AIBU to tell my OH’s parents to go and F themselves?

[WillowPeach]

Oh I am so tempted to, but in the spirit of being civil, I have this far refrained from doing so.

Back story, OH and I are getting married in 2 years. We’ve chosen a weekday because it’s £5000 cheaper and will be our 10 year anniversary so a very special date. Long story short, his parents fell out with us over it.

We’ve not spoken for almost 9 months. His Dad last week tapped him on the shoulder and asked if they could talk. Great, I thought, maybe we can finally move past all this. His Dad got upset and apologised for their behaviour.

So today I’ve just sent this to his Dad...

Hi ‘name’, I just wanted to say that I’m glad that you’ve spoken to ‘name’ at the match. I know we’re not there yet, but I hope in time we’ll all be able to put this period behind us. Life is too short for all this falling out and it hangs like a heavy weight around the neck, I’m sure you and ‘name’ (MIL) feel the same. I know our wedding day is an odd one, but we’d really love it if you and ‘name’ would be able to join us to celebrate our special day and be a part of our bridal party. ‘Name’ (OH) and I very surprisingly happened across a suit which he loves enough to wear it on the big day so we went ahead and bought it as seasons will no doubt change and it will go out of stock. We’ve found another one in the same range but similar in style that we’d like the bridal party men to wear. So I’m just wondering if you’d like to celebrate with us and send over your typical suit sizing so we can pick them up in case the ranges change. Hope you’re doing ok. We miss you both xx

He sent this back...

I've put on weight since I got my last suit. Where are you getting it from and do they measure you.

So I said...

‘Name’ (OH) has bought one that is a little snug as he intends to lose a little weight. The brand is Marc Darcy bought from Lambretta in the ‘Location’. They’d measure you if you asked I’m sure x

He said...

Ok cheers. What colour.

So I sent him a picture of it that is taken yesterday

He replies...

I'd have to go down and get measured.

I replied...

Ok no problem x

Nothing else at all from him. I’m getting vibes that it’s an inconvenience, he’s not that fussed that and honestly I’m a bit peeved that I feel like I wore my heart on my sleeve and he totally pied it.

So I said...

Am I being presumptuous in saying that it’s likely you’ll come? X

ARRRGH it’s like drawing blood from a stone. I respected that he’d reached out to my OH at the football game so I thought he’d appreciate me reaching back out to him (FWIW I didn’t have any cross words with him when the issue happened, it was my OH that did). Am I being paranoid or is he giving the impression that he doesn’t want to be there? I don’t get it, it’s his only son getting married, we’ve not asked them for a penny, we only wanted them to be happy for us and celebrate our day. But I feel like it’s just been a complete inconvenience for them just because of the day of the week. Thoughts please, I feel very frustrated and sad

He read that last message over an hour ago and still not responded. I can get the hint but it’s no less hurtful.

You sound like you think they are naughty children. Taken at face value, you should go minimal contact with them if they really throw their toys out over any decision in your life.

However, there are 2 sides to every story & they may have had reasons for their previous behaviour. The 'am I being presumptuous' text may have come across as stiff & stuffy. Also, you can't expect someone to open up purely in response to your message. Some people are less emotionally vocal. It doesn't mean they don't care.

@PinkCrayon yeah this

It’s your wedding. They need to learn to bite their tongues

I don’t understand why they fell out with you about the wedding being mid-week

What’s the full story there?

Op has probably been sending insane messages to them all and they couldn’t take it anymore

Good grief it's going to be a long two years!
Relax a bit, your relationship with pils doesn't depend on wedding arrangements, surely a fairly superficial issue with the suits. Perhaps think more about building bridges in a more general way rather than just focusing on a wedding date pretty far in the future

Honestly, having read the thread, you sound like a complete dramallama and I wouldn't be surprised if the IL have a completely different version of events.

The wedding is TWO years away, Just chill OP and stop being so pushy. Even your language in the first text was dramatic and self indulgent.

Is this the suit?

I think you’re being a bit full on to be honest.

