AIBU to tell my OH’s parents to go and F themselves?

[WillowPeach]

Oh I am so tempted to, but in the spirit of being civil, I have this far refrained from doing so.

Back story, OH and I are getting married in 2 years. We’ve chosen a weekday because it’s £5000 cheaper and will be our 10 year anniversary so a very special date. Long story short, his parents fell out with us over it.

We’ve not spoken for almost 9 months. His Dad last week tapped him on the shoulder and asked if they could talk. Great, I thought, maybe we can finally move past all this. His Dad got upset and apologised for their behaviour.

So today I’ve just sent this to his Dad...

Hi ‘name’, I just wanted to say that I’m glad that you’ve spoken to ‘name’ at the match. I know we’re not there yet, but I hope in time we’ll all be able to put this period behind us. Life is too short for all this falling out and it hangs like a heavy weight around the neck, I’m sure you and ‘name’ (MIL) feel the same. I know our wedding day is an odd one, but we’d really love it if you and ‘name’ would be able to join us to celebrate our special day and be a part of our bridal party. ‘Name’ (OH) and I very surprisingly happened across a suit which he loves enough to wear it on the big day so we went ahead and bought it as seasons will no doubt change and it will go out of stock. We’ve found another one in the same range but similar in style that we’d like the bridal party men to wear. So I’m just wondering if you’d like to celebrate with us and send over your typical suit sizing so we can pick them up in case the ranges change. Hope you’re doing ok. We miss you both xx

He sent this back...

I've put on weight since I got my last suit. Where are you getting it from and do they measure you.

So I said...

‘Name’ (OH) has bought one that is a little snug as he intends to lose a little weight. The brand is Marc Darcy bought from Lambretta in the ‘Location’. They’d measure you if you asked I’m sure x

He said...

Ok cheers. What colour.

So I sent him a picture of it that is taken yesterday

He replies...

I'd have to go down and get measured.

I replied...

Ok no problem x

Nothing else at all from him. I’m getting vibes that it’s an inconvenience, he’s not that fussed that and honestly I’m a bit peeved that I feel like I wore my heart on my sleeve and he totally pied it.

So I said...

Am I being presumptuous in saying that it’s likely you’ll come? X

ARRRGH it’s like drawing blood from a stone. I respected that he’d reached out to my OH at the football game so I thought he’d appreciate me reaching back out to him (FWIW I didn’t have any cross words with him when the issue happened, it was my OH that did). Am I being paranoid or is he giving the impression that he doesn’t want to be there? I don’t get it, it’s his only son getting married, we’ve not asked them for a penny, we only wanted them to be happy for us and celebrate our day. But I feel like it’s just been a complete inconvenience for them just because of the day of the week. Thoughts please, I feel very frustrated and sad

He read that last message over an hour ago and still not responded. I can get the hint but it’s no less hurtful.

What this means ^^ is that you've done a lot of self-justification and you talk about how you wish they had acted.

What we are saying is TRY TO SEE THE SITUATION from their side.

While I do sympathize over the fall out about having a weekday wedding, I do think that buying suits 2 years in advance is a bit bridezilla!

... or don't. But don't come on AIBU again if you are going to get fed up with the responses!

Renting and spending thousands on a wedding is madness.
Have a regisry office and save the money for a deposit and give everyone a break from 2 years of all this drama.

"registry

Fair enough, overall I take it on board that it wasn’t the best time to mention the suit. Can’t take it back now though.

Could text and apologise for your crassness!?

@Motoko renting and spending ££££'s in wedding is stupid!

I can relate to you op I get upset when people don’t react or respond how I expect or need / want them to and it’s taken me ages to understand that people are different and need space and different communication styles
Back off, relax and stop worrying about the wedding I’m sure they will there

He might feel a bit put out that you are dictating what he should wear - I think I would! It is as if he is just there to look good in the photos.

