AIBU to hate my daughter for rejecting her university offer?

[Cherrypea]

The last 3 years of our life have revolved around my daughter’s wish to go to university. She's has loads of anxiety and friendship issues, left 6th form to finish her A levels at college, went back to 6th form, missed loads of school, I've had constant negotiations with her teachers as her attendance was so poor, decorated her bedroom with new furniture so she'd have a nice environment to study in, tiptoed around the house as she's noise adverse, I took the little ones away in May half term so she could have peace and quiet and in the few months leading up to the A levels spent probably £2k on private tutors.
She got good results and accepted at number 1 University.
She doesn't want to go. She says she is not ready, needs to save more money and will go next year. She can't defer so has no guarantee of a place next year as she was under the grades they required.
I know she's anxious and have obviously tried talking to her but she gets annoyed and irrational.
I'm so annoyed, I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me and now I can bearly bring myself to talk to her....

[amusedbush]

RTFT! This was posted weeks ago and the OP hasn't been back.

[TottieandMarchpane]

Hate? Really?

[CampingItUp]

Maybe check the date of the OP when you dive in to the end of a long thread? and RTFT?

[LunaNova]

OP, I know you've not been on this thread in a while but I didn't want to read and run without sharing my own experience which may help you help your daughter (assuming she decided not to go to university this year).

When I was 18, I went to uni with all my peers. My mental health suffered greatly for it, I didn't really gel with anyone at university and I was the loneliest I've ever been, my only saving grace was that I used to come home at the weekends to work so I saw family and friends then. I made the decision to leave uni in December, but saw out the rest of my first year to make sure I was making the right decision.

It wasn't that I didn't want to study or the work was too hard, it was just the university environment that didn't suit me. Instead I came home, worked full time and started an open university degree. It took me a little while longer to complete as I was studying and working, but in that time I also managed to change jobs twice (to better jobs) and buy my first house. I'm 29 now and I've just finished a financial advising qualification and work full time in a good job.

I can understand that you don't want your daughter to sit on her hands for a year, so maybe suggest that if she's not ready to leave home yet she could start a study from home course (usually you can register up to February) and then transfer the credits to a brick university if she decides to go at a later date... if not well at least she's still studying and she could even get a little job alongside.

Your daughter might not even know these options are available to her, I know I didn't when I was 18. The only option that was ever given at school was university.

Good luck with your daughter, OP!

[BlueMoon1103]

I feel sorry for your DD. She’s not ready and putting her mental health first, would you rather she had a breakdown? She’s an adult and can make her own decisions, you’re her Mum and you should support her regardless. It’s frustrating for you, imagine how it feels for her, anxiety is fucking horrendous and unless you’ve been there you can’t understand. Don’t force her or give her ultimatums, just be there for her and she might decide to go.

[Iggly]

Maybe she’s this way because she’s felt she has to please you and she’s finally seeing that actually she wants to do it differently

[verticality]

I can totally understand how you feel. It sounds like you've had a total battle on your hands and that you've tried everything you could think of to help.

In the kindest way, I think perhaps you might be confusing two things: the ability of your child to follow a path that is now seen as 'normal' and the ability of your child to grow and become a functional adult. In essence, you're possibly confusing external and exterior marks of 'success' with internal ones (being happy, content, and anxiety-free).

Let your daughter take some time out but do not support her financially. If she wants to have a year at home, then she needs to pay towards rent, bills and food - or to move out. That means she has to get and keep a job. It also means that she needs to address her anxiety sufficiently so she can work.

(You can keep the money on one side and give it back to her at the end of the year if you wish, but it's important that she is 100% aware of the need to step up and take responsibility for herself as an adult).

[Verticalblinding]

Yanbu

I would be upset too.

But this may be a blessing. If she is not academically inclined and finds study stressful maybe University is not a good fit for her. It is an expensive undertaking and once she starts she may feel pressure to continue even if she realises it’s not for her.

In the future I would leave her plans to her. Don’t spend money you can’t afford on new ventures etc, don’t organise the household activities around her etc.

[huntinghighandlow]

My daughter has As and A*s at A level so more than capable, but her mental heath wasn't great and after 2 gap years and coming home early from a year abroad, the university has removed her and recorded it as academic failure. She will be transferring the credits from her two good years to the open university.

She is so relieved this isn't hanging over her anymore and is much happier when working. She is 25, so all I can do is support her. Several members of the family have been very vocal about her choices but to be fair they don't know about the anxiety issues.

[larrygrylls]

Hate is a strong word but I can see why you are furious (which is probably what you meant).

MN has a very poor view of young adults, thinking that they are incapable of making adult decisions (except if they are au pairs, when they are expected to manage entire households being paid a pittance for it, but that is for another thread).

Babying adults, unsurprisingly, allows them to behave like babies, creating toxic co-dependencies. An 18 year old, not working or studying, but sleeping in the early hours and waking up half way through the morning, is a bad influence on the whole family.

Don’t be angry, though, but give her choices. She can go to uni or get a job and start paying rent, and she only gets to stay based on making an effort to work.

If she really has mental health issues, she needs to actively seek treatment until she can study or work. You will ultimately be liked and respected more for this approach.

