Update: moved in with partner..he got fired and expects me to pay the bills..

[Beachball32]

Hi all,

I posted last week and got some brilliant advice- it’s certainly made me see things in a different light.

Basically, I moved in with my partner of 12 months three months ago. He has a rented council flat and I’ve made it a home (buying furniture etc). He got fired because of his attitude/sick days a couple of weeks ago and is now stony broke. He’s had a few jobs since I met him but he’s quit or been fired..he refuses to work past 5pm and thinks we shouldn’t have to work at all as it’s no life. He decided he wanted to do a course via the job centre so he can get a job earning more money but that has been cancelled. He has to wait for a couple of months to start it.
So he’s got no money whatsoever. I have just finalised a really long divorce battle and been given a settlement. I’ve got a lump sum but haven’t told him how much. The emotional trauma has hit me hard and I’ve taken some time to adjust. My partner has been really nice to me- supportive, cooking and waiting on me hand and foot. However he doesn’t seem to be looking for work. I’ve got enough money to start a new life...upping sticks and starting afresh somewhere (by the coast maybe)...either that or investing my money in this relationship (for example he has no carpets so I need to pay for them..he also wants a bigger expensive settee).
I feel under such financial pressure to provide for us- I’m tempted to take my money and run but am terrified of the unknown. AIBU to think he’s a sponger? He does everything for me (running baths, making me daily smoothies, keeping my coffee cup topped up) since my settlement but doesn’t have a penny so I’m paying for everything..

Everything monetary wise you pile into this relationship you will never get back. You are not married and won’t get half of anything. He will dump you and tell you to move out, as it’s his house you’ll have to go and have absolutely no comeback in terms of money, furniture or any other expenses you put in.
^This. I'm highlighting this because you need to read it more than once.

You've got your own house OP. You have somewhere to go. It's not like some women who have nowhere to go and next to no money so very difficult to afford a deposit on rental property. Please go back to your own house before you become one of those women posting on mumsnet that you need to get out but you can't afford to!

Is he a tortured artist, or just a bum?

I guess it depends if you would rather have a bloke treating you like hes your butler/housewife, or whether youd prefer a more equal partnership where he contributed?

You don’t have a partner.
You have a pet.
A large, expensive pet with specialist requirements and demands who may live another 60 years.
As long as you are clear about the relationship, everything is fine.

Funny how he managed to keep his job until you moved it eh.

HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.
HE IS ONLY INTERESTED IN THAT LOVELY LUMP SUM YOU ARE EXPECTING.
HE IS BEING NICE TO YOU FOR HIS OWN BENEFIT, NOT YOURS.

Do not waste any more of your life or money on this fucking loser or you will end up broke and miserable with no way out.

FWIW op I had been with do and he was made redundant. Even though he struggled for cash and I had my divorce settlement he wouldnt have expected help. If i offered to pay for something he would remind me i needed to keep that money. Of course I did, but I didn't mind paying for lunch or something.

He wouldnt even talk about planning to move in until he had been in a job long enough to be permanent and secure.

Dp also likes things like nice sofas, nice things in the home. He works for them and pays for them.

I dont want to work. Ideally I would love to be a millionaire and not work at all. But I am not. Its thought shit. I have to work.

He thinks he doesnt have to work, because you will subsidise his lifestyle. And he ahsnt even discussed it with you. He made the decision that he was leaving work and doing a course knowing you would pick up the bill.

And you are doing it. He wasnt wrong.

Unfortunately the faults you have described are serious and things that are likely to severely impact your future happiness. As others have said, if you're head over heels in love with him, that makes it a lot harder to leave him, but i think it's for the best. Has he given any indication that he wants to and is willing to change his ways? Even if he has, I'd be reluctant to stay if he hasn't taken actions towards change. However if he doesn't see any problems, then that speaks for itself. Unless you are up for a life full of 100% taking care of this person who has an aversion to work. I tjink eventually the infatuation will fade, as you begin to see him more as a responsibility than a life partner.

Go, and buy a beach house!

He got fired because of his attitude/sick days

He’s had a few jobs since I met him but he’s quit or been fired..he refuses to work past 5pm and thinks we shouldn’t have to work at all as it’s no life

he doesn’t seem to be looking for work

for example he has no carpets so I need to pay for them..he also wants a bigger expensive settee

I feel under such financial pressure to provide for us

OP it's as plain as the nose on your face that this is not a 'blip' or a 'rough patch' in his life, his financial/employment issues are entirely of his own making and clearly illustrate his attitude to earning a living. He doesn't think he should have to and is now looking to you to enable that for him.

He may not know how much your settlement is but presumably he knows there is one and his eyes are firmly on the prize, your money. If you continue funding him I predict that you will pour thousands into his house, carpets, expensive sofas etc only to find (probably around the time the money runs out) the relationship falls apart and you end up having to walk away from a home you have no claim on with nothing left to set yourself up with.

