AIBU to hate my daughter for rejecting her university offer?

[Cherrypea]

The last 3 years of our life have revolved around my daughter’s wish to go to university. She's has loads of anxiety and friendship issues, left 6th form to finish her A levels at college, went back to 6th form, missed loads of school, I've had constant negotiations with her teachers as her attendance was so poor, decorated her bedroom with new furniture so she'd have a nice environment to study in, tiptoed around the house as she's noise adverse, I took the little ones away in May half term so she could have peace and quiet and in the few months leading up to the A levels spent probably £2k on private tutors.
She got good results and accepted at number 1 University.
She doesn't want to go. She says she is not ready, needs to save more money and will go next year. She can't defer so has no guarantee of a place next year as she was under the grades they required.
I know she's anxious and have obviously tried talking to her but she gets annoyed and irrational.
I'm so annoyed, I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me and now I can bearly bring myself to talk to her....

[Oddgirlout]

One way to think about it is that the a levels will always stand. All that hard work and nurture that you did means she got good a levels that will allow her choices. Ultimately choices might mean she waits a year but she will be able to go then, or not, but she has those qualifications always now. You did not do it all for nothing xx

[simbobs]

Agree that hate is too strong a word, but you came on here to unburden yourself of your frustration that your personal investment in her future has been rejected. I think I would probably have felt the same way in your situation, but at the end of the day it does sound as though she is not ready in all sorts of ways. Your best strategy now would be to step back and let her work things out for herself. Remember that she is legally an adult, so entitled to make her own decisions, but she should find a way to make this year mean something and then reapply.
Regarding deferring, my understanding was that you had to get the asking grades. If the uni made an offer despite a lower attainment they are not obliged to take a student next year.
Good luck, though. At the end of the day she is still your little girl.

[Pinkblueberry]

OP unless your daughter chops of your toe while your sleeping or similar you are definitely unreasonable for ‘hating’ her.

[gamerchick]

That's fine, if she's not ready she's not ready. I'd stop with the world revolving around her now though and be clear it's time to get a job so she can contribute to the household. Don't mention university again.

Can't wipe their arses forever, it does then no favours.

[Topseyt]

you could tell her she has to go to Uni or move out

I don't think that would be a great idea as the OP's DD has anxiety. That would surely make it worse.

[IsAStormApproaching]

YABU

It's your job as a parent to put your children first, so you helped support your child through her education like you should have when you become a parent.

I your dd is not ready to go to university and is struggling with anxiety, then their is no point in forcing her into an even more stressful situation.
I would rather my child get well and then focus on their education. Rather than them take a university place- due to my pressure and potentially have a breakdown/ crumble under so much pressure and being emotionally unwell.

Support your adult child with the decision they make in their life.

[Pinkblueberry]

I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me

You ‘hate’ your daughter and you almost died getting her into university... are you always this over the top??

[Labassecour]

That's fine, if she's not ready she's not ready. I'd stop with the world revolving around her now though and be clear it's time to get a job so she can contribute to the household. Don't mention university again.

Yes, I think this, and whoever said up the thread to take a big step back and not mention a word about university for three weeks. The dynamic that you're the one 'pushing' it and she's 'resisting' isn't helping either her decision or your relationship.

And I think you should go into a field and scream or rip a cushion apart with your hands to release a bit of understandable frustration.

[IamtheOA]

What's the university and the course?

If she's not ready, she's not ready.

She has great A levels, they will be with her for life, so she'll still have them if she decides to go to university at a different time, or take a degree apprenticeship....

[BooksAreMyOnlyFriends]

It would be worse if she started the course and had to stop. I think having a year break sounds sensible and she's obviously thinking clearly about what she wants.

I totally get the frustration though. It's not easy getting them to this point so it can feel like it's never going to end.

Just try and feel happy that you've done an amazing job getting her to this stage. It's something to be celebrated. Lots of kids with anxiety etc take a lot longer to get the GCSE and A levels done.

[milliefiori]

All of the thoughtful things you have done for her have paid off: she got good grades and her first choice. Those grades won't go away. She can reapply next year to any uni that wants those grades.

Honestly, if she's not ready, she's not ready. Social anxiety is exacerbated at uni, she could end up really mentally ill if she can't handle it. Much better to take a year, grow up a bit, gain confidence, earn some money to cushion the expenses. It's mature of her to make these plans.

Don't feel your efforts or hers are being squandered. This could be the best decision she makes. When she goes next year, she will be more confident, mature, wealthy and ready and able to learn and make friends.

