AIBU to hate my daughter for rejecting her university offer?

[Cherrypea]

The last 3 years of our life have revolved around my daughter’s wish to go to university. She's has loads of anxiety and friendship issues, left 6th form to finish her A levels at college, went back to 6th form, missed loads of school, I've had constant negotiations with her teachers as her attendance was so poor, decorated her bedroom with new furniture so she'd have a nice environment to study in, tiptoed around the house as she's noise adverse, I took the little ones away in May half term so she could have peace and quiet and in the few months leading up to the A levels spent probably £2k on private tutors.
She got good results and accepted at number 1 University.
She doesn't want to go. She says she is not ready, needs to save more money and will go next year. She can't defer so has no guarantee of a place next year as she was under the grades they required.
I know she's anxious and have obviously tried talking to her but she gets annoyed and irrational.
I'm so annoyed, I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me and now I can bearly bring myself to talk to her....

Do you think she has made it this difficult because she didn't really want to go in the first place?

Do you think you have put so much in to this, because it is your dream for her to go?

Do you think you are so angry because you are over-invested in her life and her choices?

YABU to be reacting like this. You need to get a hold of yourself now, unless it's already too late.

You don't hate her, you are angry/disappointed or whatever. IMHO your daughter has made a wise decision in declaring how she feels. She may not get into 'number 1' next year but she may be accepted by another university on a course where she will be happy and fulfilled. Had she taken up the place offered and then found she couldn't hack it for whatever reason, having to leave would have been far more difficult for her and, probably, you. Look forward and support her - she may change enormously over the course of a year.

Hate is too strong, there is already enough pressure on young women, let alone those who have MH issues. You need to sit down and talk and be reasonable, not angry, anger resolves nothing.

She paid for her fees for the first year with her earnings
@stucknoue I can understand you being proud of her for being in a position to do this, but it really wasn’t a very sensible decision. Fee ‘debt’ is t like other debt. Most people never pay it back, it doesn’t affect credit score or mortgage eligibility, it’s more of a graduate tax. That money could have give. Your DD a really good cushion/start when leaving university.
I only say this because people have a fear of student debt which is generally unwarranted.

Please dont judge the child. Let her take the year to work on her anxiety and get herself more ready for university.
I ploughed through uni needing to get good grades only to end up in hospital for attempted suicide during my masters because of depression and anxiety.
I took 2 years for counselling to heal myself before I continued on to my PhD and it ment I could enjoy my study rather than being driven by fear of failure which is probably how your daughter is feeling now.
I work in one of the top universities in the country and I can tell you the undergraduate programs here are tough. Pushing her into it when she's not ready could just lead to her dropping out in a year or worse where she'll end up in a situation like mine.
Please just support her in getting help.

I expect your daughter is very aware that she has had a lot of support to complete her A levels (including private tutoring) and might now be worried about coping alone. She might also be right.
I wouldn't persuade her to go. Let her take a year to mature, work and save some money and think about what she wants to do. True she might not get into the same course (I think you said that she didn't meet the original offer) but she might get on a course which is a good/better fit.

If she goes to university and she’s not ready, for whatever reason, and doesn’t want to be there - the potential waste of time/money is much greater. She’ll be all by herself there. She’s got to be ready. Taking a year out and re-applying is not a disaster, she’ll be fine.

I had a mental breakdown at uni and wasted two years of my life. Won’t write an essay about it, but please believe me. Ended up doing extremely well when my head was in the right place.

I’ve been where you are OP. I didn’t hate my DD but was initially frustrated with the change in plans. I knew mine had cold feet though-she just wasn’t ready to admit it! She’s still thinking about uni at some point but has a job and is paying us a bit of rent.
I’d say back right off and let her choose her own path. A year in work might be good for her and my DD is much happier and less worried for doing this. She’s grown up a lot in the last 12 months.
It’s frustrating for parents-particularly as you have clearly championed her and been very supportive but it’s our job! Have some . In a few weeks the feeling won’t be quite so sharp as they are now. The most important thing is for her to be a well and happy functioning adult.

If she turns it down i'd be expecting her to get a full time job, or move out. Wasting a year would not be an option. You don't get to carry on living like a child if you want to be respected and make adult decisions.

