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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to let DD stay over?

270 replies

mavidmowie · 23/08/2019 00:07

She has just turned 16, and the concert is in October. Her and 2 mates want to go to the concert in London and stay the night on their own. The plan is to travel down on the train (we live on Stoke on Trent so it's a good way away), go and see the concert, and then walk to a hotel then get the train back in the morning. They've already done the planning and have decided on a hotel (it's one that allows under 18s). Of course when she told me about it, it was a big no from me. The concert finishes at half 12 and the idea of 3 16 year olds from a small city trying to navigate London at night worries me sick. What if they can't find the hotel or it's a dive? What if they get harassed/followed/mugged etc?

She insists her friends parents don't have a problem with it which I somehow doubt, but I don't know the friends parents. The girls are nice enough and I have no doubt they'd all look after each other but they think they are invincible at that age. I have tried to compromise with DD and have said they can get the train down early in the morning together, spend the day in London and do some shopping etc, go to the concert and then I'll be there waiting for them when they get out of the concert and will drive them all back to Stoke. I thought it was perfectly reasonable (especially seeing as I'll be driving 3 hours there and back for them) but she scoffed at the idea and said I'm trying to baby her and that I should let her stay the night. AIBU?

OP posts:
KaleidoscopeEyes · 23/08/2019 00:34

I've never known a concert finish at 0030. They're usually far earlier.

I've had to learn to let go a bit over the years with mine growing up, and I have to say it's been the hardest part of parenting for me. My eldest is 2nd year at uni 200 miles away and I've had to teach myself not to worry, I was much worse when she lived at home.

However, there is no way I'd let them wander around that late at night in London on their own. It's not massively lively all night, and it's too dangerous imo.

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 23/08/2019 00:40

Incidentally there's no point in them going shopping for the day as they won't be allowed to take bags of shopping into the concert

sunshiney78 · 23/08/2019 00:48

They can go down to London alone. You can then drive down later & fetch them from concert & all spend night at hotel.

user1473878824 · 23/08/2019 00:51

They can get an Uber. OP, I get how scary it is for you, but she has to learn how to navigate things and can always call you if she needs help or advice. There are three of them. She isn’t alone.

SimonJT · 23/08/2019 00:53

@SheSaidNoFuckThat I’m sure they are more than capable of dropping their shopping off at their hotel, which is exaclty what i’ll be doing befor a gig on Saturday.

Justme1234567 · 23/08/2019 00:54

She will be fine, maybe come to a deal where they get an Uber to the hotel after?

Justme1234567 · 23/08/2019 00:55

I live in London and grew up here, honestly it’s fine here just need to be street smart.

RockinHippy · 23/08/2019 00:55

I travelled to France on my own at that age, so part of me thinks meh🤷‍♀️. BUT I now have a DD the same age & I do now understand why you would WANT to say no, but you really can't.

She's right, if she & her friends are sensible kids, which it sounds like they are to be so organised. Then it's highly likely that the other parents have said yes, so she's going to feel that you are babying her. A lot of DDs year are celebrating GCSE results at reading, with friends, not family.

It can be hard to let go, but she isn't going to learn to fly if you don't let her jump. Be proud she's so organised, she'll be fine.

poolblack · 23/08/2019 00:58

I’m sure they are more than capable of dropping their shopping off at their hotel, which is exaclty what i’ll be doing befor a gig on Saturday.

shesaid was obviously talking about the OP's suggestion that they do shopping, go to gig and OP collects them. No hotel involved.

0DimSumMum0 · 23/08/2019 01:07

What is the option if they don't stay over? Getting the train straight back?
If that's the case then I would be thinking what's the difference? Surely getting back to the train station and up back home is going to be equally worrying so late at night on their own? I think between the two getting a hotel would be the best option. Can you suggest one that's a little closer to the venue maybe?

poolblack · 23/08/2019 01:08

What is the option if they don't stay over? Getting the train straight back?

OP collecting them.

RubbingHimSourly · 23/08/2019 01:12

Can you stretch to 2 hotel rooms ?? So dd and her friends share one room and you have your own. Then you can drive them from the concert to the hotel and leave them to it

IamWaggingBrenda · 23/08/2019 01:15

Absolutely no from me. Whether they are responsible or not, they will still look young and vulnerable. I would pick them up, not have them walking around London at that hour. If anything went wrong - hotel was a dive, they got lost, etc, you are too far away to help. Plus, at that age, their judgement isn’t always sound.

UJustGotLittUp · 23/08/2019 01:16

OP, I'm in London and about 30 minutes from the 02 Arena, I also drive. I would be happy to give the girls a lift if need be to the hotel if that's where the concert is? (Of course you can see my ID etc), just if it helps at all. Alternatively, I would be happy to find certified taxi's for you and you can communicate with the driver?

Alternatively, if you want to come down with them and somewhat chaperone, you would all be more than welcome to stay at mine and take over downstairs. You could drop them and pick them up from the concert?

London at night is not the way I would recommend any young teens explore without knowing the area better. Once you're confident it isn't so bad, but as a new place it certainly can be daunting.

Expressedways · 23/08/2019 01:19

Check out the hotel online to make sure it’s not a shithole. Set her up with Uber on her phone using your credit card and insist they do that rather than walk. As another one who grew up in London and somehow survived my teens I don’t see what the big deal is about the overnight stay. A long walk through an area they don’t know in a big city is a silly idea though.

MoaningMinnie1 · 23/08/2019 01:31

As there are three of them, I think they will be alright if they stay together.

DetMcnulty · 23/08/2019 01:36

I'd let her go. At 16 I went to Mallorca for the summer, and started university away from home. It's good to start getting some level of independence, and sounds like they've put in some effort to plan it. Between the 3 of the them they should be fine.

JockTamsonsBairns · 23/08/2019 01:55

Wow, I must be a really lax parent. My dd1 was venturing up to London with her pals from the age of 16, and I just saw it as a bit of independence for them.

Greeborising · 23/08/2019 01:58

UJust I’m sure you’re being kind but that just sounds creepy girl

cornish009 · 23/08/2019 02:07

I did this at 16, and had no worries about my daughter spending a weekend in London at that age also. Your daughter and her friends seem very sensible in working everything out. No issues at all from me.

Gingerkittykat · 23/08/2019 02:11

Let her go but insist on a taxi to hotel.

My DD did a similar trip with her cousin at the same ago. I was worried they would mess up but were fine.

The girls have had the initiative to book everything for themselves. I'm assuming all three have smartphones so can easily google routes, public transport or call you if help needed.

You need to let them have some freedom sometimes, teenagers are far more capable than a lot of people think.

user1471439310 · 23/08/2019 02:13

I wouldn't, just because someone else was allowed to get married, have a child, or go to London at that age wouldn't faze me.

managedmis · 23/08/2019 02:42

What kind of hotel accepts kids under 18, as a group? Sounds odd

Alicewond · 23/08/2019 02:48

I would only allow her to go if she accepts the lift home personally. I’d rather her be annoyed and angry than deal with something worse happening.

SofiaAmes · 23/08/2019 02:48

It makes a difference what part of town they are in. Can you help them find an AirBnB that is closer to the gig? Ask to speak to the other parents. I have done this before when my dd proposed these kinds of things.