AIBU to hate my daughter for rejecting her university offer?

[Cherrypea]

The last 3 years of our life have revolved around my daughter’s wish to go to university. She's has loads of anxiety and friendship issues, left 6th form to finish her A levels at college, went back to 6th form, missed loads of school, I've had constant negotiations with her teachers as her attendance was so poor, decorated her bedroom with new furniture so she'd have a nice environment to study in, tiptoed around the house as she's noise adverse, I took the little ones away in May half term so she could have peace and quiet and in the few months leading up to the A levels spent probably £2k on private tutors.
She got good results and accepted at number 1 University.
She doesn't want to go. She says she is not ready, needs to save more money and will go next year. She can't defer so has no guarantee of a place next year as she was under the grades they required.
I know she's anxious and have obviously tried talking to her but she gets annoyed and irrational.
I'm so annoyed, I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me and now I can bearly bring myself to talk to her....

I thank god pretty much every day that I was a teen before social media.

I just actually thought it would be all teenagers goals to leave home ASAP!

I think it's quite common for dteens to want this but also feel very apprehensive once reality dawns and term's about to start. And some just decide they're not ready now, and then happily go off the next year, or they change their mind altogether and do something other than university. Look at it this way, your dd is happy to think about staying at home for another year, which suggests she finds home a safe welcoming place.

Sorry if I've missed this, but is ddad on the scene - what does he think?

@jacks11 Your cousin is pretty much my daughter, this has literally been my life!

Our daughter dropped out of school just before her A levels and got a job but eventually went to a crammer and took her exams. Her results were not nearly as good as was expected of her at school. She went to uni (studying to be a maths teacher) but really hated the place, the course, the students - everything really. She only stayed two terms. Since then she's had a variety of good office jobs and now, in her mid thirties, earns well above what she would have earned as a teacher.

I appreciate that your daughter did want to go to uni but she has plenty of time to do that. Her grades may be sufficient to study whatever she wants when she applies as a more mature student.

Personally I wouldn't encourage her to travel, but to get herself some sort of real job. This might give her the confidence to realise that she could get qualifications and get a better job. Or she may realise that there is more to life than spending three years getting a degree which may or may not help her in the future.

I should add that I and DH are both graduates, but that we don't see the point of a degree for its own sake - unless the student has a real need for a vocational degree or a deep interest in the subject.

I lived at home when I was at University and law school. I wasn’t ready to move away. I also suffered from anxiety. Once I finished law school, I decided that I wanted to move to London and I never looked back. Not everyone is ready to leave home when they are 18/19. Don’t push her OP or it will make her anxiety worse. She will be ready in her own time.

Going to university directly after A levels is not necessarily the best thing to do. The talk is all about what a wonderful time everyone has but this really is not true and some students find it very challenging. Your daughter has already displayed symptoms of anxiety and these could be made much worse if she goes and the experience is a poor one. Listen to what she is saying. If you put pressure on her to go when she doesn't feel ready you may well come to regret it. Yes, you have made every effort to get her there but if she doesn't want to go the chances are she has good reason. A year out of education will do her no harm and may make her experience, if and when she does go, all the better. There really is no rush and if she applies next year she will have time to consider her options and may make different choices.

Please don’t project your own wishes onto your daughter. It’s her choice not yours. Your job is to support her, whatever your views. My son went to uni and rang us after a term asking to come home because he didn’t like it. He came home, got a great job in the airline industry. He absolutely loves it. Uni is not for everyone. It’s a lot of debt and doesn’t guarantee a job at the end of it. Please put her needs before your own views. She needs support and love and encouragement to find her path, not for you to ignore her and make her feel guilty.

@Cherrypea

I think the situation is similar. Honestly, I think you have to let her do what she thinks best for now. But there have to be conditions- if she doesn’t want to go to university, fine, but she must come up with a plan of some sort. I.e. she must get a job and contribute to her keep, or go into some form of training or education. It doesn’t have to be her future career, but she has to be occupied in some way. And no more pandering- she has to work with the rest of the household. No more tiptoeing around.

And I think she needs to be encouraged to get more help with her anxiety, as clearly whatever hell she has had there is still more work to do. This will stand her in good stead if she dies chose to go to uni in the future, but more importantly will help her cope with her life in future, whatever path that takes. Because, honestly, my cousin has not been helped by her parents sorting everything out or pandering to her every need/ what she said she needed to manage her anxiety.

Hell = help

There is nothing more important than your daughter’s mental health. Would you rather she went and had a break down or worse.

Beachcitygirl

DD 23, DS 21, DS2 18 & DD2 8.

Tbh if you've been doing so much running round/sorting out for her OP I very much doubt she'd be able to handle university and independent living right now. Suggest you use the next year to increase her independence. She needs a job, and to take on the responsibility of an adult living at home - paying rent, doing her own laundry, cooking for herself (or cooking for the whole family regularly). No more little girl whom the whole household revolves around.

I don’t mean this is a rude way but a lot of your expectations and overbearing ness is probably party why she has anxiety. MH issues and your upbringing are hugely correlated.

