My children have sucked the life out of me

[Cindy55]

I have three children under five, and I feel the last five years have been the worst of my life. I’m a SAHM which wasn’t my choice as we can’t afford childcare as my profession doesn’t pay much.

My kids are difficult, they cry 24.7, whinge and destroy everything they touch. Every simple task has become difficult, getting them to brush their teeth, eating their fruit and veg, brushing their hair, they act like feral animals all the time.

I rush everything all day, I’m rushing to have a shower, brushing my teeth, laundry, cleaning, hoovering before the next child wakes or cries. I’m lucky if I can brush my hair sometimes. I was eating an apple as fast as I could as my DD was whinging for something, I nearly choked and that’s when I broke down crying hysterically. That in my pathetic life I can’t even finish a stupid apple properly.

I have no support, DH works long hours as he doesn’t earn much so we need the overtime. He comes home at nine, by then I’m just a zombie watching any shite on tv. Then he kicks off as I’m not bubbly or attentive enough to listen to his work stories. From 6am to 7.30pm I’m just running after my kids. After 7.30 I put the house back together, clean kitchen etc. By 9, I want one hour to myself doing nothing not rushing anything, but I can’t as my DH wants company and chatter.

My friends and family live miles away, they don’t visit anyway as my kids are too much for them. Obviously we aren’t invited as no one wants three kids staying with them. My siblings don’t have any children and make no effort with mine. I haven’t made any new friends here, so its a very lonely existence.

I miss my old life. I miss working, wearing nice clothes, having a nice social life, having money to buy things, having conversations with people, eating out, exercising etc. I haven’t felt any joy in years, I don’t find happiness in anything anymore. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t here anymore, that I just die in my sleep.

I don’t know what I’m asking advice for but I hate being a mother. I feel they have sucked every ounce of who I was, and sometimes I regret having them. So I feel like a horrible mother all the time.

I wouldn’t ever kill myself as I couldn’t do that to my kids and DH. However, I wish it would happen naturally, a drunk driver crashed into me or I collapse. I know I’m awful but I get no break, I wake up to a very loud crying baby and go sleep to a man telling me I’m such a miserable wife now. On the weekends my DH wants to relax so I’m still looking after the kids.

That’s brilliant cindy keep this positivity going and you will get there. Ignore the idiots commenting on why you had 3 children.. I have two children by choice, I had no idea my second child would have so many issues or that my relationship with my children’s Dad would end.
What do you suggest to women who are struggling with being mothers do? Turn back time? Give a child away? Sound ridiculous? Yes? so fuck off with your stupid judgmental attitudes

Omg he’s trying to palm them off to his mother.

I had 3 under 5. Hell it was, but I used to go out everyday to as many free groups as possible.

You need a hobby like his rugby. Get out the house. He takes them to the park you will end up doing housework. No you go out to the library if you have to. Then you take a slow walk home.

If things don’t improve remember if you bin his sorry arse, you won’t have to talk to him every evening, cook, clean, launder for him, feel guilty about sex, definitely not get pregnant again, he has them EOW and you get a break.... I threatened this a few times.

So glad you've discussed this with your DH, he doesn't sound a bad sort, perhaps just unaware of how hard it is with such small children...as I was before I had them!

Work together and you'll get through this. I can honestly say that life is much easier for DH and I now that our two are older, even though DD is a demanding teenager and DS isn't far behind.

Really good advice on this thread, sounds like you have a workable plan in place now too OP. Good luck

I'd say a weekend job will be a game changer for you. Whatever or wherever. Work is so much easier than small kids frankly.

I hope you work something out. I definitely remember feeling like you when home with small kids. I was very depressed. And I didn’t have money worries and DH was fairly good, little overtime and no time consuming hobby. I only survived by paying for childcare so I could volunteer or study, and only having two kids! Don’t underestimate how important it is to have support or just company, social media is no substitute. We aren’t designed to parent on our own, we evolved surrounded by family and a community all helping out. Even having nursery staff involved in parenting was a huge relief. Whatever happens it will get easier, or rather less intense, and you’ll start rediscovering yourself - I got a new career and am doing things I never imagined after my time at home. How you feel now is understandable but it will pass even if things don’t change quickly.

