Update: moved in with partner..he got fired and expects me to pay the bills..

[Beachball32]

Hi all,

I posted last week and got some brilliant advice- it’s certainly made me see things in a different light.

Basically, I moved in with my partner of 12 months three months ago. He has a rented council flat and I’ve made it a home (buying furniture etc). He got fired because of his attitude/sick days a couple of weeks ago and is now stony broke. He’s had a few jobs since I met him but he’s quit or been fired..he refuses to work past 5pm and thinks we shouldn’t have to work at all as it’s no life. He decided he wanted to do a course via the job centre so he can get a job earning more money but that has been cancelled. He has to wait for a couple of months to start it.
So he’s got no money whatsoever. I have just finalised a really long divorce battle and been given a settlement. I’ve got a lump sum but haven’t told him how much. The emotional trauma has hit me hard and I’ve taken some time to adjust. My partner has been really nice to me- supportive, cooking and waiting on me hand and foot. However he doesn’t seem to be looking for work. I’ve got enough money to start a new life...upping sticks and starting afresh somewhere (by the coast maybe)...either that or investing my money in this relationship (for example he has no carpets so I need to pay for them..he also wants a bigger expensive settee).
I feel under such financial pressure to provide for us- I’m tempted to take my money and run but am terrified of the unknown. AIBU to think he’s a sponger? He does everything for me (running baths, making me daily smoothies, keeping my coffee cup topped up) since my settlement but doesn’t have a penny so I’m paying for everything..

Can you tell me where I can find one of these princes please? Making coffee, running baths and a daily smoothie - hell ky husband doesn’t do that! Granted he does have a job, we do have carpets, he does some housework (on occasion), contributes to childcare etc etc etc, but a daily smoothie - you have it made!!!!

I’m not sure what you want from this. YABU to post having done nothing more and expecting different views. YWNBU to LTB, and I don’t quite understand why you don’t - you’ve recently left an abusive relationship and divorced, you have survived that, you have the power to survive this.

Maybe leave, focus on yourself and not get into any relatiknships for a while.

What would happen if you told him you are NOT putting new carpets down?
If you told him that your are moving back out?

Serious questions. Are you afraid of his reaction? Cos you know that it won't be smoothies and coffee cups then, will it? The mask will def slip then. But you won't want to see that will you OP? So you'll stay, even though you really, in your heart of hearts, know damn well that this is NOT a GOOD GUY! He is a taker, a user, a workshy entitled twat who knows you are a good thing and once he knows that you are not going to hand over, will drop you.

And you are scared of that, hey OP?

You want him to love you (He doesn't) and want you (He wants your money) and you DO NOT want the advice on here. You want us to say - yes he will love you! He will be grateful and loving. He will see the error of his ways and get (and keep) a job.

He won't. As soon as you have spent all your money on him and his flat, he will cheat on your sorry self. He will have your entire self-esteem in his idle hand, and he won't care.

There is also the option that OP is some weird fetishist who gets off on the responses his/her threads are pretty much guaranteed to evoke...

He's not a partner, he's a passenger.

oP - you 'love him' but put that aside for a moment.

Is he worth loving? ( Is he worth you?) Is he worth your money? Is he a good guy? A straight-up, honest member of society? Is he ever going to love you back?

The answer to all these is NO. Why then, do you think you 'love' him? There is nothing there to love.

Move to the seaside. Be alone (not lonely! Different thing altogether) and work on yourself. It is not scary - it's liberating. and empowering. And a positive thing to do for yourself - much better than spending your money on his carpet and sofa.

He won't value you for these - but you will value yourself for getting free of him.

God, I want to shake the stupid out of you.

I recommend Swanage. It's a lovely little town on the coast in Dorset. Even has it's own vintage railway, if you like that sort of thing.

If I was in your financial position, I'd be down there like a shot.

I really, really hope you come to your senses PDQ, or you've got a life of misery ahead.

What a waste.

If he has no income he should not be eyeing up new carpets and upgraded sofas.

Move! Start afresh. Deal is lovely...

Don’t run. Pack up a van with your furniture and drive away.

I don't understand. In your thread of 12 April you talked about your bf of approx 8 months and all the bad things about him, including him making you feel scared. Then at the end of April you are posting about a bloke you met OLD which also wasn't going too well and everyone was advising you to dump him. Now in this thread you met him 12 months ago and moved in three months ago. I assume it's loser number one?

Run, run and then run some more and then live your life without that ball and chain around your ankles.

Tell him theres a problem and you might no longer get the settlement . Watch his face . Theres no doubt you love him , but does he love you..or your money ?
What happens when your settlement money runs out ?

Just stay with him and let him spend all your money. Why not? Forget dreaming of living on the coast because you won't do it!

Run.
Sounds like you'll regret spending the money on him in a few years time when he still hasn't found another job. Several jobs in 12 months is a terrible track record.
Find yourself a lovely new start and a partner who will actually respect you

Op you're not doing yourself any favours constantly posting about this loser and ignoring the advice. You'll be pregnant within 6 months and complaining again

In a year or so, op will posting about how she has no money he has dumped her, and their child and as he doesnt work ge isnt paying CMS.

She will also be saying how he always seemed so great and she couldnt have seen this coming.

Run now.... he's a user

Definitely run! I don't think people change.

Stay where you are.
Spend all your money on this guy.
Then you'll be stuck.

No money, no options, no dilemma.
Sorted!

Run like fuck OP!! Don’t waste a penny of YOUR precious buying this lazy fucker carpets and sofas!

Spend it on YOUR dream!

Get rid of the feckless article and concentrate on your own happy ever after, without that useless tosser!!

Is this the same guy you were talking about in April who you had just met online?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3572564-Meeting-someone-new-after-abusive-relationship#86679175

Or the guy you talked about in April you had been seeing for 8 months.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3558004-Is-this-guy-toying-with-me-Messing-with-my-head

Either way as my granny would say, you are a bad picker.

Tell you what - why don't you wait for your settlement, kit out his flat by spending said settlement, pay for him so he doesn't have to work and then come back on here in a year and tell us all how you got on? I can almost predict what you will say and can 100% predict the replies you will receive if anyone can be bothered to reply to you. Grow up woman, open your eyes and move, very quickly, to the coast.

I don't know anyone who would even need to ask this question - they would recognise him for what he is and get the hell out of there!

Why is it so difficult for you to make the glaringly obvious choice?

Move the hell out now or wait until you receive your settlement, spend it all on this inadequate slob - it's up to you but please do us a favour and don't come crying on here if you choose the latter.

SuzieSunshine agreed. OP might just as well get the settlement, withdraw it all in cash and set fire to it she would at least get some warmth from the flames which is far more than she will get from this loser but you can't reason with someone so blinkered and wilfully blind to everything that is staring her in the face.

Don’t settle for a loser. Move back into your own place. Tell him (as someone else said) that it’s so he can claim benefits. Then see if he’s still as nice to you when there’s no more money coming his way......
I would never, ever date a workshy guy. Never. He has no respect for you or all of us who are paying taxes so he can fannyarse around all day. Nope. We all have to work and if you can’t get the job you want you do something else until you do get the job you want. You shouldn’t just do naught and sponge off your partner.
Have confidence that there are nice guys out there and don’t settle for losers. You deserve better.

Why are you so desperate to for a partner that you are prepared to be treated like absolute garbage and rinsed dry of your money?
Come on op I’m embarrassed for you that you think this behaviour is in any way acceptable
He does everything for me (running baths, making me daily smoothies, keeping my coffee cup topped up) and that you actually think this is doing everything for you.