AIBU to tell my OH’s parents to go and F themselves?

[WillowPeach]

Oh I am so tempted to, but in the spirit of being civil, I have this far refrained from doing so.

Back story, OH and I are getting married in 2 years. We’ve chosen a weekday because it’s £5000 cheaper and will be our 10 year anniversary so a very special date. Long story short, his parents fell out with us over it.

We’ve not spoken for almost 9 months. His Dad last week tapped him on the shoulder and asked if they could talk. Great, I thought, maybe we can finally move past all this. His Dad got upset and apologised for their behaviour.

So today I’ve just sent this to his Dad...

Hi ‘name’, I just wanted to say that I’m glad that you’ve spoken to ‘name’ at the match. I know we’re not there yet, but I hope in time we’ll all be able to put this period behind us. Life is too short for all this falling out and it hangs like a heavy weight around the neck, I’m sure you and ‘name’ (MIL) feel the same. I know our wedding day is an odd one, but we’d really love it if you and ‘name’ would be able to join us to celebrate our special day and be a part of our bridal party. ‘Name’ (OH) and I very surprisingly happened across a suit which he loves enough to wear it on the big day so we went ahead and bought it as seasons will no doubt change and it will go out of stock. We’ve found another one in the same range but similar in style that we’d like the bridal party men to wear. So I’m just wondering if you’d like to celebrate with us and send over your typical suit sizing so we can pick them up in case the ranges change. Hope you’re doing ok. We miss you both xx

He sent this back...

I've put on weight since I got my last suit. Where are you getting it from and do they measure you.

So I said...

‘Name’ (OH) has bought one that is a little snug as he intends to lose a little weight. The brand is Marc Darcy bought from Lambretta in the ‘Location’. They’d measure you if you asked I’m sure x

He said...

Ok cheers. What colour.

So I sent him a picture of it that is taken yesterday

He replies...

I'd have to go down and get measured.

I replied...

Ok no problem x

Nothing else at all from him. I’m getting vibes that it’s an inconvenience, he’s not that fussed that and honestly I’m a bit peeved that I feel like I wore my heart on my sleeve and he totally pied it.

So I said...

Am I being presumptuous in saying that it’s likely you’ll come? X

ARRRGH it’s like drawing blood from a stone. I respected that he’d reached out to my OH at the football game so I thought he’d appreciate me reaching back out to him (FWIW I didn’t have any cross words with him when the issue happened, it was my OH that did). Am I being paranoid or is he giving the impression that he doesn’t want to be there? I don’t get it, it’s his only son getting married, we’ve not asked them for a penny, we only wanted them to be happy for us and celebrate our day. But I feel like it’s just been a complete inconvenience for them just because of the day of the week. Thoughts please, I feel very frustrated and sad

He read that last message over an hour ago and still not responded. I can get the hint but it’s no less hurtful.

It’s the wedding party he is a part of, not the bridal party.
You are being controlling, obsessive and overbearing. Your wedding is TWO YEARS away. Chill out. It really doesn’t mean that much to other people yet. He said he’d get measured so you can buy your suits. That’s all you needed from him. You’re far too much

Gawd, from not speaking to we’d like you to wear this and yes you’ll have to get measured and I presume pay for it?

I’m now wondering what was said about the wedding day - by you. You are quite demanding and it sounds like you over-react if they don’t jump when you say so. Relax, you’ve been together 10 years, the wedding doesnt have to cause all this grief.

"I want to go and tell DH's parents to go fuck themselves as they have taken over an hour to reply to a text about a suit they need to wear at a wedding in two years time?"

I don't think anyone would say you were being reasonable here! I would love to hear this from their point of view. It's TWO YEARS AWAY.

If there is a awful back story of them genuinely being knobs to you, fair enough but then you should be thinking (posting?) about that and not getting bogged down in suit related dramas, surely?

PS I want to know more about this notoriety of your DH and his colourful clothes (is his name Joseph?

PPS stop fucking saying reach out

All was fine until your really awful,last text. Was it really that important to be that pushy immediately about a suit for your wedding in two years.

You sound like a massive bridezilla.

Maybe meet for coffee and have a chat rather than immediately texting and forcing your wedding down their throat again?

That's how I text . Straight to the point. I think his texts were fine

One for your dh to deal with. Why does father of groom need same suit as groom? Nice of you to buy him a suit but not necessary.

im confused at his reply. you asked if you were being presumptious assuming theyre coming and he said of course. that means they arent coming surely!? i took his reply to mean you were being presumptious.

i think you should just leave it all to your OH to sort out, in person/on the phone and chill out a bit.

Your wedding is two years away, you chose a date meaningful to you but - other than a few “aw how lovely’s” on the day - literally no one will care about this. It matters to you, of course it does but other people, even family just aren’t that invested in your love story.

And yes a weekday wedding will eat into annual leave for most folk, it doesn’t matter if you think what they do with their leave is worthy or not, things that impact other people’s lives aren’t always welcome. It doesn’t matter how much I loved the person concerned, a mid week wedding is an utter ball-ache and I wouldn’t thank you for it.

The suits matter to you, I can’t imagine what colour is so rare in a suit that you’d order 2 years in advance, but that’s your choice - other people don’t need to be as invested.