This isn't a temporary problem with him, it's his overall attitude to life and money (that someone else should pay basically!) and it will not change. Using your settlement to fund his life and his house would be monumentally stupid and shortsighted, you have the means to live your own dream, don't let him take that from you because I guarantee you will regret it.

Take your settlement, find your own place and jusy enjoy being you for a while.

It's sounds like you deserve some time for you and to enjoy yourself. Don't fund his lazy lifestyle

He does everything for me (running baths, making me daily smoothies, keeping my coffee cup topped up) This reminded me of Dirty John!

Do yourself a favour - stop spending your money and leave.

OP - is this the same man? In April you described him as:

He IS very paranoid actually...says I shouldn’t have male friends. Gets aggressive a lot, mood swings and he twists everything I say. I’m crying as I type this...he makes me feel really bad about myself. I try standing my ground on things but he dismisses me/talks over me. He also gives me lots of ‘advice’ about everything and he always has to be ‘right’. If I’m COMPLETELY HONEST WITH MYSELF I am nervous and frightened near him, always worried about his moods. He is in my head 24/7 and I find myself lying about silly things because he won’t approve. I have no idea why I’m clinging to him, it’s like he has this power over me

Yet you're still with him and thinking about investing more with him? Go and read what you have said about him in your previous threads.

New life by the sea … or buy carpets for no-hoper boyfriend? Run, now!

You don't love him OP. I'm sure you think you do, but you don't. You are recovering from an abusive relationship. Your self-esteem and confidence will be on the floor and you'll latch on to anything that feels remotely comforting and supportive. Like most recovering abuse victims, you would "love" a turd if it was one of the smiley ones. You've fallen into the sadly all too common trap of escaping one abuser and running straight into the arms of another.

God yes Auntie I'd forgotten about Dirty John, the smoothies!

You need to learn to be on your own without being so utterly dependant on a man, any man. And spend some of that money on counselling.

I don't think you love him really, I think you're worried that you will never have another relationship so you're clinging to anyone who shows an interest. You hope he loves you, but what he actually loves is what you can buy for him. He is doing cute things for you the way that a dog does cute tricks, not because it makes you happy but because it gets him treats.

Decide for yourself to be happy being single. Take up new interests, socialise with lots of people, make new friends. If you are happy with yourself then you are less likely to fall for opportunistic shysters. Living with an arsehole is blocking you from all likelihood of meeting and forming a relationship with a kind, respectful soulmate.

However he doesn’t seem to be looking for work
He made his attitude towards work and being an 'equal partner' in a relationship VERY CLEAR to you from the beginning - he is NOT INTERESTED in being self sufficient (doing it for himself) or in being an equal partner (compromising re getting a job to share the financial burden of life).
What he wants is for SOMEONE ELSE to pay his way in life and wipe his arse for him.

He's good at targeting vulnerable women - like you.
He knows you're emotionally wounded and want/need love and comfort.
He's selling you the ILLUSION of all that when in REALITY it's YOU who's actually providing that for yourself.

You're being given the SAME ADVICE that you were given on your previous thread - leave the leech!
Your only other option is to stay in the attention seeking/victim mentality.
Your life - your choice.

You know what you need to do - leave.

That's it. There's nothing more anyone can say really.

So he needs carpets and wants a new expensive sofa but cba to work. He sounds entitled and that he has deffo seen you coming.

I love him very much and am hoping those feelings are reciprocated

I'm sure he loves the free meal ticket you're providing. But that's all.

Looking at the quotes upthread, what precisely makes you love a man very much when he makes you feel nervous, frightened, and really bad about yourself?

This is not an update. It's just a rehash of rye same scenario framing him in a better light. Leave him!

Well it sounds like you want to be a mug investing in a workshy partner and spending money on a flat that will never be yours and then when all your money has been spent he can kick you out because your name is not on the lease. So as you really really seem to want to be bled dry by this loser, then Stay and your wish will become a reality. HTH

Do the freedom program
Don’t not spend your money on this man’s home - no one who loves you would expect this.
Do not like your financial security be eroded by someone whose poor personality and work ethic mean they will never be solvent.
Set yourself up, invest time and energy in friends and interests and don’t date until you understand past patterns and what you want your future relationships to be like.
The only point to a new partner is if they improve your life whilst matching the values you hold true. He doesn’t so leave.

He doesn’t love you, he wants your money. If you didn’t have that lump sum coming he wouldn’t be with you.

He’s a dick. You know he’s a dick, but if you walk into this you’re doing it with your eyes open and you can’t say you weren’t told. Again and again.

RUN THE FUCK AWAY