To refuse to let DD stay over?

[mavidmowie]

She has just turned 16, and the concert is in October. Her and 2 mates want to go to the concert in London and stay the night on their own. The plan is to travel down on the train (we live on Stoke on Trent so it's a good way away), go and see the concert, and then walk to a hotel then get the train back in the morning. They've already done the planning and have decided on a hotel (it's one that allows under 18s). Of course when she told me about it, it was a big no from me. The concert finishes at half 12 and the idea of 3 16 year olds from a small city trying to navigate London at night worries me sick. What if they can't find the hotel or it's a dive? What if they get harassed/followed/mugged etc?

She insists her friends parents don't have a problem with it which I somehow doubt, but I don't know the friends parents. The girls are nice enough and I have no doubt they'd all look after each other but they think they are invincible at that age. I have tried to compromise with DD and have said they can get the train down early in the morning together, spend the day in London and do some shopping etc, go to the concert and then I'll be there waiting for them when they get out of the concert and will drive them all back to Stoke. I thought it was perfectly reasonable (especially seeing as I'll be driving 3 hours there and back for them) but she scoffed at the idea and said I'm trying to baby her and that I should let her stay the night. AIBU?

I would stick to your compromise and fetch them, 16 isn't that old, it's an unfamiliar place, and it's not like you're half an hour away. It wouldn't matter to me that other people did it at 16 or let their kids do it. If you are concerned don't let them. I think there is a big difference between 16 and 18 which is when most young people tend to move out for the first time.

She's going to be really excited about having this grown up experience with her friends, which it sounds as though they've planned well. Tread carefully OP - if you block this / tag along she is likely to MASSIVELY resent you and wind up lying to you in future when she wants to do something she knows you'll disapprove of (I've been there). She has to fly the nest at some point. Tell her to get a cab and that you'll be phoning at 1AM (eg) to check she's OK, and that if she doesn't answer you will be straight in the car / phoning the other parents / the police. That should stick in her mind. (Oh and no harm with checking the other parents really do think it's alright...!)

You are being very unreasonable and overprotective. You're doing her more harm than good by doing this. How will she ever learn to be independent and stay safe if she's never given the chance? She's 16 years old, not 6! A lot of places in London will still be busy around midnight, especially near large concern venues right after a concert! Plus she can take a taxi or an uber to the hotel. How do you think 16 year olds who live in London survive? Do you think their parents just never let them out?! By behaving like this, you're showing her that you don't trust or respect her and in the future she won't be open and honest but will hide things from you.

It’s interesting how completely split these responses are.

I live in London and grew up here, honestly it’s fine here just need to be street smart

But that's exactly the point; they're not street smart. I live in London and feel I know my limits here, but if the situation were reversed and I was finding myself out and about in Stoke after midnight, I wouldn't have the first clue about what areas to avoid etc.
These are three 16 year old girls who have possibly never been to London before, and if they have it's been with parents to help them navigate public transport and where they were going. It's quite a different thing to find yourself alone, in the dark, in an area that may well be out of the centre, at time of night when the streets will be emptying and tubes and buses probably will be about to stop running.
We need more information about the location of the concert and of the proposed hotel (central / otherwise). If you could find them a Premier Inn within 5 or 10 minutes walk then perhaps I would consider it, but I think there is a LOT that could go wrong (and the last thing you want is to be receiving panicky phone calls at 1am when they can't find their way back and you're three hours away and there's nothing you can do about it!).
As other posters have said, I'm very surprised to hear of a concert venue that is open until 00.30. So it sounds more that they might be going to a small gig in a pub (thus less "safety in numbers" at the end of the event) - or lying to you about the purpose of the visit.
You also don't know the friends well - some friends of my DD's I trust entirely to be sensible, and others less so.
At age 16, I don't think you're being in any way unreasonable to say no. As others have suggested, the obvious compromise (if you can afford it) is for you to stay over too, but largely leave them to it and just be there to pick them up and get them back to the hotel safely.

Haven't rtft but couldnt you look on google maps to try and find a hotel close to the venue?

I'm also cringing at some of the responses here - offer to go with her and share an adjoining room? Ugh!!! What world are some of you living in?! At her age she can marry, drive, fight for her country, give birth and raise children!

My DD and her friend went to a concert at the O2 recently and stayed at an AirBnB a 5 minute walk away.
They were both 18 but we live in a tiny rural village and neither of them are streetwise or had done anything like this before. They were fine. Only you know how your 16 yr old will react if anything goes wrong.

At her age she can marry, drive, fight for her country, give birth and raise children!

Tbf dd can't drive a car yet, and I think marry/fight for country requires parental consent at 16, which op might not give! And even giving birth/raising children is only possible at 'just 16' if there's been unlawful sex.

However, as another pp has said it's interesting to see how polarised the views are.

I didn't know about Premier Inn accepting unaccompanied 16 yr olds - that is really useful to know!

Honestly I’d feel wary about walking 30 mins to a hotel at 1am in London now, and I’m 26 (and grew up just outside of London so did plenty of nights out there as a teen).

