AIBU to tell my OH’s parents to go and F themselves?

[WillowPeach]

Oh I am so tempted to, but in the spirit of being civil, I have this far refrained from doing so.

Back story, OH and I are getting married in 2 years. We’ve chosen a weekday because it’s £5000 cheaper and will be our 10 year anniversary so a very special date. Long story short, his parents fell out with us over it.

We’ve not spoken for almost 9 months. His Dad last week tapped him on the shoulder and asked if they could talk. Great, I thought, maybe we can finally move past all this. His Dad got upset and apologised for their behaviour.

So today I’ve just sent this to his Dad...

Hi ‘name’, I just wanted to say that I’m glad that you’ve spoken to ‘name’ at the match. I know we’re not there yet, but I hope in time we’ll all be able to put this period behind us. Life is too short for all this falling out and it hangs like a heavy weight around the neck, I’m sure you and ‘name’ (MIL) feel the same. I know our wedding day is an odd one, but we’d really love it if you and ‘name’ would be able to join us to celebrate our special day and be a part of our bridal party. ‘Name’ (OH) and I very surprisingly happened across a suit which he loves enough to wear it on the big day so we went ahead and bought it as seasons will no doubt change and it will go out of stock. We’ve found another one in the same range but similar in style that we’d like the bridal party men to wear. So I’m just wondering if you’d like to celebrate with us and send over your typical suit sizing so we can pick them up in case the ranges change. Hope you’re doing ok. We miss you both xx

He sent this back...

I've put on weight since I got my last suit. Where are you getting it from and do they measure you.

So I said...

‘Name’ (OH) has bought one that is a little snug as he intends to lose a little weight. The brand is Marc Darcy bought from Lambretta in the ‘Location’. They’d measure you if you asked I’m sure x

He said...

Ok cheers. What colour.

So I sent him a picture of it that is taken yesterday

He replies...

I'd have to go down and get measured.

I replied...

Ok no problem x

Nothing else at all from him. I’m getting vibes that it’s an inconvenience, he’s not that fussed that and honestly I’m a bit peeved that I feel like I wore my heart on my sleeve and he totally pied it.

So I said...

Am I being presumptuous in saying that it’s likely you’ll come? X

ARRRGH it’s like drawing blood from a stone. I respected that he’d reached out to my OH at the football game so I thought he’d appreciate me reaching back out to him (FWIW I didn’t have any cross words with him when the issue happened, it was my OH that did). Am I being paranoid or is he giving the impression that he doesn’t want to be there? I don’t get it, it’s his only son getting married, we’ve not asked them for a penny, we only wanted them to be happy for us and celebrate our day. But I feel like it’s just been a complete inconvenience for them just because of the day of the week. Thoughts please, I feel very frustrated and sad

He read that last message over an hour ago and still not responded. I can get the hint but it’s no less hurtful.

@Drabarni there really isn’t. We told them of the date and they were angry that it was a weekday. I remember their specific point being “We won’t be able to go on our two two week holidays and mini breaks”. They were bothered about using annual leave and how it would affect their multiple holidays abroad.

Honestly? I think you need to step back now, you've done your part by offering an olive branch. It's up to them to decide what to do with it. If things are still fractious I'm not sure hassling him over a wedding suit is the best of ideas. (Not implying you are hassling him but he may feel it).

Hw would you have reacted if he'd said "actually, I think I'll wear a regular navy suit if that's OK?" Not everyone suits unusual colour tones....
I'd go back to light and neutral convos for a while, build some bridges and let the relationship mend over time.
What does your DP feel about your text convo with his DF? Have either of you spoken with MIL?

It just has unusual colour tones in it that he is notorious for wearing

He's not notorious for it, is he?

I'm sorry to hear about your mum, that's so tough to deal with. But you need to drastically tone things down. You talk in clichés, and I can imagine people receiving your messages and rolling their eyes (and not just future FIL).

Read through a message before sending, and ask yourself "do I sound a bit ridiculous?". If the answer is yes, cut out all the waffle and fluffiness and then send.

Thanks again for the replies. I’m just on edge because I feel vulnerable.

He messaged me back saying ‘of course’. I’ve responded with a very happy emoji and now I’m going to leave it at that.

