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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Update: moved in with partner..he got fired and expects me to pay the bills..

312 replies

Beachball32 · 24/08/2019 12:30

Hi all,

I posted last week and got some brilliant advice- it’s certainly made me see things in a different light.

Basically, I moved in with my partner of 12 months three months ago. He has a rented council flat and I’ve made it a home (buying furniture etc). He got fired because of his attitude/sick days a couple of weeks ago and is now stony broke. He’s had a few jobs since I met him but he’s quit or been fired..he refuses to work past 5pm and thinks we shouldn’t have to work at all as it’s no life. He decided he wanted to do a course via the job centre so he can get a job earning more money but that has been cancelled. He has to wait for a couple of months to start it.
So he’s got no money whatsoever. I have just finalised a really long divorce battle and been given a settlement. I’ve got a lump sum but haven’t told him how much. The emotional trauma has hit me hard and I’ve taken some time to adjust. My partner has been really nice to me- supportive, cooking and waiting on me hand and foot. However he doesn’t seem to be looking for work. I’ve got enough money to start a new life...upping sticks and starting afresh somewhere (by the coast maybe)...either that or investing my money in this relationship (for example he has no carpets so I need to pay for them..he also wants a bigger expensive settee).
I feel under such financial pressure to provide for us- I’m tempted to take my money and run but am terrified of the unknown. AIBU to think he’s a sponger? He does everything for me (running baths, making me daily smoothies, keeping my coffee cup topped up) since my settlement but doesn’t have a penny so I’m paying for everything..

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 24/08/2019 13:16

say you've decided to invest all the settlement and see his attitude towards you

Do this. Say you’ve taken advice and you’re investing the money in a 5-year locked bond - all of it.

Watch and wait.

Ilikethisone · 24/08/2019 13:17

OP you need to raise your standards. From what I can gather

You have been with this man 12 months but not really because you broke up at some point.

He smokes weed, lived in a shit tip, is a waster. While broke up you dated another man who had a restraining order against his ex wife, who told you his exwife was crazy, also did some drugs and was generally a walking red flag.

You then went back to this loser.

If this is true you need to stop datongbuntil you can figure out how to stop dating losers.

Lunathewitch · 24/08/2019 13:17

I am married to one of these men, always getting fired for his attitude/sickness. He never contributed to family finances. He would do "nice" things for me, but in the end making me a cup of tea did not outweigh the fact he was a total sponger. I left him last year. I say run as far as you can before it's too late

Apolloanddaphne · 24/08/2019 13:17

I don't think anyone is going to tell you to stay. This is unusual on MN and tells you that you should use your money to buy a place by the sea and live your life free from lazy cocklodgers.

bluebluezoo · 24/08/2019 13:18

I feel under such financial pressure to provide for us- I’m tempted to take my money and run but am terrified of the unknown. AIBU to think he’s a sponger? He does everything for me (running baths, making me daily smoothies, keeping my coffee cup topped up) since my settlement but doesn’t have a penny so I’m paying for everything..

If the o/p was male I think the advice would be more balanced.

He's pulling his weight with the housework, meals etc so all o/p has to do is work and be looked after.

Ok there's no kids, but no different to a SAHM. Some women do give up their jobs or go pt to relieve the pressure of running a house on their husbands.

Personally I'd rather we both worked as a safeguard toward redundancy, pensions etc, but some men/women are happy to go the more traditional route of one working, one supporting.

Talk to him. Is he really happy not working? Is it temporary? What are his plans for 5, 10 years? Is he waiting for this course?

I lost my job at one point and took 3 months out to reset and decide what I wanted- retrain, study, find another job. DH happily supported me, and I stepped up my share of the housework.

I'd tuck your lump sum away somewhere and not touch it. Tell him it's been invested in your pension or something and you can't touch it til you're 60.

Gobbolinocat · 24/08/2019 13:21

The smoothie and tea making is reminding me of the true story of 'dirty John' on Netflix. Apologies if this has been mentioned before.

It's a true story and there's a pod cast on it too as well as Netflix series.

FlamingoFlamenco · 24/08/2019 13:21

He does everything for me (running baths, making me daily smoothies, keeping my coffee cup topped up)
^ But this costs him nothing in terms of money - you've paid for the coffee and smoothie ingredients, and I reckon he doesn't go without does he!

.he also wants a bigger expensive settee)
^ then let him get his lazy, entitled arse of his smaller, cheaper setter, get a job, and earn the money to buy one!

Seriously. You now have the money to build your own life, as you want it, not how it will be when he has spent every last penny of that settlement on himself.
You will be reduced to scrabbling around looking for enough coins to make a pound up......... and never be able to escape.

When money walks out of the door, love flies out of the window

^ no words are ever truer than these. You say you love him dearly. Well that will cost you dearly when you're still trying to get him to work 3 years down the line, when you have no money to feed your children.
But somehow, SOMEHOW, he magically will have money for alcohol, clothes, whatever.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/08/2019 13:21

OP, you will be absolutely KICKING YOURSELF. But, it's your misery and you're free to embrace it if that's what you choose to do.

I don't know why you keep posting the same thing, I was looking forward to your update but now I just think you're a bit pathetic.

I'm really sorry, I know what it is to love somebody to distraction, but why the hell would you do that when it's not reciprocated and he's with you for your money? You're behaving like a fool.

