My children have sucked the life out of me

[Cindy55]

I have three children under five, and I feel the last five years have been the worst of my life. I’m a SAHM which wasn’t my choice as we can’t afford childcare as my profession doesn’t pay much.

My kids are difficult, they cry 24.7, whinge and destroy everything they touch. Every simple task has become difficult, getting them to brush their teeth, eating their fruit and veg, brushing their hair, they act like feral animals all the time.

I rush everything all day, I’m rushing to have a shower, brushing my teeth, laundry, cleaning, hoovering before the next child wakes or cries. I’m lucky if I can brush my hair sometimes. I was eating an apple as fast as I could as my DD was whinging for something, I nearly choked and that’s when I broke down crying hysterically. That in my pathetic life I can’t even finish a stupid apple properly.

I have no support, DH works long hours as he doesn’t earn much so we need the overtime. He comes home at nine, by then I’m just a zombie watching any shite on tv. Then he kicks off as I’m not bubbly or attentive enough to listen to his work stories. From 6am to 7.30pm I’m just running after my kids. After 7.30 I put the house back together, clean kitchen etc. By 9, I want one hour to myself doing nothing not rushing anything, but I can’t as my DH wants company and chatter.

My friends and family live miles away, they don’t visit anyway as my kids are too much for them. Obviously we aren’t invited as no one wants three kids staying with them. My siblings don’t have any children and make no effort with mine. I haven’t made any new friends here, so its a very lonely existence.

I miss my old life. I miss working, wearing nice clothes, having a nice social life, having money to buy things, having conversations with people, eating out, exercising etc. I haven’t felt any joy in years, I don’t find happiness in anything anymore. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t here anymore, that I just die in my sleep.

I don’t know what I’m asking advice for but I hate being a mother. I feel they have sucked every ounce of who I was, and sometimes I regret having them. So I feel like a horrible mother all the time.

I wouldn’t ever kill myself as I couldn’t do that to my kids and DH. However, I wish it would happen naturally, a drunk driver crashed into me or I collapse. I know I’m awful but I get no break, I wake up to a very loud crying baby and go sleep to a man telling me I’m such a miserable wife now. On the weekends my DH wants to relax so I’m still looking after the kids.

This is not going to be popular but my advice is when they winge just ignore them. When they cry. as long as they aren’t hurt and are safe, let them. Your MH is more important to the family as a whole than your kids’ temporary comfort - take care of yourself and the rest will follow.

Really do look into the groups OP. My DS is a similar age to your second and he is much more independent at play sessions now. When we go to soft play I barely see him unless he is thirsty and he has just started to take more of an interest in other children at groups.

Maybe you could go to something like that while your eldest is at nursery?

9 months is a hard age too. Mobile but not confident and you can't take your eyes off them.

Just remember that soon you'll have one in 30 hours nursery, one in for 15 and your youngest will be steady on their feet. I'd be sticking Peppa Pig on and having a coffee in peace!

So glad you're contacting Homestart, I hope they can support you quickly.

I agree with you having either a Saturday job or a hobby. When I had young children and was a SAHM I kept up my hobby of playing netball. It was great, fantastic exercise and I loved being part of a team. There are lots of Back to Netball schemes throughout the country if you fancy having a hobby like your DH has. Make sure they play on a Saturday
Obviously it doesn't have to be a sport, just something you can do without the kids.

@Cindy55 well done for making a plan that's the first step!

Glad your husband is on board too! Change is in your future. It will get easier I promise xxx

Lots of people imagine something is hard but absolutely nothing in life prepares you for the sheer relentless slog of young children.

There is nothing comparable.

The only thing worse is three young children and a lazy arse of a husband.

Maybe don't put them to bed early some nights and let him do that every evening as well.

Selfish men give me the rage.

I absolutely can see why women fund it easier to go it alone rather than the annoyance of them and their uselessness.

The sunday to himself after being at work all week with three young children is obscene. The selfishness of it.

Your MIL is an option to make it easier for him. You don't need someone else to care for.

Well I had NFI what one child would be like even after being around children. Unless you live with children or work with them and see the day to day I'm not sure how you would know exactly how draining it's going to be.

And you can't pop them back in so I'm not sure what the point is of the 'why did you have them' posts anyway. What's op going to say? 'Oh actually you're right and I hadn't thought about that. Why did I have them? Well better go upstairs and see if I can cram them back up my uterus.'

The problem with that is that OP leaving him wouldn't actually force him to take over. He might quite easily decide not to bother, or only bother sporadically. A surprising number of NRPs have no contact, even more have only a few hours now and then, and they aren't all being prevented from seeing the kids/seeing them more.*

unfortunately that doesn’t always work. This one doesn’t sound like he would bother if they did split. When I split with my ex he disappeared and haven’t heard from him in 2 years and as shit as he was it was it was personally easier for me with him around than him being absent. I have 4 under 8 so I do sympathise op, like I said ex has done a runner and it’s just relentless. I’m with them every minute of the day as I also have no family that help. The holidays have been extremely hard, you are not alone.

So much great advice has been given, but here are a couple of extras from me.

I would definitely advocate getting a hobby that gets you out of the house. I do Pilates now weekly, my back is shot and it non negotiable for pain relief. I also took up crochet which led me to a wonderful crochet meet-up group once per month. Fantastic range of people from 20s - 60s, meeting monthly in the city was a breath of fresh air for me!

I’d think carefully about getting a Saturday job if you’re emotionally fragile at the moment. It could be great for you, but it may be too much additional pressure in the short term. I think you need to trust your gut instinct with that one.

