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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Update: moved in with partner..he got fired and expects me to pay the bills..

312 replies

Beachball32 · 24/08/2019 12:30

Hi all,

I posted last week and got some brilliant advice- it’s certainly made me see things in a different light.

Basically, I moved in with my partner of 12 months three months ago. He has a rented council flat and I’ve made it a home (buying furniture etc). He got fired because of his attitude/sick days a couple of weeks ago and is now stony broke. He’s had a few jobs since I met him but he’s quit or been fired..he refuses to work past 5pm and thinks we shouldn’t have to work at all as it’s no life. He decided he wanted to do a course via the job centre so he can get a job earning more money but that has been cancelled. He has to wait for a couple of months to start it.
So he’s got no money whatsoever. I have just finalised a really long divorce battle and been given a settlement. I’ve got a lump sum but haven’t told him how much. The emotional trauma has hit me hard and I’ve taken some time to adjust. My partner has been really nice to me- supportive, cooking and waiting on me hand and foot. However he doesn’t seem to be looking for work. I’ve got enough money to start a new life...upping sticks and starting afresh somewhere (by the coast maybe)...either that or investing my money in this relationship (for example he has no carpets so I need to pay for them..he also wants a bigger expensive settee).
I feel under such financial pressure to provide for us- I’m tempted to take my money and run but am terrified of the unknown. AIBU to think he’s a sponger? He does everything for me (running baths, making me daily smoothies, keeping my coffee cup topped up) since my settlement but doesn’t have a penny so I’m paying for everything..

OP posts:
SophieSong · 24/08/2019 12:40

Well, there's one way to figure out if they are reciprocated. Tell him he isn't getting any of your money. Tell him you want to live by yourself, but continue to see him. But no money. No paying for his rent, for food, for bills, for new expensive furniture.

See how he reacts to that.

FlorencesHunger · 24/08/2019 12:40

Cut and run, waiting on you hand and foot will only last as long as you support him financially without quibble. He has shown you who he is, no work ethic and wants to sponge of your Income.

Sex and a topped up coffee is nice but definitely doesn't make an equal and satisfying relationship.

It's only been 12 months go start a new life for you and dont get lumbered with leeches.

marblesgoing · 24/08/2019 12:40

Mug.

How nice he's being because he knows you have a settlement coming??

Be interesting if you were to say you've decided to invest all the settlement and see his attitude towards you change then.

He clearly already thinks it's ok to not look for work and let you fund everything. What makes you think that attitude will change when you rock up with a lump sum.

Don't be a mug

timshelthechoice · 24/08/2019 12:41

FFS! I was on your last thread. You would be an utter fool to stay with this loafer. You need to get over this need to be living with a man mentality because you jumped into this relationship and shacked up with this loser you barely knew (although you already knew he was a total zero). Give your head a wobble! He's nice to you because you're a meal ticket! You already have another home to go to. You're throwing money out a window! A charity would make better use out of it.

noeyedeer · 24/08/2019 12:41

You are not, "sinking money into this relationship" by buying carpets, you're sinking money into a property that you do not own and have no stake in. He can love you all he wants, but I guarantee it won't take long for your respect of him to go if you keep spending money on his wish list without him contributing more than a smoothie and a cup of coffee.

HangryPants · 24/08/2019 12:42

Why don’t you set up solo and continue dating this man? Give the relationship a bit of space?

Missillusioned · 24/08/2019 12:43

Ok, if you don't want to end the relationship, then simply move out and tell him you're doing so for him because then he will be able to claim benefits, but you still want to continue the relationship.

His response will tell you what you need to know

MyCatIsNotAllThat · 24/08/2019 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrenchSchnoodle · 24/08/2019 12:44

If I were you I'd read your own previous thread.

It's true that there's no update but you can change that. Start making a plan ... where would you like to live? What about work? Could you move in with family or a friend now whilst you make your plans?

You say you love him but you're enabling his lazy arse behaviour. You'll never achieve what you want to whilst you're with him.

ControversialFerret · 24/08/2019 12:45

Have you asked him why he isn't looking for work?

NoSquirrels · 24/08/2019 12:45

I’ve got enough money to start a new life...upping sticks and starting afresh somewhere (by the coast maybe)...either that or investing my money in this relationship (for example he has no carpets so I need to pay for them..he also wants a bigger expensive settee).

