AIBU not to tell my son he was conceived using donor sperm

[user1488038434]

My son was conceived through IUI using my own eggs and donor sperm after my husband was diagnosed with azoospermia. He is now 3 years old. I don’t know anyone with children that are not genetically their own and we have been private about our treatment from the start (with only our parents aware). Does anyone have a similar situation and what did you do? My husband and I fell pregnant quickly and agreed to just focus on being new parents and defer the decision til later.. but I guess later is now here. AIBU to think this is something that just never needs to come up?

We have 2 donor iui conceived children. One is 2 and one is 13 weeks. Slightly different scenario on that we are a same sex couple. We had to have a counselling session before having iui the first time and were asked within that session how we would tell any children we conceived about they way they were conceived. We thought if we talked about it from as soon as they could have an understanding and were brought up knowing it, then it would just be the norm for them. I think it's like pp have said, that children more readily accept information than adults. If it something they grow up with a knowledge of, it will be their norm. Good luck x

It is a really bad idea to try to keep this secret. Here are my experiences for what they're worth:

My sister died at age 50 of a brain tumour. She had never felt loved by my parents and idolised my Dad to the extent that she even planned her funeral to please him. It didn't as he is ashamed of his heathen spawn.

Anyway 5 years after she died he revealed to the entire family that she wasnt his child, my mum had had an affair with his brother and he had also had an affair. They stayed together and had 4 more children.

No wonder she never felt loved. Now none of us feel that our childhoods were real. Mum died shortly after.

Also

My friend has 2 children with different fathers, the father of the youngest has always treated both as his own, even though they split up when the youngest was only 2.

She never told the eldest, which was silly because they are racially very different. The eldest worked it out when he was 11 and his brother was 8 and it devastated them both. The eldest is still reeling from it and considers his whole life to have been a lie. He has anger issues and is no longer in mainstream school.

You dont want to wait much longer. Children under 6 are very amenable to the truth, whatever that may be.

I have a son who is DC, and have always just casually talked about him having a donor. He still doesn't really have a full understanding of the concept, but he will eventually, and I never want it to be a big shock, just something that is always part of his story.

Perfect opportunity to talk about it now. No big issue, no big reveal, just ‘we are going to the doctor and they’re going to help us have a baby, just like they helped us to make you’ ‘they helped us find the seed to help you grow’. Totally matter of fact. I promise you it’s weird for you the first time you say it as it feels like a big deal, but at that age they couldn’t be less bothered about it and then it is just part of normal life. (Adoptive parent here)

Chickeneyhead your poor sister, that is heartbreakingly sad

@coldilox - not all fertility clinics make counselling mandatory in real terms, so be aware the OP may not have had it. In our case, we were told we should make an appointment, and we decided not to as we felt we'd already discussed and read up on the situation. We only found out later it is considered mandatory, and I know several other couples and single women for whom this was the case. We didn't deliberately skip this stage - we thought it was optional and so chose not to go.

Not telling him is a disaster in the making.
Most of my family have had an ancestry kit, it could show up all sorts.
Start very young talking about your dc's conception history, it will just become normal for them.
We haven't been in your situation but had ivf and have always been upfront about this, in child appropriate language.
It did mean that my dc were surprised that sex and babies were linked aged 8/9 as they assumed all stories were the same as theirs.
But like adoption knowledge is power and you want to be in control of a truthful narrative ASAP.

Thanks Oddboots I’ve just ordered the book

It's bizarre you made a decision to go with sperm donation without doing the most basic research. Even a perfunctory search would've quickly showed the advice is not to keep it secret.

@Twixes

Thank you, she deserved better, she deserved to know xxx

One of my DC is mildly hearing impaired. At the point of diagnosis I was surprised that they routinely asked for a blood test for genetic components and called DH and I in for tests (along with our other DC). Questions about family medical history crop up all the time nowadays, even for the commonest illnesses, and you really wouldn’t want to be having the donor conversation for the first time in a consultant’s office.

I'm glad you seem to be accepting that YWBU not to say anything. Children are taught about 'different families' from a very early age in school, so those would be a good conversation starter. The Big Book of Families discusses differences. It's only the same as a same sex couple having children, so loads of conversation opportunities. Loads of opportunity for discussing love and family and what that means. All the best OP.

@AnAC12UCOinanOCG, that's really unkind.

I don't find it at all surprising someone would choose sperm donation in the OP's situation. I think most doctors would suggest it. Often, counselling happens quite separately, and sometimes, it does not happen at all. You may think the OP should have researched on her own, but that is what she is trying to do now. You can't know you've missed out on something if you never knew it was a thing to learn about. But now, she is trying. So give her credit.

Honesty is the best policy. U have done nothing wrong and have nothing to hide from your ds. It's not a secret to be kept in the closet it the story of how he came to be. He know who his dad is and always will. Tell him young so he has always known. Dont chance him finding out and question or losing his trust in u. Once trust is gone is gone. More over he has a right to know. Can be a simple a kind man helped us have u cause we wanted u so much. Chat at 3. Its nothing bad that needs hidden.