For those commenting bridezilla blah blah blah, you couldn’t be more wrong. I want people to have fun and be comfortable. If they’re unable to make it cos it’s a weekday then fair enough I understand. It’s invitation, not a court summons and I’d rather have empty seats than people who didn’t want to be there

You keep banging on about this midweek thing. Why?

First contact to the pils and you go on about the wedding which you claim was the cause of the falling out, why? It's TWO years away. There are steps to repairing a relationship. Shut up about your wedding for the minute. It's one day and quite unimportant in the grand scheme of marriage. Let your bloke repair his relationship with his parents and take a step backw.

Wow! For starters where are you having the wedding? Is your saving £5k causing your guests to effectively pay instead in terms of accommodation and time off work?

Midweek weddings are a pita for most people.

If you're SAVING £5k by having it midweek that means you're SPENDING quite a lot of money on it. This is unnecessary and quite honestly as you clearly are not particularly hard up I think it's unreasonable of you to have a midweek wedding and pass the costs on to/inconvenience guests ESPECIALLY bad when it's close family you're inconveniencing/offending.

Yes it's your wedding BUT the well mannered, polite thing to do is to at least give SOME consideration to guests needs. I honestly despair at the "your wedding you do what the hell you like" bollocks!

Regarding your conversation with future fil ONE HOUR and you've taken umbrage at his not replying?! Wtf!! For a wedding not happenin for 2 bloody years! He could be eating, having a bath or even he might be working out perhaps in discussion with future mil when he'll be free to get measured?

You seriously need to

A chill! One hour is no time at all to not respond to a query

B start being more considerate of your fiancés family who are soon to be also YOUR family

C give serious consideration to rethinking this midweek wedding if it doesn't suit the guests you AND your fiancé most want to attend. You can't accommodate all guests needs but it's plain good manners to consider basic needs and to try and accommodate as far as possible those closest to you AND your fiancé.

D chill! Yes I'm repeating myself cos you REALLY need to. 2 years! If you're like this now you're gonna be murder to be around in the last 6 months before it! It's ONE day, it's important to you and fiancé and your close family but beyond that it's just a one day event.

You're going to (hopefully) be part of this family for decades, you need to be much more patient and thoughtful and stop expecting them to dance to your tune without being willing to compromise.

"His parents do work and they do work Monday-Friday job. As do my partner and I. However, the majority of our family and friends work shift patterns all over the place, it’s impossible to please everybody." You can't please everybody BUT you should try and accommodate the needs of those closest to you.

"I remember their specific point being “We won’t be able to go on our two two week holidays and mini breaks”. They were bothered about using annual leave and how it would affect their multiple holidays abroad." So they WOULD need to take what at least 2 annual leave days for your wedding from the sounds of things and that will likely apply to the majority of your guests too! That's selfish! You ARE passing on the costs and inconvenience you're avoiding to your guests. That's rude!

Quite honestly considering people naturally write with a bias to paint themselves in the most favourable light and those they're in dispute with less favourably and you are STILL coming across as v unreasonable I'm willing to bet even the fallouts where the future in laws were apparently unreasonable there's likely FAR more to it, eg I suspect they may be feeling op is pushing her fiancé into decisions that aren't in his best interests and which they know (as they know him, having raised him) he isn't happy about. You seem very determined to get "your way" on pretty much anything and the thread title I think belies your true attitude to these people. Even though you've basically tried to backpedal from op on.

Your life doesn't occur in a vacuum, neither does a marriage. You're gaining not only a husband but also a family, something people these days seem to want to deny? But that's not how it works.

Yes there are sometimes families who are genuinely abusive, argumentative etc but I (and it seems others from responses) am very much getting the impression that op is type to cause an argument in an empty house!! So I'm highly sceptical of the claims of future in laws being the ones behind all the arguments.

"I can forgive him for the way he has treated us and I thought an invite to our wedding would demonstrate how much he means to us"

ffs! You've really got tickets on yourself eh? It's not a bloody royal wedding! YOU haven't behaved well either, it takes more than one side to argue - have you apologised to anyone? Taken any responsibility for your part in all this?

