To refuse to let DD stay over?

[mavidmowie]

She has just turned 16, and the concert is in October. Her and 2 mates want to go to the concert in London and stay the night on their own. The plan is to travel down on the train (we live on Stoke on Trent so it's a good way away), go and see the concert, and then walk to a hotel then get the train back in the morning. They've already done the planning and have decided on a hotel (it's one that allows under 18s). Of course when she told me about it, it was a big no from me. The concert finishes at half 12 and the idea of 3 16 year olds from a small city trying to navigate London at night worries me sick. What if they can't find the hotel or it's a dive? What if they get harassed/followed/mugged etc?

She insists her friends parents don't have a problem with it which I somehow doubt, but I don't know the friends parents. The girls are nice enough and I have no doubt they'd all look after each other but they think they are invincible at that age. I have tried to compromise with DD and have said they can get the train down early in the morning together, spend the day in London and do some shopping etc, go to the concert and then I'll be there waiting for them when they get out of the concert and will drive them all back to Stoke. I thought it was perfectly reasonable (especially seeing as I'll be driving 3 hours there and back for them) but she scoffed at the idea and said I'm trying to baby her and that I should let her stay the night. AIBU?

Taxi from gig to hotel. Easy.

I know it's scary but you need to let her grow up, in 2 years she could be left home, legally she can at 16, she can join the army, get married etc. Doesn't stop us worrying but they sound responsible and it's a good learning experience. London is no scarier at night than other cities, just bigger

Ps the smaller venues all tend to finish around 10.30, the o2 finishes at 11 as does Wembley - if it's Wembley there's a premier inn with free parking nearby you could all stay at, the rooms sleep 4

You need to stop wrapping her in cotton wool. She’s 16. No wonder this generation are snowflakes. They aren’t allowed to do anything.

@Teacher22 Really not sure it’s a class thing. My mother is as upper middle class as you like, and we were expected to be able to navigate ourselves round London from the age of about 12. And we lived in the country.

I think the only dodgy bit of the whole scenario is getting from the venue to the hotel. Sort a plan for that and it’ll be fine.

Are you sure the hotel really does allow unaccompanied under 18s? It's just that i've found that to be an issue in the past (not had huge experience though!).

It would help to know the venue as I don’t know anywhere in London that is licensed to host concerts until half 12.

I have 4 dds, live in London and none of them would walk for 30 minutes late at night and would get an Uber.

@UjustGotLittUp you mean well, but your offer seems inappropriate.

Are you sure the gig finishes at 12.30? I think someone’s probably misunderstood that.

I've always felt safe in central London, but Wembley is dodgy, and the hotel might be miles away. Getting from the O2 isn't too bad, but I still wouldn't be comfortable with it for a group of 16 year olds.

My 14 year old DD has been to concerts in London but always with at least one adult. This week she is away in another city with a drama group with older teenagers as one of the youngest there, and is allowed a lot of freedom to go out whilst there, albeit they always have to go round in small groups. I trust her to be sensible and I certainly don't know what she is doing every minute. She has been walking to school on her own from Y4 and is very mature, responsible and independent for her age, I let her do new things gradually, when I think it is appropriate, and she will certainly not grow up to be a "snowflake". Which is a shit term anyway, only used in seriousness by ignorant social inadequates.

At the same time I would no way let her go out in London and stay over with friends in two years' time. She is allowed out in London with friends in the daytime now, but going out there at night and staying over is a completely different kettle of fish, and we live 25 miles from London, not 150 miles away as the OP does. Stick to your guns, OP, and don't listen to people here whose only qualification to comment on the matter is that they were teenagers themselves once.

OP your suggestion is more than generous, stick to it and drive them back. Or else they don’t go.
There is absolutely no way I would allow what the girls are proposing (and my DD has been to London for parties and concerts since 14 but always coming back at night and always with a sizeable group of friends boys and girls).
Anything can happen on the way back to the hotel or at the hotel itself. At that hour of the night in most locations.
Have you spoken to the other parents, are they really as relaxed about it as you are led to believe?

YABU. 16 isn't a baby. I imagine she is more that capable of getting herself to a hotel. If they are staying in a particularly dodgy area then maybe give them money for a cab to the hotel?

No way, thats far too young. Going all the way to London on their own even seems a bit much to me, but staying over after a concert seems absurd. I know I am a bit on the "dramatic" side at the best of times but I truly think this is a bad idea. Your offer to pick them up seems fair and reasonable. Id also be looking into exactly what concert it is and doing your own digging into this so all seems as it should be. As others have said, 12:30 seems very late for it to finish.