I did A levels but didn’t want to go to Uni, I didn’t see the point as I’d just end up with an arts degree that wouldn’t be much use. My parents were absolutely vile to me about it. I’m much more financially successful than my sibling who did go to university but yeah I’ve never forgotten how they treated me.

I think also in some cases it is quite rational not to want to go to university - the economic return is uncertain, and while that's obviously not a reason not to go if you really want to and are going to enjoy it, as another pp has said not everybody does enjoy it. Some of it can be very stressful, academically and socially.

So even if your dd did decide not to go at all that might be the best thing for her. Yes that was what she's been wanting and working for, but I think it can be difficult for students to see alternatives while they're at school. I think that some schools do tend to drum the message to A level students that the desirable destinations are either university or one of the top apprenticeships - what doesn't seem to be pushed at all is just getting a job, as in the old days. (Partly because many jobs now require a degree of course!) But for some that may be the best route.

I can’t believe all these virtue signalling posters are pretending to believe you ‘hate’ your DD. Of course you don’t. However, you are right to feel massively aggrieved with her behaviour which seems to fly in the face of all you have done for her.

My DS did the same and worse. He was so bright he could have done anything but he chose to waste many opportunities given to him that others could only have dreamt of. We sacrificed much that he seemed to throw in our faces.

Ten years later he has pulled it all around. He spent nearly a year in his room thinking things through. He applied to a good second rank university and got a 2:2. He has excelled in his career in charity work and is pursuing a second string in local government. He is happy and a really good citizen of whom his DF and I are immensely proud.

Straight after exams results is no time to judge the future. You are right to be cross but keep onside with your DD and support her in her choice for the time being.

It will, in the old phrase, come out one the wash.

YABU! I did exactly this. Got my dream course at my first choice uni and declined it 2 weeks before I was due to start. Spent a year working, saved money but most importantly had a year of no stress and pressure. Re-applied for different universities with a career path.
My parents (who had panicked when I decided to take a gap year) said how much I had matured in that year, as well taking a lot of financial pressure off them

Please, please, please, do not pressure your daughter over this. So many teenagers and young adults are killing themselves because they can't stand the stressors of modern living, including the pressure parents, the government, media, and now social media as well, put on our children to gain the best exam results, and go to the best universities, when what should be the most important thing is their mental health, and happiness - which of course tend to go hand in hand. Of course gentle help and encouragement is good, but when you are getting such clear signs from your daughter that all is far from well, I think you should let her know that as long as she doesn't need a degree for a job that she is passionate about doing, it will be fine by you if she NEVER goes to university, that what is most important to you is her happiness - and mean it!

As soon as my dd hit 18 she dropped out of college, midweek 4weeks into 2nd year. I told her that if she was leaving college she needed to work. She got work but was laid off 4 years later. She bummed around for few weeks then got a job doing something totally different to anything she hsd thought about before. Loves her new job and is training while working. Sometimes they dont know what direction they want to go and as annoying as it is (believe me I was furious when she left college) they have to feel right about what they are doing. Her sister deferred went to uni a year later and did very well, it was the right thing for her too.

I know you care so much but she is not ready. So frustrating but it's her life and you have to let her live it. Difficult. Damned if you do , damned if you don't.

She has anxiety but does has she ever been assessed to see if she has an Autistic Spectrum Condition? I sat this because her inability to settle in one place could possibly be an ASC trait. My daughter has Asperger’s and also gets anxious but with the diagnosis cane a lot of help and information to help me understand why she sometimes behaves the way she does. It doesn’t make it any less infuriating- and yes, I understand how absolutely frustrated, angry and disappointed you feel. I also understand you don’t hate your girl because of the effort you’ve gone to over the past couple of years to try and put her at ease. You’re human and you’ve had a knee jerk reaction. I think it would be wise to heed what she says because you can’t force her to go and she may change her mind next year. This shah sounds like my daughter. If she feels under too much pressure- regardless of whether she chose a particular direction herself or not- she crumbles and panics and withdraws. Try taking a step back and let her take the reigns.... it’s hard but it may be what she needs. I really hope you manage to resolve this. Xx

Sorry for the typos- in a hurry and didn’t proof read!!

Hate? Yes, YABVU. As for her choosing to try next year, yes, YABVU. You chose to do all you did, and news flash, it’s not about you. The pressure she’s felt from you is probably contributing to her anxiety. Leave her to decide her own future, stop pressuring her.

I remember the stress when my own daughters were taking GCSEs then A levels with no clue what they wanted.I remember them applying for University.But...throughout this I remember not ever wanting them to do any of the Uni stuff if they didnt want to.I never thought of their education as being the be all and end all.It really isnt.I love them not what they achieve and so do you with your daughter.Sounds to me as though its all too much for her.If you try too hard to encourage her to go she will probably struggle there.Take the pressure off,tell her its her decision that you support and love her whatever she decides.

A friend ‘forced’ her child to go to uni after investing thousands ££££ on private education. He wasn’t ready and had a psychotic breakdown within the first term.
I totally understand why you would be furious with her after investing so much but let her decide.