I will keep an eye out for you in months to come - and will stay off your thread; it will be too sad to read that you've thrown away your financial stability to support this grabby arse of a 'boyfriend'.

Shouldcolder · 24/08/2019 13:21

What’s the course he’s hoping to go on?

Ilikethisone · 24/08/2019 13:22

Ok there's no kids, but no different to a SAHM. Some women do give up their jobs or go pt to relieve the pressure of running a house on their husbands.

Of course its different to a sahm. Theres no kids. And that's a joint decision.

And he didnt discuss anything with the OM just decided.

She doesnt want to have a house husband and feel.

Dont be so ridiculous.

OP clearly says what he wants regarding work. He doesnt think he should have to.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 24/08/2019 13:23

OP - is this the guy you broke up with who couldn't keep his own flat clean? I am a bit confused with him, the PTSD soldier and the housekeeping guy in this post.

I agree with a PP - I think you should stop dating and do a bit of self development - maybe look at The Freedom Programme or the Lundy Bancroft book and raise your standards.

Do you still have the option of going back to the home you were planning to rent out? If so, do that, and give yourself some time to decide what you really want to do with your funds.

If you wanted to carry on dating him, but not financially supporting him (I personally think you shouldn't but it's not my place to judge!) you can still do that from your own space. If he loves you, he'll make it work.

Kitkatbar2018 · 24/08/2019 13:23

Based on your last thread - like everyone is saying - Run Run Run!!
At least you have the settlement now and whilst now he is all hand and foot, is it because of his feelings or that he has to eat and therefore all smokescreen! And consider this if you stayed and invested everything in this relationship and it fell through.... well you won’t get any kind of settlement from him. Please run! Ps Freedom programme as suggested by someone up thread is excellent advice.

Wiglio · 24/08/2019 13:23

OP your post is timed less than a hour ago and now you have 5 pages of unanimous good advice. Not one poster advises you to stay with this no hoper
Please leave

SpinneyHill · 24/08/2019 13:23

Ok there's no kids, but no different to a SAHM

Except it is different because there are no kids and OP isn't incapable of running her own house, this is having to pay for somebody else to live in their own house because they clean up their own house.

OP I'm also capable of keeping my own house clean and I can make tea if you fancy paying everything I owe and giving me spending money?

TeaForTara · 24/08/2019 13:24

Look, if he had lost his job through no fault of his own, or a one-off, and was trying hard to get another, then it would be reasonable to pay more than your share short term to tide him over.

However, he has form for not holding down a job and doesn't believe he should have to work anyway. If you step up now, he will NEVER contribute as you will be his meal ticket for life. Once he had you where he wants you, the nice things he is doing will probably tail off. If you are happy for him to be a kept man then crack on. If you want a more equal relationship then leave him now. He will not change. (He'll probably tell you he will if he thinks he's losing you. He'll step up the love bombing. It will all be an act.)

If he wants carpets or a sofa then he needs to earn some money to pay for them. Don't buy them.

justasking111 · 24/08/2019 13:24

You have had good advice, but ignored it thus far. Is he amazing in bed?? If so get your own flat and invite him round when you fancy a roll in the hay.

ThePhoenixRises · 24/08/2019 13:24

RUN and don't ever look back

diddl · 24/08/2019 13:25

"He’s had a few jobs since I met him but he’s quit or been fired..he refuses to work past 5pm and thinks we shouldn’t have to work at all"

Why did you even get with him/stay with him, let alone move in?

It's not as if the signs haven't been there!

MoaningMinnie1 · 24/08/2019 13:27

I do think it is hilarious that you've moved into a council place. It's hardly a step up.

Move and put him behind you, you can surely do better.

everyonecaneffoff · 24/08/2019 13:28

I lost my job at one point and took 3 months out to reset and decide what I wanted- retrain, study, find another job. DH happily supported me, and I stepped up my share of the housework.

Well yes, ok. But that's not the same as the OP's 'D'P.
You lost your job for whatever reason and you, presumably with DH, decided on a time out and used that time fruitfully to find another job.
OP's 'D'P has said he doesn't want to work because "that's no life". He also has an extremely sketchy employment history - he lost his most recent job due to some kind of altercation (can't remember what it was now but it will be in OP's previous thread) and this wasn't the first time that there had been a problem leading to the loss of a job.

If someone loses their job once that's a completely different situation to someone being unable to hold any kind of job down for any length of time and losing various jobs for various reasons (other than something like redundancy, end of a contract, things that they can't help).

TSSDNCOP · 24/08/2019 13:29

I’m tempted to take my money and run but am terrified of the unknown.

Now imagine the terror when your savings balance is down to £100 and you’re strapped to this useless twunt.

MosquitoInAJamJar · 24/08/2019 13:30

I would keep your money and be independent of this person.

Ilikethisone · 24/08/2019 13:31

Now imagine the terror when your savings balance is down to £100 and you’re strapped to this useless twunt.

At that point he will mick her out. So at least she wont be strapped to him anymore.

ClemDanFango · 24/08/2019 13:31

Pretty much everyone told you to run last time but you’re still there.
What do you want us to say? It’s obvious you’re not going to dump him so what is the point?

diddl · 24/08/2019 13:32

" I’m tempted to take my money and run but am terrified of the unknown. "

But you've lived alone before?

You don't have to move to a totally unknown area.

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