AIBU to hate my daughter for rejecting her university offer?

[Cherrypea]

The last 3 years of our life have revolved around my daughter’s wish to go to university. She's has loads of anxiety and friendship issues, left 6th form to finish her A levels at college, went back to 6th form, missed loads of school, I've had constant negotiations with her teachers as her attendance was so poor, decorated her bedroom with new furniture so she'd have a nice environment to study in, tiptoed around the house as she's noise adverse, I took the little ones away in May half term so she could have peace and quiet and in the few months leading up to the A levels spent probably £2k on private tutors.
She got good results and accepted at number 1 University.
She doesn't want to go. She says she is not ready, needs to save more money and will go next year. She can't defer so has no guarantee of a place next year as she was under the grades they required.
I know she's anxious and have obviously tried talking to her but she gets annoyed and irrational.
I'm so annoyed, I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me and now I can bearly bring myself to talk to her....

I've not read all responses. But feel it's important to say that you sounds like you have put yourself under a LOT of pressure. And that means her too. You have no control over what she does. You were more unreasonable to bend your whole family life around this. No wonder you resent it now she says she can't handle it.
There is so much more going on here. If you push, she may rebel. Or worse.
It's hard but it's time to let go and allow her to make her own decisions. Regardless of whether you feel like you have invested/sacrificed etc. Are you honestly expecting her to pile on as much stress on herself as you have on your self?

How can you hate your daughter, is it you hate the fact, that she isn’t doing what you want to do. Or do you hate the fact that she has anxiety and you can’t do anything to make it better. Support her, to get support to manage the anxiety. Anxiety can become overwhelming. Whatever she feels, comfortable for her to do, you should support her. I work for a mental health charity and have supported many people with severe anxiety, it’s an illness than can with the right support and help does improve, CBT. Help her don’t hate her, be happy with her choice. If she is ok you should be.

I am horrified by how many posters are attacking the OP.
She is doing a good job as a mum but she is human and everyone can be drained.

How many posters are identifying with the DD and forgetting that the mum is quite possibly over stressed herself.

Parents can also have anxiety and breakdowns......the unkindness is uncalled for.

If everyone was a bit kinder perhaps we wouldn't have so many young people with MH going on.

My DM had severe anxiety and MH all my young life and I had to cope with her.......she came first.
So I know that mothers can also be vulnerable. Leave the OP alone she didn't mean she hated her daughter, I think she is just at the end of her tether.

People need ot really think about why the UK is awash with so many vulnerable young people? What has caused this? Kids are usually given much more than they ever did. Perhaps they are too shelters? too cottonwoolled? what is it?

I have a child with mental health issues. You need to step back.

You did all you could to get her to this point but now let her live the life she wants. If it's the wrong choice she'll realise it and she will learn from it and that will make her stronger.

She sounds as though she may be being very sensible.
I totally understand it is frustrating for you.

If I were you I’d go find an empty field and shout it all out. Then get on with supporting her.

She’ll end up somewhere when stronger mentally/more able to cope. Far far better she’s done this than start and very potentially drop out after one term or two years burned out and a wreck.

Good luck op.

What if she goes to university on your wishes and has a mental breakdown? I developed social anxiety at university which I jag never had before. It was incredibly isolating. I wish my parents’
Had recognised how unhappy I was. Perhaps she will find something she is really good at and gain confidence and maturity by earning money for a year and then reassessing. Investment in her education will not have been anything but worthwhile even if she never studied again.

She can apply again in September and, as she has her results already, get an unconditional offer by February.

Nothing is lost, just delayed. I would follow the advise of not saying anything for 3 weeks, but as my father always said, if you are not studying get a job and start paying your fair share of food, services and, we didn’t have a mortgage but I’m sure he would have included a portion of that too. It did us the world of good.

Going to uni isn't a right of passage or basic expectation in life, it's bloody hard work and awfully stressful. There's a good reason so many students drop out. If your daughter isn't ready for it and is grown up enough to realise that then you have to support her, regardless of your disappointment. Her degree is hers, not yours. You could encourage her to get a job & live a little but request board & 6 monthly discussions re future uni plans. That would be parenting. Hating her is not.

Sorry, missed up the part of the mental health problems. Please wait until she is ready, you can help her where she is now. Once in uni, and as an adult, you can only help her if she is brave enough to ask for help herself. As frustrating as it is, this is not the time to send her into the wild. She may not ready to care well for herself on her own.

I have one the same. So you force them, they drop out anyway and it costs you a fortune. It’s time for the university of life. She needs to get a job, pay rent. She will soon leave her worries behind. But she has two choices get a job, or go to uni. She will find her way.

