AIBU to hate my daughter for rejecting her university offer?

[Cherrypea]

The last 3 years of our life have revolved around my daughter’s wish to go to university. She's has loads of anxiety and friendship issues, left 6th form to finish her A levels at college, went back to 6th form, missed loads of school, I've had constant negotiations with her teachers as her attendance was so poor, decorated her bedroom with new furniture so she'd have a nice environment to study in, tiptoed around the house as she's noise adverse, I took the little ones away in May half term so she could have peace and quiet and in the few months leading up to the A levels spent probably £2k on private tutors.
She got good results and accepted at number 1 University.
She doesn't want to go. She says she is not ready, needs to save more money and will go next year. She can't defer so has no guarantee of a place next year as she was under the grades they required.
I know she's anxious and have obviously tried talking to her but she gets annoyed and irrational.
I'm so annoyed, I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me and now I can bearly bring myself to talk to her....

[Mothership4two]

She isn't saying she doesn't want to go, just that she wants a gap year to prepare. She may need that extra time. Is she a Summer baby? Better an extra year, than going and not coping and having to drop out. It must be annoying after everything you have done. I do understand as we have gone though something similar with my ds.

When she does go, it might be an idea to find out what support she can get from her uni - they are much more switched on now to students' mental welfare. Also, some uni's offer 'quiet' areas in halls of residence - as she is noise adverse. I would subtly keep tabs on her if she has had attendance problems in the past.

I am surprised she cannot defer if she has had an offer of a place. But then I may be a bit out of touch. Uni's tend to be happier with actual grades than potential ones, so she may get more choice if she reapplies.

[expat101]

Our Daughter finished Uni last year and is relieved to be out of the system. There were considerable numbers of dropouts along the way so I don't think it's for everyone. Some people don't handle the transition very well either. So it's good your Daughter is recognising this might not be right for her at this point in time.

I can understand after doing above and beyond to support your Daughter this far, that you feel frustrated and disappointed. I think had I been in your shoes, I would ask her what her ''plan of attack'' was for the coming year. Ie no lazying about the house, what is her Plan B.

I'm also mindful of one of my Daughter's friend's who was ''pushed'' by her parents into doing a uni paper she did not want to do and 8 months after everyone else has finished Uni, is still at uni trying to catch up on other papers for a completely different degree, still not happy because M & D could not accept she just wanted to cook. I guess what I am saying is this all has to be your Daughter's choice...

Good luck!

[MrsC45]

It is so frustrating when you feel you 'know' a better way, and perhaps you are thinking how you wish you'd done x, y and z better for yourself and if only your child would listen!!! However, she is old enough to make her own decisions with support and guidance from you, and a year out being a grown up should hopefully help her make the most of university when she is ready for it. I would however set some ground rules. I'd insist she got a job and I'd make her pay rent, which I would put aside for her for uni money. I'd say if you make her go at this stage you run an increase risk she'll drop out, and that would be a worse situation in my view. Take a deep breath. Good luck.

[IHateUncleJamie]

@Cherrypea my dd suffers with anxiety and the worry I feel for her is tiring and can manifest itself as anger (never in her presence, obviously). She is just starting her 2nd year at Oxbridge and the support from the DSA, uni DAS and her college has been amazing. Even so, last term with exams was extremely stressful and the only things that kept her going were the fact that she’s a year older than her peers AND we are only 1.5 hours away.

I think the first thing you need to do with your dd is get a diagnosis from her GP. Once she has that, she can access support from the DSA. Then I would sit her down and see if together you can work out whether this is a blip caused by anxiety and fear of leaving home, or whether she’s 100% sure she wants a year out. Counselling would be so beneficial for her and part of being an adult is taking responsibility for our own health so she does need to start doing this.

Has she rejected her place on UCAS or not yet, and if not, did she apply to any unis that would allow her to live at home?

[TheoneandObi]

First I’d be surprised if she can’t defer giving her sensible reasons - unless it’s Oxbridge. But if her grades are good she’ll
get offers if she reapplies. Unis love applicants who ha e their results in the bag. Takes away a level of uncertainty.