"For those commenting bridezilla blah blah blah, you couldn’t be more wrong." Oh my god get OVER yourself!

Having guests who are friends or more distant relatives not attend is sad but no biggie - but you'd actually rather dig your heels in about a date nobody but you and fiancé give a shit about (from the anniversary perspective) that causes inconvenience and SIGNIFICANT extra costs to guests than have YOUR FIANCÉ'S PARENTS there? Wtf is wrong with you?!

THEY are more important than any date on a calendar! Your priorities are fucked up!

"then I think that speaks volumes of how little they care" and yet zero self awareness!

"His parents bring in approx £5k per month between them"

1 that's none of your bloody business

2 neither is what THEY spend THEIR money on.

"which we thought his best men" he's having more than one best man?!

"So me contacting him as I have done today, was my way of saying I’m in a place that can forgive him for all of that" oh how big and magnanimous of you! - where's your apology to them?

"my way of saying ‘I know you’ve made some bad decisions earlier in the year but if you’d like to, we’d love you to be part of our wedding party" the sheer level of arrogance is utterly breathtaking!

Seriously you need to chill, apologise, stop banging on about the damn wedding but also give serious thought to changing the date. It's meaningless to anyone but the 2 of you and a ridiculous reason for choosing an inconvenient and expensive setup for your GUESTS.

OP, you only opened up to your in-laws so you could bring up the wedding - the very subject you all fell out over. It's less than a week since he spoke to his son and you've brought up the topic that caused trouble last time.

No suggestion of meeting up, having a meal/drink - just straight on to 'my wedding'.

It would be very interesting to hear their side of this.

From his answers, he's a man of few words but is planning on going & will go get measured. You can't expect him to be as excited & invested as you. I don't get why a weekday was such a big problem tho, if people really love you & want to go a day off work shouldnt be a problem. .

Taking into account the nine months of non contact, you set this wedding date around three years in advance? I wouldn't give any thought or headspace to an event that far in the future. Ditto two years from now. I might start vaguely thinking about a few weeks ahead of time, if I had a particular role in it, but otherwise, I'd give it its due attention on the actual day and that's it.

This might be a special event in your life, and be all you (and OH) can think about, but I guarantee no one else gives a damn.

I would never consider an outfit two years in advance, let alone worry about getting fittings/the sizing right. Anything can happen in that time. My DH wouldn't be able to fit into a suit that he bought two years ago.

Your initial text to FIL was over the top, and way too intense for an initial conversation immediately after getting back in contact. You honestly should've let your OH deal with communication at first, and just eased your own way back in. FIL's responses were fine.

One thing I can tell you, is that if someone invited me to a weekday wedding, the answer would be 'no', regardless of how many years notice they gave.

What Graphista said.

Yep Graphista’s nailed it. Bob on.

Seeing as his Dad spoke to him at the match. I wanted to communicate with him also by essentially saying that I can forgive him for the way he has treated us and I thought an invite to our wedding would demonstrate how much he means to us.

This I don’t understand. I’d assume my partners parents had a standing invitation to our wedding unless there was a very good reason not to. Did your fall out 9 months ago involve you telling them they weren’t invited? If not why on earth would you even need to say they were invited, surely that would just be expected as a matter of course? They might decide to come or not - I think mailing that down 2 years in advance is more “stop the world, I’m getting married” than save the date. “Inviting” them to the wedding suggests that - from your point of view - they weren’t previously or might not have been welcome.

In all honesty, in those circumstances if I’d received your initial text I think I’d have been the one to say “Go and F yourself”. You think the way to express how much they mean to you is

a. To invite them to your wedding (and by doing so suggest there was a point that they weren’t invited)

b. Send him off on an errand for that wedding 2 years hence (do men in the wedding party not get some say in what they wear either?)

c. Get pissy when he doesn’t reply for over an hour when the text exchange had clearly already ended

Setting aside the fact that the wedding was the thing you originally fell out over, can you not see that this conveys the exact opposite of “you mean a lot to us”. Your wedding clearly means a lot to you but I can’t see one thing in your message which conveys care, concern or interest in your DPs parents, how they are or even what’s been happening with them in the last 9 months.