@ittakes2 yes unfortunately it is the same for me, my mum spent a lot of time in care. I tried so hard to be the opposite of my mum though..
Thanks to everyone, although she's had private therapy and seen the gp re anxiety she has never been formally assessed or diagnosed so this is probably the time to have that conversation with her as well.

I didn't go to university but I did move to London to do my nurse training at 18. I couldn't wait to get away and reinvent myself and have imagined she'd be the same.

Whilst I do understand your frustration - we have a 19yo who has driven us to distraction at times, struggling through GCSE and BTEC and having lots of tutoring - she has no plans for uni and has instead worked for a year and about to go volunteering abroad followed by travelling. I have had to take a huge step back and let her make her own decisions, esp in terms of arranging the volunteering, which took her months to sort out.

But please think how you would feel if anything happened to her - whether through her MH or otherwise.

We lost a young relative 16 months ago, she had graduated the previous autumn, then was found literally dropped dead (Sudden Adult Death) on her bedroom floor. Her parents would give everything and more to have her back. She was an only child. I know such deaths are rare, but it does put life into perspective.

Another relative just finished uni second year but had a breakdown at start of exams. Instead of being pushed to carry on, they were picked up by parents (one a Dr) and allowed to recover at home. Uni counselling services arranged extenuating circs and exams have just been taken in resit period. But what shocked me was that the person said that they didn’t think life was worth living, they were that stressed. Had the parents been the pushy type, there could have been another young death in our family.

Can I drop in to ask those responders who have commented on the op use of the word hate & called her awful etc. Can I ask, what age & sex are your kids. I suspect and am willing to be wrong that most of you will
Be the mothers of young kids rather than young adults and mostly Mothers or boys rather than girls. There is a known dynamic difficulty with teenage girls & separation issues that causes a short period of mum/daughter anger and frustration issues. So if your kids are young or boys there is a possibility you don't have a sodding clue what you're talking about. Will anyone honestly reply. I'll go first. I'm mum to 2 teenage girls.

I will honestly reply. I don’t have any kids. However, I have been that teenage girl. I let myself be pressured into going to the wrong university because I didn’t get the grades for the right one. I spent the best part of a year crying because I hated my life. I eventually decided to transfer to a different university. My mother in particular acted like I had done this to make her life more stressful. I know now that she was in the early stages of the menopause and that she would not have behaved in such a selfish way in different circumstances. But it’s been very difficult to forgive her.

So for all your wanky comments about how we ‘don’t have a sodding clue’, some of us have been through this from the other side. Take a second to think before commenting.

I didn't go to university but I did move to London to do my nurse training at 18. I couldn't wait to get away and reinvent myself and have imagined she'd be the same.

Maybe you should have let her be herself instead of projecting your own teenage feelings onto her. Maybe then you wouldn’t ‘hate’ her.

Hi, University Lecturer here and commenting only on the academic side of the There is an easy solution.
She can take up her offer and then as the year begins request to interrupt or suspend studies immediately for one year or even two years (term used and length of time will depend on University). Top reasons for requesting interruption / suspension are related to mental health and finances, so her Uni wouldn’t see this as a problematic case and would support her. I would encourage her to go.
On a personal note, I would first take her to see a MH specialist if she is not being followed closely and as for the financial issues plenty of universities help their students find jobs (careers service - see if they have a dedicated service at her uni), and often jobs are better paid because institutions don’t advertise posts where students might be exploited or exposed to negative employment situations (reputation of employers counts to us!).
Good luck

I have a friend whose DD did go to University at 18/19. Even the one she really wanted.
However she barely coped. To the point that her parents spent the first year taking it in turns to camp on her floor. For her second and third year they bought a flat in her Uni town, and her Mother (who'd just retired) lived there for most of the time.

If taking time out to reassess what your DD wants to do and where she wants to go - avoids this kind of stress it is well worth it.

Another girl I know who struggles with an eating disorder, had one false start at Uni at 19, and then eventually went at 23 and graduated with a top degree having got in a much better mental state.

Hate is a bit much

However accepting a place she doesn't really want at the moment and then potentially dropping out is probably worse, especially if it takes it away from someone else that wanted it.

I think a year out working will do her the world of good, especially if it's a confidence thing. There's a lot to be learnt from working with all different people and not just amongst her own age group.

@StillCoughingandLaughing I don't think I have projected myself on her, it's always been her wish to go to university, as I said when she couldn't take school any more in year 12 I would have been more than happy for her to develop her hair dressing skills instead. She choose to complete A levels and travel around the country with me looking at uni's.
Anyway I have told her I'll support her whatever she decides. I'm still annoyed though but obviously I don't actually hate her.
When she was younger I'd never have imagined I'd be saying the things I did about her but the last few years have been a struggle for all of us.

