To think this isn't a 'lazy day'?

[jamoncrumpet]

'Let's have a lazy day', says DH, 'We've had such a busy week'.

DH's Lazy Day:
Drinking beer
Watching cricket
Doing the crossword in his cricket magazine
Reading a book
Half blowing up a paddling pool

My Lazy Day:
Finishing blowing up the paddling pool
Going out to get lunch
Preparing lunch for DH and DCs
Cleaning out the chicken coop
Doing two loads of laundry
Cleaning up lunch things and loading dishwasher
Supervising DCs in paddling pool while DH watches cricket

AIBU to tell DH that his concept of a family 'lazy day' is actually just him getting to be a lazy bastard all day long while I carry on as usual?

More fool you!

I feel like the driving thing is an issue of contention between the both of you. Is there a genuine reason why he doesn't drive? Is it a matter of he can't drive, or he won't drive?

If he just won't then he needs to learn. It's not fair to have a one-sided responsibility on one parent to do all the driving, it would do my head in! Obviously, if he can't, then it's different. But he needs to do more elsewhere to make up the balance.

I have been this person!
It still feels a bit unnatural to manipulate lazy fuckers into doing their share. But it's a lot better than being resentful for no-one appreciating my domestic awesomeness.

1. The world would not end if you didn't put the laundry on. Yes I know it's a lovely drying day and it will need doing eventually, but there was a choice to do it or not do it. Right?

1. Get into the habit of giving DH a choice, rather like you do to a toddler to make them feel they are in control. E.g: Do you want to make lunch or do the dishwasher after? Who's going to take the first hour for chilling out? Ok, I'll supervise the kids in the pool and we'll swap at 2pm.

1. The principle of 'good enough'. Did you really have no eggs or beans to hand for a make-do lunch? Work with what you've got sometimes.

I don't think there's ever really potential for a lazy day when you have young kids.

YANBU! I would feel as frustrated as you.

I had a 'lazy' day today. Did the washing, did my food shopping, cleaned the kitchen, washed the bedding, took the bins out, played in the sandpit with DD, put the washing away, put the clean bed cover back on...normal...

I do have some excellent Brie to eat this evening and some wine though- just a thought?!

Twillow all good points. Isn't it a bit demoralising to have to treat a partner like a child, though?

Sounds like you need to communicate properly! Ask him why he thinks it’s fair for him to lie about all day while you do everything?

Why not agree that he has the dc in the morning and you have them in the afternoon, he does lunch, you do tea??

Who are these men who are happy to watch their partner do everything while they slob around?

For those asking why I didn't delegate jobs to DH: I am fucking sick of doing that. He makes minute eye rolls or sighs and that makes me more furious than doing the jobs myself. Or he just doesn't do them.

Also how am I being unreasonable because I'm not horsewhipping him into action? You can call me unreasonable for marrying him in the first place but should I really be putting an intelligent 38 year old man to work?

It's not my job to make him understand that children need to eat and be supervised and be reasonably clean.

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup It was a hand pump!

I think people are being pretty mean to OP here with all the "that would be a lazy day to me". She has a baby and an autistic young child. No matter what you do that is hard work. You can have a proper lazy day, when kids are less than six months or greater than about three, but in the interim I don't really think you can? They need a lot of input and supervision. Also anything you do (eg cleaning out a chicken coop) takes quite a lot longer and is harder when you have to stop multiple times to sort out kid issues. But I think both expecting to have a full on lazy day (i.e do next to nothing) is unrealistic.

I have four young children and my husband and I have the same issue, he's also proper lazy and if he can get away with doing minimal stuff he will! So I think you either both do less than you usually would (but do both do something) or one of you has proper guilt- free time off, while the other one does full on kid wrangling, lunch making, bit of housework etc, and you take turns. I usually suggest my husband actually takes them out for my off time (as I otherwise simply don't get it because of the old "can you just"). But really the problem here is that you didn't really communicate that well about both of your expectations.

