To think this isn't a 'lazy day'?

[jamoncrumpet]

'Let's have a lazy day', says DH, 'We've had such a busy week'.

DH's Lazy Day:
Drinking beer
Watching cricket
Doing the crossword in his cricket magazine
Reading a book
Half blowing up a paddling pool

My Lazy Day:
Finishing blowing up the paddling pool
Going out to get lunch
Preparing lunch for DH and DCs
Cleaning out the chicken coop
Doing two loads of laundry
Cleaning up lunch things and loading dishwasher
Supervising DCs in paddling pool while DH watches cricket

AIBU to tell DH that his concept of a family 'lazy day' is actually just him getting to be a lazy bastard all day long while I carry on as usual?

He makes minute eye rolls or sighs
Call him out on that. 'What is the sigh for?'

should I really be putting an intelligent 38 year old man to work?
Have you asked him that? In these words, I mean?

It's not my job to make him understand that children need to eat and be supervised and be reasonably clean.
Agreed. Again, have you put that to him?

He needs to grow the fuck up.

Is he up yet? I'm guessing you made lunch... so go tell him that you're having a lazy afternoon, so he's in charge of the kids and dinner.

Then go sit in front of the TV and refuse to take responsibility for anything that happens around you. Yes, you'll have to argue and cajole. But perhaps, just maybe, he'll understand that this is what it's like for you when he sits infront of the cricket all day.

unless you have a child with a disability you would struggle to understand how much work is involved above and beyond the regular call of duty

I remember on a thread about reins being told by another poster that all children want to do is hold your hand, walk beside you and show you things. The implication being that us rein-users couldn't do this. My DD has moderately severe ADHD. The other poster had no conception of the additional work that is. No understanding that she was completely unable to behave as the poster's child did.

It was only really my friends who saw how much harder I worked than them. With behaviour, they were working hard in other ways.

@jamoncrumpet

This isn’t really he’s had a lazy day post

This is he doesn’t do anything to help

You need to stop with the autistic child stuff

Some people have kids in hospital every week

Some people have kids that can’t speak. Can’t hesr. Can’t see.

Some people have perfectly healthy children who do as they are told

Some have little shits that are naughty

At the end of the day. We all have struggles. Your post was is this a lazy day. Nothing to do with children who have ASD. As MANY parents on here do.

Have you tried opening the bedroom door and unleashing the baby and child on him while he snores?

Meanwhile, you get into the shower.

I did breakfast, lunch, roast dinner.. a soup for tomorrow tea..(for myself, dp and 2 x ds) cleaned all windows and doors inside and out.. changed bedding and 2 loads of washing but managed to chill for an hr this aft and had an early bath at 8am... so i consider myself to have had a chilled day...

Silvergypsy- here’s your medal 🏅

I am assuming you .org wanted your babies? Tell him it’s a team thing. Tell the CF to pull his finger out and help, give him a list to do, hell buy a whip and crack it in front of the TV and Ben stokes just saving the ashes and say “there is s man...where are your balls”.... or go and have a coffee with your mum/ neighbour/ friend and leave him for a while with the kids. Life is about everyone, own your life

I wonder if the " oh but I did twice as much and feel like I've had a lazy day" posters realise how unutterably self absorbed and vicious they are being? It's not a competition to run yourself into the ground. There is no medal for working twice as hard to be able to claim superwoman status and being a martyr, you aren't a carthorse in tess of the D'urbevilles.

You know those memes that say things like " women should adjust each others crowns " ? That's the opposite of what you are doing.

OP id be inclined to actually sit and tell DP this. I have a Dp who is actually wonderful but has a slight tendency to pick a pointless job and spend all day on it then claim he was soooooo busy. I sat and calmly discussed it with him and told him how frustrating it was that I had spent the day keeping the rest of our life going. It wouldn't have worked if I'd tried to say when I was angry. It would have ended up a row.

As for the somewhat self satisfied PP's that claim to have tunnelled out a new mine that led to a gold seam before breakfast...please don't smugly put others down to raise your own self esteem....women have enough criticism thrown at them. If you need validation so terribly badly ....don't take it from other women....frankly it's just tacky.

It’s the cricket!

You and the children should have sat down and watched with him

Exactly! The cricket today was just amazing. Totally absorbed and made our stop doing what they were doing and watch it....they were screaming and shouting with excitement for the last couple of hours and so engrossed, our boys are 4 and 6.....

Have you communicated any/all of this to him op? Because ranting here may he cathartic (though it seems to only be serving to raise your blood pressure?!) but it's not going to change anything.

Yes your dh should have done more. If he couldn't carry on doing the pool in one go he should have had a breather and then done it. He could have had the cricket on the radio while keeping an eye on the dc (though presuming he was watching the Test it was a great game). He could have made you all lunch. Did you ask him what he wanted or just make it for him?

Washing is a thing that has to happen. You could have put it on then asked him to hang it? Yes, you shouldn't have to, but you'd maybe be less pissed off with him/in general if you did? I don't keep chickens, but did they absolutely have to be cleaned out today? If not I'd have left it.

No, looking at your lists it doesn't look like your day was as lazy as his. Get him to do bath and bed while you take some time back for yourself?

Having read your responses to other posters though, as I don't currently have a baby and an autistic preschooler presumably you don't want to hear anything I've got to say

You need to delegate! Yeah good one. Try getting my husband to do anything he doesn’t want to do!!

