Update: moved in with partner..he got fired and expects me to pay the bills..

[Beachball32]

Hi all,

I posted last week and got some brilliant advice- it’s certainly made me see things in a different light.

Basically, I moved in with my partner of 12 months three months ago. He has a rented council flat and I’ve made it a home (buying furniture etc). He got fired because of his attitude/sick days a couple of weeks ago and is now stony broke. He’s had a few jobs since I met him but he’s quit or been fired..he refuses to work past 5pm and thinks we shouldn’t have to work at all as it’s no life. He decided he wanted to do a course via the job centre so he can get a job earning more money but that has been cancelled. He has to wait for a couple of months to start it.
So he’s got no money whatsoever. I have just finalised a really long divorce battle and been given a settlement. I’ve got a lump sum but haven’t told him how much. The emotional trauma has hit me hard and I’ve taken some time to adjust. My partner has been really nice to me- supportive, cooking and waiting on me hand and foot. However he doesn’t seem to be looking for work. I’ve got enough money to start a new life...upping sticks and starting afresh somewhere (by the coast maybe)...either that or investing my money in this relationship (for example he has no carpets so I need to pay for them..he also wants a bigger expensive settee).
I feel under such financial pressure to provide for us- I’m tempted to take my money and run but am terrified of the unknown. AIBU to think he’s a sponger? He does everything for me (running baths, making me daily smoothies, keeping my coffee cup topped up) since my settlement but doesn’t have a penny so I’m paying for everything..

He doesn’t have the capacity to truly love or love you if he wants you to flush your financial future down the toilet.

Run run run.

He thinks he shouldn't have to work as its no life aw bless.

Well there you are,he wants it on a plate. Guess what, you are the plate.

My advice to you is to go back to the stone you found him under and put him back.

Sorry, OP, but this man has all the hallmarks of a conman. Of course he's being nice to you while he's trying to persuade you to invest your money in stuff he wants, but doing that to stay with a man who you 'hope' loves you is no plan for your future.

Stick your money far away from where he can get his hands on it and leave, because he'll keep up the pressure until he gets you to spend it on him otherwise.

Buy WHY do you love him? Because he makes you smoothies?

I always read this ‘but I love him’ and it’s always about some waste of space who treats you badly.

I love my husband:

He’s reliable, trustworthy, honest, kind, generous, an excellent dad, even tempered, calm, patient, understanding, strong, hilarious, intelligent, moral, has integrity, loves his family, isn’t afraid to admit he’s wrong, is humble.

Your partner is so cantankerous he can’t keep a job.

Let me spell it out for you.

He does not love you.

He loves your money and an easy life.

Once that runs out so will he.

You will be left with nothing.

You are a 50 something woman not an inexperienced ingenue.

There’s no fool like an old fool.

Stop wasting everyone’s time and effort on here.

Shit or get off the pot.

Run. You don't really need to ask.

RUN!

Use that money to start a new life somewhere by the sea. You’ll meet someone else.

As my dad says- the cure for love is money. Once your settlement runs out and you are trapped and working your arse off to support him will the love last.

NO! He’s not your partner. He’s your dependent. Cut him loose.

Been in a similar situation and I am so glad I walked away. Never, ever again will I be the meal ticket for a working loser.

To enjoy life; I only regret not doing it sooner!

You are nowt but a meal ticket to him OP. I am sorry but he saw you coming.
Please see this relationship for what it is. Take your money and run.

The writing is on the wall you know what you need to do!

he also wants a bigger expensive settee
Then he can fucking well get a job and save the money to pay for it. If he doesn't want to work/can't modify his behaviour to keep a job, then he'll have to make do with the settee he has.

I feel under such financial pressure to provide for us- I’m tempted to take my money and run but am terrified of the unknown. AIBU to think he’s a sponger? He does everything for me (running baths, making me daily smoothies, keeping my coffee cup topped up) since my settlement but doesn’t have a penny so I’m paying for everything..
Yeah - he's manipulating you. He senses the fact you are unsure/thinking over the relationship and he's doing everything possible to show what a lovely boyfriend he is. Running baths? Making smoothies? Fuck that. The one thing he should be doing is moving mountains to get a job.
Once he realizes he has hooked you and you're paying for all sorts of shit, he'll pack in with the romantic bath running.

You say you are afraid of the unknown. You shouldn't be afraid of the unknown - but you should be afraid of a life with this scrounger and you ending up penniless and stuck with him.

