AIBU to hate my daughter for rejecting her university offer?

[Cherrypea]

The last 3 years of our life have revolved around my daughter’s wish to go to university. She's has loads of anxiety and friendship issues, left 6th form to finish her A levels at college, went back to 6th form, missed loads of school, I've had constant negotiations with her teachers as her attendance was so poor, decorated her bedroom with new furniture so she'd have a nice environment to study in, tiptoed around the house as she's noise adverse, I took the little ones away in May half term so she could have peace and quiet and in the few months leading up to the A levels spent probably £2k on private tutors.
She got good results and accepted at number 1 University.
She doesn't want to go. She says she is not ready, needs to save more money and will go next year. She can't defer so has no guarantee of a place next year as she was under the grades they required.
I know she's anxious and have obviously tried talking to her but she gets annoyed and irrational.
I'm so annoyed, I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me and now I can bearly bring myself to talk to her....

[theoriginalmadambee]

If this isn't a reverse, I would advise you to post in the teenager section.

[BlueJava]

YABU - very unreasonable. Hate is such a strong word. Why on earth wouldn't you support her whatever she decides is right for her? You've said nothing bad about her behaviour, just that she's anxious. Calmly talk with her and support whatever she feels is right for her.

[Eustaciavile]

I hear you.

You are not awful, and anyone who says you are needs to walk a mile in your shoes.

One of my DC aged 20, suffers from anxiety and depression and because of this hasn’t studied or worked for over 2 years. DC claims Esa and pip which they fritter away, and never lifts a finger to help the rest of us.

If I ask DC to move out, they say they’ll live on the streets which I can’t risk.

Life is very hard for much of time, I don’t hate my DC, but sometimes I don’t like them much

Good luck

[perfectstorm]

Honestly, if she goes to university in this state she is extremely likely to drop out. It's not got to be THIS SPECIFIC university, after all - and you're looking at a huge amount of debt to study now, so going when unsure is a very foolish financial decision.

I think you're looking at this a tiny bit irrationally too, if I'm honest - you sound like you have been so stressed by supporting her that you're also losing a bit of proportion, which I completely do understand and sympathise with. They say you're only ever as happy as your least happy child, so these last years must have been hellish. But you didn't support her so she could go to university, really, because that wasn't the life stage she was in. You supported her so she could get decent A levels, so she can, if she wants, and when she wants, go to university. You gave her choices in her adult life, and that's what our job is, as parents. You've done your job, and now it has to be up to her. And it makes no odds at all if she goes now, or in a year or two, either. What matters is that she goes when she feels she wants to do so, and that she studies a subject that interests her, because that's when people do well, and can carry a decent degree on with a future.

I appreciate that the last couple of years sound harrowing for you as her mum. But they're over now, and the reality is, she's got to make her own choices about her own life, moving forward. She's 18 and her school years are over. Adult life lies ahead. Sure, she will need love, support and sanctuary, but she has to make her own mistakes and choices, just as we all do.

You haven't wasted all that time, energy and money. She got her A levels. They're not going anywhere, and nor are university places in the years ahead. Give her some credit for managing to finish on target and on time despite serious ill health, and give her some time and space.

I also think you need to remember that she only just got her results, and if they were a little below predictions, then the tension and stress of awaiting them has now had disappointment and a little embarrassment added to the mix. She's not going to be feeling especially sensible right now, because she'll be reacting to all the stress of the past few months of revision, exams, waiting and results. Let her have her summer to decompress, and then see where you are. She may be fine about going in another month. And if she isn't, well, so what? She's 18. A lifetime awaits.

Give yourself some credit. She got there. She got the A levels. I think you could all do with taking a breath and just being relieved the last two years have ended, and with them that level of stress.

[Thoughtlessinengland]

OP be very very careful. She is a young woman with Mental Health issues who’s been under enormous stress and is now feeling conflicted and as though she has let her mother down.

Take a step back. Think of how much worse things might get if she feels any more pressured and stressed in the context of her MH difficulties.

Your stress is more is than understandable. But take a bit step back, and some perspective and just think of what the risks are of putting this young person with MH issues through any more stress, including the sense of letting you down.