I think you need to tell them either you’ll pick them up or they need to book a taxi

I'd be more concerned that they're saying the concert finishes at 12.30 when everyone here who lives in London say places aren't allowed to host concerts that late, what are they actually planning on doing with that extra time?
Either way personally I'd say no

OP's offer is very generous but from the POV of a 16 year old, they'll just see it as a curtailing of the freedom they desperately want. That's why they're not snapping her hand off.

OP, can you insist they get an Uber from the concert and get your daughter to share her ride with you via her phone? That way you'll be able to see that they made it safely to the hotel.

I think the DD is already lying.

Concert that ends at 12:30? Highly, highly unlikely even if it’s in a pub. That would mean the gig would start at around 11:00 and given that the big venues all have curfews of 11:00 it’s not going to be the kind of gig where they have a support act and such. And even in a pub it’s unlikely they’d have a licence to play loud music until 12:30 at night.

And these friends of her’s, while I know that it’s not unusual to not know the parents at this age, it’s very convenient that she can report back that the other parents are in agreement and you have no way of confirming that that is the case.

At this stage you have no way of knowing that the friends are even going. They might just be acting as a cover for her to e.g. meet up with some bloke she’s met online - it happens far more regularly than we like to admit.

And where is the OP? I’m aware that people don’t need to update, but someone posts a post in the hours of darkness which is only their second post, asking for advice, and then questions are asked they don’t come back to give more info?

Couldn't she just get an uber back to the hotel?

OP what do you think happens in London after midnight?! It doesn't turn into zombie town. If you are worried get her a cab and book and warn the hotel in advance but she is 16 and not alone and has to learn how to navigate those situation. I am talking as a mother of an 8 year old living in London.

YABU. I was going away by myself at that age and it seems to be the same with most people I know now with similar age children. You could always google street view the walk with her if it makes you feel better though

Why dont you give her cash for a taxi, a 30 min walk will be a 5 - 10 min taxi ride

Tell her to call you when she comes out thr concert and again when they are at the hotel

She will be fine.

I live in London and have teenage daughters who regularly go out that night.

I don't lose sleep over them getting caught in a terrorist attack (that could happen anywhere) and I don't particularly worry about them getting stabbed or shot (as other posters have said, this is mostly gang crime - it would be pretty scary if you got caught up in something as a passerby, but is unlikely, in central London Zone 1 at least (am more worried about this when they meet friends at a McDonalds or cinema in rough areas outside the centre).

What does concern me when mine are out is:

A) the likelihood of being bothered / followed by men, some of which seem to have no boundaries about young girls

B) Mobile phones getting snatched out of hands (all the more likely when navigating round quiet streets at night - the screen glows and makes it very tempting target). I have personally witnessed this happen more than once and know several people who have had their phone stolen in this way

However my biggest concern in your case is that the girls aren't being straight with you about where they're going. No big venue would have a license this late, so if the times are correct, it suggests a smaller venue, possibly a club or a pub which could be anywhere. These don't sound like premises but it's even legal for a 16-year-old to be in. There's a big difference between a major venue with thousands in attendance, all leaving at the same time, and a small backstreet club in an outer borough. You know your daughter better than me, but is it possible that the whole thing is fabricated as a cover for doing something else? - meeting boys they've met online maybe?

I’m from London. Pick her up!

OP, I'm in London and about 30 minutes from the 02 Arena, I also drive. I would be happy to give the girls a lift if need be to the hotel if that's where the concert is? (Of course you can see my ID etc),

How does showing ID prove that your not a weirdo. Even weirdos have ID. As if anyone would agree to a random from the internet picking their teenager up? That's significantly more dangerous than them walking/ getting a taxi to a hotel.

Uber. Simple. There are 3 of them together so they can share the cost.

Honestly I think you’re being over protective. In 2 years time she could be off to uni, staying out far later than 12:30 and navigating her way back. As a parent it’s far better to work gradually towards that, giving increasing amounts of freedom and responsibility within safe parameters than wrapping them in cottonwood. They could even pre book a taxi so they wouldn’t need to wait a few minutes for an Uber. It really will be safe, and you’ll have no worries about them walking and getting lost (though even if they did walk, in a group of 3 I think they’d be ok.)

My parents were hugely over protective and I barely used public transport as a teenager because they’d insist on picking me up. In one way very kind of them, but then I left for uni at 18 being really quite unprepared. Other friends were used to booking the train, hopping on a bus or hailing a taxi. Suddenly I was 200 miles from home, able to go anywhere and come back whatever time i pleased - I managed, and learned pretty quickly but honestly it would have been so much better if my parents had encouraged me to learn these basic thing about while still within the safety of home

Such a divide in opinion here! Interesting.
Your offer to drive them home is very, very reasonable. Unless they have something up their sleeves which they’re keeping secret, they have no reason to turn down this offer!

I'm 24, I live in London and I BEG you don't let her do that walk! You're still her mum, she's a child, you can say no. She's very lucky to have a mum who would drive all that way to allow her to do something fun and be safe.

No no no, anything could happen at that time and you'll blame ur self if it did