OP - I had exact same with DP away for weeks at a time, never knew when he would be going or coming back. Lived abroad and no friends. None. It was HORRID. My thoughts:
No MIL for now. This is something the 2 of you have to fix and he cannot delegate to her ( and he definitely will).
Separate the children where possible. eg - 5 gets to draw and "stay later" while 29 mts washes teeth with 9 mth and they get a special story for bedtime. Reward for good behavior. To oldest devil: you have been great today - let's watch a film and you pick the one of these that you like.
Please remember that it is not you but the nature of having a few very young children and no support. It really is. No-one is kind to you, no one is thinking of you, no one helps you, everyone wants from you and it is never enough. BRUTAL. However, it will pass and you will slowly find yourself again. Until then though, you cannot carry it all. He needs to step up A LOT.

Another Mumsnet advise that I used to HUGE success was to make a list of all that needs to be done on an average weekend - dress kids, prepare lunch, empty the bins, laundry and so on. Sit down together and pick which jobs he will do and which you will do. No emotion, very practical and no asking for help! Then stick it on a wall highly visible.
Your DH is being very selfish. He knows it deep down. So do you.
Good luck.

I had two children under two, a husband out of the house twelve hours a day and who never woke early at weekends when the children did, and a full time teaching job. It nearly killed me. I think I was red eyed with tiredness for ten full years. I was definitely suicidal in the way the OP mentions. I would never have done anything to myself for fear of the harm it would have inflicted on my dear family but I used to dream of going to sleep and not waking up. I loved my family and hacked through it but it has taken its toll. I retired at fifty five due to stress and ill health.

My DC are now 28 and 30, and more delightful, generous, funny and lovely people, there are none. My life is transformed and so will yours be OP, in a while. However, you are exhibiting clear depressive danger signs so I would seek help.

I have a four year old and seven month old and I totally get this. I literally run around all day feeding them, cleaning up, washing. Today I didn't have time to eat, it is RELENTLESS! And then I am up most of the night breastfeeding (doing it now) so I don't even have the end of the day to look forward to as it doesn't end. No family near or other help et all. Eldest was at nursery two days but we've stopped that to save some money, thank goodness she will be starting school soon!

I am now on sertraline which has helped me a little as I'm not so snappy with my four year old who is actually really good if I look at it objectively. I think that might be worth a try if you're feeling like you can't go on. I was also going to say just tell your partner what you need - I've stopped being a martyr tonit at the weekends and will literally say - you're getting up with the kids today as I need sleep (he sleeps in spare room so gets his eight hours unbroken every night) or it's time for you to bath the baby now etc. He will happily do it but just doesn't seem to realise when I need this without me telling him.

I am back to work in a few months and I remember from the first time it was a game changer, please do look for a Saturday job to get some time feeling like you again rather than the house drudge.

Your plan sounds great and hopefully will start to make things better. Please do be as honest as you can with the GP about how you’ve been feeling when you go.

I was just interested to know has there been a time post children when you’ve been happy even if that’s odd days? If there is, what made those times easier and can you replicate that? Have you really been so unhappy for the last 5 years or was it the 3rd that broke things?

The only way to console yourself is to say it doesn't last forever. Yesterday my 14 year old was out, the 20 year old was at a music festival, DH was away at a funeral and I missed the noise and the dependency of my kids on me. One day you too will have moments when you will miss that I'm sure. Crazy as it seems!

Not sure why you'd expect to have3kids under5&itd be anything but hard work?..wouldve liked more kids myself but didnt need a crystal ball to tell me after the 1st mentally,emotionally&financially 1would be the way2go.i truly feel sorry for you-your life is my idea of hell-a prison of your own making..at least they'll all be in full-time childcare/school within next coupla yrs&you can work full time again,anyone who thinks SAHM have it easier are dillusional.

Your husband says he can’t handle all 3 kids alone yet you’re expected to do it 5 days per week AND act the perfect, attentive wife when he gets home from work? He sounds like a joy.

Reading your post has really helped me to decide not to have a second child. Doing it just to give your first child company is a recipe for disaster. To put yourself through the strain of raising multiple children you really need to want them and it sounds like you never wanted number 2 and 3.

Definitely go back to your doctor and ask for a different antidepressant

Try and get out of the house more so the kids can’t trash it. Find a safe outside space where they can just let off energy while you watch.

You sound worn out and possibly a little depressed.No wonder when you are working hard 24/7 with very little support!.People often underestimate how hard it can be with small children .You need to speak to your Doctor ,also have a look for some baby /toddler groups /NCT coffee mornings and so on.Can you tell your husband how you feel ?.He cant expect you to do all the parenting with no help from him its just not on!

