AIBU not to tell my son he was conceived using donor sperm

[user1488038434]

My son was conceived through IUI using my own eggs and donor sperm after my husband was diagnosed with azoospermia. He is now 3 years old. I don’t know anyone with children that are not genetically their own and we have been private about our treatment from the start (with only our parents aware). Does anyone have a similar situation and what did you do? My husband and I fell pregnant quickly and agreed to just focus on being new parents and defer the decision til later.. but I guess later is now here. AIBU to think this is something that just never needs to come up?

My friend told her DD when she was 18. She was perfectly fine about it. She said to them - you always told me I was special and now I know why.

I have a family member who has DS biologically hers and DD egg donor. She doesn’t want to tell DD yet because she doesn’t want her to think that she might somehow love DS more. She plans to also tell her when she’s 18.

I think it’s different from adoption because it’s more difficult to explain. YANBU.

YANBU at this moment in time. He's 3 years old and too young to learn about sex and reproduction. Maybe wait until he's around 9 years old so he will understand things a bit better.

Do not wait until he's at secondary school. He might resent you for deceiving him and he'll be less accepting. Older primary school age is best.

I wouldn’t worry at age 3, but I think he has the absolute right to know where he comes from

My DCs are from donor eggs and we were always advised from the start to make them aware of that as soon as possible - even before they're old enough to understand what it means, so it would never be a shock. They are pre-teens now and it's never been an issue for them or us. Funnily enough - a Mum just down the road from us did exactly the same, and she also told her DS very early. She had a book which you can buy which explains things apparently.

I know there could be issues when they get older and have questions - we did it outside the UK so mine won't even be able to trace their donors - but I really think it's essential that you are honest - it can never stay a secret! Three is a good age to start dropping comments that he may not understand, but will give you a grounding for later chats. Good luck!

Don't leave it until he's older. Tell him in an age appropriate way now and then it will be something he's always known.

He has the right to know his genetic origins

I don't think I'd tell him until he is old enough to understand what this all means. Without some basic understanding of reproduction, what's he to take away from the whole thing apart from "my dad is not really my dad", which isn't really true anyway? When it does come up, I would make it casual and clear that his dad is his dad but that they have different genes. I'm not sure it has to be a big deal at all if done carefully and at the right time.

I think you have both had it right up until now and should just focus on being parents.

Yes I would tell him, aside from the DNA testing he’s surely going to wonder why he doesn’t look like his dad?

Donorparent hahahahaha
I am well aware of the advice but it doesn’t make it a no brainier. I guess those of you who consider that I’m ridiculous to think otherwise don’t keep any secrets from your children? Or your partners? Or is genetic origin considered the most important truth of all?

I'm a sperm donor kid from a similar situation and my parents didn't tell me until my 30s when I'd had my own kids and they felt bad when I talked about resemblances. It really wasn't a big deal and I didn't feel like they'd lied to me all my life etc as they've been great parents. If anything I felt very protective of my dad and kind of in awe of his love for me without the biology. Honestly I'm glad they waited till I was grown up as I think in the maelstrom of adolescence I'd have had an identity crisis and possible used it against them in rows, whereas this way I was fully formed as it were and it was just an interesting adjunct. So that's one perspective, but I know the general rule now is to tell kids from early on and I assume there's research justifying that. Just saying it was different in my case and worked out fine. I wouldn't have liked to have never been told though, and found out after their deaths for instance. Best to treat it like it's not a big deal whatever the age. You're the parents. That's what matters.

My initial reservations stem from a friend of mine at school who had always known she was adopted herself but her friends became aware at 16. Lovely girl with lovely parents. She suddenly seemed quite lost and ‘went off the rails’ and described feeling quite distant from her parents.
I get that this is easily just a teenager with normal teenage issues. But I just wondered whether I would be creating a complication by telling this origin story rather than preventing one. I also discovered after being an only child for 30 years that my cousin is infact my half sister (my father donating sperm to his brother and SIL) It was dramatically revealed in the middle of her parent’s divorce. My cousin and I both concluded this info added no value and it would have better not to have known at all.

