To refuse to let DD stay over?

[mavidmowie]

She has just turned 16, and the concert is in October. Her and 2 mates want to go to the concert in London and stay the night on their own. The plan is to travel down on the train (we live on Stoke on Trent so it's a good way away), go and see the concert, and then walk to a hotel then get the train back in the morning. They've already done the planning and have decided on a hotel (it's one that allows under 18s). Of course when she told me about it, it was a big no from me. The concert finishes at half 12 and the idea of 3 16 year olds from a small city trying to navigate London at night worries me sick. What if they can't find the hotel or it's a dive? What if they get harassed/followed/mugged etc?

She insists her friends parents don't have a problem with it which I somehow doubt, but I don't know the friends parents. The girls are nice enough and I have no doubt they'd all look after each other but they think they are invincible at that age. I have tried to compromise with DD and have said they can get the train down early in the morning together, spend the day in London and do some shopping etc, go to the concert and then I'll be there waiting for them when they get out of the concert and will drive them all back to Stoke. I thought it was perfectly reasonable (especially seeing as I'll be driving 3 hours there and back for them) but she scoffed at the idea and said I'm trying to baby her and that I should let her stay the night. AIBU?

Sounds like they'd be fine - but they should check into the hotel much earlier in the day, so they're not trying to find it when tired, late at night.

London has night buses running from about 00.30am and day time buses up until that point. There's also lots of people about, so whilst there are some risks from sleazy, drunk people, there isn't the risk you get in smaller places where it's much darker and there's no one else around.

Unless they have a pressing wish to have a late night walk, would be much more sensible for them to take a bus/taxi back to the hotel [make sure they know how to identify licensed taxis / that minicabs have to be pre-booked].

Unless you have reason not to trust her or her friends, then why not? There are three of them. They need to stick together of course but they’re highly unlikely to be snatched off the street as a group.

However, if you don’t trust them, that makes a difference. But she needs to know why you don’t trust her.

@Sallylondon I read some statistic somewhere which suggested that something like 65% of mobile phones that are stolen in London are from under 18’s. It’s something that worries me too but my DS is fortunately fairly aware of this stuff, but still ....

Actually I hadn’t thought of the fact the venue likely isn’t licenced for under 18’s.

OP, she is definitely lying about her motives. IMO there’s no chance she’s being even remotely honest here and on that basis I would tell her that not only can she not stay over, but she cannot go.

‘OP, she is definitely lying about her motives’

Yeah right. Because a 16 year old couldn’t possibly just want to have a night in London at a concert and staying over with friends

Unless you have reason not to trust her or her friends, then why not? There are three of them. They need to stick together of course but they’re highly unlikely to be snatched off the street as a group. OP has good reason not to trust them. Concert venues in London are only licenced to play music until 11 PM and she’s said that it finishes at 12:30. If there even is a gig, it’s going to be some casual gig likely in a pub or similar, in fact it might even just be a band where some bloke she’s planning to meet off the internet is playing.

Seriously I would have a conversation with her and tell her that I know she is lying and tell her that as a result she won’t be going to London at all.

I’m in stoke on Trent as well :) I agree Hanley is bad enough let alone there x

Yeah right. Because a 16 year old couldn’t possibly just want to have a night in London at a concert and staying over with friends of course she could. But as has been pointed out on here by multiple posters, the concert venues in London are all only licenced to play until 11:00. The OP’s DD has said that this “concert” finishes at 12:30 which is where the suspicion comes in.

Of course you should let her, she is 16yo! She can use Google maps to find the hotel or she can call an Uber. She can text you when she sets off and when she arrives at the hotel.

BTW I've lived in Stoke on Trent and I'd be more worried about a 16yo on a night out there than in London!

From London...pick her up. Also, they may try and get into clubs after.

It’s possible your DD has told you the gig finishes at 12.30 to explain away why she can’t get a train home/expect a lift.

I would be suspicious that they are meeting someone/ going somewhere else entirely.

Have you looked up the gig online?

I agree the op needs to find out a bit more about this concert. I didn’t know that about the licence.

But London really isn’t a heaving cesspit of child snatchers. Like anywhere, you need to be streetwise but I don’t think it is any less safe than any city and a lot of towns.

what concert finishes at 12.30. Most of them finish around 10.30. Are you sure its a concert shes attending and not a club or a party?

If you know the name of the band and the venue then there will be some info about the curfew somewhere on the venues/ticket people’s website.

I feel like if she is genuinely just wanting to go to the gig and then stay in a hotel with her mates, I’d be leaning towards letting her, with a robust plan for an Uber back to the hotel afterwards.

However, I am very suspicious that they actually have something else planned and that the late finish is a bit of a red herring. Are they planning either a full blown night out? Some kind of gig after party? Or a bar near the venue that is known for being an after place? or like a pp said, are they planning to meet someone there that they perhaps shouldn’t be?

Can you give us a clue about the band or music genre and venue perhaps? We might be able to give you a lot more idea about the whole picture?