[DryHeave]

I’d advise you all to not make any decision yet. Wait and see how she feels. Support her and absolutely do not hate her. It’s the biggest decision she will have made so far in her life, so it’s one to consider carefully. But ultimately she will hate YOU if you force her to do something against her will.

I had an Oxbridge university place and I massively panicked and wanted to turn it down. My parents gave me space and support and after a week or so I felt much happier about taking the place.

[Alsohuman]

This reminds me of a conversation between several parents of teenagers and a couple of us who were older with correspondingly older children. Amidst a lot of handwringing about A levels, grades and university places, we pointed out that you reach a point where kids have to take responsibility for themselves, make their own decisions and live with the consequences. They looked at us as if we’d just landed from another planet.

OP, your daughter isn’t ready. Listen to her. She’s showing self awareness and wisdom. Let her defer, earn some money and grow some confidence. She may go next year, she might not. If she doesn’t, it really isn’t the end of the world.

[LondonJax]

I know you don't mean the word 'hate'. I understand why she wants to defer however and I can also understand why you're angry about that.

Personally I'd be saying to my DC that it's fine to defer (or reapply if the course couldn't defer) BUT everyone's life gets back to normal. Hers, as that's what she wants, but yours and the other members of the family too. So that means no more tiptoeing around because she's noise adverse. She'll have to get that sorted out. If she goes to university or to work she'll have to find a way to handle noise - no one else is going to pussy-foot around whilst she's trying to work or study. It doesn't happen in the real world and she'll have to find coping mechanisms. She won't get far in the world of work (or university) by insisting everyone is quiet. It won't happen and she won't last long in anything if she insists.

If she wants to save money presumably she'll work as it's not your responsibility to save for her - if she's old enough to go to university she's old enough to earn the cash. She wouldn't be sitting around our home twiddling her thumbs for sure.

You've given her the years she needs to achieve this and it's fine to put it on hold if she doesn't feel up to it yet but she's had her time investment from you. It's the turn of the rest of the family and she'll have to work out the rest of it with all of you and take a back seat for a while. That's what being a grown up means.

If she's anxious she needs to get help for that and you'll support in finding that but no more putting her needs ahead of yours or the rest of the family. That's what the last few years have been about - she's had that and now it's time to grow up.

[BreconBeBuggered]

You have to let her take the step back that she's telling you she needs. I had a teen with MH issues and was so relieved and happy for him that he got his first choice university place. I naively imagined this would be a new start for him, which in a way it was. He couldn't wait to go. Thing is, university isn't a solution or a neat ending. Sorting out related difficulties when they're many miles away and you're in the dark about most of it is as traumatic as when they're at home, not to mention much more expensive.

[Cherrypea]

Thanks for the replies, yes hate was the wrong word, frustrated and annoyed really. It was always her asking for quiet, for tutors, for her room to be decorated. She was the one wanting the grades to go, her mock results were U, E, D and she worked hard for her BBC results, she can achieve well when she puts her mind to it. She'd not mentioned the gap year before and I know she's worried. She avoids things because of her anxiety and I think why will next year be any different?
She's had counciling for anxiety in the past but not wanted to go back when I've raised it. She has part time work in a local hairdressers and when she left school in year 12 I talked to her about maybe doing hairdressing at college or something completely different but no she was set on uni. She was offered philosophy and English literature at Liverpool which is about 3 1/2 hours away.

[KTheGrey]

You have done your daughter proud. You have encouraged and supported and given, and now she has got what she needs and you can take some time to nurture yourself.

You have let your life revolve around her for three years; you must seriously need a break and your other children would probably benefit from having some time feeling important. Whatever her next steps, I really hope you will be walking back the "princess" treatment. She is not the only person in your family and everybody else should get some time and tlc too.
Especially you

[Cherrypea]

@BreconBeBuggered I feel for you, I hope things are OK now. I have obviously had these worries myself.

[marvellousnightforamooncup]

Sounds like she's totally milked her status of 'working for uni', and who can blame her when she's been treated like a queen? I admire her that she's felt brave enough to change tack even under such pressure of expectation. That shows she knows her mind but I hope it isn't anxiety that's preventing her.

Taking a year to mature, take stock, get work experience and save up isn't the end of the world. It's better than getting a shit degree and loads of debt.