You’re right Soontobe60 I did get pregnant! And even more inappropriate given I’m talking about donor sperm! It’s just that the strain of fertility treatments unites couples in very unique way that forces you into a strange ‘we’ habit. The years the tears the costs. I feel so silly thinking that my husband has been through all of this with me. Thanks for correcting me :)

You need to make it a matter of fact part of the narrative of his life. I am adopted (in the 1960s) and can't remember a time I didn't know so it was easy to assimilate it into my view of life. I don't think I'd have done so well if I had a big reveal at 7 or whatever.

Secrets are never good and now with dna and so much medical stuff hinging on blood types etc it is futile as well as ill advised. Telling the truth - in a way a 4 year old understands and then giving more detail as they get older - is the best way. best of luck OP.

And OP neither my mum nor dad were actually related to me but they were utterly my parents until the day they died and anyone telling me my lovely dad wasn't my father - I'd just laugh.

I have a donor conceived child (have changed name).

We are in Australia where the laws are different and you are STRONGLY encouraged to tell your child.
My husband has azoospermia (Kleinfelter- which was a huge shock). We ordered a book from Donor Network UK (called My Story- there are several versions) and I changed it a bit for our child. with tippex and a marker pen!
Since before DC could talk we read the story and it was lovely as DC liked hearing about how they came about.
Child is now 10 and I have said it is their news to share- if they want to. (Also explained some people are judgmental). Kids are very accepting. Weirdly child still has some traits which are like my DH- and we all laugh about that.

Research shows that kids who find out as teens are more strongly affected than if they have always known.
Watch SBS documentary called Insight 'Donor conception' for some background.
We were told using the words 'donor' etc before they understand helps you to be more comfortable talking to them.

Recently DC said they liked that they were donor conceived as it mean we had not had sex- face fell when DC realised that was how we found out we could not have kids!!!!

PM me if you want- we are a small but growing group!

OP this may have been mentioned already but the Donor Conception Network is a fantastic resource for advice and information about this. They encourage telling early (I think before age 5), but run 'telling and talking' workshops for each age group and situation (e.g. heterosexual couples, female same sex couples, solo mums...). They also sell resources including storybooks tailored to each situation.

My 17 month old is donor conceived and i already talk to him about it, like others have mentioned the research suggests that being open about it from the start leads to the best outcomes for the child, as it's the feeling of being lied to that can cause the most damage. I'm planning to get a storybook soon to rotate as one of his usual bedtime stories, i want it never to come as a surprise to him and for it always to be part of his story. This is for his psychological wellbeing but also so he is aware of his choices with regard to contacting the donor/donor siblings when he is older, and also for medical reasons etc.

I'm also making an effort to be in touch with other parents of donor conceived children so that he will have a peer group for support if he wants, and to have books/talk about lots of different types of families so he knows they come in all shapes shd sizes and all are equally valid.

Slightly different in our case as I'm a solo mum by choice so it was always going to be obvious he doesn't have a dad, but I also put a lot of thought into how he might me affected and wanting to do right by him.

Just to add that DCN also have info/workshops about talking to other people (other family members etc) as well as the child themselves. Good luck with whatever you decide!

BTw child has a fab bond with both me and DH- the issue only comes up occasionally, such as when school asks for examples of interesting family blends.

Have a look at www.dcnetwork.org/telling-your-child

Just adding to the general consensus here OP. I definitely think your DC should know and you will probably be surprised by how well your DC can absorb and understand it all.

I'd say from 3 when they started at nursery school, my DC were asking questions about why some other families were different to ours, why some kids didn't have mums or dads etc. They were able to understand and recognise the dynamics. They have also asked about having babies, how they're made etc. As long as it's explained in an age appropriate way, without emotional weight, I think your DC is more than capable of knowing and understanding.

This is only an issue if it is a secret. Introduce the concept sooner than later and just be very matter of fact about the idea that there are lots of ways to make a baby and become a family.

Not quite the same circumstances but I have two daughters, two different fathers. My eldest daughter is aware I was married to her dad and is aware who her father is (although doesn't see him). However I had a very brief relationship with my other daughters father and he too doesn't see his child. During my pregnancy I met and fell in love with a wonderful man. He was at the birth of my second daughter.

Through her early years, she referred to him by his name. Never called him dad, I presumed this was because her sister called him by his name too. And this worked for us, we never wanted to mislead her. But now she is 7 she calls him daddy, introduces him to people as her dad etc. It really has come out of the blue. So I'm in the same situation slightly. My eldest has no idea either, and I think she would be devastated by the idea of "half" sisters.

Together we decided to tell them both when they're both old enough to understand. I absolutely acknowledge that they won't take it well, but I can only hope that they understand that a man has been in their lives for 7 years and has done the best he can. If my youngest chooses to peruse her natural father, we will support her with this. So I really am watching you're thread for some answers for myself too!

OP I am in the same situation as you although my 18 month old was donor egg. We haven't told anyone however we will tell 18 mo soon, casually as others have said.
We didn’t tell anyone else because I feel it's for her to know and share with who she wants and I didn't want people knowing something about her that she didn't know.
It's hard isn't it?