Also get a paddling pool with a frame - no blowing up required - much easier (I have an Intex one).

I think that is a lazy day..... I’d consider my day today as a chilled day: perhaps not quite lazy but not strenuous either! Two loads of washing, a cycle ride to the shop, hacked at the overgrown budleia (sp!) , got all the horses ridden and did some strimming. I don’t count things like making lunch as even if I was having a “do nothing” day, we still need to eat....

No. It’s not your job to get him to pull his weight, but what’s your alternative? Moaning online will get you no further than delegating to him, probably even less far.

Either leave the man child or suck it up, or be super firm with him about doing his share, and tell him you will not be his house keeper any longer.

It's not my job to make him understand that children need to eat and be supervised and be reasonably clean.

You can either do this ^^ or do all the work yourself and fume silently.

Which do you choose?

If he is truly lazy and unreasonable, does a crap job if you manage to shift him off the couch, and generally refuses to accept that parenting and partnering means time off for you too without everything piling up in your absence, then you need to drag him to counseling. Or go to counseling yourself to learn how to motivate him/deal with him/make a decision about the relationship if it comes to that.

Meanwhile, stop doing wifework for him - if you washed clothes of his today, leave them on the line, and don't do any more of that nonsense.

Good for you @BalanchineBallet - do you have an autistic preschooler? Because I do.

Next time he suggests a lazy day, just agree and say you just have to pop out for some errands. And then don't come back for several hours. Let him see how much relaxing he gets done with sole charge of the children. And then get back from your errands and comment how lovely it is he got to have a lazy day while you got stuck into the relentless onslaught of never ending errands.

You can't expect him to magically change or change him.
The only thing you are in control of is yourself and your reaction.
So you could tell him about how uneven the workload has been on this "lazy day". If he gives a shit he could attempt to change.
You could decide what really needs to be done if you want a lazy day.
You could do what makes you feel happy.

And you could think about what he actually brings to the family and relationships.

But ultimately wasting energy resenting him isn't doing you any good. You can control your actions/decisions, and to some extent the children's - but you can't control his. You could though make the consequences of his actions clear to him.

jamoncrumpet, I totally understand why you are upset, it took dh more than 10 years to notice there are somebody there to do everything at home and for our children.

He probably think you don't know how to chill, because he has no idea what you do for the family or how much you do. My husband seems to think I can leave thing undone for a days but in reality, they just going to pile up so high and it will be hell for me to recover.

Have you discussed this with him? You shouldn't have to nag him all the time, you are not his mother.

I would honestly so much prefer your “lazy” day to his.

Yeah we had a "lazy day" today too. I'm knackered.

I think it was really shitty of him not to help supervise the kids, or take over making lunch and clearing up since you went to get it.

I can see why you are pissed off. You shouldn't have to nag at him and tell him to do these things. A lazy day still involves supervising the kids and doing the basic household chores so people can eat, have clean clothes, etc.

What would he have done if you had sat on your ass with a beer as lunchtime approached for example?

Do you think he loves or respects you OP when you're doing all of this and he's sat watching?

Only you can decide if this is a tolerable way to live. It wouldn't be my idea of a partnership.

Why it it the OPs fault that she either didn’t delegate or tell her DH to do it, or shouldn’t have done it herself or is a martyr or enabling him. How many ways can a woman be blamed?

This x 1,000,000

It’s not her fault for being a “martyr”. It’s his fault for being a fucking lazy fucker who doesn’t think the house jobs should be done by him. I have one just like it, and it’s fucking TIRESOME having to talk to him like a toddler; give him two options etc etc. So I am the moaning nagging bitch and my partner is to be pitied really for having to put up with it.

Bastard

Imo having a lazy day doesn't mean the world stops turning! Shit still needs to be done around the house. It just means no full on family days out planned. YANBU OP he's a CF