Relationships aren’t build at events like weddings, they’re built in the everyday, the chats and cups of tea, the favours offered and accepted, the consideration for their needs and yours and the agreements and disagreements. That you can’t see it from their side is enormously telling.

The way to show the mean so much to you would have been to invite them both for coffee, to chat about life stuff, to have one of those “I’ve really missed you and I’m sorry we fell out” conversations. No mention of the wedding unless they raised it and even then I’d be setting it aside given it was seemingly the source of the disagreement to begin with.

I have a relative who pulls this passive aggressive, childish shit all the time. Loves whipping up a text argument. It just washes over me or makes me laugh now. I hope it affects you less in time and good luck with the wedding. No real advice but hopefully you feel less alone.

I can't believe they after 9 months of silence, and after OH's father made that big step, you sent such a ridiculous message. If I was him my eyes would be rolling back into my head.

For the record, in case you haven't picked up on it so far DO NOT MENTION THE WEDDING ANY MORE.
Just work on rebuilding the relationship. That's what matters now. Not the wedding and certainly not a suit that won't be worn for two years.

@Derbee of course he knows. He told me last week that now he hasn’t spoken to his Dad, when I feel like doing the same, he’d support that. So I wrote out the first message and offered it to my OH to look over.

My family have been wonderful about everything - throughout our relationship. His parents have constantly had something to say or disagree with, for once I just want them to be passionate about their son and say yes we’ll be there, wouldn’t miss it for the world or something along those lines. I’m not asking for a novel.

The wedding is a Wednesday and we are paying for the suits. Truth be told I wasn’t expecting that they would need to be measured, it’s wedding season, I can see from their facebooks that they’ve been at weddings. I just presumed they would send over what size those suits were and I’d pick them up. It wasn’t meant to be a big deal, get measured etc.

@Graphista

I think you need to chill. It’s like you’re screaming at me.

I don’t have anything to apologise for. I visited their house, at some point went to the toilet and my OH had a tiff with his parents whilst I was up there. I didn’t know anything about it until we were in the car going home. I haven’t had any crossed words with them at all. However, the comments that they made to OH were targeted towards both of us. My OH had a further argument with his Dad the following day via telephone call. We’ve not spoke to them since this happened until his Dad tapped him on his shoulder last week.

They were always welcome at our wedding, but it was always an inconvenience. Everything always has been. We chose to rent instead of buying as we were newly in our relationship then, they weren’t happy about this and made an appointment with a mortgage advisor behind my back to take my OH to. We still went on with renting, we’ve been here 6 years and last week his Dad mentioned that we’re still living here and wasting money on rent. They’ve never let it go. So this wedding being an inconvenience is a string of many incidences.

I would love to hear the PILs version of this.

@WillowPeach honestly you sound about 15! Who the hell buys wedding suits two years before the wedding?

Oh yeah it's a special colour so unique to your DH! Can't wait, never going to be seen again, fashions won't change?

You sound like massively hard work, but you won't listen to that.

Honestly if I had to listen to you banging on about your wedding for a further to years and they've had nine months of it already, I'd lose my shit with you also.

It's one day!

And a Wednesday is a shit day for a wedding, but of course it's so special to you!

You're expecting millennial style emotional text exchanges from a generation that, in general (and of course with exceptions) tend not to express their emotions that way. Words aren't the only way of shoeing love and support. You're being very demanding and unreasonable to insist on that and measure your FIL's love for his son by your own standards. Plus, honestly, nobody really cares about weddings except the couple getting married - especially not two years in advance!

*two

Also if you can afford to buy and you're still renting your FIL is right - you're throwing tens of thousands of pounds down the drain. I'd be frustrated if that was my child too.