AIBU to tell my OH’s parents to go and F themselves?

[WillowPeach]

Oh I am so tempted to, but in the spirit of being civil, I have this far refrained from doing so.

Back story, OH and I are getting married in 2 years. We’ve chosen a weekday because it’s £5000 cheaper and will be our 10 year anniversary so a very special date. Long story short, his parents fell out with us over it.

We’ve not spoken for almost 9 months. His Dad last week tapped him on the shoulder and asked if they could talk. Great, I thought, maybe we can finally move past all this. His Dad got upset and apologised for their behaviour.

So today I’ve just sent this to his Dad...

Hi ‘name’, I just wanted to say that I’m glad that you’ve spoken to ‘name’ at the match. I know we’re not there yet, but I hope in time we’ll all be able to put this period behind us. Life is too short for all this falling out and it hangs like a heavy weight around the neck, I’m sure you and ‘name’ (MIL) feel the same. I know our wedding day is an odd one, but we’d really love it if you and ‘name’ would be able to join us to celebrate our special day and be a part of our bridal party. ‘Name’ (OH) and I very surprisingly happened across a suit which he loves enough to wear it on the big day so we went ahead and bought it as seasons will no doubt change and it will go out of stock. We’ve found another one in the same range but similar in style that we’d like the bridal party men to wear. So I’m just wondering if you’d like to celebrate with us and send over your typical suit sizing so we can pick them up in case the ranges change. Hope you’re doing ok. We miss you both xx

He sent this back...

I've put on weight since I got my last suit. Where are you getting it from and do they measure you.

So I said...

‘Name’ (OH) has bought one that is a little snug as he intends to lose a little weight. The brand is Marc Darcy bought from Lambretta in the ‘Location’. They’d measure you if you asked I’m sure x

He said...

Ok cheers. What colour.

So I sent him a picture of it that is taken yesterday

He replies...

I'd have to go down and get measured.

I replied...

Ok no problem x

Nothing else at all from him. I’m getting vibes that it’s an inconvenience, he’s not that fussed that and honestly I’m a bit peeved that I feel like I wore my heart on my sleeve and he totally pied it.

So I said...

Am I being presumptuous in saying that it’s likely you’ll come? X

ARRRGH it’s like drawing blood from a stone. I respected that he’d reached out to my OH at the football game so I thought he’d appreciate me reaching back out to him (FWIW I didn’t have any cross words with him when the issue happened, it was my OH that did). Am I being paranoid or is he giving the impression that he doesn’t want to be there? I don’t get it, it’s his only son getting married, we’ve not asked them for a penny, we only wanted them to be happy for us and celebrate our day. But I feel like it’s just been a complete inconvenience for them just because of the day of the week. Thoughts please, I feel very frustrated and sad

He read that last message over an hour ago and still not responded. I can get the hint but it’s no less hurtful.

It was a bit weird to go into all that detail about the suit in your first message. I think you should have kept it more general and said something about hoping that you can work things out and get along together in future. Then I would leave it to your oh to sort out but maybe suggest he might like to arrange some kind of meet up.

Being passionate about your child means that you have a quiet word if you see them making bad decisions, not cheering them on as they make those mistakes.

What his parents earn is none of your business whatsoever...and the holidays may be already booked, or your insistence on midweek means that taking annual leave is difficult for them, unless you know how their workplace organises this. I normally have my life planned six months in advance, but not two years...and life gets in the way of long range planning like that.

YABU and as Vraphista and others have said, you are not listening.

Regardless of how it came across, I had good intentions

You’re good intentions are not genuine op, you come across as very controlling.
You need to take a step back and let your dp deal with his parents & for god sake let your fil pick his own suit!!

Your fil has offered the olive branch,responded nicely to your texts and you are heading such an abusive heading on a social media page?
Poor man.
Take a step back,stop pushing.

OP you are a team but that doesn’t mean you need to be so involved. My DH often has issues with his dad. My role is to be here when he needs to rant, support him and generally let him sort it. I don’t need to go barging in making things worse just because we are a team.

It seems the issues here stem from the wedding so going in all guns blazing pestering him about the wedding isn’t the best idea.

But I do agree that the wedding should suit the people getting married as nobody else is really that fussed. Pick the date you want etc but don’t be offended if people can’t make it.

You all sound like nightmares on stilts. Not speaking to people and getting measured for colourful matching suits you aren’t going to wear for 2 years and special meaningful dates and, frankly, batshit text messages. You all sound A - bonkers and B - in want of a hobby. Perhaps tailoring?

I would also like to see a picture of the suit that could potentially undo the latest effort of reconciliation.

I hope its lovely, and yes I am nosey!

V much doubt OP will return and start listening.

When you say 10 year anniversary what do you actually mean? From when you first met? First date? First kiss? First fuck?

