AIBU to tell my OH’s parents to go and F themselves?

[WillowPeach]

Oh I am so tempted to, but in the spirit of being civil, I have this far refrained from doing so.

Back story, OH and I are getting married in 2 years. We’ve chosen a weekday because it’s £5000 cheaper and will be our 10 year anniversary so a very special date. Long story short, his parents fell out with us over it.

We’ve not spoken for almost 9 months. His Dad last week tapped him on the shoulder and asked if they could talk. Great, I thought, maybe we can finally move past all this. His Dad got upset and apologised for their behaviour.

So today I’ve just sent this to his Dad...

Hi ‘name’, I just wanted to say that I’m glad that you’ve spoken to ‘name’ at the match. I know we’re not there yet, but I hope in time we’ll all be able to put this period behind us. Life is too short for all this falling out and it hangs like a heavy weight around the neck, I’m sure you and ‘name’ (MIL) feel the same. I know our wedding day is an odd one, but we’d really love it if you and ‘name’ would be able to join us to celebrate our special day and be a part of our bridal party. ‘Name’ (OH) and I very surprisingly happened across a suit which he loves enough to wear it on the big day so we went ahead and bought it as seasons will no doubt change and it will go out of stock. We’ve found another one in the same range but similar in style that we’d like the bridal party men to wear. So I’m just wondering if you’d like to celebrate with us and send over your typical suit sizing so we can pick them up in case the ranges change. Hope you’re doing ok. We miss you both xx

He sent this back...

I've put on weight since I got my last suit. Where are you getting it from and do they measure you.

So I said...

‘Name’ (OH) has bought one that is a little snug as he intends to lose a little weight. The brand is Marc Darcy bought from Lambretta in the ‘Location’. They’d measure you if you asked I’m sure x

He said...

Ok cheers. What colour.

So I sent him a picture of it that is taken yesterday

He replies...

I'd have to go down and get measured.

I replied...

Ok no problem x

Nothing else at all from him. I’m getting vibes that it’s an inconvenience, he’s not that fussed that and honestly I’m a bit peeved that I feel like I wore my heart on my sleeve and he totally pied it.

So I said...

Am I being presumptuous in saying that it’s likely you’ll come? X

ARRRGH it’s like drawing blood from a stone. I respected that he’d reached out to my OH at the football game so I thought he’d appreciate me reaching back out to him (FWIW I didn’t have any cross words with him when the issue happened, it was my OH that did). Am I being paranoid or is he giving the impression that he doesn’t want to be there? I don’t get it, it’s his only son getting married, we’ve not asked them for a penny, we only wanted them to be happy for us and celebrate our day. But I feel like it’s just been a complete inconvenience for them just because of the day of the week. Thoughts please, I feel very frustrated and sad

He read that last message over an hour ago and still not responded. I can get the hint but it’s no less hurtful.

If you're planning on getting married, the in-laws have a point about rent being wasted money at this stage.

I know it's a personal choice, but I'd always prioritise spending more money so that the wedding can be at the weekend which is much more convenient to guests, over matching suits which only the bridal party really care about, but hey at least you're paying for them and not expecting your wedding party to do it still bitter about DNs wedding.

I'd imagine your ILs are biting their tongues about that one, as your FIL has agreed to go I'd take a huge step back for now.

Genuine question - why did you post if you're so utterly convinced you're in the right?

I'm also being genuine, and not snarky, in saying I do think you'll actually end up happier if you actually take the MN opinion of YABU, and lots of advice offered, on board.

You're going to cause arguments and drive people away and your wedding is going to cause so much stress if you're like this, instead of being the happy occasion it should be.

Oh I hate fluffy text messages if that was genuine you should have phoned him or better still gone to see him!
Step back stop vomiting emotion in text messages it’s nauseating for the receiver especially as the relationship hasn’t been positive.

And sorry I also have to say......
The wedding is in 2 years!!!!!
Bizarre message to ask him his sizing.
And the suits don’t have to be matching for god sake let people choose their own suits!

They were always welcome at our wedding, but it was always an inconvenience

In fairness a Wednesday wedding is a total inconvenience - at very best they’ll need to take Wednesday and Thursday off, which cuts right into the working week and doesn’t join up to a weekend. If you plan a right in the middle of the week wedding you should expect folk to complain about the inconvenience -and not attend-

And I speak as someone who doesn't have contact with my in-laws for reasons that I won't go into for DH's privacy. They also really really don't like me. DH and I have been together over 25 years, it's a very sad situation, not the blithe "go NC with them" trotted out on MN like it's the easiest thing in the world.

It's a situation I would never want to add more drama too. My role here is to recognise they are my DH's parents and he is the one primarily affected by this and I want to support him.

You don't do this by causing more stress to all parties concerned. This isn't about you - you've already contacted his parents in a passive aggressive way causing drama. You're posting about this (very identifiably) on MN and yet you're not listening to anything anyone says.

If you want a happy marriage, which is more important than a wedding, you need to stop fanning this fire over things which are trivial.

(Also If they genuinely have been shit parents, DH will realise in time (especially if you have DC) and it will be hard for him. Much harder than you worrying about suits to be worn in two years time).

To be fair to the OP it does seem like the parents are overstepping - making them an appointment with a mortgage adviser? They are adults who have chosen to rent so let them be.

OP the wedding is two years away and you're texting your potential FIL about suit sizing. He is probably quite bemused that you've jumped on this immediately the communication channels have tentatively reopened, but he's replied politely saying he'll get measured - sorted. Presumably he doesn't see any rush. And then you've sent him ANOTHER message. Just leave him be to sort things out with his son and worry about the wedding in about eighteen months or so.

