AIBU to hate my daughter for rejecting her university offer?

[Cherrypea]

The last 3 years of our life have revolved around my daughter’s wish to go to university. She's has loads of anxiety and friendship issues, left 6th form to finish her A levels at college, went back to 6th form, missed loads of school, I've had constant negotiations with her teachers as her attendance was so poor, decorated her bedroom with new furniture so she'd have a nice environment to study in, tiptoed around the house as she's noise adverse, I took the little ones away in May half term so she could have peace and quiet and in the few months leading up to the A levels spent probably £2k on private tutors.
She got good results and accepted at number 1 University.
She doesn't want to go. She says she is not ready, needs to save more money and will go next year. She can't defer so has no guarantee of a place next year as she was under the grades they required.
I know she's anxious and have obviously tried talking to her but she gets annoyed and irrational.
I'm so annoyed, I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me and now I can bearly bring myself to talk to her....

I think you are feeling a bit fed up and annoyed about it, understandably. Obviously you don't hate your daughter or you wouldn't have gone to all the bother for the last few years. Unfortunately some posters aren't capable of seeing past you using that word so they aren't going to say anything sensible.

Really, there isn't anything you can do if she doesn't want to go. As some posters say, a year out can give young people a needed chance to mature and make university a better experience the following year. Also, a year really isn't a lot in the big scheme of things. If she doesn't get into the course she wants most now again, does she have the grades to get into similar?

‘Hate’

I think you need to calm down before looking at this with fresh eyes so you can talk to her reasonably. You can’t force her and if you try you’ll risk putting her off university for life.

Universities aren't necessarily great places to be if your mental health is poor. The support available is highly variable.

It's likely to be better for her to go to university (if she chooses to) when she feels up to it - if she goes now anyway when she doesn't want to, she's more likely to give up on the course part way through.

She needs to have a look at Disabled Students' Allowance - the funding available to support disabled students, including those with mental health problems and work on getting that support put in place, if/when she wants to go to uni.

Deferring / withdrawing and applying again is a much less expensive error than going and leaving the course part way through.

A gap year to work on her health / work / do further study etc. isn't a bad plan, but sounds like you need to consider how you run your household in a more balanced way accommodating everyone's needs rather than being overly focused on hers.

The work and money involved in getting her academically ready for University will never be wasted.

She is now sending an important signal that she is not emotionally ready. That's the next bit of preparation for you both.

If she goes before she is ready all that time and effort will be wasted because the probability of her dropping out will be high and the long term impact of her mental wellbeing will not be good.

You may 'hate' the decision she's made, but surely you don't 'hate' her?

This is all new to her, and scary. Perhaps take a few days to calm down (all of you) and then try to discuss it again. Maybe she's just scared shitless about Uni life and the pressures that Uni brings. Ask her why she feels unready in a calm and caring manner. Not in an accusatory "I'm going to mow down your excuses" way.

If you badger and force her to go when she doesn't feel ready you run the risk of her 'bombing out' and giving it up forever. Allowing her a gap year to 'feel ready' could be the difference between a degree and never going back. Even if she has to go to a different Uni, she needs to be ready wherever she's placed.

I understand you've invested a lot to get her to what both you and she thought she wanted and now she doesn't want it you feel resentful. I get that. But 'hating' her is a bit strong and I don't think you really mean it. Can you sit down with her and sensibly discuss her options going forwards? What does she plan to do this year if not go to uni?

Yes YABU. BUT....give her a gentle ultimatum (as she's just sounds like she's got cold feet)...outline over a kitchen table conversation with her and both you and your husband (if you've got one), don't raise voices keep calm say you've both got something to tell her and when you're done she can speak. Outline what would be required of her if she were to stay home compared to university. Make the university option look as appealling as possible over staying home and having to pay rent and bills. Make it known to her it's your house and your rules, you've been considerate to her now she needs to do the same.

It's understandable to be annoyed or frustrated with her but to say you hate her is absolutely horrible.

It's not about you. Instead of hating the poor girl why not try and help her with what's making her anxious. By the sounds of it you'll be adding to her stress

I think she needs to meet some students who will be starting in September.

From what you’ve said it sounds like she’s quite lonely in this and so knowing just one other person there could make a huge difference.

Studentroom forum usually has threads for each uni, she could try that to get her started? Maybe sell it to her as a ‘see what others are doing for work’ kind of thing.

Nothing has been wasted, she’s done the work and got the results. If she wants a gap year before starting uni then she’s only doing what thousands of other students are doing. It sounds like a good decision for her.

Don’t be ridiculous.

It’s perfectly understandable that she’s anxious, worried and scared of the next step.

I’d encourage her to accept anyway and see how she feels as the weeks go on. But be supportive. Her mental health is far more important than anything else and waiting a year if that’s what’s best isn’t the end of the world.

A lot of 18 year olds could do with a year to grow up before going to university. If she's had anxiety issues preventing her from attending school, a year to 'move on' rather than jumping straight into a new educational environment could be very helpful.

She says she wants to save more money, so that implies she's planning on a getting a job. Charge her rent if you want, and encourage her to put money aside so that she can concentrate on her studies at uni.

