AIBU to tell my OH’s parents to go and F themselves?

[WillowPeach]

Oh I am so tempted to, but in the spirit of being civil, I have this far refrained from doing so.

Back story, OH and I are getting married in 2 years. We’ve chosen a weekday because it’s £5000 cheaper and will be our 10 year anniversary so a very special date. Long story short, his parents fell out with us over it.

We’ve not spoken for almost 9 months. His Dad last week tapped him on the shoulder and asked if they could talk. Great, I thought, maybe we can finally move past all this. His Dad got upset and apologised for their behaviour.

So today I’ve just sent this to his Dad...

Hi ‘name’, I just wanted to say that I’m glad that you’ve spoken to ‘name’ at the match. I know we’re not there yet, but I hope in time we’ll all be able to put this period behind us. Life is too short for all this falling out and it hangs like a heavy weight around the neck, I’m sure you and ‘name’ (MIL) feel the same. I know our wedding day is an odd one, but we’d really love it if you and ‘name’ would be able to join us to celebrate our special day and be a part of our bridal party. ‘Name’ (OH) and I very surprisingly happened across a suit which he loves enough to wear it on the big day so we went ahead and bought it as seasons will no doubt change and it will go out of stock. We’ve found another one in the same range but similar in style that we’d like the bridal party men to wear. So I’m just wondering if you’d like to celebrate with us and send over your typical suit sizing so we can pick them up in case the ranges change. Hope you’re doing ok. We miss you both xx

He sent this back...

I've put on weight since I got my last suit. Where are you getting it from and do they measure you.

So I said...

‘Name’ (OH) has bought one that is a little snug as he intends to lose a little weight. The brand is Marc Darcy bought from Lambretta in the ‘Location’. They’d measure you if you asked I’m sure x

He said...

Ok cheers. What colour.

So I sent him a picture of it that is taken yesterday

He replies...

I'd have to go down and get measured.

I replied...

Ok no problem x

Nothing else at all from him. I’m getting vibes that it’s an inconvenience, he’s not that fussed that and honestly I’m a bit peeved that I feel like I wore my heart on my sleeve and he totally pied it.

So I said...

Am I being presumptuous in saying that it’s likely you’ll come? X

ARRRGH it’s like drawing blood from a stone. I respected that he’d reached out to my OH at the football game so I thought he’d appreciate me reaching back out to him (FWIW I didn’t have any cross words with him when the issue happened, it was my OH that did). Am I being paranoid or is he giving the impression that he doesn’t want to be there? I don’t get it, it’s his only son getting married, we’ve not asked them for a penny, we only wanted them to be happy for us and celebrate our day. But I feel like it’s just been a complete inconvenience for them just because of the day of the week. Thoughts please, I feel very frustrated and sad

He read that last message over an hour ago and still not responded. I can get the hint but it’s no less hurtful.

This will sound brutal but here goes. News flash they don't love you! I can see why you are hoping they will but honestly it sounds like you have unrealistic expectations.
And the suit/text stuff - sheesh! Back away and let DP deal with contact.
And don't spend £250 on an outfit he may or may not wear or may or may not fit in 2 years time!!

If you've been together 8 years and are now waiting until your 10th anniversary, they probably think it isn't going to happen and he'll be left with a hideous, 'notorious' suit!

I just can’t get my head around the matching suits. What a load of Instagram inspired tosh.

I’ve already explained some of the points but I’ll do so again.

I got involved because the fall out involved me as well. It has caused a lot over upset throughout the family because of the way they have treated us. Seeing as his Dad spoke to him at the match. I wanted to communicate with him also by essentially saying that I can forgive him for the way he has treated us and I thought an invite to our wedding would demonstrate how much he means to us. Historically they’ve both said that they feel left out of decisions/events and got angry over it, it’s caused a lot of resentment. I don’t want them to feel left out again.

For those commenting bridezilla blah blah blah, you couldn’t be more wrong. I want people to have fun and be comfortable. If they’re unable to make it cos it’s a weekday then fair enough I understand. It’s invitation, not a court summons and I’d rather have empty seats than people who didn’t want to be there.

However, I think if parents can’t be expected to make arrangements to attend their sons weekday wedding as one off, then I think that speaks volumes of how little they care. His parents bring in approx £5k per month between them, mortgage paid off etc. If they had to take a day or two unpaid then it wouldn’t leave them poverty stricken.

Also, the suits don’t HAVE to match. My OH will have one of his own and his own style. There is another suit which complements his which we thought his best men and father of the bride could wear. I don’t want him to feel left out if he’s the only one in an odd suit, he might care, he might not. But going by their behaviour in the past, he very well might do and I’d rather do what I can to make sure he feels included.

By asking if I was being presumptuous, I wasn’t trying to be pushy. I was sincerely wondering if I’d been jumping the gun in thinking he might even want to come.

Regardless of how it came across, I had good intentions and none of them surrounded me being ‘bridezilla’. I’m just trying to watch the pennies and get bargains where I can as we are funding their outfits.

Anyways, I’m stepping back from this thread seeing as some people can’t comment without being verbally abusive.

Thanks to all who have give sincere advice x

@Usingmyindoorvoice I thought it was just the done thing? All the weddings I’ve been to have been matching.

I don't know why some posters seem to be on the verge of poor bloking the guy when he fell out with his own child over his choice of wedding date, and his choice to rent rather than buy. He sounds like a control freak.

But I agree with the advice to pull back and let them make the moves from now on.

OP I think you need to do less 'explaining ' and more listening. You came on AIBU and asked, you should try to take on board peoples more objective viewpoints.
Step back from all suit / date / wedding details and focus on the big picture of your DPs family relations for now.
BTW am I one of the ones being 'offensive '?!