Haven’t got time to read all the posts. Only suggestion I have is don’t hold back on plonking them in front of CBeebies or whatever when you need some time (obv not all the time). I did that with DD as I was alone and struggling and she suffered no ill effects!

And he plays rugby every Sunday as well? And has the temerity to be 'not happy' about a Saturday job for you? Did he explain that one? It does sound rather as if he believes the world, you in particular, should revolve around him. The things he's 'agreed' to do are certainly progress from the current situation, but in reality hover somewhere around 'bare minimum' levels, and further progress should be expected from there. Not 'oh, I take them out for two whole hours every Saturday and deign to run their bath once a week, where's my medal, and why are't you being the fawning attentive wife, that was your part of the deal'.

I'm not at all saying you haven't taken a step forward, but watch him and judge him, and don't settle for scraps.

Middle one is certainly, eldest debatably too young for time out (which I personally don't agree with anyway)/reward charts (ditto, to a lesser degree). I suspect it's not the behaviour (which sounds normal, from what you describe) so much as the cumulative effect/impact on you, which would be halved if your husband would act like a father.

I know I sound harsh but I don't want you to lose sight of how unacceptably your h is behaving.

Fundamentally I suspect he is agreeing to as little as he thinks he can get away with in order for what he expects as normal service (from you) to be resumed, and if the latter doesn't happen he may use it as a stick to beat you with. I wouldn't expect him to be very supportive of your Saturday job either, seeing as he's actually said he 'can't stop you'. Clearly he would consider it a desirable thing if he could.

well done op. brilliant plan of action. I'm so pleased your dh is taking you seriously. don't be dishartend if some things fall by the wayside. it's a lot to try to change in one go. gently remind yourself and dh when necessary to get back on track.

you may find when you start to feel a bit better the children will also behave a bit better and you'll enjoy them more. they're very perceptive little things. all the best

You sound like you have a plan and are beginning to work together. I wonder if couples counselling may help?
A weekend in a Travelodge sounds a bit bleak to me. Could you do a yoga retreat or go on a city break somewhere? Residential weekend learning something new? Good luck. You aren’t alone in all this. Your OH sounds like many men. Just doesn’t understand how completely exhausting looking after kids all day with no let up is. It’s very very hard. Especially if you have no support. Xx

No one made you have 3 kids; you should have stopped at one or had bigger gaps in between when you realised you didn't like being a mother. The poor discipline is down to you and your husband, I'm afraid.
The kids need to be outside running around, remove the audience (you) when they whinge, let them help you prepare food/lay the table etc. Actually play with them and enjoy them and give them some quality attention as I bet you are shouting at them all the time for random silly, unimportant things. Get some other mums as friends and let the kids play together at the park.Tell your husband he needs to step up and be with the kids 50% of the time at the weekend. Treat yourself to some shopping time then or go and sit on a bench somewhere in the countryside and read a book!

Ignore this pile of tripe!

With small gaps no one realises how hard 2/3 dcs will be as preschoolers/ toddlers when they are sleepy easy babies!

Not everyone has a garden to wear them out!

Making mummy friends isnt that easy- I know I found baby groups cliquey and bitchy.

to the people berating the op and asking what did she expect. dfo. what sort of person says something like that to anyone having a hard time. never mind to someone admitting they're having suicidal thoughts. I suppose your life is perfect and you've never done anything that was harder or didn't work as you'd expected. I think some times people should stick by the old - if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

Sorry I know it’s not an acceptable thing to think but why actually have 3? Two is hard enough. I struggle to understand this decision. By the time you’ve had 2 you know what it’s like - this is really tough and hard let’s have another one?!

Her third wasn't planned, MsTSwift, and she says she had the second so no. 1 would have a sibling.

That horse has well and truly bolted, and OP needs to deal with the situation she has now.

I agree @yesteaandawineplease
I never regretted having three but it’s bloody hard work and very isolating if you have no support network. I defy anyone to say otherwise.
Also you have no idea how hard it will be till you’re doing it.

Oh that makes sense. Just in real life I have met parents at breaking point tearing their hair out because they can’t cope with their 3 and it seems such an odd situation as they knowingly chose it. Like going on a terrible holiday telling all your friends how awful it was then booking for next year.