Just stay with this sad loser and have a shit life.

It’s not what I would do or advice a friend to do but if you really can’t work out by now that you deserve so much better then stay.

I'll give the same advice I did before.

He sees you as a meal ticket. Of course he he is being great. He knows you have money coming.

Why on earth would you even consider buying new carpets for his property. If he wants a new sofa, he gets a job and pays for it.

Either you are just attention seeking here or you are desperate for someone, even just one person, to say he obviously loves you so you can carry on.

If you stay with him you will find yourself penniless, unloved in an awful relationship.

Once your money has gone and his course is done he may pull his finger out and get a decent job. At which point, you wont be usef to him anymore and he will move on.

He appears to love you, because you are useful to him.

Get rid or accept the consequences.

In your situation OP, with a shitty divorce behind me and a lump sum in my bank account? I'd make a new life for me and not look back.

Let this man be someone else's problem.

FGS just leave.

Leave now, today and move in with parents/friends/even a hotel is a better option and find a new house miles away from this using fucker and work on yourself and your need to jump into a shitty relationship rather than be alone.

You do realise he won’t continue to ‘keep your coffee cup topped up’ or ‘run you hot baths’ he will slowly do less and less.
He can hear the cash ringing and is keeping you sweet while you pile all of your money into him and his home only for him to drop you as soon as the cash runs out.

He is not a nice person! He is very obviously using you for money and thinking you are too stupid to see it.

I bet it was his idea he needed a new expensive bigger sofa! But obviously only because he wants the home to be comfy and smart for you because you deserve the best.

Everything monetary wise you pile into this relationship you will never get back. You are not married and won’t get half of anything. He will dump you and tell you to move out, as it’s his house you’ll have to go and have absolutely no comeback in terms of money, furniture or any other expenses you put in.

How much you love him isn’t a relevant factor in deciding whether to stay with him. How much do you care for yourself?

His treatment of you isn’t loving.

Two options either start fresh in new location (up to you if you invite him but make sure everything is in your name) or buy your own place within reasonable distance of his so you can continue the relationship but have your own property to invest in

Or

If he's lovely but skint just move out

You don't have to live together

Move out and date him

He can look after himself

That's the only other thing I can think of that isn't leaving completely, which sounds lovely tbh

he refuses to work past 5pm and thinks we shouldn’t have to work at all as it’s no life.

Fuck me, that's a turn off and a half. How can you love and fancy someone with that attitude?

He a scrounger.

Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, RUN!

Frying pan. Fire.

Read your own posts as though they were written by your daughter. Now advise her.

With every job he either walks out or is fired. Now you have come along and he wants a new sofa?

Honestly, you really need to get out of this situation and to do the Freedom programme online.

My partner has been really nice to me- supportive, cooking and waiting on me hand and foot. However he doesn’t seem to be looking for work.

Cooking and waiting on you isn't going to pay any bills. Either get the council flat put into your name and make it officially yours (I'm not sure how you go about this?) or go live your dream and set up a new life; preferably with someone who isn't lazy and has a zest for life?!

Looks like he showing his true colours - do you really want to spend the rest of your life supporting someone who can't be bothered to work? 🤷🏽‍♀️

Plenty more fish as they say.... don't settle. And don't tell him any of your financial matters either!!

He’s going to spend a ALL your money and when that’s gone, he’ll start being really fucking horrible to you so that you have to leave. You’ll leave penniless and older with nothing. But you LOVVVVE him. So crack on....

What. Is. WRONG. WIth. You.

The guy has. Non-Mol order against him

You knew this and went ahead!!!

FFS

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3572564-Meeting-someone-new-after-abusive-relationship

Why waste everyone’s time with these threads as you just carry on regardless

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3558004-Is-this-guy-toying-with-me-Messing-with-my-head

It’s one of those situations where it’s very hard to have sympathy with the victim

Okay, so, say that he's a really nice, decent guy who just happens to be out of work at the moment.

Then he will be fine with you moving out to your own property and seeing him on a 'dating' basis, whilst you look to your own financial future, won't he? You could always move back in together once he's back up on his feet and properly employed (for longer than, say, a year).

And don't you dare pay for every 'date'...

If, as I suspect, he thinks he's on to a good financial thing with you, he won't want you to move out or have your own place. He'll want to guilt you into buying him all the things he wants 'because you love him'.

And you only say that you 'hope' he loves you as much as you love him? Why wouldn't you be sure?