AIBU to hate my daughter for rejecting her university offer?

[Cherrypea]

The last 3 years of our life have revolved around my daughter’s wish to go to university. She's has loads of anxiety and friendship issues, left 6th form to finish her A levels at college, went back to 6th form, missed loads of school, I've had constant negotiations with her teachers as her attendance was so poor, decorated her bedroom with new furniture so she'd have a nice environment to study in, tiptoed around the house as she's noise adverse, I took the little ones away in May half term so she could have peace and quiet and in the few months leading up to the A levels spent probably £2k on private tutors.
She got good results and accepted at number 1 University.
She doesn't want to go. She says she is not ready, needs to save more money and will go next year. She can't defer so has no guarantee of a place next year as she was under the grades they required.
I know she's anxious and have obviously tried talking to her but she gets annoyed and irrational.
I'm so annoyed, I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me and now I can bearly bring myself to talk to her....

Tread carefully. My mum could’ve written this post (I hope she wouldn’t have said hate but she could’ve done, she’s emotional in the same way I think you might be - no snark intended). I literally nearly killed myself to get A Level grades to get into my only choice of uni (Russell Group); I attempted suicide that year. Despite that I did get the grades and I did get in. I got cold feet and wanted to defer, and my mum went ballistic. So I went. It probably wasn’t the best call. I had an amazing time but I was seriously ill, mentally, throughout, and the pastoral care was abysmal. I survived it rather than thrived, if you like. Sometimes a bit of a time-out is necessary, when you’re burned out. Please listen, don’t judge your daughter, and try and understand her. She needs you to be her mum right now.

@beachcitygirl I'm not a young mum. My DD (and DS) are grown up but I well remember their teens. It was not an easy ride.

I asked the OP to rethink the word "hate" because I think she will beat herself up for it when she reads this thread back later. You do feel enormous frustration, anger, exasperation when they are at their worst but I really don't think the OP hates her daughter, just the action she is thinking of taking.

I hear you OP and emphasise to a degree.
Our DD nearly didnt go to uni due to anxiety. Propranolol got her through the first few weeks.
She chose to go, we would have been quite happy for her to take an apprenticeship route but it wasnt up to us.
She did the course and got a great degree but came home totally knackered and stressed beyond belief.
It has taken a year of her plodding about the house in her dressing gown and indulging her art and music to get her head back in the right place.
Yes, that was frustrating for us, we both work really hard and always expected our DC would do the same. But she is much better now and has just started a FT degree level job. Sometimes people do need to get off the treadmill to be able to gain some focus.
Anxiety is horrible.
Has your DD seen a Dr for help?

Empathise

Hate? Bloody hell yes YABU. Isn’t it your role to nurture her?

Hate is too strong a word for your child over this. She is probably exhausted with all the pressure she's been under and now she needs a break and some me time. It's not an unreasonable request. Is she doing this ALL for you or is it something she really wanted to do?

Sorry if Ive missed this in the thread but I'm presuming you've had her assessed for ASD? She sounds as if she's really struggling with life. I think she wants to go to Uni but is really struggling with something she doesn't feel able to cope with. Tbh, the worst thing would be for her to go to Uni in this state as its a huge transition and most struggle with it. If she didn't cope well with college, she'll crash and burn at Uni. Consider she may hate herself for letting you down but has realized it's a suicide mission. Don't add to the hate. Try and talk through the anxieties. Maybe she'll feel able to cope this year, maybe saving up some money and getting assessed may provide the breathing space she needs.

Agree @Everydayishistorytomorrow . Dd has requested a deferral. No history of anxiety as such but just feeling overwhelmed and not ready to make such a transition.

I think your use of the word ‘hate’ has skewed the responses a bit. I don’t think that’s what you meant and can understand your frustration. However I think you need to hold your nerve and let your daughter do what she wants - within reason obvs, but it sounds like she has a plan to go to work which isn’t a bad thing.
You probably need to accept the fact that she might never go to uni or not go for a long time. But she still has her good A level grades, and that’s an achievement.

BTW...ASD is a Spectrum of Disorders in that it is made up of different types of disorder. You cannot be on the lower or higher end of it, but you may suffer some aspects more severely than others with the same disorder. I just realized you mentioned your DD doesn't fit your idea of ASD but suffers from a Sensory Processing Disorder. That combined with the Social Interaction issues and Anxiety would suggest two or more of the Disorders on the Spectrum. I would suggest contacting CAHMS for an assessment so if she does go, she can get the support she needs.

People are being harsh because you were honest. My advice is (for what it's worth) when you're calm discuss whether she really wants to go. Give her the suggestion of going somewhere nearer. If she is so anxious it maybe that deep down she feels she cannot do it. I agree about going to the GP.
Good Luck

I can understand your frustration, but hate? Really? At 18 she needs to be making decisions herself with you there for guidance.

Tbh she doesn’t sound ready for university. She would probably be better working on her anxiety issues over the next year. Offer your unconditional emotional support, if shes been working so hard, had extra tuition and still not made the required grades she might be thinking the course is going to be beyond her anyway.

I would be sad that she is so ungrateful for all you have done for her over the years. A little too much, I think!

My daughter had the same issues, but she decided to go to university, it was the worst mistake she made, her mental health suffered so badly, that she has now graduated, got a job, but is off work with severe mental health problems, we sacrificed too, and I suggested she take a year out before Uni, but she didn't want to, so please don't be angry the pressures and challenges our youngsters face nowadays are a lot harder than we did as kids when it comes to education. My son wants to go to Uni he's still at school, and that's fine, but I am also encouraging him to get a trade like a carpenter or plumber incase he decides Uni is not for him, find out if your daughter wants a trade? Maybe a mechanic or a chef, people will always need these trades, but with everyone going to Uni, they're focussed on the big buck careers, I wish I had got a trade like a hairdresser, that I could do now I am a mum and wife and fit around family life.