Well, I also think you should run like your arse is on fire because he’s a job-shy scrounger who you’ll regret staying with.

But these aren’t your ONLY choices! You can choose to stay in the relationship but move out to your own place.

You could stay in the relationship and keep living in his flat but not buy the carpets and sofa (although someone will have to pay the bills).

What do you see in him? Why did you get together and move in together? If you want an equal partnership he’s not the one for you.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 24/08/2019 12:45

Move back out asap.

Nanny0gg · 24/08/2019 12:45

But what is going to change?

Yes, you love him now, but what about 5/10 years down the line?

He has no ambition, he's actually workshy. He should be looking for anything right now to pay his way until things look up.

He's not for you. Get out before it costs you any more.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/08/2019 12:46

How is this an update?

You’re getting the same advice this time as last time, with a well deserved side order of “how many times do you need talking to get the fuck away from this sponging work shut useless loser”. Repeated use of “but I luuurrvvee him” isn’t going to make anyone tell you to stay Hmm

Yodude · 24/08/2019 12:46

I normally sit on the side of sharing what you have with your partner but not in this case. This is a new relationship. He isn't even trying at the start of your relationship. Run, take your money and run. You will regret anything else.

Thornhill58 · 24/08/2019 12:47

I'm ok being with a poor man if the man has ambition and work ethic.
If he is lazy now that means he'll be confortable with very little.
I'll run.

GypsumFantastic · 24/08/2019 12:48

Are you sure it’s terror you feel when you think about cutting and running? Might actually be excitement

elephantfan · 24/08/2019 12:48

He is a sponger.

cakeandchampagne · 24/08/2019 12:49

You are making a big mistake spending any time or money on this guy.

everyonecaneffoff · 24/08/2019 12:49

I thought this was going to be a great update where you told us that following on from the other thread you had moved back into your own house (which you had planned to rent out but hadn't yet).
Then this disappointing what shall I do thread...
I'll say the same as I did on the last thread - ltb. Take your stuff and go back to your own house ASAP.
This bloke is a loser and a waster and will bring you years of pain.
Your financial settlement from your divorce will end up going down the pan supporting this total waste of space.

OhUmOhUm · 24/08/2019 12:49

He is using you.

Run as quick as you can from this sponger.

He would leave you in a heartbeat if you had no money.

Sigh81 · 24/08/2019 12:50

You will find another man (possibly one who is willing to contribute more to the relationship than just the odd coffee and bath) but an opportunity like this will not come along again.

Honestly, do you foresee a happy future with this man?

Lipz · 24/08/2019 12:50

I said on the other thread as did others that he is a sponger and he is. He is being nice to you because he knows you got money, he lost his job when you moved in, very convenient ! He knows he doesn't have to look for work or even go to it when he has a job because you are paying for everything, I don't know why you can't see what is plain as day ? he is a using, useless, greedy, self centred Prick ! seriously, you shouldn't have to ask if you should leave him. Who the fuck wants smoothies and topped up coffee all day long ?! people want a loving, kind, generous, thoughtful, hard working partner, he is NONE of these. You would be out of your mind to stay in this relationship !!! if you do your money will dwindle FAST and he will dump you ! he is loving this life, all his rent, bill and food paid for and any nice shiny things he want for his house and all he has to do is top your coffee and give you smoothies.

JudgeRindersMinder · 24/08/2019 12:50

In what way is the unknown any worse than shacking up with this waster?
What exactly do you love about him?
Have you asked him how HE proposes to fun this sofa and carpets that HE wants?

Please get the hell out of there, if your feelings were reciprocated he wouldn’t be sitting on his arse. You’ve come through a messy divorce-you have the strength to do that so you certainly have the strength to kick him to the kerb.
Go and please yourself, get your own place, rediscover who YOU are and what YOU want and need in life...don’t date, don’t invest in anyone but yourself for at least a year

MirrorrorriM · 24/08/2019 12:51

Hmmm. Should I buy someone who refuses to work a sofa and some carpet or should I grab life by the horns and fulfil my dream of moving to the coast and starting afresh? 🤔. Tough call, said no one ever.

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