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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't a 'lazy day'?

217 replies

jamoncrumpet · 24/08/2019 17:27

'Let's have a lazy day', says DH, 'We've had such a busy week'.

DH's Lazy Day:
Drinking beer
Watching cricket
Doing the crossword in his cricket magazine
Reading a book
Half blowing up a paddling pool

My Lazy Day:
Finishing blowing up the paddling pool
Going out to get lunch
Preparing lunch for DH and DCs
Cleaning out the chicken coop
Doing two loads of laundry
Cleaning up lunch things and loading dishwasher
Supervising DCs in paddling pool while DH watches cricket

AIBU to tell DH that his concept of a family 'lazy day' is actually just him getting to be a lazy bastard all day long while I carry on as usual?

OP posts:
MangosteenSoda · 25/08/2019 20:05

I have an autistic 4-year-old. No day is a lazy day. Just the thought of him in a paddling pool with a baby...Confused

Your husband should know what it takes to keep your house and family ticking over for the day and he should take on half of that effort. You do need to have that conversation with him.

And to the poster suggesting OP needs to stop referencing asd as a problem because other people’s kid’s have different problems... you really have no idea how one disability compares to another disability in terms of parental effort on any given day. It’s not that clear cut. And, ime, every day is a variation of hard. My asd child is mostly non verbal, but he can say a few words (including smoothie) 10k times in a row.

mathanxiety · 25/08/2019 20:20

So SilverGypsy you are comparing your lazy day full of jobs you enjoy doing to the OP's day full of jobs that had to be done or else nobody else would do them, jobs that she doesn't enjoy, jobs that take up most of her headspace, while an able bodied adult sits on his arse doing nothing to help? Bear in mind that one of the things the OP did was serve this waste of space a mean and cleaned up after him.

Have you ever come across the phrase 'comparing apples and oranges'?

Samlew89 · 25/08/2019 20:23

This has actually made me giggle, not at your expense but just the fact these are my 'lazy days' too especially having a 19week old baby and 2 children the term relaxation or lazy doesn't enter a day in my life. It can get tedious but then I suppose we are to blame also for letting the DH just sit there while you run around the house like a headless chicken trying to accommodate everyone with a baby on your hip.

Hope you get a lazy day soon, I'm also longing for one

FelicisNox · 25/08/2019 20:27

Communication is the issue here.

You're telling us when you should be telling HIM. Don't ask him to do tasks inform him and remove all cricket related items until it's done.

You've done far less today than I have and I didn't get out of bed until 12... that said, you have an autistic child so you win. 😁

Silvergypsy · 25/08/2019 20:34

@mathanxiety yes i enjoy cooking and feeding my children.. so shoot me, i dont get to do either during the week??? As i said instead of telling us when he isnt doing his share the best bet is to tell him...

I dont enjoy cleaning.. i mean who does.. it needs doing... makes me feel better at the end of the day.

Can i just say your calling me out on a completely innocent original post... you don't know me or how i have to work (within my head) to get past my anxiety daily .. one of which includes feeding my family as part of it... judgemental much.

Silvergypsy · 25/08/2019 20:36

Oh and @mathanxiety the jobs i did wouldnt be done without me or else i wouldnt have done them....

MLMhun · 25/08/2019 20:37

Lol doing two loads of laundry isn’t a chore.

cushioncovers · 25/08/2019 20:38

No such thing as a lazy day with small children unless they aren't in the house with you.

Why doesn't your dh drive?

Your dh is taking advantage of your obvious good nature

GeorgeTheFirst · 25/08/2019 20:45

There are SO many of these threads on here. The only thing that ever works is taking action. Go out and leave him with the kids. You have an easy option, because you drive. So drive off for the morning, leaving the kids in PJs and stay out until after lunch. Regularly. Until he gets it.

BrutusMcDogface · 25/08/2019 21:01

Lol doing two loads of laundry isn’t a chore.