And re: your DH, you need to operate as a partnership as much as possible. My DH share childcare as much as possible and do plenty of solo care to give the other a break or time for a hobby. We also support each other to do one off days out/away too. You sound like you absolutely need this time away from your children and your DH needs to be able to have them all for a day on his own regularly (no MIL cop out!!!)

Lots of people imagine something is hard but absolutely nothing in life prepares you for the sheer relentless slog of young children

I disagree - and I think it's time we stopped saying this. It CAN be foreseen

I honestly don't think anyone can predict how hard it is. We all look at other parents who may be struggling and naively think, 'I won't be like that, my kids will be better sleepers than theirs, they're just unlucky to have a colicky baby etc etc'. Then you have a baby and realise that it's not just down to luck, or certain styles of parenting etc. Nothing/nobody could have prepared me for motherhood. Until you are in the situation and are experiencing it, of course you cannot foresee what it's like. If people completely understood what it's like to have kids prior to having them, I believe there would be a hell of a lot less people on the planet.

I don't think you can really foresee it either. I knew it would be hard but I had no way of knowing how hard I would personally find it to have small children hanging off me ALL DAY. That horrible touched out feeling is brand new and I cannot stand it.

People deal with having children differently, shock. Try and predict it as much as you like. No one is the same.

@Drum2018, I totally agree that if people understood more what it is like to have children then less would have them.

Maybe schools should teach about the realities of having children rather than so many people thinking it is like some wonderful dreamy ad where gorgeous looking children play quietly and well together in immaculate clothes.

So so many women struggle with children and lot regret having them. No point in saying that is not true because you only have to look at these boards to see it is. I have also had enough women (and men) tell me they would not have children if they could go back in time to know that for many it just isn't the right thing to do.

I know posters are trying to be helpful when they say things like "it gets better", "it's a hard slog but then gets easier" but why would anyone want at least several years of what the OP is experiencing?

Also, without being mean, schools need to make a better job of teaching about contraception. OP admits her 3rd baby was an accident and all I ever seem to read on here is about babies that are "accidents". Two of my neighbours have recently had their third child and both say they are "accidents".

In reality accidents should not happen very often and certainly once you have the number of children you want you should take extra precautions or preferably the DH should have a vasectomy or the woman be sterilised.

In your situation I think I'd start a saturday morning hobby such as an exercise class, yoga or even just sitting in a cafe drinking tea. Then I'd get a part-time one or two day job in the week and hire a baby sitter (which your husband should pay at least half of).
It doesn't matter if you only break even it'll do your mental health a lot of good and you're have more options when your children are older.

Well done OP for asking for help! It was too much for you to do all by yourself. Love to you

Lots of people imagine something is hard but absolutely nothing in life prepares you for the sheer relentless slog of young children

I disagree - and I think it's time we stopped saying this. It CAN be foreseen

It can definitely be foreseen which is why more women than ever are choosing to give it a miss!

I agree it can be foreseen unless you lack critical thinking.

However op did foresee but she says the last one was an accident. So she is in the situation she is in.

Op it will get better as the children grow older but your husband definitely needs to take some responsibility.

I have to admit, if I'd read Mumsnet before having a child it definitely would have made me think twice about doing it. I've had regrets, I've also had periods where I wanted to die. I had NO idea it would be this hard, nobody ever said anything!

It's without doubt, been the most challenging time of my life. I only have one and this is the reason is will never have more. I understand how hard it must be OP. I have friends and family with three and it looks like a whole heap of stress and unhappiness with not much gain.

The one family I know with three older kids have certainly not found it easier as the children have aged BUT I must stress the reason for this is that they checked out when the kids were little.

They farmed out most of the childcare to family and both worked 7-7 so they could get away from their children! This has caused no end of problems as you can imagine and all three are very challenging indeed.

Regarding your husband, I think he is a disgrace. He's irritated by you getting a Saturday job? Are you allowed to be irritated by his rugby? He's making you wait until November for your Travelodge weekend?

I have an awful feeling he will make excuses nearer the time as to why you can't go. Nothing you've said has indicated that he has shown you any real empathy or understanding.

I also don't think divorce is the answer. As others have said, there is no guarantee that he would take the children.

I think you need to be very firm with him and make absolutely sure that you start getting a regular break.

If I was you, I would tell DH your nippimg out for milk one Saturday morning, and go for a quiet coffee somewhere nice. Let him "look after" the kids for a few hours. He'll soon realise what you are going through every single day.and hopefully he will step up. Also. As a pp said maybe get a couple of hours work at the weekend, the break away from kids and a some adult interaction will work wonders, and with extra cash coming in maybe DH won't have to work so long hours and can then help out in the evenings. Unfortunately he has to realise that just because has to work, he also has a family too and that's a harder job than any I know, and you don't get paid for doing it. Hope things seem brighter for you soon 💐 x

Honestly, truly, look into Home Start. It's a charity set up exactly for women in these years, who just need a bit of a bloody break from someone who is checked out to the max, and in most cases has been through it themselves and wants to help another mum out.

You can self-refer. It could give you some peace and quiet every week, even for just a short time. And that could make all the difference.

Hate to be negative but it only gets worse when they become teenagers.

I'm constantly emotionally drained and worried

I found the step up from 2 dcs to 3 huge and never anticipated it. Having your head in three different places is difficult - never experienced it with two. I am also struggling and that's with a large age gap between children. I have only really developed my hobbies lately and I have to say the one has saved my sanity. We have no extended family so dh and I have to rely on each other - I would be sunk without a supportive dh who works full-time but gets how hard it is to look after children and therefore attempts to enable some 'me' time. I won't lie, I'm looking forward to dc3 who is currently a toddler, starting pre-school, I am maxed out and know my limits - no more dc for me but it is not helpful criticising people after the event has happened!