My children have sucked the life out of me

[Cindy55]

I have three children under five, and I feel the last five years have been the worst of my life. I’m a SAHM which wasn’t my choice as we can’t afford childcare as my profession doesn’t pay much.

My kids are difficult, they cry 24.7, whinge and destroy everything they touch. Every simple task has become difficult, getting them to brush their teeth, eating their fruit and veg, brushing their hair, they act like feral animals all the time.

I rush everything all day, I’m rushing to have a shower, brushing my teeth, laundry, cleaning, hoovering before the next child wakes or cries. I’m lucky if I can brush my hair sometimes. I was eating an apple as fast as I could as my DD was whinging for something, I nearly choked and that’s when I broke down crying hysterically. That in my pathetic life I can’t even finish a stupid apple properly.

I have no support, DH works long hours as he doesn’t earn much so we need the overtime. He comes home at nine, by then I’m just a zombie watching any shite on tv. Then he kicks off as I’m not bubbly or attentive enough to listen to his work stories. From 6am to 7.30pm I’m just running after my kids. After 7.30 I put the house back together, clean kitchen etc. By 9, I want one hour to myself doing nothing not rushing anything, but I can’t as my DH wants company and chatter.

My friends and family live miles away, they don’t visit anyway as my kids are too much for them. Obviously we aren’t invited as no one wants three kids staying with them. My siblings don’t have any children and make no effort with mine. I haven’t made any new friends here, so its a very lonely existence.

I miss my old life. I miss working, wearing nice clothes, having a nice social life, having money to buy things, having conversations with people, eating out, exercising etc. I haven’t felt any joy in years, I don’t find happiness in anything anymore. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t here anymore, that I just die in my sleep.

I don’t know what I’m asking advice for but I hate being a mother. I feel they have sucked every ounce of who I was, and sometimes I regret having them. So I feel like a horrible mother all the time.

I wouldn’t ever kill myself as I couldn’t do that to my kids and DH. However, I wish it would happen naturally, a drunk driver crashed into me or I collapse. I know I’m awful but I get no break, I wake up to a very loud crying baby and go sleep to a man telling me I’m such a miserable wife now. On the weekends my DH wants to relax so I’m still looking after the kids.

It’s good you’ve planned & talked - but it still sounds like he has let it get too far and this plan should be step 2. I would suggest step 1 is a full weekend on your own now - completely alone, then a month of every other weekend like it would be with joint custody, plus a mid week evening off. He will then see the reality of what is waiting if he doesn’t step up, and you can get some much needed rest.

Now you have the plan you really need to drive home to him that he needs to stick with it and exactly how low you are feeling as even in your update he is coming across as a selfish man who is just saying these things to appease you. The fact he is willing to send his mum in when she has arthritis says it all

Yes it was my decision to have three children, but I didn’t realise how difficult it would be

Really? It’s pretty common knowledge that it’s excruciatingly hard, exhausting and thankless work!

I read this during the night but didn’t post as you had some great advice and sympathy and understanding and posted your plan going forward.

This morning I see a few posters exhibiting a complete lack of understanding and sympathy. On a website which is about supporting parents. Seriously some of you should be ashamed. The OP explained that her third child was due to a contraceptive failure. Her second child was because she wanted to five her first child a sibling.

Can I suggest if you are so superior that such things would never happen to you and you can’t provide any help, support or basic human bloody empathy you just close the thread and move on to something else? Why on earth would you think that a woman who has posted begging for help needs your kicking while she is down? She doesn’t.

OP your plan going forward is good. The Travelodge idea is great. I knew a friend who did similar regularly while her dcs were young. 24 hours from check in to check out with just peace, magazines, nice snacks, tv and uninterrupted sleep! It saved her sanity and her marriage.

The idea of a list of everything that needs doing is a great one.

And keep on at your DH. Don’t let this slide. You do it all five days a week. At the weekends you do it together. And you both get your own time. He gets his rugby and you get equal time out.

And I agree he is already trying to foist some of this on his mother! Don’t let him away with it!

Your post really hits home for me why I could never, ever be a SAHM. Horses for courses, and I know plenty love it, but for me it would be how you describe. I absolutely need reasonable periods of time alone and to feel like myself. It's how I relax and recharge. After a few days without I can feel myself becoming tense and stressed. I went back to work 3 days a week after having my 2 and returning after maternity leave was glorious. I have a 35 minute walk to the office, during which I stick some music on my headphones and daydream, then a day chatting with my colleagues, who are all interesting and intelligent people, an hour lunch break and a nice walk home. I would be a much worse parent without those days, they allow me to recharge enough to enjoy my. Children on the 4 days that I'm with them.

You say that your husband's job is low paid, so why does he get to work and not you? It would be different if he was a high earner. Why can't you both work part time? I really think you should start looking for jobs and just see what's out there. With some perseverance you may well eventually find something that would work.

I’d put the kids to bed later. At 9.30pm.

Wish I’d done that when my DH was working long hours. Means they put them to bed. I cleaned the house. Then I got a bit of a lie in. Result!