But ... I’m reassured now that it really doesn’t have to be a big deal if introduced early and my situation probably isn’t as uncommon as I thought in heterosexual couples. Not to mention the countless other shapes that families come in anyway

My DC are iui doner conceived from being little I have drip fed them - I never wanted them to resent me if they found out (it only takes one person making a coment) or if they met a partner who was also doner conceived they'd need to check they weren't from the same doner, or use an online DNA test. The DC are aware and at times have asked questions - especially after sex education lessons at school! The doner is known as 'random dad' their affectionate nick name for him. If you ask the DC now they'd say they're glad they always knew and there was never a big announcement. I started off by reading a few simple stories written for doner conceived children (swapped the names for theirs) - I googled the stories.
I think for us it was the right decision but ultimately every families story is unique and circumstances different and therefore each family needs to make the decision that's right for them.

Friends were on your situation OP. Their clinic put them onto a day-long course for parents in that situation on when and how to tell their kids and how to handle it as their kids grow up, which they found really helpful.

One of my DC has a genetic condition (resulting from the need to have a faulty gene from both patients) unfortunately because it was rare it wasn't one that had been screened for. When DC was diagnosed I had to report this to the fertility clinic - doner was then informed and not allowed to donate again, it also meant if there was already any DC conceived by others they could be genetically tested.

I think you should tell him when he’s old enough to understand. My friend found out she was adopted when she sent out for her full birth certificate to get a passport the woman that she called mum was actually her Aunty and her real mum had died in a house fire when she was 15 it completely messed her up finding out like that.

Just to add I know a few dc who either have donated eggs or sperm.
I have seen comments talking about how alike they look to the non biological parent and have said this myself more than once. Family likeness really is more than basic genetics.

You either subscribe to the notion that biology/genetics is airy fairy nonsense that you don't acknowledge & everyone genetically connected to you has to say the same or you'll be pissed off at them.
"Let's pretend" seems to be the favourite game you all play. These games are for your benefit, not your child's. Only you benefit from your DC not knowing who their actual parents are.

If you think your DFriend took it hard when her friends found out she was adopted, imagine the fall out if she herself had also been coping with just finding out that information at the same time. These things rarely get easier with age- nothing magical happens at 18 that makes it easier for you to deal with learning something like that out of the blue, and maybe feeling like it's been hidden from you for your entire childhood by your immediate family.

I would agree that the only people that benefit from not telling him are you and your DH. Making it a non-event, and being open and honest with him now means there's no "big reveal" and makes the conversations down the road easier- especially when there are now so many resources available to help explain the concept to even small children.

You need to tell him. If you both die before he knows he will imagine all sorts of reasons why dad wasn’t his biological father. Grief is hard enough to deal with without compounding it.

Surprisingly young children are surprisingly good at absorbing and processing age appropriate information, before they’re confused by baggage.

Dad will be the man who brings him up and loves him. Knowledge of Father is important for other reasons (medical etc).

I'm gob smacked yabu isn't 100% . Your son has the right to know end of!

I think he will need to know when he comes to having his own children so he can have an accurate medical history. I think you should tell him when he's old enough to understand and just emphasise that it was done because you wanted a child so much.

Yes when he is old enough to understand and not get upset. Which is hard to know when. You will know when the time comes. But not at 3 he won't have a clue what you are going on about and confuse the poor kid. I wouldn't do it aged 8 as pp suggested. He's bound to tell a friend it will get round and they will fill his head with ideas. Best to wait until secondary school age I think because your child might not take it so easy or they might just shrug it off. You will just have to wait and see

My initial reservations stem from a friend of mine at school who had always known she was adopted herself but her friends became aware at 16. Lovely girl with lovely parents. She suddenly seemed quite lost and ‘went off the rails’ and described feeling quite distant from her parents.

This seems a danger of secret story more than a reason to hide things.

In my husbands family there was a cousin who didn't know she was adopted, until she was at Guide Camp - as other people in her small town knew she was adopted.

Never mind your DS working out there is something "wrong" at quite a young age because: of the way his ears join his head, his cleft chin or another subtle but obvious sign that you are not genetically related. He could worry about an affair or whatever...
Then there is genetic testing. And added to that if he ever needs to know his genetic history; or one his father (your husband) has a genetic condition.

I would make it part of his story from a young age. I actually think my children at certain ages (probably 7-11) would have been more comfortable knowing a test tube had been involved than having to acknowledge that their parents had ever had sex.

So I was told this news as a teenager, and it made me feel my while life had been a lie.

I did have a bit more of a complex set of family circumstances (mum had left the family home, step mum I didn't really get on with, had recently moved house miles away from where we grew up etc). So this probably contributed. It's worth saying I didn't feel any different towards my dad, he always was and always will be my dad, but more the fact they didn't tell me the truth from the start.

@EileenAlanna, it's more complicated than that. Have you heard of epigenetics?

It's really fascinating.