Given how delicate the situation is at the moment I really don't think faffing around with suits was the best move really. Stop putting kisses at the end of your texts when he has set the tone, you are coming across very try hard. You should have left it for your partner to sort, he's the relation, he's the one he reached out too, if you've got a reputation for domineering the wedding this won't help, surely suits is a groom thing to sort? Sorry but I think you've played this all wrong given the situation.

It sounds like you are both trying too hard for approval with people who are never going to give it. Sometimes we all just have to accept that some relationships, regardless of who they are with just don’t work the way we would like. If your OH’s parents have been disapproving through your whole relationship were they like this with your OH whilst he was growing up/prior to you?

For your own sanity I think I would try to invest more time in alternative relationships which will be fulfilling and just accept you are going to be criticised by them whatever you do. The more you invest in them, the worse the rejection feels. I would consider this to be a parenting fail in them, just make sure you don’t make the same mistakes when you have kids of your own.

In this particular incident (Re the suits) it might be worth pointing out to them that the only reason you asked was so they felt included as it’s something you have been criticised for in the past. Not everyone understands inference and just because that was what you wanted them to get from the message, doesn’t mean they understood that as you didn’t specifically mention it.

I see nothing wrong at all with the replies he gave, but you come across as demanding and very hard work.

The wedding is two years away. If I were one of your guests then like fuck would I even be thinking about my outfit that far in advance. If you then started badgering me about it I might even consider telling you that, actually, I now had a prior engagement and wouldn't be going at all.

You seem to be looking to make work and create problems where there really are none, or there needn't be unless you stir them up anyway.

Back off and chill out. In fact, if you care about family harmony at all you might be better to just cancel the wedding as it stands and elope.

Why the fuck does it have to be midweek? That anniversary is singularly meaningless to anyone other than you and your fiancé. Celebrate that privately yourselves if you want to with a bottle of wine. If I am honest, I can't even remember the date DH and I originally met, just that I was 19 and it was 34 years ago.

I still don’t understand why they feel out over the wedding being a weekday. Who actually said what?

If you are getting married mid week during g summer months it will inconvenience most people.
Where I used to work holidays were sorted as thus:
Everyone out in a request for 2 weeks holiday between May and the end of october.
After that was confirmed everyone could then sort out Christmas holidays.
After that everyone could mop up any days/weeks which were left.
So in reality if you are getting married in Wednesday 15th June, I would have to book the full TWO WEEKS off work!!!! Or rely on nobody else wanting those 2 weeks which would not be realistic.
This would prevent me from going on holiday for 2 weeks.
Mid week weddings are an inconvenience.
You sound like hard work.

Christ on a bike, if someone was hassling me about what I'm going to wear to their wedding in 2 years time, I'd be telling them to go fuck themselves.

I get that your wedding is a big deal to you, OP, but it's not at the centre of anyone else's universe.

My DF and Fil would have laughed at me if I’d mentioned two years ahead about an outfit for an event. As an adult I’m sure he can sort himself out with the appropriate outfit nearer the time. It’s a suit - not something to fall out over.

I didn't even realise the wedding is 2 years away, that's INSANE, why are you asking someone if they're coming to your wedding that's 2 years away? Just chill out, back off, let the dust settle, and worry about your wedding when it's actually coming up. Sorting suits 2 years in advance for a saving of £250 is ridiculous even before you throw a family upset into the mix.

I still want to know what was actually said. Surely it must have been pretty bad for a 9 month fallout?

Sounds like he was too proud to say anything about the fall out or about making up so his way of making peace was to respond positively to your suit messages. He said he’d go and get measured and was asking questions about the suit, that suggests he’s going.

But a ridiculous overreaction for them to not speak to you for 9 months over the date - was there not something else going on and this was the last straw?

Willow peach Graphista wasn’t shouting or screaming at you she was giving you good solid advice as where you in laws re renting and buying. It speaks volumes as to what might have happened with your in-laws if you can’t take the slightest bit of constructive advice without seeing it as people screaming at you

Also with the wedding organising it 3 years in advance in a weekday to save 5k when after 10 years it’s not needed and the money should have been saved

Also was it really just one argument that caused all of this. Families have differences in opinion it seems odd that this led to nc

I just saw the extra message about the renting/buying argument - so you’ve been renting somewhere for six years and haven’t managed to buy somewhere but are spending what sounds like a massive amount on a wedding (if you’re saving £5k just on the date!) - I can see how his parents may be concerned about where your priorities lie really.

Interesting that the fall-out happened while you were out of the room. Something that your PILs wanted to speak to their son about while you weren't there?

There would seem to be more to this than you're saying (or than you know). For your PILs to not speak to you for 9 months about a wedding date makes no sense. It's likely there's something else that they're upset about (words from your OH spoke in the heat of the moment?).

Normally when two otherwise reasonable people fall out, there's been miscommunication or upsets in both directions. No reasonable person thinks "I'm falling out with you because I'm being unreasonable!". Your FIL has decided that good relations are worth more than whatever the upset was. He's gone a step further and swallowed his pride to apologise for his role in the argument. It's probably worth you and OH doing the same.

OP, do you think there is the slightest possibility that your DP and/or yourself are in any way to blame for the fractured relationship?
I don't just mean the row, but also the cause of the row and the 9 month estrangement which FIL made the first move to end.
Hasn't this thread made you think that you two could perhaps reflect on your own roles in this? See things from another angle?

You sound really intense, and focused on your own needs. I think you need to step back a bit and let your OH handle things with his DP. Perhaps they have reservations about the marriage and not just the date of the wedding?

Is he allowed to visit them without you? If so let him see them to sort out the issues, even though you say the issues involve you and you're a team etc.

He's still their son and I think some women decide they are joined at hip in regards to family visits but sometimes it's nice to see them alone, especially when there's been problems.

Take a breath and let your oh sort it out.

At the hip*

YABU and you aren't listening.