Assuming they are sensible, I’d say yes. Make sure they check in to the hotel before the concert so there are no issues, and they know how to get there. Trying to find a taxi after a concert is dodgy, so I’d suggest they get the tube (which will be mobbed with other concert hosted, but not unsafe). Most important thing is that they stay together.

I can’t imagine they would get into any club at 16, as most will only accept a driving licence or passport.

"say it takes them 15 minutes to get out of the venue through the crowd"

If it's a big concert 45 minutes may be more realistic I think. Ii too am surprised by a 12.30 finish - have they got confused with 22.30?

Still, even if it's 22.30 they still probably won't be out of the venue until after 11 pm - as another pp has said parts of london are surprisingly unpeopled at night, and 30 minutes is a pretty long walk. As another pp has said, what happens if they lose each other, or even fall out with each other?

One other possibility - go and meet them at the end of the concert and stay in the hotel with them (I think another pp has suggested this, but it may have got lost!) I appreciate they won't want this!

so it will be 1:15 by the time they get in. That is honestly the dealbreaker for me.

Does she turn in to a pumpkin at midnight? It doesn’t seem late as a one-off.

They’d be fine. They’ve worked out a plan, make sure they have a plan B, but unless you’ve raised her to be useless, I can’t see a problem.

I really matters where the concert is.

Wembley - no way to a hotel a 30 minute walk away after midnight. Perfectly safe to get a tube or be in the big crowd but it’s not a great area otherwise.

O2 - also no way to a 30 minute walk. Same as for Wembley, fine to come out with everyone and get onward transport but there are some very dodgy parts a 30 minute walk away and it’s actually quite isolated away from O2.

But no bigger venue such as the above will be open until 12.30. So it must be a smaller club somewhere - and that could be anywhere.

You’re pretty safe as 3 girls together in central London - I can think of vast swathes that would be fine to walk through at 1a.m. But the hotel that allows under 16s (and is in their price range) bothers me, and there’s no reason they shouldn’t get a taxi (a licensed black cab preferably rather than an Uber).

London is really not much worse than anywhere else

It's really not! Around here they turn the bloody streetlights off at midnight. Makes it feel so fucking dangerous.

Wandering around in the busier parts of London at that time feels like the middle of the day. Many many lights, people and Ubers!! The underground runs at night too!(Not like here where last buses are at 9)

At 16 I have moved country and had my own home myself.

YABU

I meant to add - parts of London are also surprisingly badly lit - usually lighting is there, but not always very bright or well spaced!

If the concert does end at 12.30 not all the tubes may be running by the time they get out of the venue - you can check timetables on the tfl web site if this is an issue. There are night buses but not easy to navigate in the dark - I wouldn't have agreed to that for a 16 yr old at that time of night! - and of course they may not be going to the right place anyway.

No way. If this was in your home town and you were a phone call away should things go wrong then maybe. But not in a city she doesn't know. You have been more than generous offering to collect them. Or you could offer to stay in the hotel with them. As others have said......risks are them telling others they are alone, not knowing the way to the hotel, not having a support network in case of problems etc etc

no I wouldn't allow this until she was at least 17 and had a bit more experience. At that age she has probably had very little experience of being on her own and is perhaps just starting to go out in the evenings. I would think twice about wandering around London at 1am so the thought of three 16 year olds would be very worrying. There is also the issue of what else they might decide to do: meet someone at the concert and decide to go on to a club or party or stay over with some really nice guys they meet etc etc. It could be fine or it could be a bloody disaster. Stick to your guns. I wasn't trustworthy at 16 and I was a typical goody.

Are you sure the hotel really does allow unaccompanied under 18s?

OP said it did, why would she not be sure? It's in the first half of the post.

Never. Not at 16, not without a responsible adult, not trailing around London at that time of night! I know I sound stuffy but I moved to London when I was 17 (actually boarding with a family in Richmond with three other girls my age) and there's no way I would've been allowed to do such a thing and this was the 80s so somewhat safer.

Maybe you could book a hotel nearer the venue for all of you, wait for the girls in the hotel and then meet them outside the venue at a previously designated place? It sounds expensive and complicated but better that then worrying yourself ragged at home. And safer for the girls, obviously.

Fellow stoke here with teens.
Absolutely no way from me too.
My son went to a concert in Manchester and we fetched them after. I would do the same if it was London.
And no I'm not over protective. He's stopped away from home too in cities.
But let's look at it this way, would you be happy them walking the streets of Hanley at that time of night?
Maybe walking Hanley to stoke station is the equivalent to what they will be doing?
I certainly wouldn't.

Tell them to get a taxi back to the hotel and it's sorted. She doesn't want her Mum hanging around!