Update: moved in with partner..he got fired and expects me to pay the bills..

[Beachball32]

Hi all,

I posted last week and got some brilliant advice- it’s certainly made me see things in a different light.

Basically, I moved in with my partner of 12 months three months ago. He has a rented council flat and I’ve made it a home (buying furniture etc). He got fired because of his attitude/sick days a couple of weeks ago and is now stony broke. He’s had a few jobs since I met him but he’s quit or been fired..he refuses to work past 5pm and thinks we shouldn’t have to work at all as it’s no life. He decided he wanted to do a course via the job centre so he can get a job earning more money but that has been cancelled. He has to wait for a couple of months to start it.
So he’s got no money whatsoever. I have just finalised a really long divorce battle and been given a settlement. I’ve got a lump sum but haven’t told him how much. The emotional trauma has hit me hard and I’ve taken some time to adjust. My partner has been really nice to me- supportive, cooking and waiting on me hand and foot. However he doesn’t seem to be looking for work. I’ve got enough money to start a new life...upping sticks and starting afresh somewhere (by the coast maybe)...either that or investing my money in this relationship (for example he has no carpets so I need to pay for them..he also wants a bigger expensive settee).
I feel under such financial pressure to provide for us- I’m tempted to take my money and run but am terrified of the unknown. AIBU to think he’s a sponger? He does everything for me (running baths, making me daily smoothies, keeping my coffee cup topped up) since my settlement but doesn’t have a penny so I’m paying for everything..

FGS, run. You should have left ages ago based on previous threads. Come on, wise up a bit. You're a meal ticket to this man. Set a higher bar for yourself than staying with a workshy loser on account of him 'running baths and topping up your coffee cup.'

God help you OP, it sounds like you won't be happy until you are left penniless and he asks you to leave HIS flat as you are of no further use to him.

How nice do you think he’ll be when the money runs out? As everyone else has said - RUN! If he loves you he’ll still love you when you are living apart and no longer paying his bills.

This is so sad. Everyone is saying the same. You can stay with him, if he loves you he won't expect you to sink money you need for your future into things for his flat. This money is your key into a brand new amazing future, if he loves you he can follow you, don't let this man be the ruin of you OP ! He sounds like he's found a golden ticket in you OP.

exactly Sophie song. I say the same. you can still date him but not live with him. it's only been 1 year. not long enough to know someone. tell him after your divorce you want to live on your own and he can visit. if he loves you he will respect your need for your own space.

Echoing what everyone else has said, run. Please just run.

If he was doing everything possible to get a new job rather than being the entitled twat he is, then I could maybe consider staying.

Doesn’t feel he should work past 5?! What the fucking fuck?! Feels it’s wasting life?! My god. This is so so wrong. Back in the real world, people need to work to be able to enjoy nice things in life, like a new sofa or treating you to lovely dinner out / holiday or whatever.

I would be skipping merrily to my new home by the coast and snuggling up on my new comfy sofa that I paid for.

Where do these people get the idea that the world owes them??

Please listen to the advice on this thread and your previous ones, this will be something you HUGELY regret if you don’t. You would have put all your time and money into this prick with fuck all to show for it.

OP you need to take probably at least a year on your own, completely without a relationship. Have your own space, and spend time on yourself. Go out with friends, join a club, spend time learning a craft etc, but rediscover who you are and what you really want from life.

Once you're settled in yourself and more confident, think about what you actually want in a partner, what's important now and long term as you get older.

Stop making knee-jerk reactions to a bad divorce and settling with anyone because you're afraid.

Here's a little experiment, tell him you won't see the money for a year, or you have put it all in your pension, see how long your coffees topped up for.

Please can you clarify, OP?

Is this the same man you started two (three?) other threads about, who everyone told you to leave?

Is the man about whom you wrote:

He IS very paranoid actually...says I shouldn’t have male friends. Gets aggressive a lot, mood swings and he twists everything I say. I’m crying as I type this...he makes me feel really bad about myself. I try standing my ground on things but he dismisses me/talks over me. He also gives me lots of ‘advice’ about everything and he always has to be ‘right’. If I’m COMPLETELY HONEST WITH MYSELF I am nervous and frightened near him, always worried about his moods. He is in my head 24/7 and I find myself lying about silly things because he won’t approve. I have no idea why I’m clinging to him, it’s like he has this power over me. I’ve even gotten out of bed in the middle of the night to help him. I just feel so low and ashamed and disgusted in myself

……. back in April?

Or have you now met another prince?

It's hard when you've been abused. You do not see this as we do. You are not capable of forming a rational judgement.

Please do the Freedom Programme.

You are in the fortunate position of having your own home and a good sum of money behind you.

Please move back to your house and abandon this man. It will all end in tears if you do not.

I’ve been in this kind of relationship. It won’t be long before he’s convincing you it’s a good idea to spend money on bigger things and to get loans/ CC in your name to do so as he can’t get credit etc.

