AIBU to tell my OH’s parents to go and F themselves?

[WillowPeach]

Oh I am so tempted to, but in the spirit of being civil, I have this far refrained from doing so.

Back story, OH and I are getting married in 2 years. We’ve chosen a weekday because it’s £5000 cheaper and will be our 10 year anniversary so a very special date. Long story short, his parents fell out with us over it.

We’ve not spoken for almost 9 months. His Dad last week tapped him on the shoulder and asked if they could talk. Great, I thought, maybe we can finally move past all this. His Dad got upset and apologised for their behaviour.

So today I’ve just sent this to his Dad...

Hi ‘name’, I just wanted to say that I’m glad that you’ve spoken to ‘name’ at the match. I know we’re not there yet, but I hope in time we’ll all be able to put this period behind us. Life is too short for all this falling out and it hangs like a heavy weight around the neck, I’m sure you and ‘name’ (MIL) feel the same. I know our wedding day is an odd one, but we’d really love it if you and ‘name’ would be able to join us to celebrate our special day and be a part of our bridal party. ‘Name’ (OH) and I very surprisingly happened across a suit which he loves enough to wear it on the big day so we went ahead and bought it as seasons will no doubt change and it will go out of stock. We’ve found another one in the same range but similar in style that we’d like the bridal party men to wear. So I’m just wondering if you’d like to celebrate with us and send over your typical suit sizing so we can pick them up in case the ranges change. Hope you’re doing ok. We miss you both xx

He sent this back...

I've put on weight since I got my last suit. Where are you getting it from and do they measure you.

So I said...

‘Name’ (OH) has bought one that is a little snug as he intends to lose a little weight. The brand is Marc Darcy bought from Lambretta in the ‘Location’. They’d measure you if you asked I’m sure x

He said...

Ok cheers. What colour.

So I sent him a picture of it that is taken yesterday

He replies...

I'd have to go down and get measured.

I replied...

Ok no problem x

Nothing else at all from him. I’m getting vibes that it’s an inconvenience, he’s not that fussed that and honestly I’m a bit peeved that I feel like I wore my heart on my sleeve and he totally pied it.

So I said...

Am I being presumptuous in saying that it’s likely you’ll come? X

ARRRGH it’s like drawing blood from a stone. I respected that he’d reached out to my OH at the football game so I thought he’d appreciate me reaching back out to him (FWIW I didn’t have any cross words with him when the issue happened, it was my OH that did). Am I being paranoid or is he giving the impression that he doesn’t want to be there? I don’t get it, it’s his only son getting married, we’ve not asked them for a penny, we only wanted them to be happy for us and celebrate our day. But I feel like it’s just been a complete inconvenience for them just because of the day of the week. Thoughts please, I feel very frustrated and sad

He read that last message over an hour ago and still not responded. I can get the hint but it’s no less hurtful.

I think his replies are all positive. Don't over analyse. He may be thinking "let's take this one step at a time, wounds are healing, but if I say the wrong thing, or misunderstand what she's saying, I risk creating more bad feeling. I'd best keep things emotion free and to the point"

and is there any point getting fitted now for 2 years time? i know my weight changed drastically over 2 years

I have yet to meet an older man who sends long, effusive texts. His replies seem absolutely fine to me and he’s already spoken to your DP so I’m not really sure what the problem is now.

Yy gaz...

He has said he will go and get measured for a suit to wear. What more did you want?

Exactly. I would have left it at that. The ball is in their court.

cross post or just gmta!

‘It’s like getting blood from a stone’

It’s like YOU want blood.

They’ve made up. Chill. Last message was OTT.

Btw, is it bridal party or wedding party? (Serious question).

Maybe he’s gone out, had to finish something urgent, had a visitor turn up, anything! He’s not coming across as anything in that string of texts, just asking some questions and he may have to work out when/if he can get down to the shop.

He’s got two years to get another suit if this one doesn’t work out.

