AIBU not to tell my son he was conceived using donor sperm

[user1488038434]

My son was conceived through IUI using my own eggs and donor sperm after my husband was diagnosed with azoospermia. He is now 3 years old. I don’t know anyone with children that are not genetically their own and we have been private about our treatment from the start (with only our parents aware). Does anyone have a similar situation and what did you do? My husband and I fell pregnant quickly and agreed to just focus on being new parents and defer the decision til later.. but I guess later is now here. AIBU to think this is something that just never needs to come up?

Difficult one. 30 years ago, I'd have agreed with you - but today ? all it needs is a DNA kit as a present and the cat is out of the bag

YABU. And there’s a significant chance he will find out.

What if, in the future, he signs up for 23 and me or one of the other DNA testing sites, and finds out that he has loads of half siblings and cousins he didn’t know about? He’s going to twig pretty quickly.

Children are resilient. They accept information easily. It would be far better for him to grow up with this as something that he’s always known, rather than it coming as a big shock in the future, at a time that you may not be able to control.

I personally think you should tell him at a slightly older age but not one that will make him resent you for not saying sooner (e.g. teenager). You'd be wondering if you should tell him about this forever, otherwise. Do you want to carry that?
I know a few people with children who are not biologically related to both parents. The children were told at a young age, but old enough that they could understand. They had questions but ultimately were not bothered in the long term.

I have no experience in this but would have thought being honest with him from a young age is the way forward. If he ends up with medical issues / looking very different to his father then you may have to talk to him later on down the line which as a teenager would be a really difficult conversation

I know a few people who have been adopted from birth and they knew from a young age, much easier to have dealt with

Tbh I would be honest . I think hiding this stuff comes round to bite you in the bum

My brother and his wife adopted their son when he was a baby. He grew up being told that he grew in a different mummy’s tummy, with more information being disclosed at age-appropriate times.

As a result, there never had to be a traumatic ‘big reveal’ moment.

I understand why you would feel this way, but personally, I think it's not the best course of action. Also, all the advice I've read on this subject recommends against it.

Why does it matter if he is conceived through donor sperm? It won't make him less loved; it won't mean he belongs less to your husband or that your husband is less his father. There is no way that that knowledge needs to negate or reduce the bond you have with him.

So why shouldn't he know?

The positive side of him knowing is that then, there are no surprises. If for some medical reason the fact comes up, it is simply a fact - not a surprise or a shock.

I would worry that if he finds out unexpectedly, he might feel betrayed or deceived.

My DD is conceived with donor sperm. We have no option except to be open (we're both women), but I have found that many people confide in us that their children were conceived via donor sperm or eggs. It's not that uncommon, but I think people often don't mention it spontaneously.

Personally, I'm quite interested in it all and am enjoying seeing shadows of someone I don't recognise in DD's face. I also slightly hope she feels able to make contact with him at 18, so we can say thank you.

DD's not biologically mine, but it couldn't matter less.

I think you have to tell him. Like PP's have said, in this day and age of DNA testing he absolutely will find out and won't trust you again if he finds out that way.

I would tell him. Not in a sit down for an important chat sort of way, but just when it naturally comes up.

For example my 6yo has very similar hair to me which we were recently talking about (started with him asking why we’re both blond but his brother and dad aren’t). I would probably use that to start the conversations of most people get their features half from their mum and half from their dad, but some people are adopted/conceived through donor/surrogacy etc and you’re one of them. Not a big deal, just factual in conversation. He’ll ask more if he wants to know

I think you absolutely should tell him (not necessarily aged 3)
I would feel really hurt if I wasn't made aware of this and these days people are way more in to these DNA sites etc... that I don't think it will be long before it becomes the norm to be checking!

Make it part of his story form as early as you can, there are books like This One to help.

These days he will almost certainly find out and then you end up with a big deal being made of things that don't need to be an issue.

Just work it into the conversation early, so he just grows up with it, knowing it’s no drama.
My daughter is IVF, and as soon as the “how do you get babies?” stuff came up, I added “and some people like daddy and me need a doctor to help”.

