....older men DO watch porn....Many because their partners have gone off sex or because they can't get erections easily.

I never said that older men never watch porn.

What I meant was that this study was looking for men in their 20s who haven't been exposed to porn. It does not mean all men watch porn as posters have stated.

Plenty of men also grow up and realise the problems around porn and stop watching it. It can stop being such a turn on when you understand how many of the women you are wanking over are being exploited.

I’m not into child abuse or human trafficking . So I don’t watch porn and wouldn’t date a man who did.

@35lavenderandthyme

I agree. To many people sex is a selfish thing. They use others for their own sexual pleasure and building meaningful relationships becomes almost impossible.
The emotional damage caused to others is awful.
Still,....It's considered 'natural' isn't it? I think there is some confusion there....Sex is natural, sex as displayed in porn,....Not so much.
To dismiss someone's feelings or concerns about their husband watching porn is very sad.

By the way, I do not think you can stop your partner watching porn - he has his own life choices to make. But what you can do is to state your position on it unapologetically. "This is what I think and feel about it - we have to resolve this difference of view - if you feel that it is something you disagree with me about and will continue doing, then I do not see a happy future in this relationship."

Do not allow yourself to be inveigled into thinking there is something wrong with you for holding that view - that you are narrow-minded or prudish. You are totally entitled to that view; and if you think it will be a thorn in the side of your relationship, do not commit yourself to a lifetime of that.

It is obvious bollocks that every man in the whole world watches porn.

Even that in the whole country.

I can well believe that pretty much all men have seen it at some point. But then so have an awful lot of women.

'most people know that the videos on tube sites aren't real incest most of the time"

So some of them are real incest / rape of a (usually female) family member.

The other' reasons ' were pretty weak too.

If incest isn't popular then people wouldn't add it to tags to get clicks.

The films depict (although anyone can upload anything so no one really knows what they're watching) men fucking their daughters. Their step daughters. Etc

This is not seen any more as in any way questionable.

How is that not an issue, that it's the most or one of the most popular categories.

OK its only fantasy, hopefully, for most viewers.

Why are they fantasising about fucking their daughters? Or about other men fucking their kids?

YANBU

So many so called strong confident women on here who say porn is absolutely fine. It’s a lot of rubbish.

It’s the same line as prostitution. Would you be okay if he was going to a prostitute? Would anyone?

The why on earth would you be okay about the only person you have sex with, getting off on vulnerable women having to have sex with vulnerable men, being exploited by the huge, disgusting seedy porn industry?

If he had a hoard of pictures of Film stars which he wanted over. Fair enough. Can’t see much wrong with that tbh.

But porn? We should protect our fellow human beings and stop watching it.