What is it, then?

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/08/2019 21:52

There is no medal for working twice as hard to be able to claim superwoman status and being a martyr, you aren't a carthorse in tess of the D'urbevilles.

My SIL has done this for years. And now, at almost 50, she has two ungrateful children and one ungrateful DH who posts misogynistic crap on FB and I'm fairly sure cheats on her on all his business trips. She's incredibly bitter and critical of others who don't act as she does. It's because she is clearly angry that all her sacrifice resulted in nothing. Not gratitude, not respect, not love.

My slovenliness and expecting her DBro to pull his weight annoy the living piss out of her because I am happy and she is not. She has better throw pillows and pot pouri though.

Pinkblueberry · 25/08/2019 22:01

Alas many men - and yes, they are mostly men - never grow up enough to be a responsible parent.

Many men do though - plenty of them. There’s no need to settle for one of these ‘man children’, but for some reason lots of women do. There are some men who are lazy and selfish and quite frankly I think that’s for the most part quite obvious from the get go of a relationship - these men would be best left to live by themselves or with their mums - but they don’t need to because there still seem be plenty of women willing to make babies with them anyway, and pick up after them... and then complain how much they have to do and how little their partners/husbands do... and then here we are.

squeekums · 26/08/2019 00:54

Lol doing two loads of laundry isn’t a chore.

is that an offer to do my washing?
its a chore here i can tell you

Why doesn't your dh drive?
irrelevant, if he dont feel he is capable of driving safely then he has made the most mature decision not to drive. Driving isnt a right and some are not suited to it. More people should accept their limits on driving and not do it, the roads would be much safer
He could also medically be not allowed to drive.

Bl3ss3dm0m · 26/08/2019 01:08

If you have an autistic child, and a baby, then I am afraid that usually you will have to take it in turns to have a lazy day. I hope that you have some family support, or really good friends, who will take the children off both your hands for a day, occasionally? If you do have occassional extra help, do NOT dare to do any chores of any sort, just relax!

mathanxiety · 26/08/2019 01:31

You are certainly able to dish it, SilverGypsy.

Implying that the OP is a wuss or inadequate in some way because she doesn't consider her day a lazy day is pretty judgemental, in my books.

mathanxiety · 26/08/2019 01:35

squeekums if the OP ends up ferrying her H and the children around because she is the only one who drives, it is relevant because it eats up her time and her H meanwhile is along for the ride.

There is no indication from the OP that he can't drive for sound reasons, just that he doesn't.

CantstopsayingFFS · 26/08/2019 01:40

FFS people.... Some posters are just nasty aren’t they..
Yes you do have to stop enabling him and yes sometimes shit just needs to get done. What you must do is set the day up from the morning.
Yes honey we can have a lazy day but let’s just get this shit out of the way first - I’ll do this, you do that etc....
Unfortunately most mums need to do all the thinking and co-ordinating because we are superior in many ways. And yes it is tiring because our minds are constantly thinking about what needs to get done - keeping kids occupied, feeding them etc. Generally men don’t because they think they can turn off come the weekend so it’s left to us (whether or not both parents work!) However the only way to get them to do shit is by telling them. Some will huff and puff, others will get on with it and some are just useless (which is a different thread altogether....)
And before anyone rants and raves I’m making a general comment - I know we don’t all have ‘perfect’ husbands and situations, but in the OP’s case I think she may be asking for some advice or feedback on how to deal with hers..

managedmis · 26/08/2019 01:54

No chance of a lazy day ever, when you have kids. It's just not gonna happen

Silvergypsy · 26/08/2019 04:56

@mathanxiety not once did i say she was a wuss or a wimp, that's what you have read into my comment. I've made the same point whicj at least 20 others have made, which is to tell the oh to get on with some tasks instead of doing it all yourself.

Do you just take exception (like to argue) with certain people?

mathanxiety · 26/08/2019 05:14

I tend to respond to the most egregious examples of one-upmanship and unkindness, SilverGypsy.