My point is that whilst your '10 year anniversary' is a meaningful and appropriate private celebration for you & DP ... it's possible it isn't quite as appropriate to insist everyone takes a day off work to celebrate with you 10 years after you DTD! 🤣

?..

Of course it’s £5000 cheaper, I doubt anyone wants to go to a wedding on a Wednesday.

Christ it's two years away they've just extended the Olive Branch and you're jumping in with suits and taking about measurements let the dust settle first

And maybe let dp lead the conversations on his suit

What they all said.
Does it even matter what suit he wears? The men in our wedding party all wore different things. Grey morning suits, black morning suits and kilts. It was a right bloody mess!

Starting bridzillering 2 years in advance? Sounds EXHAUSTING!

I'm willing to bet the renting issue and the wedding issue are connected. Something along the lines of OP wasting their DS's money, living beyond her means type of thing.

Wednesday is the worst day for a wedding - right in the middle of the week so generally people need to take at least 3 days annual leave to travel & organise, wedding & recover/go home. Surely a Monday or Friday would still be cheaper.

Unusual to rent if there's a chance you could buy. Is it because you like the rental property better?

I’m not sure what you wanted him to do re suit measuring. Is he meant to be doing cart wheels or something? Yes it’s his sons wedding which I’m
Sure he will
Be excited about nearer the time.
But fgs it’s only getting measured for a suit!

As menyioned your good intentions weren't genuine. You sent a particular type of message fishing for a particular type of response. Your fil isn't a mind reader. He's also unlikely to be over emotional and expressive. So you need to lower your expectations of him.

His replies were perfectly fine. Your question of should you tell them to go f themselves says a lot about your true attitude to them. Maybe you didn't really mean all you said in your (insincere) first message to him.

Leave things be now. You're not going to get the flowery response you're looking for.

OP did explain their reasons for renting. It was early in their relationship, so I think that was pretty sensible. You don't want to get tied into a mortgage with someone early in the relationship, as it might not work out.

It's usually advised to do that first if you haven't live together before.

@Motoko but that was six years ago and now they're getting married! So why not buy now?

I’m bored of this thread now because

A) you’re making assumptions
B) you’re way off the mark with those
C) too many people talking about things that I don’t feel the need to discuss

This thread isn’t about our decision to rent over buying. It isn’t about why we are having a weekday wedding. It’s not about how we are funding it. It’s not about why the wedding is being planned 2 years prior. It’s not about why we’ve decided to buy the suits. It’s not about the suits fucking matching, it’s about them not having an excuse to say that I’ve excluded them again.

For those saying I’m not listening, I am. I’ve acknowledged that maybe it wasn’t the best idea but it had good intentions underpinning it. I can’t take it back but I can acknowledge that maybe I could of done things differently. Not sure what else I can say really.

And for the poster saying that I probably spend his money and lead him into bad decision. Please shut up, you’re making wild assumptions that are completely wrong. We make decisions together and if we disagree, we compromise and meet halfway. I earn approx £10k more than him (not that it matters) so no, I don’t take advantage of him by bleeding his wallet dry.

For those saying it’s none of my business what they use annual leave for or how much they earn. You’re right, it’s not. But in the same sense it’s our right to choose what day we want the wedding to be. Spending an extra £5k to have a Saturday is irresponsible. We aren’t summoning people, it’s an invitation which they can decline if they wish to. Anyways, I’ve already explained this multiple times so I’m not going to again.

FWIW, what i’m actually upset about is that I feel like I let my guard down to try and build bridges and it wasn’t acknowledged. Sure he responded about the suit, but really it would of been nice if him to say hello, nice to hear from you or something. I wasn’t expecting a grand gesture of emotion, but an acknowledgment of what I’d say would of been appreciate. I don’t think that that’s too much to ask at all.

Fair enough, overall I take it on board that it wasn’t the best time to mention the suit. Can’t take it back now though.

I'm willing to bet the renting issue and the wedding issue are connected. Something along the lines of OP wasting their DS's money, living beyond her means type of thing.

That thought crossed my mind, too. I could almost hear someone saying"Look, son, do you really think it's sensible to spend all that money on just one day when it would go a good way towards the deposit on a house?" In fact, I'd say it myself!

Perhaps OP though your PIL have good intentions behind what they are saying re buying/ a midweek wedding needing people to take 2 days off in the week etc

And building bridges should never be done over text like that

I don’t think you have taken on board or listened to anyone and the fact you say you are bored speaks volumes

@sounfairso because renting suits them for now? Because they're spending on the wedding, and will start saving once it's over? Because the children are settled in school, but house prices in their area are higher than they can afford?

It's quite easy to think of reasons why they're still renting.

I had a Wednesday wedding, nothing wrong with that, people I loved still came.

You are so incredibly self-centred op it’s actually unreal. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a poster who is more selfish actually.

I think your PIL have cottoned on and they are rightfully warning their son away from you, I certainly would be if it was my child.