In your shoes I’d take a step back, dial way back on wedding plans that involve other people and let your DP resolve the relationship with his dad without your help. Honestly it all matters massively to you, the loss of your mum will make it doubly important to you but others just won’t have that level of investment.

I think in this situation and as you've only just started talking again I wouldn't be hassling him about a suit right now. A lot can happen in 2 years. Seems silly to go on about a suit for your wedding in 2 years time.

Honestly... I think that if you are just barely going of a non-speaking situation, the last thing you can afford is to become somewhat precise about what you want people to wear especially when the wedding is so far away into the future.

Honestly, weddings have the power to bring families together or wreck them. They need to accept it is your wedding and you can have it whenever or wherever you please. You need to understand however, that your guests are free to accept your demands, reject them, and decide not to go. They are GUESTS not puppets in a domestic performance. Personally, I would much rather have a PIL happy wearing an odd suit than a fuming one having a bad time because bridezilla is even dictating what he should wear to the button.

*Am I being presumptuous in saying that it’s likely you’ll come?

of course*

Of course you're being presumptuous?
Or of course they'll come?

It sounds like there will be more falling outs over the next two years as they are bound to disagree with some other choices you make. So any acceptance of invitation now is not a guaranteed they will actually come or even be speaking to you in two years! Very sad.

Personally I would have just bought the groom's suit and either encouraged groom's party to wear own suits, or buy something closer to time. Chances are that someone will drop out or change weight in the next two years, and that your fil will fall out with you again, so some of the suit money will be wasted.

And I think the extra stress of the suit purchase and fitting and wanting ILs to commit now will only make the relationship with them more tense.

Yes the message was a bit over excited, but ultimately the parents have treated their son and DIL horribly - over nothing! I know why it means so much to you OP, but they’ve really been so unpleasant that I don’t see how you can even be arsed!

Why did you get involved in something between your bloke and his parents? It's fuck all to do with you. Seriously your wedding is 2 YEARS away. You are going to be insufferable by the end.

If you want people to come at all you need to chill out

They may have made up now but this is not the end of their odd behaviour.

I agree. I’d put money on that suit not being worn because they have fallen out again over the next two years.

I drive my daughter up the wall with short texts and replies , it might be an age thing . It would be better to actually speak to them , a text has no inflection and your imagination fills in the rest . I think he feels he has answered you and he will get measured for a suit Have you made it clear you will pay for it ? Are you going to be mad if he can't get into it at the time of the wedding ? and last comment was pointless and I wouldn't quite know how to take it if I had already agreed to get measured for a suit . Perhaps your fiancé would be able to talk to them if you feel you can't ,it will make things a lot clearer .

just trying to work out the timeline of what's happened- Is it coming up to the anniversary of losing your mum?
I only wonder because I know how worried/sensitive I am around the anniversary of my mum's death.

That does not excuse your future IL's behaviour (who the hell falls out over a wedding date?) - but I wondered whether you were feeling low.

the groom his dad and others in the wedding party usually go together and make a thing of it a few months before the wedding, you are pushing too hard OP. Let it go for eighteen months FIL may be even bigger by then.

I’m with *Teaandchocolatecake” on this. Why on Earth are you you trying to sort out suits two years beforehand? You fell out and you’re trying to build bridges by fussing over matching suits?!!!

Why on earth does he need the same suit as his son? Will you expect mil to wear the same as you?

I think the subject title aibu to tell my Ohs parents to go f... themselves is a bit at odds with your passive aggressive opening post being oh so nice and reasonable in your txt to future fil - clearly fake and determined to keep the argument going by discussing the very issue which caused the fallout. It would have been best for your OH to have a one on one friendly general chat with his parents. Plenty of time to talk to them about the wedding. I feel the reality is you still harbour a lot of resentment against them, aren’t happy your oh has started talking to them again and no doubt there will be a pending fallout if they don’t toe the line.

The wedding is 2 years away!!? No way would I want to be measured up for something so soon regardless of your reasoning - you seem a little nuts! Why on earth has your OH bought his suit already?? He's probably at the push to buy a suit now so far in advance. You seem like very hard work. Just leave it.

Im sorry about your mum ive lost mine too -But dont try and make them into your parents theyre not and theyre not likely to change either ther ewill always be something they disagree with

I agree with everyone else regarding the text and the suit, but from your updates, I don't think you should be trying to appease them.

The way they behave, you and your fiance, will never do right in their eyes. They are also being massively unreasonable to want to be so involved in your life. You're adults, not children who need their parents to guide them in all your decisions.

It sounds like quite a toxic relationship, leading your fiance to constantly try to gain their approval, and you doing the same, because of your issues of wanting a family to replace the family unit you've lost. I think you could both do with having counselling.

Oh, and I know you're a team, that's great, and how it should be, but it's your partner who should be dealing with the suits for the men in the wedding party (not bridal party, that's the bridesmaids etc) while you deal with the bridal party's outfits.

A lot can happen in 2 years, illness, death, fallings out. It really is better to wait until a few months before the wedding, to start sorting out the outfits and invitations.

Op you sound far too intense and overinvested.. ... please just chill out, your wedding may mean the world to you but much less to others naturally...
Your title is unnecessarily harsh as fil to be has not been at all difficult from the exchange you have posted here.

I would feel the same as you.. but some people do not come across well in written form. My father is so lovely and warm in person. His emails and text are like something from an angry schoolmaster.