AIBU to hate my daughter for rejecting her university offer?

[Cherrypea]

The last 3 years of our life have revolved around my daughter’s wish to go to university. She's has loads of anxiety and friendship issues, left 6th form to finish her A levels at college, went back to 6th form, missed loads of school, I've had constant negotiations with her teachers as her attendance was so poor, decorated her bedroom with new furniture so she'd have a nice environment to study in, tiptoed around the house as she's noise adverse, I took the little ones away in May half term so she could have peace and quiet and in the few months leading up to the A levels spent probably £2k on private tutors.
She got good results and accepted at number 1 University.
She doesn't want to go. She says she is not ready, needs to save more money and will go next year. She can't defer so has no guarantee of a place next year as she was under the grades they required.
I know she's anxious and have obviously tried talking to her but she gets annoyed and irrational.
I'm so annoyed, I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me and now I can bearly bring myself to talk to her....

OP, you don't hate her, you're just cross at the moment. It's absolutely fine to let her take a year out and far better to encourage her to do so until such time as she feels ready to go. Our DD didn't feel ready to go straight to uni - she took a year out, went abroad for a couple of months to stay with rellies, then came home and worked and saved some money in readiness for uni. By the time she went she was really excited to be going and far more mature and confident after doing a bit of travelling and having the experience of living away from home for a couple of months. I feel sure it was the right decision to defer for a year until she felt emotionally ready to go to uni. Your DD will be fine - the uni will almost certainly accept her next year and, if not, another uni will. It will all turn out for the best eventually. Please don't be cross with her or try to blackmail her emotionally to go - she may end up dropping out and still have her student loan to pay off. Make the most of her staying at home for another year - we miss our DD no end when she's away and can't wait for her visits back home. There are so many young people who go to uni before they are emotionally ready and their mental health can really suffer. Hugs to you both - it will all be fine in the end I'm sure, but let your DD set the pace and go to uni when she's ready for it.

Lots of good in this situation, in absolute terms and relative to what might have been.

She has her A levels in the bag. She can go to a decent university if/when she chooses.

Breath!

Your dd health, mental and physical are important.
Your health is too.
Stop carrying your dd's future. Let dd take the load.

Let go and Breath!

@Cherrysoup, you're really trying to say that you know for sure your course 'wouldn't lead to anything' 30 years ago and was a 'doss course'?

I don't believe you. Sorry. You suddenly want to bring up that it was 30 years ago and probably has changed, but when you mentioned it, I got the feeling it was intended as a put-down. I may be wrong?

Yes you are being ridiculously unreasonable, it’s her life, you have to let her live it, even if you think she’s making a mistake, you’ve got to let her make it and be there for her regardless, that’s what being a parent is all about.

Jacks11 has it

It's as if you have given too much of yourself to "fix" her, help her achieve "her dreams"

Personally, I do not really believe in dream careers.

Ultimately, she can just make a decision year by year. Not going to uni now does not mean she will never go.

It is time to give her a break from your expectations, and for you to give yourself a break.

Focus on your own life, your own dreams for yourself. Let her find her own way in life.

I’ve not RTFT but I can empathise with both you and your daughter here OP.
I know you don’t mean hate. It’s a strong word and as parents we put a lot of hope and energy into our children. We want the best for them and we want them to take off and fly. When you work so hard for your children and you’ve made so many sacrifices, it’s so very frustrating when things aren’t working out the way we’d like.
However.
My sisters and I have MH issues and have for some time. There have been a lot of pressures on us academically from our family. They never meant any harm, but they were pushy. In the end, I did not go and do my degree because my anxiety was so high I didn’t feel able to give to a course what I felt I should. I worked so hard but it stopped me. Two of my sisters needed to take a year out to help overcome their anxiety and then return to their studies.
It’s really hard to explain to others, especially your family when they have big expectations, just how much your anxiety is stopping you, how much it is holding you back - especially when to others your feelings may appear irrational or extreme.
If your daughter doesn’t feel able to do the course then I know how disappointing that must feel and how uncertain the next step is but please see this as an opportunity to help her find her feet and get some help to overcome this so she’s in a much better place to take on her next challenges in the future.
The best of luck to you both.

@SarahAndQuack
Yes, you are wrong. Unless a course leads to something, I don’t see the point. I had a year out, working in France, which led to me changing to a Languages degree. I realised I had no idea at all what I would do with the other course. I always advise students to consider what they can do with a degree, especially nowadays when it’s obscenely expensive and she’d onvio be living away from home. .

An awful lot of my point in my original post was that I think not achieving the required grades probably won’t matter if the dd defers. She could also go through clearing next year if the place isn’t held for her, but I don’t see an issue with her deferring.

Can you tell me the employment statistics, then, please?

They must be very bad, for you to have known before you started the course, that it was a failure.

Many students don't know what they will do with a course, but generally, they mature and learn that it is their job to figure out what to do.

I wouldn't pressure her to go but give it a few days and have the conversation about expectations.
Cook x times a week
Apply for jobs
£x board that you'll put away for uni for her.

Etc, she does need to grow up and I think you've mollycoddled her a bit.

Don't think "hate" is the right word here. Extremely frustrating maybe'. Get her to gp re her anxiety. She sounds (I'm not a dr!) like she may gave asd . This often gives rise to poor social skills and noise aversion and anxiety. I'd definitely set some boundaries here too. Say she either does a course or gets a job and that you won't be bending over backwards in future at all her whims (but not in an aggressive shouty way, be diplomatic).. Defo go and see gp though and get her some counselling/meds '(there's no shame in taking them).