Oh I didn't notice it was in 2 years - that's crazy - sorry, leave him alone, you are harrassing him over a non issue.

Was the falling out because of getting married on a weekday? Or are you having an unusual wedding?

I’m just curious!

I wasn’t this involved with what my husband, the groom, wore. Haven’t a clue what my dad had on.

I’m not sure OP that getting this detail oriented about clothing when relations are just beginning to warm up again is wise.

Also, it’s ages away.

I don't think you should have contacted him at all, it's not for you to make arrangements he's your partners dad.
Do you not think enough damage has been done?

I think you've been too pushy

I can't see that he said anything wrong at all. He's getting measured for the suit. What more did you want?

Is there a big bit missing here OP? I don’t understand why someone would fall out with their only son because he was getting married during the week! What was the reason?

Ha Ha, Bridezilla in two years. I bet there's more to it than the choice of the day. I'm glad my dils are normal.

Or I may have fallen for a complete set of bullshit like I just did before

If you’d sent me those messages I would assume that the final one was rhetorical, based one the previous conversation, and therefore didn’t need a reply.

I'm not getting that he doesn't want to go, he sounds like he does to me. He's asked questions and sounds interested. Men don't do long texts, they are to the point.

I get that you want to get the suit now as like you say styles etc change, but he's prob thinking, jeeze it's 2 years away, I could be any size then.

If it were me, what I'd do now is not text him again about it, you've said enough, he's answered your questions and maybe get your partner to phone him and ask him if he like him to accompany him to the shop and try on the suit and get measured, maybe the Father is feeling a little overwhelmed, I know my dh gets in a state just going out to buy jocks !!! then they could get a drink and a catch up.

He said he would go get himself measured. It’s two years away! Just give it a break.

@AnneLovesGilbert I’m involved with it because OH and I are a team and I’m deeply appreciative that his Dad reached out to him to make amends. Regardless of how they have treated us in the past, I care very much for them and I think it’s reasonable to reciprocate his olive branch to his son with a one of my own.

@Aridane of course not. But they’ve caused a lot of upset over the past few months that has been felt across the wider family. It’s not easy making yourself vulnerable by talking about your feelings and to not have them at all acknowledged is quite hurtful. If the roles were reversed, I’d be grateful that my son and his future wife were being quite forgiving.

@ChicCroissant I’m not trying to hassle him, I’m trying to build bridges by offering the chance to be involved. A few years ago we had a similar fall out for several months because they were angry that we decided to rent a property rather than buy. Long story short they said they were angry and hurt that they felt excluded from our decision making process. I agree that buying suits this far out is typically impractical, but we happened across one by chance that suited my OH personality down to a t. Its just a case that there is a matching one in the same range that works lovely with it. Luckily the men in the bridal party don’t typically fluctuate with their build. The last thing I want to do is buy 3 suits for the bridal party and then not be able to get one down the line that matches for him. I don’t want them to feel excluded like they have done in the past.

Thank you all for your responses. I’m glad that there may be reason to believe I’m overthinking it. I probably am

The wedding is in 2 years. He said he will go get measured. this is a totally normal exchange and you sound like massively hard work.

Good on you for reaching out, that was a lovely message and I'm sure it was appreciated.

As for the replies, you've asked a man to go shopping and if he is like most men this is a subject they like to avoid lol leave the ball in his court and see how it plays out for now, especially since your OH is likely to bump into him again, leave it to him to ask about the details and reassess from there.

I'm interested to know why there has been a falling out over a date though, do they want a Saturday wedding to please the family invited? Even guests that are self employed will have enough notice to not book in a days work so it's not like people have to make last minute arrangements.

I would say sounds like he wants to be there and most likely will. He just can't completely swallow his pride and admit to being wrong to you both yet

@AnneLovesGilbert

I haven’t chosen his suit ha. We were out browsing the shops generally when we saw it in the window. It was his personality down to a T and he decided there and then that he wanted that one. It just happened to also be beside another in the same range in the shop.