AIBU to hate my daughter for rejecting her university offer?

[Cherrypea]

The last 3 years of our life have revolved around my daughter’s wish to go to university. She's has loads of anxiety and friendship issues, left 6th form to finish her A levels at college, went back to 6th form, missed loads of school, I've had constant negotiations with her teachers as her attendance was so poor, decorated her bedroom with new furniture so she'd have a nice environment to study in, tiptoed around the house as she's noise adverse, I took the little ones away in May half term so she could have peace and quiet and in the few months leading up to the A levels spent probably £2k on private tutors.
She got good results and accepted at number 1 University.
She doesn't want to go. She says she is not ready, needs to save more money and will go next year. She can't defer so has no guarantee of a place next year as she was under the grades they required.
I know she's anxious and have obviously tried talking to her but she gets annoyed and irrational.
I'm so annoyed, I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me and now I can bearly bring myself to talk to her....

[Whatafackinliberty]

How popular is she?

[dottiedodah]

I think you should tread carefully here TBH. I understand your frustration with her ,but Uni is quite hard in the first year or so, and many students struggle .Can she get a job for a year ?.It may be she feels "burnt out" and possibly a gap year may help .At the end of the day it is her going not you!.Surely she could go through clearing next year?

[Hithere12]

shockthemonkey

No it isn’t. It’s not far enough. Poor girl. She’s literally deferring entry for a year and her mums writing rants online about hating her.

[RunawayLove]

Hi Sonia

[hellenbackagen]

Op
Breathe!

Step
Away.

My dd got into a really good red brick uni to study occupational health.

After year 1 she was so unhappy and confessed she didn't want to do it anymore.

Both her dad and I said leave then!
She is a bit aimless now but has a great middle management job . They are so young - how can they possibly know what they want for life ?
Let it go . Support her .

[TitianaTitsling]

Oh calm down people, OP didn't really mean hate. She is frustrated and understandably so. Of course this!! Agree some time in the work place and fitting in to day to day family life will hopefully be helpful for her. I understand ops frustration if everyone had to 'tiptoe around her' and her younger siblings had to leave in order to give her the environment she requested to study.

[RunawayLove]

If she turns it down i'd be expecting her to get a full time job, or move out. Wasting a year would not be an option. You don't get to carry on living like a child if you want to be respected and make adult decisions.

Get a full time job or move out? How is she going to move out without any income? You don't sound very nice. Perhaps she should spend the year getting some intensive therapy for her anxiety etc, and a part-time job.

[ProperVexed]

For what it's worth, OP, I'm in a very similar position with my DS. I want to bloody slaughter him whilst still understanding that it's his life and he's not ready. I'm utterly disappointed given all the opportunity he is wasting ( and the effort we as a family have put into his studies. You are being criticised for the "hate" word......I'm sure you don't mean it, but I understand. I'm with you (wine is the short term answer for me)

[Goatrider]

I think you should be very proud of what she has achieved and how sensible she is being in suggesting deferring for a year.

I honestly don't understand your feelings at all and I've gone through very similar with my DC

[rdef]

Is she cut out for university? It sounds like she feels under pressure to academically perform. It also sounds like she's flip-flopping between things because age honestly doesn't know what to do, or how to do it.

I think university is not the issue. Her anxiety is. Is that being addressed?

[PassMeAnotherCoffee]

I'm not surprised you are frustrated.

How long can she hold off making the decision for this year? I would ask her to wait as long as she can.

If she does decide not to go I'd say to her that she has to do something with the year and she needs to finance it herself. Whether that's getting a job and paying her way at home or getting a job abroad and travelling is up to her. Staying at home doing nothing while all her friends are away won't be good for her anxiety either.

Good luck!

[proseccoaficionado]

I can completely see where you are coming from, however, "hate" is a terrible word and it shouldn't be used so lightly.

I shall give myself as an example: I did my first university degree at the right time and I loved it. I also got an Erasmus year in Spain besides the degree in the UK. It was such a great life experience living in two other countries (I came from Europe to study in the UK). However, that degree wasn't particularly useful so I had to do my second and I trained as a lawyer.

Where I'm trying to get is: I sometimes wish I had a year in between high school and uni to properly asses what I want to do in life.

Her mental health seems to be fragile. Let her stick around for a year (working, of course) and then decide what to do. As a matter of fact, I know plenty of successful people who never went to uni, though I do tend to disagree- university can be eye opening.

Best of luck, OP

[Dylaninthemovies1]

@Cherrypea. You’re so over invested and intense here. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s contributing to her anxiety. Yabu to hate her. Back off a wee bit and stop making it life or death

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Two things concern me about your OP.

1. Your use of the word 'hate'. Yes of course YABVVU to hate her for not doing as she's told.

1. "I'm so annoyed, I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me and now I can bearly bring myself to talk to her...."