Taking a year out and reapplying was the best decision I ever made. Working made me more mature and ready for university and the money I was able to save meant I didn't have to borrow as much and could afford to enjoy university life and it also gave me a holiday job to go back to.

I couldn't cope with going to university just a few weeks after results day. I didn't feel like I had enough time to get ready for it.

I was a much more confident person a year later and had much more time to prepare for where I would be going to university. I also got into a better course with my actual grades than I did with my (identical) or predicted grades.

I think you've been very honest and admitted to an emotion that is very taboo. Lots of people on here won't understand. I think it's ok, you're human, it's been very very hard for you, you no doubt are suffering too and you're having a very human reaction. I think it'll pass, obviously your love takes up more space, you won't tell her how you feel and you will continue to look after her. If it gnaws away at you maybe think about counselling. Ignore the hier than thou, judgemental and inhuman posts on here - pretty much the worst place you can come. You are allowed to feel wbatever you feel, it's how you respond that matters.

Good grief, people commenting on the word hate.

Seriously. It's OPs emotions and she's allowed to spout them on her post.

FWIW I doubt it's actual hate, Just intense frustration.

YANBU. I feel your pain.
Ignore it, but her a local rag with jobs in and let her get on with it. She'll come round. She needs to grow up and this is a watershed.

There's a demographic dip so she will get a place next year if she has the grades. Are you just wanting her out? I was ready for mine to move out last year. The relationship has been much better for it.

I‘m sure you are entitled gate the way she’s behaved but mother .
After all the while run up has revolved around her including affecting your younger children .
However it sounds as if you have become over invested in the idea of her going to Uni. and if she went could cause even more problems.
Our daughter left school before A levels and had a variety of low paid jobs before a lightbulb moment . She returned to education and did a Chemistry degree . Works in industry and is very well paid indeed .Also net her future partner there so it could work out well for your own daughter. Sometimes in life it’s good to know what you don’t want as much as what you do . Hope it works out - you sound like a caring parent to me .

1. How bad is her anxiety? You should've taken her to her gp to be referred to the mental health services. Talking therapy and medication could've helped during her A levels.

1. Has she applied for a course SHE wanted, or something YOU pushed her into?

1. Maybe she needs a year out. If so, she should work full time.

I had a mental breakdown during my A levels. Stress of studying and being sexually assaulted at a party resulted in me feeling suicidal and losing a ridiculous amount of weight. I saw a psychiatrist during sixth form and I was forced to defer from university. I was distraught, but that year out allowed me to physically and mentally recover. I was ready for uni the year after.

You need to talk to your daughter in a non-judgemental way. Find out what is really bothering her, or get her help.

I feel you pain.
Is there a plan B that involves her going away - even if highly structured eg Camp America, Swiss finishing school anything to get her out the house so your poor mental health can recover.

Not read it all but I applaud the OPs honesty despite the ‘let’s take everything totally literally’ brigade on here. If you can’t be honest on here, where can you? She’s ranting here so she doesn’t rant there, which is a good thing.

I can completely appreciate your frustration but agree this is her call. I also agree that simply supporting her and being her sounding board is a better stance. She might be railing against you in a bizarre rail against herself. I took a year out for reasons I couldn’t then articulate but possibly because of the conveyor belt theory. And I was a top performer. Sometimes the pressure only crystallises when the post result slump hits. It’s like having the plugs pulled out.

A part time job and some decent therapy with a recommended psychologist might be the making of her. Even if it’s not, she’s too old now to do anything other than listen and suggest, and then support whatever outcome.

To be honest OP, it doesn't sound like she's ready for uni. If her mental health has been that poor and it has been this much of a struggle to her her through her A-levels, combined with her now not wanting to go, I think there is every chance she would drop out.

A year of working / travelling / volunteering / whatever might be exactly what she needs to get herself to the point where she's mentally and emotionally prepared for university. A lot of students take a gap year and it can be the making of them.

I do absolutely understand your frustration, but she's not actually in a very unusual situation, and there is every chance this will be a really good call for her and help her benefit from university when the time comes.

I work in a university and we have lots of young people with anxiety who come and then can’t cope and drop out, with a whole load of debt to boot. The environment is hard - you need to be gregarious to make friends and really work hard at it. I think a year working would grow her confidence and also help her work out whether it is for her. Also admissions teams often are happier with results in the bag than not yet gained so am sure she would get another place somewhere with results plus work experience.

My DD is going two years after her A levels. There are many pro's. She got to pick halls and visited the town twice with me. She is super anxious and it has been a rocky road with many melt downs. If DD will allow, ask your GP for a letter describing her anxiety and see if uni will help her. My DD's did...priority for first choice of halls and notified her early. Offer to support her during her studies etc. My DD does not have a diagnosis but that was not a problem. Anxious kids need as much of a sense of control.as possible. And are frigging exhausting, so you have my sympathy. I would insist she works during her gap year (which will entail loads of stress over interviews but will also increase her confidence).

Academic anxiety is a real issue, would it be better for her to go and drop out?? Surely her grades will get her into uni in a year if she changes her mind again. Don't ruin your relationship forever for the sake of one decision.

I understand your frustration when you feel you ave done so much, but as the Mother of someone who went off to Uni with anxiety - she limped through the first year and was suicidal on several occasions. She never finished. It's not worth pushing her. Get her help for the anxiety and bide your time. You can't force the situation and I'm sure she needs your (continued) support. Try and stay strong for her.