YANBU for feeling disappointed and perhaps a little angry. But HATE? Bit strong.

You didn't mean that you hate her. It's a phrase. You hate the situation, you are feeling angry and frustrated. Pushing her won't help though. I would do what the previous poster said and just take a step back and don't mention it for a couple of weeks. After that make it clear if she isn't going to uni then she needs a job. Don't walk on eggshells around her. She does need to understand the reality of life if she is not going to be in education next year.

She’s an adult. She can make her own choices.
You can go to University at any point in life but the opportunities when you are young go quickly, The three years at Uni could see her three years up the ladder.

Does she actially know what she’d like to do? In the meantime she needs some sort of casual work whilst applying for career jobs.

She sounds like me, I took four years to get my a levels, got to uni and couldn't cope socially, then my grandad died, it all got too much so I dropped out after a year. Fast forward 13 years and it turns out I don't have anxiety and depression, I have autism.

My mum resented me for dropping out, it wasn't my fault though. Your daughter is admirable in her ability to forewarn you that she doesn't think she can do it.

Oh calm down people, OP didn't really mean hate. She is frustrated and understandably so.

OP it may be worth looking more closely at how your DD feels about all of this. Even without MH issues, many people her age emerge from A levels feeling as if they've been blindly going down a conveyor belt system that leads straight to uni. They don't always feel as if they were properly consulted about their readiness or their suitability even for university studies.

It doesn't really matter how mindful you have been about her wishes and her inner feelings, a lot of it is coming from the school.

You have my sympathies and I hope you can quickly find peace with this and continue to support her in whatever she decides.

Please don't hate her. Your daughter's experience sounds very much like my own almost 30 years ago. In the run up to results day I was too scared to tell my parents I wasn't ready to go, I knew exactly how DM would react. I told them the day after results day and the fallout was horrendous - DM told me she hated me and threatened to have a nervous breakdown if I didn't go. After a week of her blanking me and claiming I was dead to her I cracked and said I'd go. So off I went to my very prestigious uni 6 hours from home and it was a disaster because I just wasn't ready. I ended up very ill and in counselling and the experience has cast a shadow over my relationship with DM ever since. Please don't rush her; she needs you. Would she, perhaps next year, be happier somewhere closer to home?

Yabu, you can't control her life. Let her be.

It doesn't sound like she would actually be able to cope with the demands of university anyway.

She clearly has issues, you have to accept them and look for ways to support her, not railroad her down a route she doesn't want.

She probably hates herself enough without her own mother piling on too.

Jeez I'm sure the OP doesn't literally hate her daughter ffs

Yanbu to feel frustrated and annoyed , sounds like you've had tough and stressful time

It sounds as if you’ve given more to your dd than you were really able to give yet it still wasn’t enough to get her ready emotionally to go to university this year. You aren’t responsible for this.

I imagine part of your anger is because you feel as though you gave too much and if still wasn’t enough. Your dd is taking responsibility for herself emotionally more and more now. It is hard to accept. But for your own mental health you do need to take a step back and be there in the background ready to help pick up the pieces.

But this time only giving as much as you were willing to give. You have to look after yourself and your younger children.

Uncalled for, Hithere

You gave too much. And to be honest if she needs that much accommodation then she may not be suited to university. Present the options. Let her choose. If she stays home she gets a job and contributes some to the household. No more tip toeing around. She needs to live in the real world. I think you've killed her and you with kindness. It's really hard op and you did your best.

Contact the uni direct and ask for advice but don't push her, if she's not ready, she'll know that better than anyone else.
I'm sure you don't hate her and you're just upset and angry.
After all, we all want the best for our children but if you look at it rationally, this may not actually be the best thing for her right now

If she goes against her will then it will create more drama and stress when she inevitably drops out

Christ people, Op clearly doesn’t hate her DD but is clearly frustrated and at the end of tether after pandering to her for all these years.

Op, I wouldn’t say anything at all. Back off and tell her it’s her decision. I bet she ends up going. Is she getting some psychological intervention? I think she would benefit from working on developing resilience as university and work are noisy and difficult places.

OP , would you like to swap her for my DD. I really, really wish my DD would take a year out to save a bit of money and also mature a little. She is very young socially and emotionally ( 18 in August)
But I do not hate her for it!