I have a lot more money now I’m single even though I’m not earning any more! But it took me over five years to get rid of debts and over drafts and credit cards that were really ‘his’.

I’d be setting up a place alone. It’s a bit daunting but worth it. Your choice if you want to let the relationship run but don’t spend money on his place.

you will get better advice than this as i cant think of waht to say.but my feeling from your post was nothing but a sense of "o dear"

And this isn't an update, OP.

This is just a re-run of the previous thread.

You say you've taken everyone's advice on board but actually you haven't.

You're no further on than you were this time last week.

Just go- if you don't he'll be off when he has spent all of yor money. Yes, he takes care of you- but making tea, running a bath doesn't cost him anything.
Use your settlement to buy yourself your own place.
You also need towork on your self esteem- the freedom programme for starters. but please leave him

Run ..please just run ...then come back on here and make us all jealous with your amazing life by the sea ...

Run! He might be sweet and good at looking after you interms of cooking etc... but he's a sponge for cash. If you stay with him it will be all gone and nothing to show for it. Use the money to make yourself happy on your own!

• He goes out to the pub with his mates regularly
• He still goes out with his mates when you are I'll and in pain
• Even though you are ill, he let's you do overtime to cover the bills
• Smokes weed
• Starts a furniture shopping list but has no money
• Is a scruffy fuck
• Can't keep a job
• He cooks and 'cleans', brews up and runs baths

Fine if he wants to go out and smoke weed, but this is his bill money and him spending it makes you have to do overtime.

You have a vacant house.

I think you need to have a long hard think about why you go for losers and scum bags. I don't think you'll leave but really hope for your sake you do.

Sponger. Run. Super unattractive feature in a man.

I remember your previous thread. The advice then was a unanimous LTLB (leave the lazy bastard). I don't think it's changed.
Of course he's spoiling you by running baths and making smoothies, but they don't cost him anything and he knows what side his bread is buttered on! He needs to keep you sweet so he can keep spending your money.
Please leave and start afresh, it's a perfect opportunity for you to do this with the funds to support yourself. Don't pay his way if he's not willing to try support himself.
At times in my marriage my husband was out of work, and other times I was out of work (stupid recession!) But we both knew that it wasn't a permanent situation and needed to look for new jobs. We were there to support each other and the family, both financially and every other way too.

Just stay with him and enjoy the coffee top ups while you sink your money into furnishing his flat. Of coure, he'll kick you out once all your money is gone, but he's worth it, right?

I’ve been with my fella for almost 4 years
Lived together for just shy of 2 of those
He loses his job at the end of the month
He’s also just got some spare cash from when his nana died
Together we’ve saved a bit and bought some joint stuff for the house (we rent from his parents)
When I was younger and much dafter I did something similar and as soon as my cash ran out so was I-I’d paid for the no hoper to kit his home out and he then moved onto the next mug
In the home I’m in now we both work both pay (we don’t keep tabs on who bought what-it’s about 50/50 give or take)
Please run-you’ll be out with nothing to show for it as soon as your money runs out-use it for another life for yourself
If he wants all this new stuff then he goes out and works for his half
I often work til 8 and no I don’t want to but I need to work-for the money I can’t just think ‘oh well the state will pay my bills-and some other mug will buy me a new sofa/carpets/dishwasher etc’ which is what he’s doing
You leave and I promise he’ll find another fool
The fact your posting here is saying it all-you know deep down what everyone is telling you

An adult able bodied woman does not need someone else to run her bath or top up her coffee.

And is coffee cup and bath running a fair exchange price for your whole capital settlement?

Look. Women of all people need to hold tight to their security. Never again will you have a significant capital sum. It is the foundation of your future security.

He will burn through it fast. Carpets in a Council flat in his name that you can never take with you? Sofas, weed, his bills..., you will fritter your future away.

Be very careful of believing you love someone who treats you so badly.

Treating you badly is using you to support his lifestyle that he can’t Be arsed to work for.

Treating you as if he cared for you means providing stability in the form of shared household costs, behaviour that shows he takes your future seriously: getting a job!

You don’t love him you are just taking refuge in the cups of coffee.

But it is not a safe refuge.

Your choice, OP.

You're a 'sugar momma' (female version of a 'sugar daddy') and provide the money and lifestyle. He is a 'sugar baby' who is going to sit at home looking pretty and spending your money. You're being very foolish staying with this guy. He is not even trying to hide it.

He might 'take care' of you, but it's with YOU money? How does that feel, OP?

As PP have said, if it's really love then he won't mind you safeguarding your own money and not spending it on him/for him/subsidising him. He will show you that respect and love by getting and keeping a job that enables him to fully contribute to the relationship he's chosen to be in with you.

It's almost as if you could do with a Power of Attorney to protect you (not him!) because you're about to lose all your money.

You = meal ticket
He = sponger

RUN!

Who pays for the electric and gas, to keep your coffee topped up and running a bath?
It's really easy to be nice when its costs the person you are being nice too.