Has he ever been particularly verbose or is this out of character? I think that's the only way you can have more of a clue what he's feeling. So hard to tell by text anyway.

@tobedtoMNandfart I’m not sure, I’m referencing the ones who are swearing at me.

I am listening. I’m not daft, I know Mumsnet can be brutal, I can’t on here because I didn’t really know if I was in the wrong or not. I appreciate that fair enough maybe I’ve gone about things the wrong way but I always had good intentions.

It’s frustrating that a lot of this thread focuses on the bloody suits and why they are being bought so early. We didn’t go out in a bid to get them, we happened across them and really liked them, plus with a decent discount it seemed like a no brainer.

Pushing the suit topic to one side. What I’m actually upset about is me letting my guard down and talking about how happy I am he has been in touch with my OH and how much I’ve missed them etc. People seem to have completely missed that all of that was not acknowledged, not even a little bit. It’s not easy talking about feelings to my in-laws so now that I’ve done that and it’s not really been acknowledged, I feel a bit gutted that I opened myself up to them.

I’m showing my age here, but when did it become ‘ a thing’ for the wedding party to be matchy matchy ?
I’ve been to 50 or more weddings and aside from the bridesmaids wearing the same outfits, and the occasional kilted wedding I’ve only once seen the groom, and his father, and other close males all wear the same suits.
Do you want your MIL and mum match you I wonder?

AIBU to tell my OH’s parents to go and F themselves?

Seriously, the wedding is TWO YEARS away.

A lot can change between now and then; it's not exactly priority. Eighteen months is plenty time.

I think if you reread your OP you may see that you yourself skipped straight past the 'feelings' stuff and straight into a heavily detailed and oppressive series of texts about the suits. Personally it came across as far too OTT for first contact after 9mo NC. HTH.

Tbh you shouldn’t be doing any messaging. He’s not your FIL and whilst I know the argument involves you, you are shoehorning yourself into a situation that you need to take no part in. It’s up to your DH to be sort out with his own dad,

Take a massive step back, stop texting, ad let your fiancé speak to his own dad,

Maybe I am expecting too much. But the way his parents went on, didn’t just upset my OH. Their attitude and comments really hurt me too, so whilst his Dad may have tapped him on the shoulder and said sorry. He’s not actually apologised for the way they have treated me. So me contacting him as I have done today, was my way of saying I’m in a place that can forgive him for all of that. A small acknowledgement of this would have been appreciated but actually I just feel like only my OH’s feelings matter to him and not mine. That sounds petty but it’s not how I intent it to be.

I’d pull back, just because, whoever was at fault, it’s at a very fragile stage for your ILs and OH.

And also because even if it involved you, your OH and his parents need to lead the way in this.

Any misconstrued or slightly negative text could spark it all off again.

Take your FILs lead. He’s obviously only comfortable with short and practical.

Then, if you take care and don’t stir it up, then it might just be a lovely reconciliation at your wedding or before.

Are you buying all the groomsmen suits 2 years in advance?

I appreciate you are on a budget but probably better just putting the money away and seeing what bargains are available nearer the time.

At least they'll still fit if you buy them nearer the wedding date.

@tobedtoMNandfart

I can see what you’re saying. It does go into that. I suppose me mentioning that was my way of saying ‘I know you’ve made some bad decisions earlier in the year but if you’d like to, we’d love you to be part of our wedding party (or whatever term is appropriate) because we love you and you mean a great deal to us.

I think it's just because it's texts. My FIL is a lovely man but he sends the most brusque, curt texts you've ever read. See how it goes - don't make decisions from this alone.

Op it’s been a WEEK. Calm down. Seriously. Not talking for 9 months isn’t going to be repaired instantly, and is certainly not going to be helped by you sticking your oar in.

This is nothing to do with you at the moment. Back off, seriously. You don’t need an apology yet, your dh needs to fix his relationship with his dad without you frigging texting inane things and getting snotty about not being apologised to. Honestly, grow up,

Maybe I am expecting too much. But the way his parents went on, didn’t just upset my OH. Their attitude and comments really hurt me too, so whilst his Dad may have tapped him on the shoulder and said sorry. He’s not actually apologised for the way they have treated me. So me contacting him as I have done today, was my way of saying I’m in a place that can forgive him for all of that. A small acknowledgement of this would have been appreciated but actually I just feel like only my OH’s feelings matter to him and not mine. That sounds petty but it’s not how I intent it to be.

The tap on the shoulder was last week, why didn't you invite them for a coffee instead of the first contact being about the thing hat caused the issue?

Sorry but you should've ironed out differences, said how you felt without talking about tones of bloody suits.

Again you should massively bridezilla.

Yes sorry but I do think that what you THINK you communicated is not what came across. As PP have said leave it to DH and hope for more later.

Does your DP know you’ve been texting his dad? I’d be bloody furious if I was tentatively getting a relationship back on track with my parents and my OH was texting them being so intense and needy.

You might think that it’s your business because you’re a team, and you have been affected etc. But it’s massively inappropriate to be so demanding and emotionally intense with your DP’s parents. Especially when they’ve only got back in touch last week.

Ignoring the fact that your opener with them is talking about suits for the wedding, when you fell out about the wedding. You’re just wildly inappropriate on so many levels. I wouldn’t be surprised if part of the fall out was them not wanting their son to marry you. You do sound like hard work.

And bridezillas are never unreasonable in their own eyes! But r DP’s estranged dad for a suit he may need in 2 years time, is comfortably in Bridezilla territory.

What day of the week is the wedding & who is paying for the suits?

*pestering DP’s estranged dad

So you fell out over the wedding, you haven't spoken for 9 months and the first time you contact him is an overemotional text which then descends into pushy chat about getting his suit sorted for said wedding? Yeah, from his perspective that was a really odd thing for you to do.