[R2G]

Gaah tough for you and well done to you both for getting through A levels. Mental health can be really frustrating from the outside, it can look like selfish, self centred, dismissive. It isn't. First of all - take a step back now and soend some time enjoying life, have you guys celebrated the a levels? Maybe a little spa day together? Perhaps your daughter might like to explore a different environment as a toe into HE? SHe could do a foundation year of a degree at a local FE college, smaller classes, stay at home, and lots of pastoral support.
She can then transfer to uni for the next two years or even on to a higher apprenticeship.
It will all come out in the wash, ficus on you now. Anger is poison. She's not doing it on purpose and you both have got to A level point so all the doors are still open now and in the future x

[JamieVardysHavingAParty]

OP, read ypur post through again objectively.

If it has taken that much emotional and financial support from you to get her through her A-levels, do you really think she'll thrive at university in less than a month's time?

I can see you were focused on the finish-line of getting her to this point, but it A-levels aren't a finish-line. They're a gateway to the next academic marathon.

You've both done well to get here. But now she needs a break to rest.

[Pepperama]

I think given the level of support she needed to get through A-levels and that she doesn’t feel ready, you shouldn’t push her now. It’s not now or never, a good university is still going to take her a year or two down the line. But university is not an easy environment. It’s fab if you’re into everything and can make full use of what’s on offer, but it can also be quite lonely and very stressful if you’re not well.

[TheoneandObi]

@JamieVardysHavingAParty this is so true. You'd also be spoiling the ship for a ha'porth of tar by insisting she goes to uni if she's not ready.

[twinklystar23]

Yes, hate is a strong word, can't say I've felt to that extent, wanted to wring their necks, kick them out in moments of fury!! As many other parents with young people of this age.

My son was fine, went to uni, had no history of anxiety any mental health issues whatsoever, ended up having a mental health breakdown and being sectioned, I can honestly say it was the most traumatising experience as a parent and I would hope that it will never happen to another. My friends daughter did much like your daughter, she drove her to all the open days, but she withdrew at the last minute, no plan she's now going (2yrs later) and really positive about it.

Op, take a very deep breath, your daughter has done an incredibly brave thing to tell you this, believe me, she will benefit from your acceptance and support, she will be in a much better place with some time out. There's so much pressure on them, and they mature a bit more once they have a job, and start to gain some independence.

You've supported her up to now, and understandably have been invested in her achievements. Though she's an adult now, you will not help her by putting her under pressure to live up to your expectations. Time to take a step back (I say this in the nicest way) they need us there when they fuck up (sometimes repeatedly!!) Thought it got easier !! no chance.

[TheoneandObi]

And having watched friends’ children drop
Out with debts trailing behind them, it’s not a thing to rush and get wrong

[cannockcandy]

I agree with a lot of comments here. Using the word hate is disgraceful! She is making the best decision for herself mentally.
I wonder which of you made the decision for this particular uni. For this particular course. Reign in the pressure and instead give her support.
If she was my child she would either be at uni or work. Those would be the to choices available for my child.

[FrameyMcFrame]

@Cherrypea

I totally empathise with you as I'm going though similar problems but not exactly the same.

The last 2 years have been the hardest part of parenting so far.

I've been sick with stress over A levels and uni applications, grade predictions, UCAS, open days, interviews, accommodation choices, results day, clearing, more interviews, more accommodation choices


It is VERY stressful for parents and to those who haven't been through this process yet and are saying that the op is BU... you may be surprised when the time comes to find how terribly stressful all of this is!

And, doing all this whilst at the same time learning to let go, negotiate boundaries for an 18 year old and the arguments and assertions of independence that can occur whilst still living in the family house
Not to mention the affect it may have on younger siblings.

The op is trying her very best for her DD and for her future...this is an incredibly important choice and her DD may regret this decision.

Op said it's not possible to defer this course.
So no guarantees that this opportunity won't be lost forever.