'Implying' (which is the verb I used) means 'saying' or 'telling' but not directly. When you compared your busy day with hers and told her you felt your day was lazy, you were telling her indirectly that she has nothing to complain about.

You didn't just tell her to tell her OH to get off his arse. You posted a list of tasks you accomplished, the number of people you fed, and what you fed them, and what you will feed them tomorrow too, as you made it today.

Maybe the fact that others besides myself have criticised your post should alert you to the problematic content, style and tone?

ShiftHappens · 26/08/2019 06:56

I did breakfast, lunch, roast dinner.. a soup for tomorrow tea..(for myself, dp and 2 x ds) cleaned all windows and doors inside and out.. changed bedding and 2 loads of washing but managed to chill for an hr this aft and had an early bath at 8am... so i consider myself to have had a chilled day...

do you also have a baby and an autistic child to look after, Silvergypsy?

I can easily do what you do, silver when I have someone looking after my 2 DC (one of them has severe LDs and autism) and find it a breeze. However, non of which is possible without help. Looking after a disabled child can be a full time job in itself and is a lot harder than a bit of cooking and cleaning.

I have no idea why you posted on this thread in the first place as your non-achievement has nothing to do with the OP's situation. Confused

Gracie300 · 26/08/2019 07:05

Aside from the chicken coop, it does sound like a lazy day to me, albeit one with kids (which is obvs never truly lazy). You should have just asked your husband to do some of the kids related stuff (make lunch maybe) - it’s not rocket science.

cushioncovers · 26/08/2019 08:02

My SIL has done this for years. And now, at almost 50, she has two ungrateful children and one ungrateful DH who posts misogynistic crap on FB and I'm fairly sure cheats on her on all his business trips. She's incredibly bitter and critical of others who don't act as she does. It's because she is clearly angry that all her sacrifice resulted in nothing. Not gratitude, not respect, not love.

My slovenliness and expecting her DBro to pull his weight annoy the living piss out of her because I am happy and she is not. She has better throw pillows and pot pouri though.

^^ this sums it up perfectly

squeekums · 26/08/2019 09:11

@mathanxiety **if the OP ends up ferrying her H and the children around because she is the only one who drives, it is relevant because it eats up her time and her H meanwhile is along for the ride.

There is no indication from the OP that he can't drive for sound reasons, just that he doesn't.**

But the solution isn't he should drive.
The solution is he needs to be the one to watch kids while she goes to the shop or whatever. He needs to walk where possible.
Its about being safe medical issue or not, if he isn't safe then do you want you and your kids to share a road with him or anyone like him?

Like I don't drive due to anxiety and we live rural.
I get dd up and ready for school. We get up earlier then I wake dp not long before we have to leave, he avoids that whole morning drama cos he has to drive no matter what.
I schedule appointments that are in next town when he has a reason to go there, unless emergency, he isn't my taxi
I generally vacuum and take rubbish out the car
That's the sort of thing that OP DH should do as a non driver
I won't deny it can annoy dp at times but once he sits and remembers why and its safer for everyone I don't, it passes. He even admitted he would struggle to trust me behind the wheel.

They both need to agree what's a lazy day and what's expected day to day. Everyone has a different level of what's good enough.

Pinkblueberry · 26/08/2019 09:19

Unfortunately most mums need to do all the thinking and co-ordinating because we are superior in many ways.
Generally men don’t because they think they can turn off come the weekend so it’s left to us (whether or not both parents work!)

I think this has got to be the greatest load of generalising sexist nonsense I’ve ever read on mumsnet. Most mums I know definitely don’t have to do everything and most of the dads I know parent just as well and much as the mums. But if people keep regurgitating this kind of stereotyping rubbish, women will believe and think it’s normal - that’s what all men are like and that’s what they’ll have to settle with if they want a family - and then we end up with situations and threads like these...

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