There's an old song that says, 'Hate is a strong word, but I really, really, really don't like you.'

Maybe you just don't like her right now? That's OK and is not being unreasonable.

Wow, a bit harsh.

I understand though you are in this situation with her. Maybe take a step back emotionally? If it costs you that much that you feel that way?
Everybody has the right to protect themselves and it is good for your daughter to learn how to do so. Good for her to step out!

I think you are being very unreasonable. Her choices are about her, not about you.

Please calm yourself and focus on loving your daughter. I'm sorry to say there are many worse things that can go wrong in your and her life - you need to knock this down to size before you and your daughter find your relationship fractured.

@KANGA "she may not get a second chance at this" Really? What a lot of pressure at such a young age. I have met many people who have returned to studies later in life for many reasons. We don't have to have this all figured out age 18-20. She can take her time, take a deep breath and make a measured choice when she feels able. As if everything in life is - this is your moment, grab it or lose out. There are no defining moments. Instead it is a series of decisions and events with consequences and results. These are her decisions and consequences now. I can feel the pressure from here! You all need to disengage from the idea this is a MASSIVE DEAL. It's just not.

I really feel for you OP - you have had a slating! I'm sure you don't really hate your daughter - you are just venting after a difficult three years. Other people come on here to vent. It's better you get it all out here and then remain calm and loving to your daughter.
I know where you are coming from though - my daughter developed anxieties at the start of high school and I have done similar things to try and help her - and during this period I have absolutely mentally and physically exhausted myself trying to help her improve things. It has made me sick at times and risked my health as the lack of sleep has at times triggered autoimmune flareups. I am also currently tidying and redecorating her room to help her with a tidy environment before school starts again. Its a vicious cycle of trying to help her while at the same time trying to get her to be independent! The whole mother-daughter relationship thing is very tricky at this age.
I did want to say three things to you though. The first one is that a therapist once said to me that no-one taught my mum how to manage stress and anxiety plus process her feelings so she did not have the skills to teach me these skills, and in turn, I did not have the skills to teach these to my daughter. You used such strong language in your OP I was wondering if it was the same for you. I see this as a practical thing - my daughter is getting skills training in how to manage stress and anxiety and process her feelings. There is no blame - its just like children learn to read and write they also need these skills and if we did not learn them from our own parents than we could not pass them onto our children.
The second thing is: there is one thing I have learnt from the issues with my daughter and that for her to fully absorb something she does need to be ready. It does not matter if I think she desperately needs it - if she does not feel ready than me pushing and pulling her towards what I believe is going to be positively life changing - it is not helping and likely to make things worse.
The third thing is: I get you when you have said the last three years have been hell working toward this goal she wanted to achieve and now she has achieved it she seems to be throwing it away. I think in a calm moment it is worth exploring with her whether it is really nerves or she has valid concerns. But at the end of the day - I would encourage you to consider that you set out to give her the very best change and you achieved that - your efforts were successful. You can look back and know you did the very best you could with no regrets. You are also understandably worried she won't get a place next year as she did not get the grades - maybe she will and maybe she won't. And maybe she will decide she wants to do something completely different. But as I bet your goal is for your daughter to be happy...she does need to follow her heart to achieve this and you need to let her take this path. Most people I know have started on a path after school and changed it in one or two years - so if your daughter does change her path its completely normal. And maybe your daughter won't thank you now for all the effort you have put into her - she will understand when she is older.

She's scared. She doesn't sound very emotionally stable or mature and I really think she would not cope with university right now. (I work with this age group and have trained in youth mental health).

I know you are disappointed. Part of this is probably because you were looking forward to having her away so you could not have to make her the focus of your life. And I totally understand this too.

But ... look on everything you have done as a stepping stone to get her to this point - with A levels that she can use (possibly in the future) to continue with her studying or career.

It might be that uni isn't for her. Not sure if you've said what she wants to do (haven't read through all the posts) but there are lots of other options these days such as apprenticeships.

I would suggest you go out for a meal together and discuss her future. Don't push her. Ask her lots of questions and listen to her answers. If she decides she wants a gap year there will be places next year but ensure you have a plan for what she is going to do for the next 12 months otherwise her mental health is likely to deteriorate and you will start to feel resentful if she's just hanging round the house. Think about a part-time job or even voluntary work. Something to get her into a routine and give her experience (plus self confidence).

And if she does decide on uni perhaps one where she could live at home might be an option. But make it clear that she now has to fit into the family, that her "needs" do not always come first, that she is now an adult so therefore has to learn to get on and live with others.

@Dra1972 you sound thoroughly unpleasant. The only person who needs to grow up is you, you're a nasty piece of work.

Anxiety is a recognized medical condition and can be completely debilitating so STFU.

@Cherrypea you don't hate her, you're just worried and frustrated but SHE will hate YOU if you keep this up.

You need to back off and be supportive, she's just completed 5 years of intensive academics under stressful circumstances and feels burnt out.

You've done your job as a parent, now let her find her way. You wont get what you want by bullying her and she's had quite enough of that already.

The grades aren't going anywhere and she intends to work. Give her a break.

I think you need to empathise with, support and respect the decisions of your dd. She is struggling with her mental health and finding life difficult.