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. Honestly, it is crystal clear that you have put your daughter under extreme pressure to perform. The tutors. The taking the siblings away so she could study. The look-at-what-I-am-doing-to make-this-happen. It's all there. As is her anxiety and poor attendance and 'friendship issues' (bullying/ghosting?) . But you don't seem to have joined the dots.

I'm sure your dismissing my comments as cruel and what-does-she-know, but seriously - you stated you hate a teenager racked by anxiety for having the temerity to try to dial back that which is the cause of her anxiety?

"I know she's anxious and have obviously tried talking to her but she gets annoyed and irrational."
Does she get annoyed and irrational? Is what you are reading as 'annoyed' actually fear and dread that you're pressuring her again? Is your idea of irrational her repeating that she doesn't want to go?

Back off. Give her space. Don't drive an even bigger wedge into your relationship.

[PositiveVibez]

I only say this because people have a fear of student debt which is generally unwarranted

Yes off thread a little sorry, but this is so true.

Please look up Martin Lewis's explanation of student debt. It is very informative and rather eye openeing.

[Maryscary008]

I understand how you feel. Hate is far too strong a word and I really hope you don't but I have frustrations with my 18 year old regarding university at the moment and it is driving me up the wall with stress. We both need to disengage and let them make mistakes although it is really hard and incredibly demoralising/depressing.

[FVFrog]

It will be a disaster if she is pushed to go and is not the right place mental health wise. Nothing is important as your daughters mental health as without that everything else is just noise. I empathise with your frustrations I really do as I have been there. It will not work if she is not ready. DD tried and failed. After working for 2 years, getting herself the support and help she needed she is now applying to go next year at the age of 21. She will be ready, it will be challenging but she now really WANTS to go. Your DD will find her way, give her the time and get her the support she needs because I know how tough it is

[HaileySherman]

Aye, poor kid's got anxiety and you say you hate her? I think you need to get a grip mum. You know what is best for her, but at her age it's not enough. You need to convince her to know what is best for herself and then she needs to be responsible for herself. I get it. I got 16 and 17 year old girls. One is #1 in class, the other in the top 10. No small feat with class sizes of 350-400. My point in mentioning that is because I have a theory that if they were just a little dumber (for lack of a better word lol) they wouldn't necessarily overthink EVERY SINGLE THING to the point of anxiety. Their life (and mine by extension) would be so much easier.

Unfortunately, at their age, if they won't listen to you, there's not too much you can do. Keep laying out the facts for her. She's going to make her decision and then have to live with it. And even if it's a decision you think is SO WRONG, it's not the end of the world. She'll still be the smart girl you raised, and reaching her goals might just take a couple extra years. You'll be ok. She'll be ok. Lay off. And please stop saying you hate her. You know that is not true, but she might not.

[EmmiJay]

Ok there are obviously ALOT of posters on here with toxic parents and are jumping on one little expression. Of course, OP doesn't really hate her DD, shes most likely shocked and has anxiety about it all herself. I agree with what several posters have said about 'go uni or you have to leave.' If shes grown up enough to make a decision about her education then shes grown up enough to do grown up things like looking after herself under her own roof.

[redcarbluecar]

I get why you’re angry. However, it’s probably best to try and accept her decision to save money and go next year. If she goes to uni unwillingly she may well drop out, which would cause more hassle and possibly exacerbate her anxiety and your emotional turmoil. She could be absolutely right that she’s not ready yet.

[skybluee]

You sound overinvested.

I don't know if you've done this but I was pushed into a university course I didn't want to do. I really didn't want to do it, I made it so so clear and it ended up with me being in hospital because I got so unwell.

It shouldn't be making you ill - maybe try to relax a bit and back off. Leave things a few days, then see what she wants to do. What are her plans? Does she want to work for a year/a GAP year?

Please don't be harsh on her. It sounds like she's struggling and that the last few years have been hard.

[Bookworm4]

I think everyone needs to put the hate word aside, OP is right to be fuming, she has pandered to and revolved everything round this particular DC wishto go to uni, her DD has faffed and time wasted now this, I’d be bloody annoyed!
DD says she needs to save more, is she planning to get a ft job? She must be 18, I certainly wouldn’t allow her to sit about for a year.

[madcatladyforever]

She isn't ready to go it's as simple as that. I really don't think you should bully her any more because it sounds as if that is what you are doing.
If you make her go when she doesn't want to she will not do the work and it will be more wasted money. I didn't go at 18 but went at 40 when I really wanted to study and it was much better.
Make it clear that if she isn't going to university that she will have to support herself and get a job that it will not be a year off doing sod all. And also that you will not be doing any more to help her go next year, that this is her decision and if she doesn't get in next year then that's her problem. She is a grownup now and must lump the outcome of the mistakes she makes.
She is an adult now and needs to make adult decision - job or university.
Our children don't always slot right into our expectations, they do have their own lives and needs and university isn't everything.
YABVU to hate her for it.