My children have sucked the life out of me

[Cindy55]

I have three children under five, and I feel the last five years have been the worst of my life. I’m a SAHM which wasn’t my choice as we can’t afford childcare as my profession doesn’t pay much.

My kids are difficult, they cry 24.7, whinge and destroy everything they touch. Every simple task has become difficult, getting them to brush their teeth, eating their fruit and veg, brushing their hair, they act like feral animals all the time.

I rush everything all day, I’m rushing to have a shower, brushing my teeth, laundry, cleaning, hoovering before the next child wakes or cries. I’m lucky if I can brush my hair sometimes. I was eating an apple as fast as I could as my DD was whinging for something, I nearly choked and that’s when I broke down crying hysterically. That in my pathetic life I can’t even finish a stupid apple properly.

I have no support, DH works long hours as he doesn’t earn much so we need the overtime. He comes home at nine, by then I’m just a zombie watching any shite on tv. Then he kicks off as I’m not bubbly or attentive enough to listen to his work stories. From 6am to 7.30pm I’m just running after my kids. After 7.30 I put the house back together, clean kitchen etc. By 9, I want one hour to myself doing nothing not rushing anything, but I can’t as my DH wants company and chatter.

My friends and family live miles away, they don’t visit anyway as my kids are too much for them. Obviously we aren’t invited as no one wants three kids staying with them. My siblings don’t have any children and make no effort with mine. I haven’t made any new friends here, so its a very lonely existence.

I miss my old life. I miss working, wearing nice clothes, having a nice social life, having money to buy things, having conversations with people, eating out, exercising etc. I haven’t felt any joy in years, I don’t find happiness in anything anymore. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t here anymore, that I just die in my sleep.

I don’t know what I’m asking advice for but I hate being a mother. I feel they have sucked every ounce of who I was, and sometimes I regret having them. So I feel like a horrible mother all the time.

I wouldn’t ever kill myself as I couldn’t do that to my kids and DH. However, I wish it would happen naturally, a drunk driver crashed into me or I collapse. I know I’m awful but I get no break, I wake up to a very loud crying baby and go sleep to a man telling me I’m such a miserable wife now. On the weekends my DH wants to relax so I’m still looking after the kids.

I agree with the poster up thread who questioned what support is available from home start / sure start / state. It really does vary depending on which area you live in.

I would be asking home start about Early Help and support and involving your health visitor. If you are on low income ask for a benefit check and about the free nursery place for 2 year old's. Some LA nursery's have funded places. Ask about a family support / parental support or outreach worker to help you with your family, this can be tailored to your need.

The idea of the early help plan is to bring everyone together who can help your family and offer support without you having to do the running around. At times we get into this cycle of being very busy but getting nowhere because we haven't got a minute to think and can't see the wood for the trees.

I think you should show your opening post to your GP and Health Visitor. Has your Health Visitor assessed your peri natal mental health? Please get her to this, again if she already has.

Receiving support will have a major effect on how you are able to cope. Good luck

OP, if you’re still there

Plan is good but as somebody said please don’t settle for scraps from your selfish DH. Please dump him for a full day with DC- dawn till dusk so he could experience what you have to deal with all the time. You NEED some time for yourself away from your household. Don’t agree for “me” time in the bath, you’ll be disturbed by the children wailing outside the door or your DH with never ending questions “where is food/item of clothing/particular toy”

Parenting small kids is hard. Any. Playgroups around?

T0getherindreams either read the full thread or fuck off, preferably the latter.

Great headway on a plan OP. Maybe I'd you gave.us a rough idea of your location people could suggest more activities in your area for your brood. For example there's a particularly good soft play near me that's better for younger children and more enclosed than others. If you could take the youngest two somewhere like that while the eldest is in nursery you could have some semblance of time to yourself maybe.

I'm so terrified of having a third after the horrific time I had with two under 2 that I won't let DH near me as I trust no contraception now. If we had a third I know it would be the end of me.

I also have 3 kids so I get it. Personal choice to bring children to the world. Also my nephew died 8 months after my sister so don't talk to me about hard. Life is very hard specially with twats like you around

@Thornhill58
So nobody can ever moan because your family have it worse? How ridiculous.

Your despair brings back all sorts of mixed memories. It was such a relentless time and so utterly exhausting. I’m so impressed with your action plan. You have inspired me as a young-ish granny and survivor of three under four to apply to become a home start volunteer. Thank you for that and good luck

Why on earth did you have three children, one after the other, when you can't afford it

What exactly is your point? You’ve no idea of the circumstances so I suggest you drag your head out of your arse and try and generate some empathy.

God some people are awful. My 3rd was very much a surprise. Dh has now had a vasectomy.

I copied well with 2dc and didn't forsee 3 being that much harder but it has broken me. I'm constantly in a state of exhaustion and at times the DC are practically feral. I'm so glad they're getting older. Can't wait till their all in school.

Op if I was you I'd be booking dh in for a vasectomy asap. Tell him he doesn't have to but he'll be living a life of celibacy until its over.