[expat101]

FrameyMcFrame if you think that is bad, just wait until Uni is close to finishing and the job hunting begins! The psychometric testing they put grads through for job applications is incredible and in our DD's case, occurred bang on studying for finals time. Lots of businesses couldn't be bothered to share the results or provide feedback as to how things went. Ours was ''lucky'' her hard work paid off and she was offered something very interesting and well paid, but a lot were not and are left with huge student debt.

Sometimes going to Uni isn't what it's cracked up to be...

[augustagain]

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-7396219/Mother-slammed-saying-HATES-daughter-wanting-gap-year-university.html

The Daily Mail have got this story now.

[RedCowboyBoots]

Huh. You'd think they'd have taken the time to explain what yabu means.

[FrameyMcFrame]

Oh no

[becauseIcare]

Please let your daughter enjoy a gao year and be ready to go. I know it is difficult but you have to respect her with and not take it personally. It took a lot of courage for her to tell you and you must accept her decision without her feeling the bad person
I think you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself how much you wanted this too and now the road is not straight it has thrown you. Young people are so pressured it is frightening and this is reflected in the high mental health issues we are experiencing which sadly results in suicide in some cases. I Know two people who’s 20 year olds are no longer here. Sorry to be dramatic but it is a consideration for you. Open up communication with her and start to show her your love beyond A levels and university.
Next year will be here before you know it.
Good luck

[PhilCornwall1]

Hate is a strong word. Both my boys have pissed me off to a huge degree over the years, I'd never hate them, just had a strong dislike for them at the time. That passed rapidly.

Turn around to her and say if she isn't going to university, she gets up off her arse and gets a job. She can't spend the next X months doing bugger all, life doesn't work that way.

[Tellmetruth4]

I don’t believe the OP actually hates her daughter at all and all of those who are attacking her for it are being disingenuous. She’s understandably incredibly frustrated and is ranting is all. People need to have the opportunity to scream and kick off sometimes.

OP, let the dust settle for a bit. Let everything calm down on both sides as you’re both working yourselves up and to be honest I can see where she may get her anxiety from as you are both putting yourselves under immense pressure to achieve goals.

She’s probably having some sort of panic attack and needs some time to think. Does she know anyone in first year at uni to talk to? They can explain how things work as she’s probably exaggerated how hard it will be in her head. In my experience, the first couple of terms of uni were easier than my last year of A Levels.

As an aside, you have done a great deal to prop her up for her A Levels. Have you ever let her fail or have you always rescued her because she’s sensitive? Have you allowed her to build up resilience to challenges?

She also probably feels guilty about the amount of effort you’ve put in to get her through A Levels and is scared it will be 3 years of the same which will cause the rest of the family stress. She probably doesn’t want to do that to you all.

[WheelDecide]

I don't think it has to be either Philosophy/English degree or hairdressing. Why hairdressing?

[GoFiguire]

So, did she go?

[TheresAFuckOverThere]

Let's all jump on OP when she is being honest on an anonymous forum. Yes it is possible to feel hate for your child. It is possible to be disappointed in their choices, especially when you have made sacrifices to help them on their way.

OP is asking for help, that's why she's posting.

[Idontwanttotalk]

"I'm so annoyed, I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me and now I can bearly bring myself to talk to her...."
YABVVU.

You are over-invested in this to the degree that you care far more about your daughter going to university than you do about her happiness and her state of mind.

You care more about her doing what you want rather than what she wants.

You cannot live vicariously through your child. If she went to a top university and was awarded a really good degree it does not reflect on you in the slightest. She is the one that puts in the hard work.

Why does this mean so much to you? You hate your daughter for turning down her university offer? You can hardly bring yourself to talk to her? Those are extremely strong reactions that, if you don't sort out will, in the fullness of time, destroy your relationship with your daughter.

You need help and counselling to deal with your issues. Do not try and persuade, encourage or cajole your daughter to give in to your will. That would be controlling. Your daughter is an adult and should be left to make her own decisions and you should support her in whatever she decides.

Please don't be that toxic, controlling mother that your daughter comes on MN complaining about in the future asking whether she should cut contact with.