Has your husband ever tried to learn to drive? My DH would be devestated if i coild drive and he couldn’t!

Well done @BrutusMcdogface for your sarcy reply. All im saying is everyones "chilled" day is different... to me my day was chilled... The ops day to me would be chilled.... any day away from work/childcare to and froing routine basically would be a "chill day".... i never judged but you did... #slowhandclap

Silver - don’t be a prat. The above poster put it way better than me; read Shinyletsbebadguys long and detailed reply.

Exactly what did you think you were bringing to the conversation by saying your chilled day is someone else’s busy day? Because the point of this thread is not oneupmanship; it’s an unsupportive partner.

Made a rod for yourself and now whining about it.... Tell him.

I have to convince my fiancée that a day of rest is not a lazy day, but a healing day. We are both disabled, and as usual, she is much more domesticated than I. Having said that, if she asks, I'll hoover.

I do however, freely do dinner/food without being asked, along with said washing up, plus will load the washing machine.

My fiancée on top of having Rhumatoid Arthritis, has throat cancer. She's had one operation, and will shortly be having another, but this time will be in for over a week.

Teaching her to pace herself, and learn to have recharge days. She doesn't have lazy days. Days she released and not doing the chores, is a day she is able to relax n recharge. This means she's able to go out the next day, instead of being exhausted.

If OP can't be bothered to chase DH, that's no one's fault but hers.

Impersonally hate people who complain cos one half can't drive. In my case it's due to medication nnhealth reasons, I'm not allowed to drive.the ex would complain she did all the driving, so I'd say... Fine, don't drive we'll go by bus or train.... I ain't doing that and taking longer!

Wow... @Brutusmcdogface... name calling very adult... so im a prat... grow up.
I was saying what my "chilled day" was, im entitled to and looking at earlier responses to the op there are many similar to mine perhaps you just like my new username and thought to pick me from the bunch? Like i said everyone's day is different as is everyones relationship and there responsibilities within it.
I actually enjoy doing the things i did today and see them as my downtime hence me saying it is my "chilled day" as i rarely get to eat tea with my children due to work.
My partner (as does the op's) sometimes does dip on his responsibilities especially when im at home. a quick short sharp word usually does the trick... better than bottling it up and picking everything up yourself

It’s not your fault op. But it’s not going to change unless you make it change. If you really are done with that and cannot be arsed putting one more second of effort into driving him to be a father and husband then the relationship is probably done. I feel your fury, but it needs to be fury not martyrdom. He doesn’t need to drive to do almost any of these things. If he ran out of puff then ‘it’s a shame they can’t have a paddle’ or ‘I’ll finish blowing while you do the washing’. It’s ‘could you make lunch?’ And later if none of that’s actually had any effect it’s IF YOU DONT DO TWO HOURS ACTIVE PARENTING RIGHT NOW SO I CAN HAVE SOME OF THIS LAZY DAY ‘WE’ ARE APPARENTLY HAVING THEN I WILL BURN YOUR CRICKET MAGAZINES.
sadly that’s what it takes often and only you can decide if the relationship is worth it. But take no shit for not being fun or being nagging or cross etc. ‘If two adults in this house could work out washing needs doing off their own bat or that children need lunch just like you do then I’d be fun. Until then I’m exhausted and pretty sick of parenting for two while the rest of the world thinks I’m in a mature relationship.’

Sounds rather like our day, I did some ironing whilst DP watched the cricket, although I put a movie on whilst doing it so actually didn’t feel much like work. DP cooked the lunch and dinner on the bbq though so feeding the troops was taken care of.

@Frazzledstar1.
What sounds like your day? Did you read the OP?

@Butterymuffin This!!!xxx

jamoncumpet, I have two autistic children! I know I sound like I'm boasting.They do require more parenting. It does impact on my mental health. Not the asc, but their comorbidities are really challenging. But, it could be that you or your dh have asc too which could be why there's a communication problem between you. I'm autistic and dh is neurotypical. We have communication difficulties sometimes. You must talk to him about giving you more practical support.
I don't think it's helpful to tell op that other people have significantly more disabled dcs.
She has a right to feel her feelings. Although sometimes I do think of that when I'm having a difficult time.

I can’t believe how utterly nasty most of the replies are here, blaming OP for her husband being a lazy, inconsiderate fuck.

Alas many men - and yes, they are mostly men - never grow up enough to be a responsible parent. And you can hardly know what parent your partner will make until you actually have kids with them. By then it’s too late to change your mind. That’s why so many relationships fall apart after children appear.

You were unlucky OP, and I honestly don’t know what advice to give you. Having an honest conversation about you being overwhelmed and about your expectations from him as a partner is always a good start. Work out a shopping, cooking and laundry rota and stick it on the wall. If that doesn’t work, perhaps stop doing things for him - shop, cook and do laundry just for yourself and the kids. I know it’s unpleasant and likely to end up confrontational, and you’ll still be the only parent looking after the kids, but at least you’ll be looking after two kids not three.

Oh, and if you drive, don’t give him lifts until he starts doing his share of work as a parent.

I wish you all the best. There are many women in your position, but it doesn’t really make it any better, does it?

@FrazzledStar1
It sounds exactly the opposite to your day.