Sorry, just to add that universities take disabilities seriously these days and she will have the chance to request accommodation for her disability and have a detailed document with these accommodation strategies shared between her, her tutors, exams teams etc (with her consent). If she has not yet been diagnosed, universities have their own specialists in house and if they can’t reach a conclusion sent her to be seen by more specialised teams. I speak from experience - work at a Russel Group uni.
I’ve had students with really serious disabilities (including MH conditions) graduate and its such a joy to be able to suppport
I guess my advice is research the University well in terms of support they offer to students and discuss with her the possibility of taking up the place and request an interruption or suspension (see my previous post).
If you want, I can answer any questions by private messaging.

I just actually thought it would be all teenagers goals to leave home ASAP!

Interesting advice re taking up the place and deferring then. Hadn’t thought of that. I suppose I might be worried that she would decide to stay on and struggle or as op says the whole start and deferral itself may exacerbate her anxiety. Hmm

Pp not op.

OP, full sympathy... can’t say they are better slightly out of their teens.

Anyone who doesn’t sympathise, hasn’t got to the interminable teenage years yet

Girls, drama, social anxiety, would all be cured, if they took no photos of themselves, ditched social media, and actually did something for a change,

I think the issue is that OP has allowed the last 3 years to be dominated by her daughter’s stated desire to go to university. She has done whatever is required to ensure her DD had the opportunity available to her because that was what her daughter said she wanted. Of course, OP may have wanted that too and be disappointed because that was also her goal for her DD- but I suspect OP has given everything to enable her DS to reach her goal, to be told that really it isn’t what she wants after all. Not that I think her DD should go to university if she isn’t ready, or do a course that she doesn’t feel is for her- if course she shouldn’t. But it is tough for OP too. I doubt she actually hates her daughter.

I think it does depend on how much this has been driven by her DD’s demands and how much by OP’s hopes for her to go to university. I have a cousin who had significant anxiety- she used her anxiety to control her immediate family to quite some degree (not intentionally, for the most part, I think). She too needed quiet to study and would become anxious about not being able to study well if the house was noisy and this would lead to becoming anxious about a particular piece of work or exam, which would then become a vicious cycle of ever escalating anxiousness (sometimes so anxious she could not attend, for example). In general, she was anxious about not being able to get onto a particular course with quite high minimum grade requirements, as this was her goal. She would say this was the only career she wanted and would be “a failure” if she didn’t get to do this. So she then worried excessively about noise/studying/not getting good enough grades etc that this impaired her ability to study. So everything revolved around “being quiet so x can study” or “not stressing A out as then she won’t be able concentrate to do x”. Precisely because her parents really wanted to help her achieve her goals, despite the anxiety problems, they tended to pander and try to create conditions that were conducive to her feeling calm- even when that meant everyone else tiptoeing around her or not being able to do as they liked, for fear of setting off her anxiety. She did have counselling and CBT too, which helped a little. I have long suspected that there are some autistic traits there, but to my knowledge thus has never been diagnosed (and I am not an expert). TBH, I do suspect she was aware she could use her anxiety to get her own way at times, and I do think she was selfish at times too. I think my aunt and uncle were unwise to let her anxiety dominate their family’s life in the way they did, and I know the relationship with her siblings are quite strained. There is a lot of resentment towards their parents too, it’s quite sad really.

So, the upshot if that long story is that I can see how the anxiety issue could breed a situation where OP pulls out all the stops to help her DD reach her goals because she desperately wants to help her DD reach her dreams, to not let the anxiety impact her future too much and to want to try and keep open doors that she worries the anxiety may close for her DD. Partly because that’s what parents want to do, partly because that’s what her DD has told her she wants to do. Then when her DD turns round and says “actually, despite all that effort, expense and pandering to my whims, i’ve decided that I really don’t to go to university after all”, I imagine it feels like a rather large slap in the face. So OP probably is angry that her DD has changed her mind at the last minute after (presumably) being adamant that she wanted to do this course- to the point where OP did everything possible to help her achieve her dreams, including putting her DD’s needs above the rest of the family at times.

With hindsight, OP could probably reflect that she should not have done all of those things- but if she had not tried to do all these things to help/support/enable her DD and then her DD had not achieved the grades/place on this university course there is every possibility OP may feel that she had let her daughter down. Or, equally likely, that her daughter would think/say that her mum hadn’t helped enough, given how much she was struggling due to her anxiety. And if she had, the outcome would have been different.