TBH that feels so superficial - let him wear what he wants and make him feel it is HIM who matters.

It's two years away and you are pushing for an answer in an hour? Leave him to your dp and get on with your daily.life.

I don't know why your getting such a hard time on this thread, I don't see how you have done anything wrong, in fact his parents sounds like a nightmare, they didn't speak to you both for 9 months because your wedding is a weekday and it might affect their holidays, they was mad because you bought and not rented a house
I think they need to learn to keep their nose out of your business, your OH is a grown man now, he doesn't have to consult them on any decision whatsoever.
People to abroad for other weddings, travel far and wide, and they think taking a Wednesday off for their own sons wedding is too much of a hassle, what a joke.
I think it was big of you to reach out to him, I would have been tempted to tell them to shove the invite up their backsides when they made a fuss in the first place tbh!

@Mishappening

He can wear what he wants if he wants to. It’s not about being matchy matchy. It’s about him not coming back to us in two years time saying that he felt excluded. They’ve felt that way before and I don’t want them to feel like we deliberately excluded them from this.

Don't text an apologise for your crassness. Don't text anymore. Your last text (before the smiley face) was unnecessary. You know it was unnecessary. Why else would he be arranging to try on a coordinating wedding suit? Just for shits and giggles?!

Don't text anymore. It won't illicit the response you're looking for. Speak face to face, and don't get drawn in to argument. Some people just love to give their opinion or to be disagreeable to everything. If you and your OH are happy with your decisions then anybody else's opinion shouldn't matter to you.

OP, you've trotted out the old 'it's an invite, not a summons' trope a couple of times. Shows a lot about your way of thinking, that if the midweek date isn't suitable for them they can just not bother coming.

@gobbynorthernbird

What else would you expect us to do? Pay 5k extra for a Saturday and then people may or may not choose to attend anyways. I don’t see your point.

Yes. Pay extra. They're your partner's parents, FFS.

He wasn't giving any impression with his texts. If anything your last text will seem to have come out of nowhere.

Stop overthinking things before you start creating problems yourself.

I wouldn't pay £5k more.

@sounfairso I agree with you there, but that might not be the reason, it could be any one of a number of reasons, so it's unfair to try to accuse OP of BU about that. It's her and her partner's choice, and has nothing to do with his parents.

WillowPeach, some posters are being very mean. You haven’t done much wrong other than mistime a text and you’ve acknowledged that but like you say you can’t turn back time. My FIL is a nice man and even he wouldn’t give me more than two word answers by text, it’s probably generational. If I were you I’d ask them over to dinner, don’t mention the wedding unless they do and go forward. Forget about his non reciprocation via text - I’m sure he wouldn’t have known how much you were going to be reading into it.

Some people don't do long winded wordy flowery texts! His texts weren't rude to you they were just to the point without all the fluff that you put in your message.
Especially for older people who haven't been used to texting all their lives they probably are much slower at it (I know my parents are) and they also "don't really like it" but they do it. Hence it's usually short and sweet.

@gobbynorthernbird

You’re being ridiculous and unrealistic. So we should pay £5k so his parents can attend at a weekend? My Dad works in a hospital, he works shift patterns, so it doesn’t matter when we have it, there is always the risk that he would have to use annual leave. Where do you draw the line? If parents can’t sacrifice 2 days of annual leave for a one off occasion - their only son’s wedding (!!) then that says more about them than it does about us in my opinion. To put things in perspective, that would mean they have to go on 2 13 day holidays that year instead of 2 14 day holidays - for the sake of us forking our 5k. That makes no sense at all.

@blahblahblahblahhh true, my granny texts faster than I do and she’s 74!

@WillowPeach are you my sister - she was being distinctly diva-ish over bridesmaid dresses 2.5 years before the wedding! Fml brides hello - you might think your wedding is the centre of the universe but honestly no one else gives a shit - their lives continue ad infinitum.

@blahblahblah

What did she say that was divaish?