I appreciate that it’s much harder emotionally when it’s sperm donation, but I would say something like “babies are made from a bit of mummy and a bit of daddy, but sometimes that doesn’t work and we were lucky because the doctor was able to help us get the bit we were missing from a kind person who wanted us to be your parents”.
Obviously now mine is older, I don’t talk about “bits”!

Much easier if it’s just something he has always known.

I personally think a child has the right to know, but even if you don’t think that, the risk of finding out would be too high for me. Blood test, ancestry gift...

It 100% will come up sooner or later. A biology lesson about genes. A casual conversation about who looks like who. Hereditary health issues. Don't put yourself in a position where you have to choose between lying to him or coming clean in a sudden and unprepared way. He deserves the truth.

You wouldn't want him to find out later, as a teen or adult though.
Maybe it's best to be honest from the start, but focus on the medical intervention rather than the other person involved. As in "Usually X happens (however you want to explain it) but we couldn't make a baby, so the Dr helped to make you, and then put you in my tummy." And then answer whatever questions honestly.
You will have to repeat whatever you say several times through the years as kids do forget.

There have been threads very recently on here where people have discovered they aren't biologically related as a result of Family ancestry dna tests to do their family tree. The tests are only £80 now. Imagine how easy and cheap it will be by the time your ds is an adult.

Can you imagine the betrayal he will feel if he discovers as an adult that his dad isn't biologically related to him and you've lied all through his childhood?

So much better to tell him in an age appropriate way from now that you and daddy borrowed somebody else's 'seed' to put with your egg to help make him but that his real dad is your dh who loves him so much and is bringing him up etc

Didn't you have counselling about this before you conceived?

I thought the advice was to tell. As others have pointed out, it will come out.

You should tell him, and if you start to introduce it to him now , then it will become normal for him. The children I look after, were all conceived with egg donation. We casually told them form around this age, around 5 years old they would occasionally read a book or 2 about it sometimes. And now the older two, aged 10 and 11years, as they're learning about how babies made properly, its brought up.

You need to tell him asap.

In my experience (and this is my area) children who grow up with this knowledge as part of their story view it as no big deal.

Children who find out otherwise/later are often devastated by the deception.

It is important for his future medical care. Scientific studies have shown certain meds have different effects in different racial groups. There are also different risk profiles for diseases.

I would want to know if it were me. Though I don’t know what age - perhaps at the age where they ask how babies are made???

I would gradually introduce the idea with age appropriate stories about different types of conception, with a few to being fully aware around late teens.

One day his medical history may be relevant, either if your husband’s is relevant to know, or if something comes along. It could be minor, but it’s aware good to be aware and informed.

@eurochick, FWIW, we didn't have counselling before donor conception. Not everyone does.

OP, if you are looking for ways to talk about it but keep it casual, something a friend mentioned to us was that children often understand explanations to other adults, mentioned in passing, quite well. So if people said 'ooh, [child] is getting tall, do you think he's taking after you,' they'd say 'maybe, but it could also be the donor'. That way the concept of 'the donor' was out there without it seeming a revelation or a bother, long before their child understood what 'the donor' meant.

What @IAmNotAWitch said.

My friend had 2 DDs, one conceived using donor sperm and one adopted. I can remember them happily telling me that mummy and daddy had to get a seed from the doctor to make DD1 because daddy's didn't work properly, and that DD2 was adopted. Totally matter of fact. Not at all phased.

I would mention is very casually when he is about 7-8ish. At that age, he might just be able to grasp some of the concept. Professor astrocat does a pretty good scientific book on the human body that briefly covers reproduction (but not the actual act of sex). I would wait until he's older, read a scientific book about bodies and then mention it casually/explain it then. If he doesn't get the concept, wait another year or so. He absolutely has to know and has a right to know.

YABU. I don't have personal experience, but I really believe we all have a right to know where we come from. I know it must be hard, but in the long term I think your DS should know the truth. As other PP's have said, he prob needs to be a bit older, but not so old that it seems like a huge secret that's been kept from him. What is detailed on his birth certificate? Surely he will see that at some point. It just seems like a massive piece of information to not communicate. I would embrace the miracle of his conception. It could really impact your relationship if he's left to discover it when much older.