When dd had mh issues at 16 the state response when she was cutting and taking od's - "yeh, use the internet, wd won't or csn't help because we can't be bovvered and are lazybastards

Bit harsh @OhTheRoses. MH services are chronically underfunded and under the most appalling pressure.

Blame the politicians who'd rather cut taxes and let people suffer than spend money on service provision.

I hope things are better for you now.

Isn't it odd how it's always women who end up looking after kids? You've told your husband he needs to do more of it, and he says 'ok, we'll ask my mum'!

He took it personally that I need to get away from him, the kids and the house. He’s asked for us to spend quality time together

What he means is that he wants you there to do the childcare.

What is the point of asking why a poster had three children, they're here now. People made me feel shit for having had two (after I left my x). Although I only began to feel like maybe I could cope with the role of motherhood rolling out ahead of me for the next two decades after I left him. It's a shit thing to do to questions somebody for something they can't change.

OP what a great update. It seems like you're really going to take control and I'm pleased you've spoken to your DH about how you feel.

You'll be able to get through this, it's so tough, I have two and the summer holidays are so tiring.

I hope things get better for you

Is there homestart in your area. This is a charity that could help you.
Also, remember, the Samaritans are there to take your call at anytime day or night.

6. He said finances are tight but will send me to a travelodge for a weekend around November time. If we book it now it’s cheaper, and something to look forward to. He thinks I’m mad getting excited to a travelodge stay alone with books and snacks.

This is great! I would love this and mine are teens. I think the fact that he doesn't get why this would be so lovely speaks volumes!

Do it soon!

Also, it doesn't matter WHERE the travel lodge is, so long as it has wifi and a comfortable bed. So just go to the cheapest one!

@FredaFrogspawn
Me too

That sounds like a great plan, OP.

A PP was a bit snotty about the Travel Lodge, but if you're in/near a nice town or city, all you need is a clean, comfy room and wifi/tv. A couple of nights somewhere like Norwich or Harrogate would be great: nice shops, historic buildings, good places to eat and, best of all, peace and quiet to just chill. I think there's one near Bath, too.

I've always been in awe of how women cope with 2 or more young children. I knew I wouldn't cope at all, which one of the reasons why I never had any.

OP, you are amazing to have had the strength to put a plan together.

I can't stress enough how important it is that your husband minds the children on his own regularly. It is the only way for them to be
a. Able to look after them.
b. Realise how bloody hard it is.
c. Develop a bit of understanding for you.
d. Way more inclined to help as they have been there.

If there is one thing you can do to help yourself today, it's to walk out the door and let him to it.

Otherwise he will never get it.

I was hospitalized suddenly when my 3 were very small and husband was left to it for 8 days.

Even though it was life threatening, it felt like a mini holiday when the immediate danger past.
3 meals a day given to me with regular tea and biscuits. Christ it was fantastic.

My husband was amazing, kept house and home and 8 week old together. To amazing praise from everyone. You'd have thought he scaled Everest 🙄.

But the best part was he was even more supportive afterwards when he oh so happily skipped back to his job and enjoyed meetings for the first time in his life, where he could sit and sip coffee in peace.

This point is so hard as children need so much of you, including boundaries.

Shattering.

It will mean so much to have him understand and empathise with you.

Start with walking out the door today.

Ahhhhh bless you it isn`t easy being a mom at the best of times .
Hang on in there though the day will come when you will wonder where the little one went believe me.
Try and get help if possible and yes,talk to H.
I think your a star.

It will get better once they are older, although that's not much comfort now. Not much advice, but I understand how you feel x

You poor thing, I felt so sorry reading your post.
Your not a bad mum you sound like your doing the very best when your up against it all the time.
Go see your gp, you need support

@LakieLady
Didn’t mean it to come across as snotty if you mean me. I just wondered if it might feel a bit lonely. But peace and quiet are what’s needed so I can see the appeal.

Oh OP your post brought back memories for me.
I had 4 under 5 at one point.... Surprise twins and god it was bloody hard.

I had a very similar existence to you and that's what I felt like I was doing... Just existing.
The plan you have put in place sounds positive and even though he was reluctant it's good your DH is supportive.

This is by no means a comment against you but if I am honest part of the problem for me was I stopped parenting my children. I mean I fed them kept them clean but I stopped parenting as in doing daily activities, reading, playing, praising them and discipline them. The last 2 being very important.
Once I accepted that I had to put more effort in than just meeting their basic needs things improved greatly. Also like you I had a long talk with DH which resulted in 2 evenings a week to myself and 1 weekend day.

Stand your ground OP because for me after a couple of weeks DH slipped back in to the old routine so needed a gentle reminder

You absolutely are at breaking point.
Antidepressants have their place, but that's just papering over the cracks really.

Yes your life sounds really hard. Why on earth can't your DH actually parent?

Showing him the responses to this thread might help him appreciate your life right now. As it appears he cannot listen/ appreciate your life from talking to you.

You need time alone.
Go out tomorrow morning. For the day on your own. Come back when you feel a bit better.

Don't take any shit from your DH. Keep repeating you do that childcare day after day with no break ever. That is not sustainable. Noone could do that.

Big hugs X