[SusanneLinder]

I get you are upset, but hating your daughter is too strong. Your daughters mental well being is too important to ignore. If she goes whilst she is anxious, she could end up flunking her course or dropping out. I have a DD with crippling anxiety and she waited till she was feeling better and able to go and is in 2nd year now. Best thing she did was wait.
Please don't put pressure on her and maje her worse. Support her to get help from CMHT.

[Lovemusic33]

My daughter is likely to do the same when the time comes, I won’t hate her for doing it, I tell her that I’m proud of her whatever she chooses to do, what ever uni she chooses or if she chooses not to go. Of course I will feel a bit disappointed if she doesn’t take a top uni offer but I won’t hate her, her mental health and happiness is always priority.

[Deathraystare]

You cannot live vicariously through your child. If she went to a top university and was awarded a really good degree it does not reflect on you in the slightest. She is the one that puts in the hard work.



I feel so sorry for kids in this situation where what the parents want goes before the child's mental health and everything else.

[Trooperslaneagain]

I did the same thing.

Best decision ever.

Have just taken time out of an Msc due to the same issues, nearly 30 years later.

Leave her be.

[Idontwanttotalk]

"I'm so annoyed, I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me and now I can bearly bring myself to talk to her...."
YABVVU.

You are over-invested in this to the degree that you care far more about your daughter going to university than you do about her happiness and her state of mind.

You care more about her doing what you want rather than what she wants.

You cannot live vicariously through your child. If she went to a top university and was awarded a really good degree it does not reflect on you in the slightest. She is the one that puts in the hard work.

Why does this mean so much to you? You hate your daughter for turning down her university offer? You can hardly bring yourself to talk to her? Those are extremely strong reactions that, if you don't sort out will, in the fullness of time, destroy your relationship with your daughter.

You need help and counselling to deal with your issues. Do not try and persuade, encourage or cajole your daughter to give in to your will. That would be controlling. Your daughter is an adult and should be left to make her own decisions and you should support her in whatever she decides.

Please don't be that toxic, controlling mother that your daughter comes on MN complaining about in the future asking whether she should cut contact with.

[TheresAFuckOverThere]

Let's all jump on OP when she is being honest on an anonymous forum. Yes it is possible to feel hate for your child. It is possible to be disappointed in their choices, especially when you have made sacrifices to help them on their way.

OP is asking for help, that's why she's posting.

[GoFiguire]

So, did she go?

[WheelDecide]

I don't think it has to be either Philosophy/English degree or hairdressing. Why hairdressing?

[Tellmetruth4]

I don’t believe the OP actually hates her daughter at all and all of those who are attacking her for it are being disingenuous. She’s understandably incredibly frustrated and is ranting is all. People need to have the opportunity to scream and kick off sometimes.

OP, let the dust settle for a bit. Let everything calm down on both sides as you’re both working yourselves up and to be honest I can see where she may get her anxiety from as you are both putting yourselves under immense pressure to achieve goals.

She’s probably having some sort of panic attack and needs some time to think. Does she know anyone in first year at uni to talk to? They can explain how things work as she’s probably exaggerated how hard it will be in her head. In my experience, the first couple of terms of uni were easier than my last year of A Levels.

As an aside, you have done a great deal to prop her up for her A Levels. Have you ever let her fail or have you always rescued her because she’s sensitive? Have you allowed her to build up resilience to challenges?

She also probably feels guilty about the amount of effort you’ve put in to get her through A Levels and is scared it will be 3 years of the same which will cause the rest of the family stress. She probably doesn’t want to do that to you all.

[PhilCornwall1]

Hate is a strong word. Both my boys have pissed me off to a huge degree over the years, I'd never hate them, just had a strong dislike for them at the time. That passed rapidly.

Turn around to her and say if she isn't going to university, she gets up off her arse and gets a job. She can't spend the next X months doing bugger all, life doesn't work that way.

[becauseIcare]

Please let your daughter enjoy a gao year and be ready to go. I know it is difficult but you have to respect her with and not take it personally. It took a lot of courage for her to tell you and you must accept her decision without her feeling the bad person
I think you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself how much you wanted this too and now the road is not straight it has thrown you. Young people are so pressured it is frightening and this is reflected in the high mental health issues we are experiencing which sadly results in suicide in some cases. I Know two people who’s 20 year olds are no longer here. Sorry to be dramatic but it is a consideration for you. Open up communication with her and start to show her your love beyond A levels and university.
Next year will be here before you know it.
Good luck

[FrameyMcFrame]

Oh no

[RedCowboyBoots]

Huh. You'd think they'd have taken the time to explain what yabu means.

[augustagain]

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-7396219/Mother-slammed-saying-HATES-daughter-wanting-gap-year-university.html

The Daily Mail have got this story now.

[expat101]

FrameyMcFrame if you think that is bad, just wait until Uni is close to finishing and the job hunting begins! The psychometric testing they put grads through for job applications is incredible and in our DD's case, occurred bang on studying for finals time. Lots of businesses couldn't be bothered to share the results or provide feedback as to how things went. Ours was ''lucky'' her hard work paid off and she was offered something very interesting and well paid, but a lot were not and are left with huge student debt.

Sometimes going to Uni isn't what it's cracked up to be...