Obviously it’s not going to be a concert at the 02 or somewhere because that would finish way before 12:30. So I’d assume it’s something at a club? But the OP can suss that out... ask where and what. But assuming that’s all legit, I honestly can’t see the issue with 3 16 year olds getting a taxi to a hotel.

You do realise when she’s 18 she can leave home, will probably be off to uni and can stay out as long as she likes, wherever she likes and won’t be telling you anything?

It makes so much more sense to work towards that by enabling increasing amounts of freedom. Will you still be picking her up when she’s 17? How do you see the next couple of years progressing?

In all seriousness, my mum was picking me up at 1am from 18th birthday parties a couple of months before I went off to university! A lot of my friends thought this was lovely, that she didn’t mind waiting to and collecting me, and in a way it was. But she was doing it for her own peace of mind when in actual fact it would have been better for me to become confident at calling a taxi. Or catching the late bus with friends and maybe getting a lift from the bus stop. Being confident to find your way around public transport, getting around cities, knowing what to do if you get lost... all these things are far better learned while in the safety of still being at home.

Whether you decide to pick them all up on this occasion or not OP, I would advise for your dds sake that you don’t do what my parents did. I think it made the point that I went off to uni, legally as an adult, far more risky because I’d been over protected rather than gradually allowed to become more independent

I’ve been to gigs at pretty much all the Camden venues/pubs, Brixton academy, the old blue last, the O2, twickenham, etc.

There might be better hotel choices that don’t include a 30 minute walk that people here have knowledge of.

I think any strategy based on catching an uber or a taxi could be tricky. Any concert I have been to has loads of exits and loads of people exiting at the same time. The poster who suggested getting the tube is probably a more sensible idea.

But yes like many would be interested to know about this concert that ends after midnight- seems a but dodgy to me. Also I know it's different age 16 from when they are younger, but does the OP know the parents of the other girls.

Ultimately I think it's a marginal call either way. If it was me and I managed to check somehow with the other girls parents and it all checked out, I'd probably be ok with it provided the half hour walk was somehow eliminated - maybe phone up a cab company local to the area and see what they suggest. But actually thinking about it I might be ok with it, but I very much suspect that DH would not.

It all depends on the area.

Dd was commuting into London for school from the age of 10 and could get herself around London to visit friends from that age.

She has also done the concert and staying in a hotel from the age of 16, usually at the O2.

If it is at this venue and you were wanting to pick them up I would suggest adding on 2 hours to get out of the car park if you were going to go down the driving option.

If the hotel is 30 minutes walk is there a bus or tube that could get them closer.

Personally at most venues for I presume a large concert it is perfectly safe to walk as the streets are filled with people.

I would feel a lot less safe if Dd had announced she was going to a venue in Stoke on Trent for the night at 16 because I know that the streets are probably dead at that time of night and there is a lot less CCTV.

The only problem we had was with one hotel who got a bit awkward after saying yes to under 18 s and then the receptionist when they arrived being a bit picky till Dd showed her the email to say that they had agreed to the room.

I think it was because dds friend looked a lot younger than 16.

its clearly a cover up. She must think you were born yesterday

Rookie - pre booking a taxi and being clear about exact pick up place will avoid the usual queuing after a gig. But I’m assuming this is much smaller scale than the 02 so I doubt there will be the issue of multiple exits

Ordinarily, I'd say fine. After all, I went on holiday for a week with a mate to the Isle of Man when I was 16.

But the timings sounds a little off. I'd want more info and probably to speak to the other girl's parents too.

MN is a strange world.

On threads about posters own experiences as a teenager there are always loads telling us that they were getting pissed, smoking weed, popping pills at raves and having underage sex. I wonder if these are the same ones who are aghast at the idea of their daughters going to a gig in scary old London at age 16

IRL ive known a few parents like this... off the rails when younger and then they go the other extreme with their own kids.

Far better to have a bit of balance I think.

Can you not work out some compromises with DD to get to a point where everyone is happy? E.g. 1) She has to turn on location sharing on Google Maps so you can see that she made it to the concert and back to the hotel etc
2) Is there a better hotel option? Premier Inn state they accept bookings from 16+ in their T&Cs online so maybe there will be one close to the venue. Might be easier to book if a parent books and pays in advance on their behalf.

I get that you're concerned about them being out in the night walking around but if they are in a central location, even at night there are people everywhere and if they are just going from concert to the tube to a centrally located hotel it's hardly like they'll be wandering down some dark alley.

I used to live in London and I would get the overground back at midnight and walk home. My family would talk about how dangerous it was like I was in a war zone. It was Hackney, it was totally fine. If you don't live in London though the news does make it sound so dangerous, but it really isn't.

I understand your concerns but for context, my nephew has just flown to the USA for 4 weeks to visit family on his own

forgot to say, he is 15

Where is the concert and where is the hotel? Without that information it's impossible to give you any advice. However, walking for 30 mins at that time when you don't know the city isn't a good idea for someone of any age. If there's a night bus or a taxi, then I wouldn't have a problem.