OP I too am welling up reading your post. Also at that poem @MadameAlbert posted. I only have one and am pregnant with number 2 and I feel like I’m being eaten alive most days! They just suck the life out of you it’s exhausting. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mum! It is just such hard work.

I actually think if you separated from your husband even for a while...he would get a small taste of what you live day in day out. Shock him in to realising. Because my sister had two under 3 and her husband left when she was pregnant with the second but she always said she got weekends off to recover! If he had to have them on his own because you weren’t an option...see how quick he begs you to come back! If he had to do his own bloody housework. Why should you be a little smiling housewife - this is not the fifties! I’m seething for you. He is breaking you, not the kids.

And going back to work is worth making no money for your sanity and identity.

Those sound like some positive changes to implement.

Looking at the ages, DD is 3 in March 2020? That means her eligibility for free hours starts in April. Efficient timing there! With two of them getting free hours, is it possible that would make work more affordable for you? Baby would be over 1 by then, so again, a bit cheaper. You could even get the free 30 hours a week for the two eldest if you were earning over £120. I wonder if it might help to plan towards this?

I could have written your post.

I have no answer, but sending you the biggest hug ever, and letting you know you aren't alone

No doubt I'll get flamed for this. But I would leave dh in this situation. I would rather he was forced to take over on 'his' time than live my life with no breaks and weekends dictated by his need to relax.

The problem with that is that OP leaving him wouldn't actually force him to take over. He might quite easily decide not to bother, or only bother sporadically. A surprising number of NRPs have no contact, even more have only a few hours now and then, and they aren't all being prevented from seeing the kids/seeing them more.

But @MerryChristmasHarry at least OP won’t be cleaning up after him any more and having to force herself to be bright and cheery when he walks in the door.

That's true MerryChristmas. I guess it's a chance I'd take though. I have a few friends who have split and the dad's see more of the kids now then they did when they lived together.

My thoughts too @hazandduck. Sometimes it's easier to be on your own and tired than on your own, tired and resentful as fuck at the other person you live with.

Exactly. I know so many women who find their other halves are more like an extra child to look after!

Why do so many men act as though looking after their own children is a favour to their wife ?

Re Saturday jobs - estate agents are a good bet. They need extras to show houses on Saturdays.

OP you are caring for them while he is at work. Three small children are harder work than any normal job. When he comes home any child are should be split between you equally, how come he gets to go off to play rugby every weekend but he is “agreeing” to take his children to the park for two hours, as though this is some favour ?

Oh my love I couldn't read and run. I'm glad you spoke to your dh and are going to the gp.

Home start is a wonderful service, I hope the waiting list is shorter in your area than it is in mine!

Please talk to your HV for support, their nursery nurses can come to help you with the children's behaviour. They will come and do some visits, give you practical tips and advice tailored to whatever it is you need and they will even follow up with you. It's a brilliant service!

Child care not child are. Sorry, typing crossly!

Its possible that OP would find it easier without an unhelpful DH to cater to as well, notwithstanding the updates, but the unfortunate truth is that he can't actually be forced to do his share. Divorce wouldn't make him.

That or he'd pull the other crappy-dad trick, and palm them off on his elderly mother of another female relative/friend during his contact time. Because it's natural for wimminz dontcherknow.

OP sounds like there are hopefully some positive changes afoot. I really feel for you. I hope you enjoy the Travelodge (I have totally done the night in a Travelodge down the road as a mother of 2, and it was fucking bliss) and I'm glad you're reconsidering the antidepressants and counselling situation. There are a lot of AD options and sometimes you need to do a bit of trial and error and give time for the initial side effects to settle. Nobody can make you any promises there but if you are thinking about walking into a lake you need your GP's treatment and support.

Oh yeah that's another favourite. I see my kids, we go to my mums for the duration and I play on my phone.

Make sure you both stick to the plan. You need more than a couple of hours peace on a Saturday. 2 hours in the park won't give you that. Make sure he has a plan for if it's raining, otherwise they'll still be under your feet. You need the full day if he's off playing rudgy every Sunday. How well he gets to have time out yet you don't.

A Saturday job in a local supermarket, hotel, for example, will give you a few pounds and some head space if it's possible to find such a job. If you are offered Sunday hours I wouldn't be turning them down just because of his rugby. If needs be, he has to make sacrifices to make your family work.

Make sure that weekend in the travelodge is booked asap so he doesn't change his mind. As for MIL that's a tough one, if she's needing help then there's hardly any point having her there as she may well hinder you. Eldest may not sit quietly doing crafts etc, and you'll still be left managing her. Try it for an afternoon and see how it goes but don't be afraid to put a stop to it if it's extra work for you.

Rather than a job on a Saturday I would get yourself a hobby! If you are home all week looking after the kids why should you also then go out to work at a weekend! I understand it will be good for you to get some adult conversation but you could get that from a hobby instead. If DH plays rugby every Sunday then you should definitely do something every Saturday!!