Yabu. She did it, got her A levels. That is what everything was done for and for her to achieve. What she does from here is up to her. I also think hate is an awful word to use and to say you can bearly bring yourself to talk to her? Please take a step back. Mentally it's almost killed me well you can sympathise with how she is probably feeling then. She's done so well please be happy for her.

I'm not surprised she has anxiety.

Been in that place. DD didn't go, and I imagine would have left course mid way. Had a hopeless moping phase, got a job, then decided to apply for a completely different degree.
Can't say its not been hard work having her live at home, especially with younger siblings - I can utterly sympathise that maybe you were looking forward to a breather.
The way I see it is it's my job to provide what my children need, and that support comes in lots of shapes and forms. Give her space, let her decide (as someone else said don't say very much at all! - fuel to the fire etc) but let her know that you are there for her whatever she decides. Guilt on top of anxiety won't be great.

And breathe! As pp said. She may well calm down and decide to go anyway. Anxiety is infectious, it sounds as if you've caught a bit from her. Agree that the "you push / she resists" dynamic isn't good. Have confidence and show confidence to her that she will make the right decision for herself - and that no-one else (not even you!) can tell her what that right decision is.

Speaking as a graduate who took some time out myself, and a university academic tutor who's seen an assortment of students including those with MH issues, and a parent of a graduate... it's not the end of the world if she doesn't go straight away. Getting a job, even a very basic job, could be very good for her. It will give her a bit of maturity and independence and self confidence without the pressures of school. And it's not the end of the world even if her first choice university doesn't have a place for her next year. Somewhere else will.

She missed her grades despite 2k spent on tutoring? Maybe she isn't feeling up to it. If she worked like stink and still didn't reach the required standard maybe she's making a mature decision.

I would say leave her be. I was pushed by my parents and ended up in a job I hated and in a city I didn’t want to live. She will get there, it may just take a bit longer than others

Firstly she getting help for her anxiety? Secondly she's panicking. She's doing what all people with anxiety do which is putting things off, not facing up to stuff because its easier, catastrophizing. I know because I suffered severe anxiety for years. The only thing that made me better was by facing up to stuff and going outside my comfort zone but that might be better done where people can support her.. So if she's not going to university she needs to get a job and she needs to spend the next year building her confidence and getting well so she can go next year.

Oh come on people, really! It’s obvious she doesn’t hate her why do some people take things so bloody literally, Jesus.

She is clearly a loving and supportive mum who is understandably disappointed and venting on here rather than at her daughter.

She can have a year off surely? I expect you feel she has had lots of time already but she has achieved the desired results - good for her - and doesn't yet feel ready for uni. She can defer her place.

Finfintytint
She is sending you a very clear message that she is not ready emotionally which must have taken a lot of guts to admit bearing in mind the efforts you have all put in.
Would going a year later be so bad?
-----
I agree with Finfintyint.

I know you don't really hate her, you're just frustrated. Here you are . This won't last forever.

Her anxieties sound debilitating and like they have put quite a burden on the family. I’m guessing you had sort of focused on her going to uni as a proxy in some ways for her “getting over” her anxieties and being healthy? Not to mention, of course, it’s normal symbolism as a step toward maturity and growing up. So I can see how her turning it down might look a bit like a rejection of all the work you put into getting her to that stage.

But it sounds like she hasn’t got better with her anxiety. Getting into uni isn’t a sign of improved mental health. If you’ve had to do so much to get her to this point she’s probably right that she’s not ready. She isn’t going to have self-less housemates at uni who will keep the noise down, help her set up her workspace just right, intercede with her lecturers, find her help when she’s struggling etc. She probably needs to be at a place where she doesn’t need that sort of support.

Take a deep breath and see if you can refocus your goal oriented approach to getting her through her exams into helping her beat her anxiety. It sounds like you put a lot of resources into her A level success but that won’t be worthwhile if you don’t do the same with her mental health.

Is she seeing someone about her anxiety? You mention a lot of things you do to help her avoidthings she doesn’t like, but not what you’ve been doing to help her fight her anxiety so it is no longer a burden for her. Generally speaking, avoidance makes anxiety worse, not better (not that you should rush headlong into situations that make you anxious, but you shouldn’t avoid them either). I think you need to find a good therapist and push her to push herself to overcome it over the next year or so. It will do far more for her in terms of helping her have a happy life than getting her through her A levels.

It probably seems daunting and you’ve been doing so much for her and you thought this was the point at which you could turn your attention to your younger ones, but it sounds like she still needs you. Don’t let the frustration and disappointment get you down. But also, if you’ve been treating it as a special situation that you’ve been prepared sacrifice other things for because you thought it was time limited - stop. Rebalance everything. You all have needs that should be met. It’s hard to treat others with kindness if your own needs are neglected.

Drop the rope.

It sounds like she got to this point by a lot of pushing and supporting and facilitating from you and she wasn't always a willing participant: that can't go on forever. She has to find it in herself to do whatever she wants to do. She needs to find ways to solve her own problems, anxiety included if that is her main barrier. And that may mean to start with that you let her sit with situations long enough that she starts to sort herself instead of wait for you to push her there.

I agree very much about be clear this will not be a year surfing the net and watching box sets, either it's a year off with a real plan on how to spend it or a job. But you need to stand back now and let her start motivating herself.