[TonTonMacoute]

I totally get your huge frustration and have had friends who have been through similar. It all worked out fine in the end!

Even though she cannot defer her place, reapplying next year with known grades, will be much less stressful for her and everyone else, and she may well feel much happier and more resilient this time next year.

Least said soonest mended really does often work in situations like this. Take a deep breathe and have a large and don't discuss it any further with her over the bank holiday. Welcome to the world of parenting adults!

[PeevedNiamh]

My parents did 'go or move out' with me and I'm glad they did. I was just having last minute nerves. That said I'm sure there's a gentler way!

[pumpkinpie01]

If you think it almost killed you how do you think your DD felt , revising night after night and worrying about grades and failing ? Cut her some slack , she is an adult you can't make her go and if you force the issue she will resent you. Leave it a while if she doesn't start job hunting for the year off then offer help. She obviously isn't ready to go and that's fine. You can't force the issue.

[ptumbi]

I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me - do you always invest so much that it 'nearly kills you'?

Does she always have to do what you want her to do? How abaout letting her decide what she needs to do for her Mental Health, and her Life?

Controlling, much?

[Perunatop]

I do think hate is too strong a word. In your position I would try to persuade her not to reject the offer at this stage but to take time to think about it. Maybe take her to visit the uni town/city so she gets a bit of a feel for it. Are any of her friends going to same uni? She could perhaps talk to them. I am out of touch with UCAS/uni formalities but if she has to accept or not then I would encourage acceptance with option of later changing her mind. Difficult as it is try to avoid showing your feelings or expressing your disappointment as this definitely will not help.

[Crinkle77]

Err yes!

[Purpleartichoke]

I would be furious.

Obviously she can defer, but I would not support her financially. If she wants to live in your home she needs to pay rent, utilities and food. Subsidizing is for people engaging in their education.

[IAmcuriousyellow]

You don’t hate her, you know that. You hate the situation because you’re worn out. But if she can get such a good offer this year she’ll get another next year, and the year out of education to decompress from the pressure, and grow a bit, will be all to the good, you’ll see. Give yourself credit for helping her like you did, and also be patient with yourself for feeling deflated and disappointed that the expected outcome hasn't come out yet.

[bevelino]

OP, let your dd take a gap year. 2 of my dds were all set to go to university and for various reasons bailed out and took a gap year.

The year out did them the power of good and both matured. Dd4 is off to Oxford after a gap year and feels completely ready.

Try and support your dd and encourage her to get a job. One of my dds did charity work and retail.

[PasDeGeeGees]

You are being totally, competely and utterly unreasonable here.

I've invested so much of myself in this

It's her life. Not yours.

No matter how much effort and money you've put in, you cannot force her to be the person you want her to be.

[cardamoncoffee]

I understand it must be very frustrating for you for her to be 'bailing out' at the last hurdle but she has made a very rational and mature decision. This is much better than her struggling when she is not ready and possibly dropping out altogether. In the kindest way OP try not to make it all about what you have done, it is her that will have to go to uni. It is very typical for parents to struggle with their dc through GCSE/A level, and getting her new furniture is too.

[ShinyMe]

I remember when I was taking my A levels, everything was geared up for me to go to a particular uni to do a particular course. It was my choice, and I worked hard, and I had an offer, and it was all pretty much sorted. But then about April perhaps, or late March in my 2nd year of A levels, I had a realisation that I just didn't want to go. I didn't want to do that course or go to that city or at that point go to uni at all. I couldn't really pinpoint why, beyond 'I'm not ready and it's not right' but I knew it wasn't for me. I remember being in turmoil about it for days and days, and felt like I couldn't tell my parents because they'd be disappointed (even though they'd never pressured me) and that they'd think I'd let everyone down and that I'd wasted money and their time taking me to open days and all of that... When I was eventually brave enough to tell my mum she said "there's no question of it..." and my heart sank thinking she meant there was no question of me not going, but she carried on to say "no question of you going if you don't want to" and even though it was 30 years ago, I remember to this day the immense relief that she wasn't angry with me. I immediately dropped one of my A levels even though it was maybe a month or two to the exam, and then as soon as exams were over I went off to France and worked in hotels for a few months, learnt French, ate croissants and snogged French boys, then went to work as an au pair in Switzerland for a year. After a year there, I had worked out what I did want to do and what I felt ready for, and went to a totally different uni to do a totally different course. It was a brilliant year, and taught me such a lot and gave me confidence and meant that I knew my mum was on my side and took me seriously.

OP, please don't be angry with her. Try to understand her, and support her to know her own mind.

[Derbee]

You sound awful