[Cherrypea]

@Thoughtlessinengland thank you.

[JLouise95]

Fucking right you're unreasonable. I finished uni and my mental health was in tatters and I WANTED to go. Get a grip, she's your daughter and is more important than a piece of paper.

I can also guarantee if she can't get through 2 years of A levels she absolutely won't manage 3 years of unsupported uni. She can have a break, and take it from there.

She probably hasn't wanted to go for ages but couldn't face telling you. Uni isn't the answer to everything and isn't for everyone. If she later decides she's ready to go she could do a foundation year if her grades aren't up to scratch. She has time to decide and come back to it, or not. Frankly I find this disgusting, and I'd give your daughter a hug if I could.

[Hmmmbop]

I can also guarantee if she can't get through 2 years of A levels she absolutely won't manage 3 years of unsupported uni.

I don't think this is true. I found A levels much harder, mentally and emotionally than uni, and uni were much more supportive about my mental health.

I'd be frustrated to OP. And I do wonder if this is her anxiety stopping her rather than her genuinely not wanting to go. Hard one to navigate though. Has she refused her place or does she still have chance to go?

[Durgasarrow]

When my mother was training to be a nurse, she worked in a psychiatric hospital that was full of patients from an Ivy League University. They had been perfect students with perfect grades all their lives. Then they went to a university where they weren't the smartest ones anymore, and they lost their identities and crashed emotionally. In fact, many young people "decompensate" emotionally at ages 18-19--they break down emotionally, or latent mental problems manifest themselves strongly. THe chilling thing is, my mother said, is that a psychiatrist told her that the students who survived to make it to the psychiatric hospital were "lucky." The unlucky ones killed themselves.

[ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule]

Speaking as an almost 40 year old whose parents still hold my teenaged mistakes around my decision to go to uni over my head, please tread carefully. I went to uni because of ridiculous pressure that I put on myself because that's what my parents ultimately wanted. I went for all the wrong reasons and studied all the wrong things. I left with a third: my was life in complete tatters and I was extremely ill. My father didn't say one good thing to me the day I graduated. I don't blame them for what happened as such, but I wish they'd made it so that I could defer for a year and earn some money and generally be in a better place before I went. There was no way they'd have accepted a conversation like that, no way I could've changed my mind and said 'I don't want to go'. Be proud she feels she can say that, it sounds from your updates like you're already proud of her amazing achievement.

Be careful - what you do now and how you support her will shape your relationship going into her adulthood.

[browzingss]

God, you sound overbearing. It’s her life, not yours.

How on earth has your life (especially if you mean the entire family in that) revolved around this over the past 3 years? You sound demanding, like a pushy parent etc. Maybe her problems stem from having you as a mother?

[FernPotts]

Crikey, she must have worked her socks off to bring those mock results up to her current grades. Well done to her.

I’m all in favour of working gap years. DS matured hugely over a spell of real work.

[LondonJax]

And maybe @browzingss if you'd actually read the OP's latest post - just a few sections above your little rant - you'd have seen that the daughter was the one insisting she wanted to go to uni. Her mum (the OP) had suggested college or a hairdressing course as the daughter was interested in that. Try reading before you comment.

[margaritaproblems]

Gosh it sounds like she's under a lot of pressure. Can't you put her mental health first?

[joystir59]

She needs to be left to work it out herself. You can't live her life for her OP

[beachcitygirl]

Ok .first of all ignore all
The haters on here (and I use that deliberately) teenage girls can literally suck the life out of you and/or make you feel so angry that you feel you hate them. It's called anger and anxiety and hyperbole and loads of people do it. Teenage girls and mothers can often be an extremely difficult dynamic.
Of course you don't hate her but I understand you using that word. So
Now to the issue, it's more important that she feels calm and accepted. Don't mention uni for at least 3 weeks as previous poster suggests.
Then have a conversation where she is supported but understands the options.
She can't lie around doing nothing. Parental support in young adulthood is for those studying. She has to get a job and do chores at home &'contribute financially (even if you stick it aside for her )

Meanwhile spoil her a little and try and do some nice stuff together.
Have a hug.

Everyone else bog off and stop being so bitchy to a worried mum clearly at the end of her tether.