It probably seems you have gone from one extreme to the other in FIL mind, exclusion to badgering.

If i received those messages I would feel perplexed. I’d think, I got the details I need, said I’d go get measured and she’s still going on, what more does she want from me. I’m a woman, I can only think what a man (generally not known for their chit chat message exchanges) would think of it.

Am I being presumptuous in saying that it’s likely you’ll come?

of course

For the record, I’m not hassling anyone to buy suits. I’m buying them and therefore am trying to work with when things are on sale. It’s not about being matchy matchy, it’s about me not wanting them to feel excluded like they have said in the past. We walk on egg shells around them because no matter what decision we make (house, location of living, wedding day) they always disagree. It’s exhausting. But regardless, we still love them.

I’m sure you’re not a disappointment - if you feel they think you are perhaps they’re not worth so much effort?

Falling out with your in-laws has upset you so maybe you should ignore small things (like him not giving an emotional response to your text) and focus on the bigger positives - like your father in-law making up with your DP and agreeing to not only go to the wedding but get measured for the suit you want him to wear.

Thanks all.

This is nothing to do with the suit. OP is trying to find out if they might attend their wedding in the future.

As for 'poor man' a grown man who doesn't talk to his son for one month's over the day he chooses for his wedding does not get much sympathy from me.

Nine months...

I thought you were being a bit weird and overbearing until I saw that your mum died last year, which is very sad. In that case I can see why you're focusing on the wedding and I also think your PIL have been massively immature to throw their toys out of the pram about which day of the week you get married on.

Having said that, I think his responses to your texts are fairly typical of a man of his generation so don't over think it. It takes my dad half an hour to compose a text so they tend to be short and to the point!

9 months ago you supposedly fell out about the date of a wedding that's not for another 2 years from now??? So you planned a wedding nearly 3 years in advance?

Is it possible that they don't so much object to the weekday wedding as their son marrying an OTT nutter?

YABU with all the cringy reaching out. Why not just talk/write to them like normal people?

Trust me having been there and done it.
These in-laws fell out with you both before when YOU chose to rent not buy....and now they are sulking because you chose a day they don’t like.....WTF are you doing even inviting them !? If your upsetting them SOOOOO much NOW by not including them in your major decisions wtf will happen if and when you have kids / change careers / god forbid move home. You name it - they are controlling and manipulative. It will NEVER get better unless you both lay down some rules : ie : you need to say something like ‘ you are welcome in our lives as long as you do not judge our way of living or decisions - constructive criticism is fine but childish sulking and rows are ridiculous. If it ever happens again we disown you both’. Are they enriching your live or adding stress ? You only know the answer.

I wouldn't even bother with them with their attitude tbh.

You sound a bit wierd saying that when he's just said he will go and get fitted for it

Because that is what he will need to do? If he wants to go.. which he must do if he's saying that.. maybe chill out don't over think :)

I found the side story about the ILs being angry and upset because OP and her OH chose to rent rather than buy more bizarre than anything the OP has done.

They may have made up now but this is not the end of their odd behaviour.

You feel you offered an olive branch but, from here, it reads as though you're being pushy and your odd approach raises a question about whether you want them there ie FIL was replying about getting a suit so was obviously planning on being there, but you implied there was a question about his attendance. He may now read into that, that you don't want him to come.
I also think you should have left DH to liaise with him about the suit, etc. They're tentatively building bridges and you've jumped in to micro-manage their relationship.

ok no problem is the end of a text message. If you wanted to know when he was going then was the time to say. I am not sure what you wanted from him at that point.

Your next message is massively overthinking and too much you heart on your sleeve because your next message is you'll come - come when you havent given him a date.

I wonder if part of this isnt a cycle of how everyone reacts including you

Why did you want to tell them to “f themselves”?

Pull back. Let them chase you. If the suit doesn't fit , tough. If he can't make the effort it's his fault. If they don't come then they can't be that bothered and don't deserve to be there anyway.

So your mum died a year ago and three month later your partner’s parents stopped talking to you because you are getting married on a week day? I’m sorry but they sound like complete arseholes. They should have been bending over backwards to support you after you lost your mum. Don’t bother trying to seek their a approval so much - they are not worth it.